Last edited by جوري; 03-29-2012 at 08:47 PM.
People don't realise that Allah has gifted them with marriage, has gifted them their spouse, and their children if they have any, yet people think that it's because of some personal hard work or compromise of theirs (that others might not have put in) that they are married or are going to get married. Allah gives what He wishes to whom He wishes, and withholds from whom He wishes. Man must make every effort, and du3a, but if Allah hasn't decreed something for him, if all the people in the world gather together to try to make it happen, it simply will not happen.
Allah bestows children! Subhanallah. The person who reaches this age may not see Allah's decree thus far as a "problem", and may make an effort, make du3a for it, and accept whatever Allah decrees in the end.being 26 and not married and childless IS a problem
Again, another common thing. The assumption that those who aren't married, might not be married because of some unrealistic expectations of theirs.Rather than waiting "for the right one" a woman should look within herself to see what SHE can change, not hold unrealistic expectations (because, lets face it, this is one of the bigger problems and why marriage gets delayed).
May Allah grant us all the ability to recognise the magnitude of what we're bestowed with, to know that it is due to Allah's beneficience, to not judge others for what they haven't been bestowed with, and to make du3a for them, ameen.
Last edited by Insaanah; 03-29-2012 at 09:37 PM.
I think everyone has valid points but are coming from different angles. Some are coming from the point of view of women who are unable to get married, whilst others are coming from the point of view of women who are. It is certainly possible for a woman to contribute to society in so many ways, whilst being a wife and mother. However, we still need to recognise that wifehood and motherhood are extremely noble and valuable roles. I felt that some statements mentioned earlier seemed to downplay these roles:
Allah (swt) did not create women for the sake of wifehood or motherhood. This is not our first goal, nor our end goal. Our creation was to fulfill our first and most important role—to be His SLAVE.From the articles I linked to earlier:There is nothing in the Quran or the Sunnah that specifically says women your primary obligatory roles are wifehood and motherhood.
When the Qur’an mentions other women, it is very evident that in praising any believing woman it praises her for possessing similar qualities. If she is a married woman the Qur’an would praise her as a wife, supporting her husband and being dutiful to him. If she is a mother, the Qur’an would praise her for her important role as a nurturer of the next generation. I have not witnessed the Qur’an praising any woman for her contribution outside of this framework. For example, we don’t see the Qur’an praising a woman for her political involvement, da’wah activism, level of knowledge, social engagement or even leadership. This article cannot possibly include the stories of all women mentioned in the Qur’an, but a simple analysis should confirm this finding.
The wife of Imran mentioned in Surah ‘Aal ‘Imran is another example of an exemplary woman. She was a wife and a mother. The main quality mentioned in Qur’an about her is what is mentioned in the verse,
“(Remember) when the wife of ‘Imran said, "O my Lord! I have vowed to you what is in my womb to be dedicated for your service, so accept this from me. Verily, you are the All-Hearer, the All-Knowing."
According to the exegete Ibn Kathir, the wife of ‘Imran mentioned here is the mother of Maryam, and her name was Hannah bint Faqudh. Muhammad bin Ishaq, the famous biographer and historian, mentioned that Hannah could not have children and that one day, she saw a bird feeding its chick. She wished she could have children and supplicated to Allah to grant her offspring. Allah accepted her supplication and she became pregnant. She vowed to make her child concentrate on worship and serving Bayt Al-Maqdis (the Masjid in Jerusalem). She did not know then if she would give birth to a male or a female child. The fact that this is the only thing mentioned about her indicates that this is the most important contribution that distinguished her and placed her in this praiseworthy position. It is evident from the story that her goal was to be a mother and when she knew that this was likely to happen she vowed to dedicate her child to serve Allah’s cause in order to thank Him for what he had given her. Similarly, Maryam’s chief contribution was her giving birth to a great Prophet and then taking care of him. The same may be said about the contribution of Musa’s mother. Their role in the lives and achievements of these great men was indispensable.
In this vein, a person might ask himself, why was it that Allah sent male Prophets and not female? He says, “And We sent not before you (as Messengers) any but men." It is noteworthy that Allah sent over a hundred thousand Prophets, three hundred and fifteen of them messengers and all of them were men.
