Helpless!

lonely · **Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Salaam everyone!

I need some help.

I've been married for 10 years and it's been quite a bumpy road.

My husband is very boring, arrogant, humorless and self-centered.

He is always sick or complaining about something or the other. We don't really have any 'real' conversations unless it's about his 3 favourite topics viz; his work, finances, the car. We don't go out, the only place we ever go to is my parents.

Some years ago, I was so stressed that I took the kids and left, he promised he would change and we would even go for counselling, but that never happened. I really do love him, but at the moment in time I cannot stand looking or listening to him. I could tell much more than this, but I don't have the time or energy to explain.

Any suggestions???

Rabi'ya · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

sister, i think you need to sit him down and talk it out. try to stay calm and dont shout, argue or get things out of hand.

Explain how you feel and that if things dont change or if he doenst change then you will have to take further action. I think it might be an idea to suggest the counselling again, and go as a couple. speak to the imam at your local masjid, who may be able to counsel you.

Dont give up sister, please talk to him firstly and try to sort things out. Everyone goes through rought patches, im sure, inshAllah, with the help of Almighty Allah you can get through it.

May Allah help you and guide you...ameen

Rabi'ya:rose:

(thread moved)

lonely · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy. I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone, even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.

MetSudaisTwice · **Page Updated: 25/05/2006**

salam
that is probably the best and the most civilised solution to your problem as sis rabiya has mentioned
just communicate with each other more, thats my advice
wasalam

Ameeratul Layl · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonely

Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy.
I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone,

Sis, u cant neglect ur kids. U do that now and theyll never want to love you and then....theyll start to rebel. Do u want that? I doubt it very much!!

even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.

Hmmmmm......dont he have a room of his won. And how old is the YOUNGEST child?

lonely · 11:35 AM

Thanks Ameeratul Layl

Quote:

How many kids u got sis?

3

Quote:

How long has this been going on for?

Oh, most of my married life, there were times it was okay or shall I say bearable!

Quote:

Do both of u work?

Yes!

Quote:

wat do YOU think has triggered tbis behaviour off?

I don't think anything has triggered it, he just needs a good attitude adjustment.

The baby is 2 years old!

He doesn't have a room of his own, our place is big enough!!!

I meant to say our place is NOT big enough!!!sorry

MetSudaisTwice · **Page Updated: 25/05/2006**

salam
sis you got to have a really close bond and relationship with your childrens so that your husband realises that he should really love and respect you more now that you are caring for his childrens, and sis talk in a clam way to him and don't ever give up if he still shows you bad attitude
tell him that you both should sort out the problems before it gets so worse and it will effect the kids
wasalam

Rabi'ya · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Ok sis, you should not bring the children into this dispute between you and your husband. I, for one, know this from experience. the child will end up blaming themselves. Please do not let them realise the tension. Explain this to your husband and tell him that you have to put the children before anything else,

this in itself may help the situation because you both have a common goal. You should set down specific family time and try to re-build the bond as a couple and as a family. Try going out once a week, say on a saturday with the kids and go to the park, or to an event, or attraction. If your local masjid does talks that would be anexcellent even to go to as you can go as a family, and you can learn something too. The kids will be kept occupied too, inshAllah

Rabi'ya:rose:

Ameeratul Layl · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonely

Thanks Ameeratul Layl

How many kids u got sis? 3

MashAllah...thats weet. U sed ur youngest is 2 years old. Is this cild close to the father?
How long has this been going on for? Oh, most of my married life, there were times it was okay or shall I say bearable!

Wat makes u want to spill it all out now sis? I must ask this cuz I need to know how u feel.....
Do both of u work? Yes!

And gud money is coming in?

wat do YOU think has triggered tbis behaviour off? I don't think anything has triggered it, he just needs a good attitude adjustment.

hmmmm...im thinking about that one ^^^^^

lonely · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?

Rabi'ya · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Just a thought - wheredo you live sis?

Rabi'ya:rose:

Ameeratul Layl · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonely

If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?

Dont scream and shout....talk to him with nice and kind words...amaze him!! Hell probably click after a while.

MetSudaisTwice · **Page Updated: 25/05/2006**

salam
sis then maybe you need to telling him with a firm tone of voice that he best sort himself out before it really effects the kids, tell him that if he really loves you and his kids then he will sort him out
either that or give him an ultimatum
wasalam

lonely · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

Actually the money is coming in, but there was a business that went bad 2 years ago, which left us with a lot of debt! The point is not wanting to spill it out now, it's been going on for a long while already! It's just reached boiling point!

lonely · **Re: Helpless! -** 11-17-2005

I am out in South Africa, Cape Town to be exact!

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	(#1 (permalink))
lonely Limited Member Status: Offline Posts: 13 Reputation: 7 Rep Power: 0 Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Helpless! - 11-17-2005 Salaam everyone! I need some help. I've been married for 10 years and it's been quite a bumpy road. My husband is very boring, arrogant, humorless and self-centered. He is always sick or complaining about something or the other. We don't really have any 'real' conversations unless it's about his 3 favourite topics viz; his work, finances, the car. We don't go out, the only place we ever go to is my parents. Some years ago, I was so stressed that I took the kids and left, he promised he would change and we would even go for counselling, but that never happened. I really do love him, but at the moment in time I cannot stand looking or listening to him. I could tell much more than this, but I don't have the time or energy to explain. Any suggestions???

