Dear brothers and sisters in Islam, I desperately need advice and especially need your Duas.

Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I am in my late twenties and I wouldn’t call myself religious, in fact I don’t wear hijab, I’m into clothes and make-up, cars and boyfriend, basically all things that are material. I don’t pray regularly, but I do pray every other day.

I find it so hard to lower my gaze.

I have been in a relationship with someone for just over a year and I can't move on.

My Iman is so weak, that I couldn't even bring myself to pray Istikhara to make sure he was right me. (Ya Allah forgive me)

I couldn't pray because I knew I'd still want to be with him if I got a negative answer. I love him so much that words can't describe the pain I'm going through.

I have so many problems in my relationship, he cheated on me and I was so madly in love with him that I took him back. He knows how much I love him, and he knows he can do whatever he wants to hurt me because I take him back.

I know deep down that I’m going through this pain through my own fault, I let him in my life and I let him walk all over me. I didn’t pray Istikhara and chose to tread my own path.

That is why I’m probably suffering so much, and also the fact that I’m with him without being married to him. I allow him to touch me too, I can’t help it, it’s extremely hard when you’re in love with someone.
I pray to Allah that I can walk away from him without feeling needy, hurt, grief and sadness, but every time I leave him, I go back within days because I start missing him so much that the pain is unbearable.

I told him that if he truly wants to be with me, we should get married as we are committing a major sin. But, he won’t listen and I still think he has somebody else, and I still can’t bring myself to walk away from him.

I pray Allah for forgiveness, but I go and sin again. Then I pray for forgiveness and I go and run back in his arms and sin again.

He has a major hold over me and no matter what I do I can’t move on.

I’m so scared because if I don’t leave him sooner rather than later, he will end up ruining my life. I will end up learning the hard way, and the hard way is basically living in misery without him, and him not giving me the time of day, him leaving me for someone else. I’d rather leave now when things are not that bad, but he’s holding me back in an indirect kind of way.

How can I make it easier to walk away? I keep getting the urge to run back to him when I miss him. I’m so impatient.

I can only blame myself for this mess I’m in, and I am just waiting fearfully for Allah’s punishment to come upon me.

I don’t know what to do.
I feel like I’m stuck with four walls around me, waiting to close in and destroy me.

It’s like he has the switch to my happiness and sadness (Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah). When he is sweet to mean shows me attention, I am the happiest girl in the world, but when he doesn’t answer my phone calls or he is horrible on the phone, my world crumbles.
(Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah)

I’m so ashamed of myself. I feel like Allah (swt) has left me to myself on my own because I’m not on the right path, because I pray and then I go and sin again, again and again.

There are so many people on this forum and MashAllah some of you are so strong and have so much patience and dependence on Allah (swt). Where is my dependence? On this material man who is only made of dust? (Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah Astaghfirullah)

The Shaytan has lead me up the hell path and I can’t find a way back.

Please my brothers and sisters, please do Dua for me. InshahAllah, I will remember you all in Duas too.