If we survey the sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him), a similar understanding is found. The qualities of devotion to Allah and their families were at the centre of the praiseworthy qualities of women. For example, the Prophet clarifies the Islamic view regarding the best women and the central reason behind it saying, “The best women from the riders of the camels (the best Arab women) are the righteous among the women of Quraish. They are the kindest women to their children in childhood and the most careful of women in regards to the property of their husbands.” In this hadith the Prophet explains their goodness by being good wives and good mothers.
It is true that there are a number of Qur’anic verses and Prophetic traditions that mention the contribution of women in military activities, their political participation and da’wah work, however an analysis of these incidents confirms that they were carried out as complementary activities to their principal role as wives or mothers. In fact, we can go so far as to say that we do not find an emphasis in the shari’ah on any role for a woman except her role as a mother, a wife or a righteous servant of Allah. For example, we find that the shari’ah considered jihad as one of the noblest activities for men but did not encourage women to take part in it despite the military contribution of a number of female Companions...
Even in the original article of this thread, it mentions:Shaykh Mohammad Akram Nadwi mentions in his introduction to his Dictionary of women hadith scholars, Al Muhadithaat, “Not one [of the 8000 female hadith scholars he researched] is reported to have considered the domain of family life inferior, or neglected duties therein...So all this seems to indicate that being a wife and mother are principle roles to which other activities are complementary, whether alongside them or in situations where marriage or children are not possible. Of course the first and foremost role is to be a slave of Allaah (swt), but the Qur'an and Sunnah provide us with guidance and examples as to how to be the best slave possible.
Female scholars in our history were focused on being family women when they had families to whom they held responsibilities, and when able, they also had goals and objectives in life which extended beyond the roles of wifehood and motherhood. So what about someone who is not yet married? Many single women are using their time to the utmost, focusing on improving their skills and abilities to contribute back to the ummah (community) and society at large.
And Allaah (swt) knows best.
my personal experience in the west is that of women getting a lot of peer pressure to go out and earn the bread, so they often leave out marriage and children etc just to work - from which taxes are extracted and the cycle continues, i am in no way against women working if the conditions are good and halal and there is no peer pressure or sheep mentality to do so. we actually need female gynecologists and other things where women are needed in place of men.
but the sad part of it is that the system slowly adapts to their working and rents and costs etc increase proportionately forcing them to work anyway, which i believe is wrong.
the mans duty is to bring in the bread and the womans duty is to ensure the kids grow up well,
with that, there are many grey areas.
but the perception the feminist movements and the bankers and governments that sponsor them are pushing is unhealthy and doesnt belong in an Islamic environment.
i see from my own experiences with nieces etc where they worked part time to fund college and then huge loans for uni, then work.
but the corruption it causes in them is sad, because Allah has made humans attract to the opposite gender from a much earlier age than they go to work, and much begins to happen in between - especially in this sick climate which the mass media and their sponsors are creating.
there is no either or argument to be had here, but understanding the situation and other factors on the ground is essential in making decisions - and this is no black and white issue.
The idea is not to downplay the importance of wifehood and motherhood; they are both beneficiary roles that contribute to the social structure of society. However, there are plenty of practical, social, economic, and most importantly religious knowledge that could make any woman a better wife, mother, and Muslim. Let’s be realistic, those who argue for wifehood and motherhood roles usually take an absolutist stand. Phrases such as “it is the best”, and “they are the only praiseworthy roles of women” downplay the holistic capabilities of women in general. I'm not personally downplaying the noble status of both roles, but when compared to worshiping God, they both become secondary in nature. Men could be fathers and husbands, and yet how many scholars and even women encourage and emphasis the importance of being a father and a husband? Who dares label those two roles as primary roles for men. The Prophet (PBUH) has claimed to be the best to his family when he stated -
“The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I’m the best among you to my family” Al-Tirmidhi.
How many husbands and fathers try to be the best to their family, or even advocate for such a beautiful role?
Another matter that should be addressed as well, deals with some of the women who are mentioned in the Qu’ran. Asiya, the wife of Pharaoh was not complemented in the Qu’ran for her roles pertaining to wifehood or motherhood, but rather her “trust”, “patience”, and “devotion” to God. She changed her ways, stood-up for her faith in Allah, and her primary goal was to please Allah the Most High.
And God sets forth, as an example to those who believe the wife of Pharaoh: Behold she said: 'O my Lord! Build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden, and save me from Pharaoh and his doings, and save me from those that do wrong' -Surah Tahrim, Ayat 11
And in the same Surah Allah mentions the wives of Prophet Lut and Noah. They were blessed when it came to marriage for they were the wives of God's Prophets. However, their wifehood status nor their motherhood roles changed the fact that they became among those who entered hell. They simply rejected God.
