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Originally Posted by Shirley Bismillah al Rahmaan al Raheem
With the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful
All praises are due to God, alone with no partners, and may the peace and blessings of Almighty God be upon His final Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), his family and all his companions.
For as long as I can remember, I have believed in one God, and my relationship with God developed from wonder at and gratitude for everything around me that He had created.
I grew up in the seventies and eighties in rural Ireland. My family is Catholic and in my childhood the only religion I was exposed to was Catholicism. Despite this, there were things I was being taught which offended my instinctive sense of the oneness of God. For example, one night my Grandmother, after saying her prayers, took a plastic crucifix over to my bed and asked me to "kiss God". I was just a little kid, and didn't like to disobey by Grandmother, but I just couldn't do it, saying "it's just plastic. That's not God". Needless to say, my Grandmother was shocked and I was upset too to hurt her feelings, but I could not betray what I knew in my heart to be true.
In school, the religion lessons taught in the early years were things I could relate to; looking at what God had created, and hearing stories from the life of Jesus (peace be upon him). I found everything to do with religion enthralling, and especially loved to learn about angels. However, this changed when the time came for the class to prepare for Confirmation. This was the first time I became conscious of the concept of Trinity. Suddenly, the teacher was saying "Jesus is God". I was stunned, could not believe my ears! I looked at the girl sitting next to me to see how she was reacting, but she did not appear to find anything wrong! Then, I became frightened, and decided not to speak about my feelings on the matter. At that vulnerable age, I could not face the conflict between what people in authority were telling me and what my heart was telling me.
I was very successful at subduing my doubts about Catholicism, to the point that, as a teenager, I was able to overlook the contradictions which were so obvious to me as a child. All through my teens and early twenties, I was a regular Mass-goer, and found solace in the readings from the Gospel and the Old Testament. The Church was a source of peace and comfort. I liked to read about religion, and wanted to learn more about other religions, not because I felt dissatisified at that time with Catholicism, but wanted to see what truth there might be beyond it, the common truth shared by different faiths.
This was before the internet became widespread, and information was difficult to come by. The only books I could find that mentioned Islam, seemed to paint a picture of a terrifying fanatical people who inexplicably attached themselves to a man (Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him) about whom I could find no-one to say a good word. However, this only made me more curious. Why did people choose to be Muslim? There had to be more to this religion than what I had so far seen. I got a chance to learn more when I went to work in London after finishing college.
Walking home from work one day, I noticed the local library was having a sale of some old books. I had a browse, and found one booklet called 'The Revelation'. In it were some verses of the Qur'an, and the story of how Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) went to the cave at Hira and received revelations from the angel Jibreel. It was a delightful surprise to me that the angel Gabriel who had visited Mary was also known in Islam. Now Islam became less alien-seeming and more accessible, but at that time, that was as far as I was ready to go in studying it.
I returned to Ireland a few months later, and spent the next few years concentrating on getting a career going. And it was at work that I met the man who was destined to become my husband. As we got to know each other, we soon realised we wanted to spend our lives together. I set myself the task of learning as much as I could about my husband's native country, Pakistan, and his language, culture and beliefs. When he spoke about Islam, his face would light up with love and reverence, which opened my heart to wanting to learn more about it.
He offered a Qur'an for me to read, but I was actually frightened to read it at first, because I thought 'what if I read something in here that I have to believe - I might have to change my whole life!' I was frightened of the truth, and what it would mean for my comfortable, complacent life. But soon, I realised it was foolish to be afraid of the truth, and when I did read the Qur'an, it was like coming home! I describe it as like hearing again a long lost and most beloved voice; it was a sense of recognition deep within, that this is from God.
I also read about Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), his character, how he prayed, what he endured for the sake of Islam, and found a man of incomparable God-consciousness. The graciousness with which he prayed was so striking - I asked myself if his were the words of a false prophet. I could not believe that. And if he was truly a Prophet of God, then it was incumbent upon me to listen to him. He called to absolute purity of worship, with the message that your God is one God, therefore worship Him alone. Was this not the same message of Jesus and all the Prophets (peace be upon them)?
Among the Muslims I met during this time, some were more devout than others, but it was the women for whom Islam was the centre of their lives who showed me that 'the straight path' of Islam is the path of a true human being. It seemed to me their faces glowed with strength and peace, and I wanted some of that for myself! A good example of this is my mother-in-law. I spent quite a lot of time with her before and after I reverted, and she continues to provide me with a standard to live up to of generosity, kindness and devotion to prayer.
Although there were good people to support me, coming to the decision to revert to Islam was something I had to do alone, because I had to reach a point of certainty in my own heart. Turning back from the path I had been on, to walk the path of Islam, was a movement of my heart towards God. No-one else could do it for me. I reached the point where my mind was full of questions, and all the time my heart was yearning for the truth, praying, begging God for guidance and light.
If it was possible to be Christian and Muslim at the same time, I would probably have tried to do that! There were positive elements apparent in both, and I could see similarities between the two; both believing in one God, in the virgin birth of Jesus (peace be upon him), in the resurrection, judgement and heaven and hell. However, the differences between them were irreconcilable, and there were for me three issues in particular about which I had to choose either the Islamic or the Christian view, as I could not believe both. These were the questions of original sin, trinity, and the crucifixion of Jesus (peace be upon him).
I asked myself - is it justice that a newborn baby carries on her soul the sin of her earliest ancestor, Adam (peace be upon him)? Is it justice that we should be held to account for a sin we did not commit? Is it justice to send an innocent man to be tortured to death for the sake of the guilty? Why would God require a human sacrifice in order to be appeased? Is God a bloodthirsty tyrant that he will not forgive unless innocent blood is spilled? And if Jesus (peace be upon him) is God (aoudhubillah), does that mean that God sent Himself to be sacrificed to Himself as a ransom to... Himself? And when Jesus (peace be upon him) prayed, was he praying to himself? Again, if Jesus (peace be upon him) was perfect, then surely he lived the most commendable life possible, so why then do his followers neglect to follow his example i.e. he was circumcised, never ate pork, performed ablutions, adhered to the law of Moses (peace be upon him), but what Christians do any of this today?
On the other hand, there was the guilt factor. Wouldn't embracing Islam be a betrayal of Jesus (peace be upon him)? And of my dear family who sincerely love their religion? And my ancestors who suffered persecution because of their Catholic religion, and yet did not abandon it?
And one day, I was no longer left with unanswered questions. On that day, serenity covered my heart, and at last it arrived at a peaceful rest, believing that each soul is born in perfect purity; that no bearer of burdens shall bear the burden of another; and it is not justice that a Messenger of God, one of the best of all human beings, should be executed as a criminal; God is perfect, and God's mercy and justice is perfect; God can forgive whatever sin He wishes; God does not want blood, it is not blood that reaches God. When God wills to create, He has only to say to a thing 'Be', and it is! Exalted in the highest Glory is God from what is ascribed to Him of having a son! Jesus (peace be upon him) was a messenger of God, calling his people back to the right path, one in a long line of messengers, performing miracles by God's permission. And the people of old, who were completely ignorant of Islam, who is to say they might not have become the most devout Muslims if they had the opportunity to know about Islam?
None has the right to be worshiped but God alone, and all power and all praise belong to Him, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds, the sole Source of Guidance. |