	(#2 (permalink))
Rabi'ya Ex - Mod Status: Offline Posts: 2,452 Reputation: 4918 Rep Power: 29 Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Cardiff, Wales Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 sister, i think you need to sit him down and talk it out. try to stay calm and dont shout, argue or get things out of hand. Explain how you feel and that if things dont change or if he doenst change then you will have to take further action. I think it might be an idea to suggest the counselling again, and go as a couple. speak to the imam at your local masjid, who may be able to counsel you. Dont give up sister, please talk to him firstly and try to sort things out. Everyone goes through rought patches, im sure, inshAllah, with the help of Almighty Allah you can get through it. May Allah help you and guide you...ameen Rabi'ya:rose: (thread moved) __________________ Rabi'ya

	(#3 (permalink))
lonely Limited Member Status: Offline Posts: 13 Reputation: 7 Rep Power: 0 Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 Sitting down and talking to him takes up 99.9% of my energy. I feel so stressed at the moment, and it's affecting other areas in my life, especially my children, I end up sending them to bed early, just becuase I want to be alone, even when I try to do something with them, he ends up yelling, becuase he can't concentrate on his work - he works from home - I really am so sick of his attitude.

	(#4 (permalink))
MetSudaisTwice SS NUMBER 1 FAN Status: Offline Posts: 6,837 Reputation: 5977 Rep Power: 36 Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Planet called Earth apparently Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 salam that is probably the best and the most civilised solution to your problem as sis rabiya has mentioned just communicate with each other more, thats my advice wasalam __________________ Visit My Page for many recitations from known Imams and Quraa's Page Updated: 25/05/2006 New recordings of Sheikh Saad Numani, Imitator of Famous Imams and Quraa's added!!

	(#7 (permalink))
MetSudaisTwice SS NUMBER 1 FAN Status: Offline Posts: 6,837 Reputation: 5977 Rep Power: 36 Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Planet called Earth apparently Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 salam sis you got to have a really close bond and relationship with your childrens so that your husband realises that he should really love and respect you more now that you are caring for his childrens, and sis talk in a clam way to him and don't ever give up if he still shows you bad attitude tell him that you both should sort out the problems before it gets so worse and it will effect the kids wasalam __________________ Visit My Page for many recitations from known Imams and Quraa's Page Updated: 25/05/2006 New recordings of Sheikh Saad Numani, Imitator of Famous Imams and Quraa's added!!

	(#8 (permalink))
Rabi'ya Ex - Mod Status: Offline Posts: 2,452 Reputation: 4918 Rep Power: 29 Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Cardiff, Wales Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 Ok sis, you should not bring the children into this dispute between you and your husband. I, for one, know this from experience. the child will end up blaming themselves. Please do not let them realise the tension. Explain this to your husband and tell him that you have to put the children before anything else, this in itself may help the situation because you both have a common goal. You should set down specific family time and try to re-build the bond as a couple and as a family. Try going out once a week, say on a saturday with the kids and go to the park, or to an event, or attraction. If your local masjid does talks that would be anexcellent even to go to as you can go as a family, and you can learn something too. The kids will be kept occupied too, inshAllah Rabi'ya:rose: __________________ Rabi'ya

	(#10 (permalink))
lonely Limited Member Status: Offline Posts: 13 Reputation: 7 Rep Power: 0 Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 If I start telling him about his attitude, he gets down on me, and tells me that maybe I need an attitude adjustment then he will get one. How do you have a civilized discussion with someone like this?

	(#11 (permalink))
Rabi'ya Ex - Mod Status: Offline Posts: 2,452 Reputation: 4918 Rep Power: 29 Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Cardiff, Wales Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 Just a thought - wheredo you live sis? Rabi'ya:rose: __________________ Rabi'ya

	(#13 (permalink))
MetSudaisTwice SS NUMBER 1 FAN Status: Offline Posts: 6,837 Reputation: 5977 Rep Power: 36 Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Planet called Earth apparently Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 salam sis then maybe you need to telling him with a firm tone of voice that he best sort himself out before it really effects the kids, tell him that if he really loves you and his kids then he will sort him out either that or give him an ultimatum wasalam __________________ Visit My Page for many recitations from known Imams and Quraa's Page Updated: 25/05/2006 New recordings of Sheikh Saad Numani, Imitator of Famous Imams and Quraa's added!!

	(#14 (permalink))
lonely Limited Member Status: Offline Posts: 13 Reputation: 7 Rep Power: 0 Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 Actually the money is coming in, but there was a business that went bad 2 years ago, which left us with a lot of debt! The point is not wanting to spill it out now, it's been going on for a long while already! It's just reached boiling point!

	(#15 (permalink))
lonely Limited Member Status: Offline Posts: 13 Reputation: 7 Rep Power: 0 Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Way of Life: Muslim	Re: Helpless! - 11-17-2005 I am out in South Africa, Cape Town to be exact!