And then there is the mother of Isa, Mary. Allah praises her not for being the best mother, but rather for guarding her chastity, testifying to the Truth, believing in God’s Scriptures, and most importantly, Allah say she was “of the Qanitin" –those who are Obedient to Allah.Allah sets forth an example for those who disbelieve, the wife of Nuh (Noah) and the wife of Lout (Lot). They were under two of our righteous slaves, but they both betrayed their (husbands by rejecting their doctrine) so they [Nuh (Noah) and Lout (Lot)] benefited them (their respective wives) not, against Allah, and it was said: "Enter the Fire along with those who enter!" –Surah Tahrim Ayat, 10
And again in Surah Imran God speaks of Maryam the Mother of Isa....In Surah Tahrim, Ayat 12
And Maryam (Mary), the daughter of 'Imran who guarded her chastity; and We breathed into (the sleeve of her shirt or her garment) through Our Ruh [i.e. Jibrael (Gabriel)], and she testified to the truth of the Words of her Lord [i.e. believed in the Words of Allah: "Be!" and he was; that is 'Iesa (Jesus) - son of Maryam (Mary); as a Messenger of Allah], and (also believed in) His Scriptures, and she was of the Qanitin (i.e. obedient to Allah).
It’s quite simple Brother, motherhood and wifehood are secondary roles when it comes to Worshiping Allah Azza wa Jal. And they are not the only roles available for women when it comes to Islam. Whoever wants to do so, can do so and benefit greatly from it. No one is arguing here otherwise. But, please for the Love of God, let's not pretend as if those are the only best options available for Muslim women or that those roles are more significant then obedience to Allah, prostrating to him, and bowing down with those who bow down to God.O Maryam! "Submit yourself with obedience to your Lord (Allah, by worshipping none but Him Alone) and prostrate yourself, and Irkâ'i (bow down etc.) along with Ar-Râki'ûn (those who bow down etc.)." (Surah Al-Imran:42-43)
Allah knows best.
When you point fingers at someone, 3 fingers point back at you. A cliche statement, but quite true, at least anatomically. This was my last post giving your inanities some attention.
Firstly, nobody is saying that the role of wifehood or motherhood is more significant than worship and obedience towards Allaah (swt) - this is impossible. Rather wifehood and motherhood are themselves acts of worship and obedience to Allaah (swt). You quoted the hadeeth earlier:
“When a woman prays her five (prayers), (2)fasts her month (Ramadan),(3) preserves her chastity, and (4)obeys her husband, she will be told (on the Day of Judgement), “Enter Jannah from any of its (eight) gates.”Therefore there is nothing to indicate that being a wife and mother would stop one from worshipping Allaah (swt), rather they go hand-in-hand. If we are going to be realistic, let us consider whether other roles will help to achieve the same. It is the experience of many that pursuing other roles often comes with great costs involving their religious commitment, and basic duties like maintaining prayers and guarding chastity (including observing proper Hijab) are challenged very greatly, not to mention certain conflicts that arise for women in terms of travelling alone and so on. If we are advocating roles for women that help them to fulfil the primary objective of worshipping Allaah (swt) and being the best slave, we must bear this point in mind and they must consider their options accordingly.
I want to make it clear that I am not saying women should not pursue roles outside of motherhood and wifehood - rather I agree with what others have said in that we do need women to pursue certain roles such as those where women are needed in place of men, but these must be done with the right intentions and consideration must be given to the challenges that will be faced. Yet there are some roles that do not pose such difficulties for women and can reasonably be done alongside wifehood and motherhood, where they can contribute to society in a number of ways without compromising on their religious commitment. As more than one person said previously, there are many factors to consider in making the decision. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that what is "the best" role for a particular individual will vary, but what we are discussing is a general guideline. The shaykh who wrote the article I quoted is involved with the Islamic Shariah Council of Britain, and therefore he is probably bearing in mind in his argument the large number of cases of broken homes and marriages, which further shows the complexity of the issue.
Secondly, regarding the women mentioned in the Qur'an, it is still interesting to note that wifehood or motherhood are roles mentioned alongside the qualities you quoted, in some cases being clearer than others. And the point is taken together with other texts from the Qur'an and Sunnah, indicating that wifehood and motherhood have a greater emphasis placed on them than other roles and cannot be regarded as equal.
