Thank you for taking the time for me, first of all! Please don't think I am bad, I have a kind heart; just a lot of bad tragic has happened to me.
So a small back ground to my story... I was sexually assaulted at a young age, never seek counseling; but now I am in ballet class occupational therapy. I am 22 now, and getting an education.
When I was 19 to about 21 I was with a man with the intentions of marriage; he lied to me and only wanted one thing out of me... he knew I was vulnerable and still hurt from the rape. He manipulated me, and after a year of him talking about something horrible; I gave in. (I will just say technically I am still a virgin)
Today, I sit back and I realize what happened I don't remember because I know I didn't want to go through with it... I said "stop" but it didn't work... so I just allowed it because I thought he would marry me, but he left after some couple of months. He cussed at me a lot, and was emotionally abusive to me... he thinks he is not wrong and that is okay with me, I am just trying to fix myself now. Also was not really straight in the head with all the hurt from previous happenings.
Before, I was not religious; after the break I become religious, in a sense it was an eye opener. I have repented, I know my wrongs and I ask Allah to forgive me. But this is were I am driving myself to insanity. I think I am a very bad muslimah, I think I don't deserve to be called that, I believe no man would marry me... and I always think of what I have done, what I allowed to happen. I am going crazy!!!! I can't get it out of my head. I am ashamed.
I feel like no man deserve to be with a women like me, even though I am nice and sweet and I see a good girl; I also see a bad due to my past... so I think he deserves better. I feel like a horrible person. I am sad I feel this way.. I am always sad that I didn't fight back, that I didn't get out of the situation until it was too late and now I regret it, and the regret is eating me up and I feel like it will kill me one day.
I don't know what to do, becuase I think I am one day just going to end up in a mental ward if I don't see a man's perceptive or a new out look.
I don't know how to forgive myself , I don't see the good in me anymore, I don't see any innocence, I don't see how any man would ask for my hand. UGH I need someone help.
Jazak Allah Khair for your time and help... May Allah always bless you and protect you