Originally Posted by artichokeforest

Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.


Geez, I wish I could have talked with them. He has never even told them about me, becuase dating is considered haram. He says his family is even very liberal for Sudanese society.

I think alot of muslim immigrant men (especially) have trouble sticking to islamic way o life, while living in the west. It is a double standard. I thought about attending the wedding, but realized it would only cause me unnecessary heart-ache and grief. I wish there was someone there though, who could represent my case. I ahte the idea that all of this will go down, with Anis being the only one, who knows the real truth. Probably he will never even tell his wife or family. Sometimes i think it is them who do not know the real him. but then I wonder if it was me, actually, who did not know the real him.....

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and advice. Greatly appreciated...

Not many posts touch me, but yours was one of the few that did! I want you to know that my post is in the interest of YOU and YOUR well-being, and in no way trying to offend you or hurt you.

You made an excellent point there. I have seen A LOT of immigrant muslim men come to the west and get mixed up with bad things. Because all of these things are new to them, they don't know how to react to them or the feelings they have towards them.

Maybe that guy 'thought' he loved you, I'm sure it was something new to him, and maybe his love wasn't as strong as it appeared to be. So you know what I say? He is NOT worth it!! So move on (yes it is harder done then said) but it is for YOUR benefit.

Also, about his fiancee finding out about the truth.....his guilt will slowly eat him up on the inside at the same rate as his love grows for his future-wife, so you could probably count on her finding out sooner or later.

I know its hard to forget about what has happened and move on, but it is only doing damage to yourself. Let me try to explain it with a little step-by-step thought process that you are most probably going through:
1. You think to yourself how much you love him
2. Then you say, why did he hurt me like this?
3. You'll most probably continue on to think about how you could possibly forgive him for what he has done if he only comes back to you.
4. You'll then realize that he isnt coming back and will resent him even more than before.
5. Then you'll hope that his wife finds out about you and that his marriage goes sour, just so he can feel the way you did (revenge)
6. However, you regret thinking that because you remember how much you love him. (And this leads directly BACK to #1, and each time the pain will get worse and worse)

you HAVE to take yourself out of this loop if you want to move on. And the best way would be through Islam!

I hope I didnt confuse you

I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah?

Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?

did you convert for him or for God/Allah?

Originally Posted by hafizmo

I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah? did you convert for him or for God/Allah?

There seems to be a fair group of young female converts to Islam.
The same thought has crossed my mind: how many of those did convert for the boy they love?

I HATE this mentality. First, what if he marries me cause I am a "white girl" and not for Allah??? It goes both ways!

Second, I converted after a serious accident where doctors said that I would never walk or talk again, and was lucky to be alive. I converted because everything that medical science said was defied, because I knew that the only reason that I was there berating, and now walking and talking, is because ALLAH put me there! I converted because Allah took mercy on me and gave me a 2nd chance at accepting Islam, the accident happened right after I had decided to stop studying Islam. I could have died a kafer and Allah didn't let that happen, instead he took me apart and put me back together again as only HE could do, to guide me! I am so insulted when people say oh she converted to "marry our good men" etc.

Third, it doesn't matter if she converted for him or not. Who are you to judge her intentions? What is important is that she is Muslim now and that she has the SUPPORT of Muslims to help her learn her deen and be a good Muslim for the sake of Allah. So instead of insulting her why don't you try to offer her some support.

First, what if he marries me cause I am a "white girl" and not for Allah??? It goes both ways!

You what, how does it?

Third, it doesn't matter if she converted for him or not.

It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what?

So instead of insulting her why don't you try to offer her some support.

I'm very sorry but I didn't insult anyone,if in 2006 to ask a question out of interest is insulting then I'm very sorry please forgive me.

It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what?

welll even if that does happen, we shouldn't judge because we don't know the persons intentions. Only Allah knows.

welll even if that does happen, we shouldn't judge because we don't know the persons intentions. Only Allah knows.

yes exactly only Allah knows thats why I wouldnt want to risk it..........I'm sorry to say I am skeptical about such things(bad I know) but I am.......and now back to topic

Originally Posted by hafizmo

You what, how does it?
It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what? I'm very sorry but I didn't insult anyone,if in 2006 to ask a question out of interest is insulting then I'm very sorry please forgive me.

You ask how it goes both ways? Well isn't it just as possible that she converted for Allah and not for you? Isn't it possible that there are men out there who marry women for other reasons and not for Allah? How can you judge someone's intentions?

To answer your question about her "going to back to her old ways" isn't it just as possible that she converted for a good Muslim man who taught her well about Islam and she eventually accepted Islam for Allah? Isn't it possible that her intentions could have changed?