I think the message that should be given is how to be a better wife or mother by benefitting others and contributing more to society. It shouldn't be a case of 'there are plenty of other things you can do instead' as a general guideline given to all.
And Allaah (swt) knows best.
I think this discussion has somehow gone off-course from the original intention of the opening post (or my interpretation of it).
When I initially read the article - it spoke of the type of woman who DOES desire marriage and children, yet DESPITE her efforts, she remains single.
This does not necessarily imply that she has set her standards too high in her search for the ideal spouse......in fact - if piety is one of the most important criteria in finding a marriage partner - then, in todays age, how hard is this becoming to find?
From my own personal expierence:
Being 32, divorced and childless, I am left wondering - what are my chances of marriage and motherhood now?
I have realised how many younger, single women there are - all desperately seeking marriage.......
And what I have grown to accept, is that THIS is the decree of Allah (subhanawata'ala) for my life (as it is for many others who may never be fortunate enough to see marriage in their lifetimes).
Insha Allah, my Rabb will bless me with the favour of completing half my deen.
But perhaps, despite all my efforts and duaas, in His wisdom - He may not.
What we should realise is that Allah has a plan for ALL of us.
And no two stories run the same course.
We all desire the best in this life - good health, wealth, a faithful spouse, healthy and righteous children........and we may do our best to see fruition of this.
But, the decree of Allah is all that matters.
Perhaps, what He is denying you, is for YOUR own benefit - you just cannot comprehend it at this point in time.
Yes, marriage and children is a blessing from Allah Taa'la.
But have you not seen those, to whom it has become the greatest means of trial and displeasure of Allah?
In my own life - my imaan was at its all time low during marriage.
It was a struggle to read salaah, my version of 'hijab' was laughable, the Quraan remained untouched save for Ramadaan.......I was a sorryful example of a muslim.
Marriage did not add to half my imaan.....it very likely subtracted from it.
Today, I realise that what seemed like a tragedy - was actually a blessing in disguise.
I have never known Islam as I do today - and this is honestly all that really matters.
So, you see - while others may look at my single, childless life in sorrow and sympathy.......they will never know Allahs great favour in returning me...... to Him!
SubhanAllah......If I had to go through it all again - only to be in the place I am today, I will in a heartbeat.
What I am trying to say is: do not look at those who are single/ widowed/ divorced/ childless with a judgemental and critical eye.
Who knows why they have been denied the apparent 'blessings' of this worldly life......but the Almighty?
You may not be able to see the peace and tranquility in their hearts - despite lifes denials.
For they know that their life is running JUST as Allah had planned!
Last edited by ~Zaria~; 03-30-2012 at 04:11 PM.
I am the princess in the tower. My prince will comes ride his white horse. The he will bring me to his castle, and marry me.
I can't remember how many prince I've meet. But if they were not belong to someone else, they chose other princess.
There are girls who do not realize that get married is different than buy a handbag. If a girl falls in love to a handbag, she can buy this handbag, and the handbag belong to her. But if she falls in love to a man who she meet, could she have this man if he doesn't want to choose her?.
There are lucky girls who can have a man who make them fall in love. But mostly of girls are not lucky like this. They cannot have a man that make them fall in love. So, the only thing that they should do if they want to be happy is build ability to love a man who they can have.
masha'Allah what an excellent post.. indeed there are many parallels between you and many others here (many of us just prefer to close the book on painful chapters).. I personally lost the one I wanted to marry in April 2004 (to death) and that was beyond words or description really.. coming to terms with how someone can be snatched in the prime of their life was really difficult and I realize it is one of those things you just have to live with not get over.. made me largely a recluse, it affected my studies, took me longer than everyone else as I saw no purpose or direction or meaning to any of it.. but you're right in that we might not see tragedies for what they truly are.. a way to either draw close to Allah swt or lose our religion all together..
Almalu waalbanoona zeenatu alhayati alddunya waalbaqiyatu alssalihatu khayrun AAinda rabbika thawaban wakhayrun amalan
It’s quite visible that our arguments are not directly in conflict since they deal with two different situations. As stated before, everyone knows their religious responsibilities, their personal capabilities, and has the capacity to make informed decisions that are closely aligned with their religious and world interests. Again, this thread was never intended to compare and contrast motherhood, wifehood, religiosity, or economic security. The purpose of it was to inform girls and women who are not “Married” or /and are not “Mothers” about roles, that do not conflict with Islam and if done for the sake of Allah will be rewarding on Judgment Day.
