Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharif  Of course, I meant to do it with tact. Creating any kind of split would be absolutely a bad bad idea.
What usually happens is: there is an "official" talk amongst family member where no one wants to lose and it turns ugly sometimes. OR
they never talk about it and either side has no clue about what the other side really wants.
With all due respect to her parents and with good mood and timing, she can tell her parents kindly about the kind of suitor she is looking for and when she wants to get married.
Imagine yourself as a parent. You're sitting on a chair. Your 20 year old comes behind and puts her arm around your neck. You giggle and ask her what's up. She says: "OK. what if you get me someone who'll let me let continue my education for another year after marriage? Please!"
If you had an excellent rapport and connection with your daughter, as a father, what would you say then?
I know I'm making it very simple when most homes and most families are not that simple. But it's never too late to do that. It all depends on how their communication is between the family members. You can't just be silent about this for 20 years and then expect them to listen to away one day.
Khayr. Du'aa' would be a very powerful weapon for the believers at some of these crucial points. Along with du'aa', unwavering faith and tawakkul, if one can face the brutal facts of reality and tactfully do her best, insha'Allah, Allah, will open doors for her which she never knew existed. |
I totally agree with you that this type of family is ideal, my own is like that. The first time an offer came for my hand, I told my parents that I considered myself too young to get married, and they should reject all offers until I am at least 24. They agreed with me but added that we should still keep options open in case I get an exceptional offer. I agreed and that was that.
But not all families are like that, so frank and respectful of each other's opinions. Some people are more formal than others, they never or only rarely, touch and hug, and there are some subjects which are considered unacceptable for discussion between parents and children. The parents are so convinced that they have the right, and the ability to make the correct decisions for their children's future that they cannot consider any alternative to that situation. This does not mean that they love their children any less.
My family has a history of being liberal about such matters. The ladies of the family from at least as far back as my grandparents have traditionally been extremely picky about marriages. And women rule in this family, what they say goes. But in her family, I don't believe they have a single lady who refused a marriage without her parents support. And all of them have good marriages. Her parents cannot conceive of the notion that they should not order their daughter's marriage, or that she would even dream of refusing an offer they found acceptable. Thus subtle means must be employed, like casually mentioning her love of the Madrassa in front of sympathetic grandparents who wield a lot of might in the family, engineering conversations in front of family members in which she expresses her views about Student X at the Madrassa, who had to leave Madrassa when she got married because her husband wanted her to stay at home, and so on.
We are excellent plotters.
And Allah is much much better than us. Insha Allah, things will resolve themselves, but no scheme can succeed without Allah's help, hence the Duas.