Asking questions can be very insulting when done in the way that you did it, suppose you did marry a "white girl" and someone asked you if you married her for a green card or for Allah, would you not be insulted? You and so many other Muslims ask converts on a constant basis if they converted for Allah or for a man, our intentions are being judged and that insults us.

I am not pro-aranged marriages.

But i wont be unfair to people who commit themselves to arranged marriages either.

It is unfair to say "dont arranged marriages end up in divorces?" i know of more arranged marriages that Survive the Ups and Downs of life compared to 'love relationships'

And sister artichokeforest,...i suggest you ask your Boyfriend those questions that you have posted on the forum,he is in the position to answer your questions,no1 else in here can answer your questions.

Surely we can give you our Opinions,..but if you want answers,you know where you'll find it,all you need now is the courage to make the move and ask the right person the right questions.

Peace.

Salaam Aleykum

I am sorry sister that you have to go through this. I find it amazing that he dropped this bombshell after you stopped being intimate with him. This is how it usually goes. A guy likes a girl, he sweeps off her feet, making promises etc and then he finds out that she wont put out and she is dropped like hot potato. This happens all the time. Those men who stick around are those who are serious about you and want commitment.

Having said this, there was a reason intermingling (having boyfriends/girlfriends) was forbidden. All this heartache and uncertainty are out of the picture. Lets face it..men and women behave differently and usually are after different things from relationships.

Sister if you reverted for him, try to learn about Islam properly this time.

May ALlah ease your pain sis and i suggest that he isnt worth your love if he was willing to go through a marriage.

If he found so easy to disobey Allah which is he finding hard to disobey his parents? Was it because he was just messing with you? Man like that you dont want as a father for your kids or as a husband.

Take care sis

Salaam

SLAAM,
I feel ur pain, sometimes muslim bros lead astray,
unfortunatley all bros are not like that. you have changed,learnt the hard way, but islam will guide u for a better future.
by the way FORGET HIM

Originally Posted by swanlake

Salaam Aleykum

I am sorry sister that you have to go through this. I find it amazing that he dropped this bombshell after you stopped being intimate with him. [...]
Salaam

Good point!

Originally Posted by hafizmo

I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah? did you convert for him or for God/Allah?

very good point!

I suppose you are right! ALL of you are in some ways. The thing I can't stand is the righteousness sometimes. There are still many questions I need to answer in my position to Islam. I don't think there are many people who convert overnight. Even groups of people who have converted have always retained many of their ancestral customs, and combined them with Islam. So how do i fit in that way. For all those people born into Islam, they have troubel seeing the cultural context, Turkish Islam, Indonesian Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufi...all the various divisions and sub-divisions.

I like the Sufi take the best. Where are all the Sufis?

I feel a deep blessing(baraka) for my experience, and wish not to trash it, by feeling sorry for myself. I don't see myself as a victim. I do feel very heart-broken and I miss him deeply. I believe our love was genuine. I read Sayib Talib's, A Season of Migration to the North. I see the battle between the East and the West, the Orient and Occident. My face is Japanese, but with a hijab i could pass for a muslim, more easily that caucasion reverts.

Given my expectations as a person raised here, this kind of thing only happens in the soap operas. It seems so dramatic and extreme. I think I am still simply in shock.

Did I convert for him or for Allah? Well I would say for both. I cannot separate them. the experience of love, erased alot fo my pain, and put me in touch with many answers. I think once my heart heals and mends itself, I will make my final decison on where I stand.

I don't have a community. An Islamic community. Nor do I know where to find one. I wonder why Anis could not have facilitated this more. Did he not have a responsibility. I always like i was trying to be something, that i had no idea about. Try to be a Sudanese lady. I have the feeling he will regret it, at some point. I have even wondered if it would eat away at him.

In order to help with the mending of my heart, I am going to Guatemala for 6 months to learn how to backsrap weave with Mayan Indigenous ladies. Inshallah.If anyone knows any muslims down there, please let me know!

Bizmillah

Thank you for your honest post. You certainly have spent some time pondering these things, haven't you?

Originally Posted by artichokeforest

In order to help with the mending of my heart, I am going to Guatemala for 6 months to learn how to backsrap weave with Mayan Indigenous ladies. Inshallah.If anyone knows any muslims down there, please let me know!

Bizmillah

I hope you find the time, peace and space in Guatemala to make those important decisions for yourself! How soon are you going?

I don't know any Muslims down there, but I do know how to weave!

Blessings on your road to discovery.
Perhaps, perhaps, just perhaps you'll be able to share with us one day, how things went ...

Love,