Thread: my boyfriend has an arranged marriage

I am new to Islam and to this community. i am writing in fact, because I have many questions. I am not very sure about what has occurred.

Here is my situation. I am a Canadian of mixed ethnicity (Japanese-German) I was not raised in any particular religion. I am an artist and love to travel. Now my boyfriend, who I will call Anis(not his real name) of the past 3 years is a Sudanese Muslim. We love each other deeply. It has not been an easy road though. First we come from very different communities. He has only been in Canada for 5 years and still suffers from many of the growing pains of being a new immigrant.

But for some reason we have found ourselves together and unable to separate depsite the obstacles, we have kept pursuing our relationship. We relate very well, have similar opinions in regards to politics and have similar goals. there is much passion too. Shortly into our relationship, i thought I wanted to marry him. He told me with much sadness that he would love to, but does not know if his parents would accept. I was heart-brken but continued. Slowly I learned to appreciate Islam, and understand Anis better. I thought if I had faith and continued, eventually we would work things out.

I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship. About 4 months ago, I decided we must stop any physical contact, if I am going to accept Islam. Shortly after Anis, told me that he is engaged, and has been for the past year to his cousin. I was in utter shock that he did not tell me earlier. And he has been talking with her on the phone for the past year. I felt deeply betrayed. It is strange because sometimes I felt a fear that he was having an affair on me, although I had no evidence. When this new information came out, I understood why I felt something that I could not explain.

I have been trying to accept the situation. But I cannot believe he would prefer to marry a women he has not met for over 9 years, than to stay with me, his sweetheart and love. Sometimes I think our lives would have been too hard, to figure out: money, child-raising, since we come from such different backgrounds....but still it hurts too much to lose him in this way.As a women born and raised in the West, it is still too unbelievable that this is happening.

About 2 days ago, Anis left for the Sudan to get married. I am in utter shock and disbelief. he told me he loves me dearly and will never love another woman like me. But now he is going to get married to a women his parents and relatives chose for him. he is going to bring her back to Canada. I stil can't beleive this is happening. If there is anyone who can give me some words of wisdom or a way to accpet and understand this situation better is would be so appreciated...

Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?

Some parents force their children to marry people from their own country, which is rather backwards, but the child doesn't really say anything because he doesn't want to upset or stand against his parents wishes.
Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.
However, in Islam you need to be married to someone you love, we have no such concept as boyfriend/girlfriend.
We don't play around like that, if you truly love someone there needs to be commitment, and you will need to be someone who is going to stick with that person you truly love till the end.

These boyfriend/girlfriend relationships usually last for a month, year, but eventually they end, and you have to ask yourself, did you truly love that person?
In Islam we do not experiment either until we find "the right person".
We choose the right person based on his compatibility, not on his looks or how hot he looks.
Those are things that are unimportant to a relationship.
Which is why you see western women falling for a guy because he had a nice chest, or he looks "cute" or "sexy".
This is all a recipe for a short-term, lust motivated relationship.

Two people come together and stay together because of compatibility and understanding!

Wasalam.

Originally Posted by artichokeforest

Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me??

My guess is that he was feeling guilty about having a haram relationship but lacked the backbone or willpower to bring it to an end himself. So he encouraged you to learn about Islam so that eventually you would yourself realise that what was happening was wrong, and call an end to physical contact between you. This you did, and it was at this moment that he dropped the bombshell about his engagement to the cousin.

Maybe you should talk to his family and try and convince them that you truly love him.


Geez, I wish I could have talked with them. He has never even told them about me, becuase dating is considered haram. He says his family is even very liberal for Sudanese society.

I think alot of muslim immigrant men (especially) have trouble sticking to islamic way o life, while living in the west. It is a double standard. I thought about attending the wedding, but realized it would only cause me unnecessary heart-ache and grief. I wish there was someone there though, who could represent my case. I ahte the idea that all of this will go down, with Anis being the only one, who knows the real truth. Probably he will never even tell his wife or family. Sometimes i think it is them who do not know the real him. but then I wonder if it was me, actually, who did not know the real him.....

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and advice. Greatly appreciated...

Assalamu alaikum sister,

I am so sorry that you had to experience this situation. I know very well what you have been through and are going through at this moment, and it is hard but it will get easier insha Allah.

when I was new to Islam a brother that a I thought was so pious asked me to marry him, it was arranged to be secret, and he would make his parents understand and accept it after we graduated (so naive I was). For years I believed him, and when I became pregnant he began to show who he really was and the lies started to unravel. He told me to have an abortion or he would kill himself, the whole time I was pregnant he was never there for me, I barely saw him, and he never even helped me get anything for the baby. His parents found out when I was 8 months pregnant, they said that I was not culturally compatible and that our marriage was against Islam because they did not agree...and that my son would never know his father, and then his rare visits and half-hearted promises to be there when our son was born and be with us after stopped. I called the sheikh, who said he should be there, and I called him and asked him to come while I was in labor. I begged him to be part of our sons life, and couldn't understand how when they are so cultural and come from a culture that valued family so much could just ignore my son and I. He never showed and I gave birth alone and attempted to say the adhan in my sons ear in English. My son was born early due to the stress I was under and when I brought him home from the hospital it was so sad, I didn't have clothes or anything. To this day he doesn't support or see my son. He came around a few times and said he loved us and tried to get back with me, I soon learned that he was engaged to his cousin and had been for the whole 3 years that this was going on. He saw our son and I and said he loved us etc and promised me he wouldn't marry her and then flew off to get married in the home country of his parents. Of course he married her and my son and I meant nothing to him, we never did, it just took getting slapped in the face like that for me to realize it.

I know sooo many women, converts and non converts, that this has happened to and for awhile I was so angry and so far from Islam. But this is not Islam, and there are some very good Muslim brothers out there. I eventually found my way back and my iman increased and I was closer to my deen alhumdulilah. I met a good man through my wali and when I accepted his proposal last week there was nothing kept secret, his family is not happy but they know, and insha Allah they will be happier about it in the future. The best advice I can give you is when your ready to get married follow the guidelines of Islam and you cant go wrong. You will find a good man who will make you happy insha Allah.

I know its really hard to accept and impossible to understand, for a long time I kept saying why would he marry her when he loves me, how can this be happening, the concept was so foreign to me. Your sitting there helpless and he is getting married across the sea. He told me that same things that Anis told you, that it didn't mean that he didn't love me and that he would never love another woman like he loved me, etc. Eventually I just had to accept it for what it was, he didn't love me and his intention was not to please Allah but himself. I hope that you will accept it and move on faster than I did insha Allah, its really the best thing you can do. Its different when he is a Muslim man that lives to please Allah, and is guided by Islam, when he is a true example for you, and wants to make sure that you are given the rights that Islam has granted you, I promise. If you ever need to talk I would be happy to listen, and I'm moving to Canada in a few weeks insha Allah so we will have lots to talk about!

May Allah be with all those who are mistreated.

Acceptance of the will of Allah is the key to happiness.

Sister, please research Islam on your own and discover its beauty. Insha'allah the love for islam will enter your heart, and you will become a strong and steadfast Muslim who will be blessed with the best husband ever. INSHA'allah.

he is not worth it....

write down 100 -ve things about him... to try to forget about him