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Thread: Should I intervene?

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    Default Should I intervene?


    Salam

    Writing to gain some advice InsyaAllah. It's about our cousin, her parents have been very strict with her, they practically ignore her desires and wants, which are halal. They do give her other options but those are not the ones she wants example they prefer her to study Information technology degree when she wants to study Child Psychology, we know she is very frustrated in her life with these limitations, the worst for her is that they want her marrying guys who come well qualified backgrounds and have an excellent job position, the only problem is that these guys are not very religious and the type of person she want is a religious person. She talks to us about her problems and practically "breaks down" when she is being forced to marry any one the guys she does not. We have always encouraged her to be patient and pray, even try to think about marrying one of these persons because no one is perfect. She insists she rather not.



    Then gradually, after a while she stopped complaining and whenever we ask her how things are at home, she says happily they are fine that she's not angry or upset with her parents anymore. Then she changes the topic and talks about her career, something about current affairs or a youth event etc...and it happens that every time we bring up the topic of marriage, she would do this. So, we started speaking to her parents, hinting at aunty and uncle that maybe it's time for grandchildren but her parents would inform us it's up to their daughter, if she does not want to be married, they can't do anything about it.

    One day, I got annoyed and told her it's sunnah to be married and she looked shocked and broke down crying. After that I backed off and apologized realizing what I had done.
    I didn't bring up the topic again, I felt it was too complicated a situation and was wearing me down.

    Then life carried on as usual, a year down the road and I meet my cousin and her family, once more. My youngest daughter was with me, a couple of months old. My cousin did the strangest thing, during our conversation, she held my daughter in her arms, cuddled her and then looked to the left of her shoulder as in communication with someone, (there was no one there, her parents stood to the right of her) and she said, "darling, do you want to hold her"?

    Well, you could imagine how confused I was then and looked to her parents but they only remained silent and a bit embarrassed. So I asked my cousin, who are you talking to you and she responded her husband, named Amaar. I told her, that I don't see anyone there and laughed, expecting her to maybe laugh also but after she kept insisting and I got a bit scared and took hold of my daughter and briefly announced that I was late for being somewhere. After, walking away, I thought what was going on, was Amaar a Jinn? Had my cousin gone looney?

    Almost, immediately after ensuring that I was in safe distance from the family I dialled my grandmother's phone number. My grandmother stayed in an apartment closed to my cousin's. My grandmother informed me that, during the time I had left, (my husband and our children had travelled overseas for his work purposes) my cousin had begun acting strangely. She would introduce "her invisible husband, Amaar" to everyone. Initially, her parents and everyone else laughed it off as a joke, a sort of amusement, until my cousin began getting more detailed and personal with the invisible Amaar. When they were having a meal, she would keep the seat vacant for "her husband" and ensure that a plate was given, (he is a vegetarian, so no meat would be in the plate) when shopping with her mother, she would purchase things for him or refuse to go out with the family, stating that her husband wanted some time alone. At first they humoured her but when she began introducing the invisible Amaar to everyone they met, the entire family began to feel more and more humiliated. They argued with her and tried to encourage her to marry someone real but again she refused stating that Amaar has all the qualities that she ever wanted in a husband and they both have been given permission and the marriage was valid. Permission by whom? Permission by themselves and under a law of being oppressed of her rights and dismissing her parents as her guardian in her affairs. No one knows where she got this law from.

    I can tell you there and then that her parents have scolded her for behaving ridiculously, one day her father even told her, that maybe Amaar should purchase a house for her to live in. It was when she persisted and tried leaving home, according to my grandmother, even her mother was in tears and admitted they made mistakes, but still my cousin is sticking to this invisible Amaar. Now, there is so much confusion in the home and this has been going on for about two months and a week now and my other cousins say they did not know because they have all been either busy with studies or work and they did keep in contact through phone calls but nothing appeared out of the ordinary in her speech it was always kept casual and they all lived in another city. So, now I am very alarmed, thinking maybe she has really lost it. But I wouldn't know because since I have left, my extended family and I, have not been as close before, maybe it's my fault as I did abandon her for a while (during that year overseas). I can't help but feel so guilty now and not sure what I should do. Should, I take her seriously and try to find help for her or should I consider the matter between parents and daughter and not intervene?


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    Default Re: Should I intervene?




    It might be that she's pretending to behave this way to peeve of her parents? It might have started off small and spiralled into something she didn't want to stop because this kind of behaviour gives her a feeling of authority over her parents?

    I think you should have a proper chat with her first (alone) and ask her flat out what all this is about and whether she is pretending to get back at her parents.

    If you find she is serious then she may need help but I think it's best you talked to her properly first.