I’ve read both of the articles you have mentioned on this thread, and honestly, it was not beneficial to me personally. Even when addressing single women, the Shaykh spoke of motherhood and wifehood, and introduced the notion that single women should have the intentions of getting married and having kids even if it does not materialized.There is nothing wrong with that. However, the overwhelming majority intend to get married and have kids if the possiblity presents itself, but how is that an advice to single women?
I’m not married nor do not have kids, so why should I waste time and effort intending to do something Allah controls, especially, when I’m currently undertaking realistic, practical, and reasonable actions which are in the process of materializing? I’m certain that the Shaykh has good intentions, but, I doubt houses are breaking apart as a direct result of working women or that motherhood and wifehood are the solution. I know of plenty of mothers and wives who are completely ignorant (sorry to use that term) about the activists of their children or their surrounding environment. One has to take wider social problems into consideration, and make convenient decisions to maintain their marriage and home. Restrictions are just temporary solutions, but having two educated, adoptive, and well-informed parents will probably find ways to maneuver around today’s endless problems. Why marriages dissolve is also another topic of its own.
I really do not want to further discuss the articles you have inserted into this thread. I’m sure that if someone wants to discuses those two articles they can directly post their comments in those two threads. Let's return to the OP.
Being a mother is more than being the biological mother of the child. Looking at the Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam) life you will see that he had three different mothers. Amina, who was his biological mother, Halima who was his wet-nurse, and finally, Fatima bint Asad who was his foster-mother.
May Allah grant you children and a righteous man with a beautiful character. Ameen.
Wa Alaykum Assalaam,
I didn't realise I had taken the thread off-topic, so apologies for that. Just to comment on one point:
The article explains this: 'Did you know that a person achieves with their intentions far more than he or she may achieve with their actions? So if a Muslim woman intends to be a mother and raise righteous children, or she wants to be a wife who supports her husband and protect his honour and his wealth – but for some reason she is unable to get married, then she will receive the reward for achieving what she sincerely intended even if it doesn’t materialise.'I’m not married nor do not have kids, so why should I waste time and effort intending to do something Allah controls, especially, when I’m currently undertaking realistic, practical, and reasonable actions which are in the process of materializing?
“Any woman who dies while her husband is pleased with her, she will enter Jannah.” (At-Tirmidhi)
So, that's a way to Jannah
My honest opinion, I think that if the guy has a well-paying job and there's no desperate need for money, then the wife should chill and not bother or stress herself out with work and instead focus on her hobbies, her husband, her kids, and her house.
Most of the time, we women have it going easy
Ive actually been playing with the thought of adoption for some time now.
Insha Allah soon, when I can get my life back in order.......
I would really love to be a mother, insha Allah, and although there is something very special between the bond between a mother and her biological child.....just to have the ability to share my life, love and deen with, would be a blessing in itself.
There are soo many children in need of a loving, stable home - and more importantly, one that can raise him/ her in an Islamic enviroment, we should all be considering this if we have the means.
The hadith that you have quoted above about caring for ophans, is beautiful.
JazakAllah for reminding us.
You know I was at a Graduation Ceremony recently and guest of honour or whatever you call them was this former minister. So in she went and began a 20 min long rant about women aspiring to do this and women aspiring to do that, there's no doubting they should and no one should come in their way, but more and more people need a slapping because they make it sound like (if not directly) being a mother and a wife is bad thing.
At the of the former minister's speech most of the guys were angry, I was too, why the hell did she have to start her rant about her struggles to get equal attention on our happy day?
You are asking for women to pursue careers, again fine, but why aren't you going out of your way to encourage them to married life and motherhood.
It's the fricking problem with the world now, being a mother/wife isn't as respected as it should be.
Last edited by kingkong; 04-05-2012 at 08:29 AM.
A woman can be good wife or bad wife, can be good mother or bad mother not because her profession, but because her mentality.
No one here urge women to pursue career and disrespect wifehood and motherhood. The purpose of this thread is to motivate women who cannot get married to not lose their confidence. Those women cannot get married not because they did not want to get married, but because the men did not want to marry them.
It's better if we encourage the men to not shallow when they are looking for a wife.