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    Default Re: Should I intervene?



    it could be a serious problem (a mental disorder)

    it could be that she is under so much stress that she is seeking a better life with this non-existent person-just her own personal way of coping. are her family into forced marriages? perhaps someone proposed to her/she met someone that she really liked but her parents disagreed? perhaps her family are forcing her to marry someone she doesn't like and therefore is making up this imaginary man as a means of coping. it might explain "has all the qualities that she ever wanted in a husband" ask her where the name "amaar" came from. perhaps ask her parents subtly if they have a clue why she calls her non-existent husband that? they might have some idea.

    and this aswell.
    "[...]and they both have been given permission and the marriage was valid"

    i dont think you can come up with a story like that unless you have either experienced it first hand or seen someone else.


    it would be very interesting to actually talk to the people that live with her to see what she is like in their presence (you can usually tell someones personality only by living with them)...


    its quite difficult to give advise tbh you see what is best for her and take it from there. have a good genuine talk with her and try be sincere in your advise with her that way inshallah she may open up to you and can figure out the real problem.

    if you have a talk with her, dont be direct and upfront. be subtle about it and speak to her in a way where she feels compelled (but in a good way) to open up to you. approach her as a sincere friend. but i must warn you people who feel that others are trying to get information out of them (even if they are sincere in helping them) may get on the defensive and so your efforts will be fruitless (inshallah they wont, but just a warning).


    ...desperate for husnul-khitaam...


    please make dua that Allah grants me a good end (to my life). please make dua that Allah guides me.


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    Default Re: Should I intervene?





    Maybe you can take her to a sister who is a Psychiatrist? But that sister who is the psychiatrist is in a non formal setting. You can tell the girl whose 'married' that this woman is your friend, and that she should introduce her 'husband' to the psychiatrist. And you can get feedback this way to see whats really going on and what to do about it.

    see;
    http://www.sakinah.org.uk/




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    Default Re: Should I intervene?


    Thank you for the replies.



    As for speaking to my cousin, it has been over three years now - both before I went overseas and after that since she has been acting and speaking to me very formally. We are not close as we used to, (from the point when she was confiding with me) I think she blames me and the truth is I got tired of trying to help, tired of listening to her say the same thing over and over again and when I did tell her to risk it once, even if a divorce does occur at least a chance would stand that maybe someone better would come along and it would please her parents also. She did not want that option. So, I left the matter there but my heart is with her, we are cousins and I do want to see her happy.

    Speaking to my cousin at the moment is like talking to a stranger. I tried to win her friendship and trust back…yes, trust because I did mention a few things to my aunty and uncle that she told in confidence to verify the truth and she has been distant with me and the others eversince. : (

    According to my grandmother, she is either in very happy or sad mood most of the times, very respectful but very reserved. No one knows who Amaar is either but according to my grandmother her granddaughter needs some disciplining and I should try to talk to her out of this.

    And yes, her family tried to coerce her into marriage several times before and each time I think it took a toll upon her, mental and emotional state.... Yet, exclude fake marriage and a husband and my cousin has a normal life, interests and job. “Normal” for those who don’t know better but I am fearful for her as word gets around what people might start believing.


    Thanks for the link I do know a sister who is a psychiatrist actually the only issue is how to get her speaking to this person.


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    Default Re: Should I intervene?





    Then your mission now is to get closer to this girl, become friends with her. Hang out with her. And gradually 'introduce' her to your psychiatrist friend. She might discuss Ammar with her, and then you can privately get feedback and what you should do.




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    Default Re: Should I intervene?


    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    Thank you for the replies.



    As for speaking to my cousin, it has been over three years now - both before I went overseas and after that since she has been acting and speaking to me very formally. We are not close as we used to, (from the point when she was confiding with me) I think she blames me and the truth is I got tired of trying to help, tired of listening to her say the same thing over and over again and when I did tell her to risk it once, even if a divorce does occur at least a chance would stand that maybe someone better would come along and it would please her parents also. She did not want that option. So, I left the matter there but my heart is with her, we are cousins and I do want to see her happy.

    Speaking to my cousin at the moment is like talking to a stranger. I tried to win her friendship and trust back…yes, trust because I did mention a few things to my aunty and uncle that she told in confidence to verify the truth and she has been distant with me and the others eversince. : (

    According to my grandmother, she is either in very happy or sad mood most of the times, very respectful but very reserved. No one knows who Amaar is either but according to my grandmother her granddaughter needs some disciplining and I should try to talk to her out of this.

    And yes, her family tried to coerce her into marriage several times before and each time I think it took a toll upon her, mental and emotional state.... Yet, exclude fake marriage and a husband and my cousin has a normal life, interests and job. “Normal” for those who don’t know better but I am fearful for her as word gets around what people might start believing.


    Thanks for the link I do know a sister who is a psychiatrist actually the only issue is how to get her speaking to this person.
    Asalaamu Alaikum, i think a reliable scholar should also be informed so as to confirm that there is no requirement for ruqya in the case that it may be some effect from a jinn or sihr. It is best to get someone suitably qualified in Ruqya and not just any old peer so that the effects from a jinn or sihr can be ruled out and then it would confirm that she has some sort of psychological condition that is causing her to behave in such a way.

    And Allah knows best in all matters


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