Anas ibn Malik narrates, "I saw the Prophet (salla Allahu 'alaihi wa sallam), making for her (Safiya) a kind of cushion with his cloak behind him (on his camel). He then sat beside his camel and put his knee for Safiya to put her foot on, in order to ride (on the camel)."
[Sahih Al-Bukhari]

Chapter 2:





'The Earnestness of Love' Marriage and Family Life

"O Mankind, be conscious of your duty to your Lord, who created you from a single soul, created of like nature his mate and from the two created and spread many men and women, and be mindful of your duty to Allah whose name you appeal to one another and to (the ties of) the womb. Verily, Allah watches over you." (An-nisaa' 4:1)







The Status of Family in Islam

1. Family Life: Basic Principles

1. Know that the family system is a divinely inspired institution- we learn this from the Qur'ân and Sunnah. Allah (SWT) called marriage mithaaqul ghaleelah- a strong covenant (and dangerous, because when you commit in marriage it's a very serious covenant). The regulations, etc. are all mentioned in the Qur'ân (like care of children and breastfeeding the baby, etc)

2. Social contract- it's not enough just to come together and have children w/out marriage. That does not form a family, it forms a herd. It won't contribute very well to the society. This goes beyond two contracting parties. If the men and women have children, people become mothers and fathers in-law, etc. just because of the formation of two people coming together in marriage. It's necessary to know how much they need to be responsible for the women, especially when there is a social need for the man to marry more than one wife.

3. Faith and Family (Righteousness)- Faithful people should be considered first. Faith matters in the inheritance law (because non-Muslims do not get the inheritance). Apostasy would cancel marriage as well.

4. Forbidding all forms of sexual relations outside of marriage- it was all very well planned out with good organization and regulation for this matter. Muslims believe it will qualify people to play their roles in society. Forbidding free mixing is logical because free mixing leads to unlawful relationships and marriages without blessing.









2. Structures and Rules

Structure:

1. First fold: this includes the people who are the closest to you such as the husband and the wife, their children, their parents if they live with them, and servants or slaves.

2. Central fold: this includes close relatives that have special claims upon each other and who move freely inside the family. These are those for whom marriage is forbidden, and hijaab is not required. (father in law, mother in law, etc.)

3. Simple fold: nursed kids

3. Outer fold: this includes the real extended family- paternal aunts, etc. nieces and nephews, etc., brother-in-laws

4. Collateral relatives- al hawaashi- the distant fold- your cousins and their children, (they get farther and farther away from you)

Rules: initiated through marriage and ends with divorce

The position of the man and woman- we believe that they were created different for their own unique roles.







Position of the man:

1) Overall supervision

2) The eldest male in extended family usually has the leadership role (because they get older and wiser and more appreciated.)

3) A mans major responsibility usually lies outside of the family. He has to make relationships with other families and so on (like the discipline of the family.)







Position of the woman:

1) The major responsibility is w/in the family itself.

2) The eldest woman is the center of family social organization. For example, if people want to get married, who gives the final word? The mother, or father? The mother...

3) She takes care of the social organization. With her age grows her value.

We are discussing even rights/responsibilities not equal rights/responsibilities.







3. Love, Marriage and Family Life

It is important to base marriage on love to have a very stable family life, but it doesn't mean a family can't be established without love. A family life needs a marriage. The role of love is to create emotionally stable beings for the family... the children will feel protected if their parents care for one another. Marriage is the only legal way to express love to a loved one.







4. The Family and Society

The family is very important in keeping the ummah together. Muslims always observe that the family should be based on deen. If a Muslim understands the role of the family in this community, then he'd understand how to be one step closer to the khilaafa. Islamic law came to protect the structure of the family.









The Structure of Family Law





1. Family law: The definition

The ahkaam (the rulings) of Fiqh that regulate the relationships with a man and his family starting with marriage and ending with a distribution of assets and inheritance.







2. The characteristics of Islamic law

a. Nobility of The Goal and The End: Man-made rules are called "the donkey of the authority." The Arabs (as most people) use the rules to suit them (they change them as they go,) but divine law is always fixed and firm. You cannot choose the laws of marriage (gay marriages are not to be accepted in Islam). Human beings should reform themselves in according to the law of Allah and not vice versa.

b. The Divine Inspiration: Allah inspired the Islamic law- doesn't He know His Creation? He knows what is the best for us, and when we talk about family law, it is a divine law, not something made by humans.

c. The Application of These Laws is an Act of Worship: when you believe what you are doing is right because Allah made it halâl for you, you will be rewarded for it.

d. Generalization and Comprehension of Laws- even family laws will regulate the relationships you have with everyone









3. The areas covered by Islamic family law:

- Marriage and its rulings

Anything related to marriage- the contract, dowry, etc. this class is all about this

- Separation forms and its rulings

Divorce, death, layaan- a man or woman accuses their wife/husband adultery w/o witnesses, they invoke the curse of Allah upon their spouse, khuluq

- Child Rights and its rulings

Child custody, children born outside wedlock

- Inheritance Law and its rulings

You can't excel the laws until someone dies~







History of Marriage

1. Marriage: the definition

In the past, the definition of marriage was agreed upon by all mankind. During the 21st century, they discussed it and they came up with:

1. a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife (don't acknowledge polygamy)

2. a set of cultural rules for bringing man and woman together to make a family unit

3. an ancient practice of taking a life time companion or long-term sexual and social partner

4. a civil contract between a man and a woman (nothing to do w/religion)

5. a man a woman legally living together as husband and wife

6. a legally recognized and/or socially approved arrangement between two or more individuals that carries certain rights and regulations and involves sexual activities

7. the only union that cannot be organized

8. agreement where man loses his bachelors and woman gets her masters

9. king and queen of same suit

10. what you really need after you no longer need personal freedom











2. The first marriage "Adam and Eve"

Marriage was first established when Allah created Adam and Hawa. He declared this marriage by saying, "uzkoon (live) in a jannah, you and your zawj (spouse)." He called Hawa the spouse of Adam, so it was acknowledged from the beginning of creation. Allah often refers to this relation as "Adam and his zawj." We don't know any of the details of this marriage. Allahu 'alam what happened at the party. Did they have intimate relations in Jannah (we do not know), because it's a common thing… but some say that they didn't because they didn't know of their private parts until after he ate from the tree (using the following ayah as proof: "the shaitaan whispered suggestions in order to reveal their shame that was hidden from them,") so when they ate from the tree, they realized the existence of their (bodies) and they covered themselves. Then Allah gave them the order on earth to establish a society. (Surah 'Araaf 7:20-27) The oldest family is Adam's, and his wife Hawaa's. This practice was handed down after Adam alayhi salaam too, but the marriage contracts all depended on culture, society, messages from Prophets, etc.











3. Marriage before Islam

- Marriage in ancient history

From the Firaun, we learn the constitution of Egyptians. Egyptians had marriage contracts, something like a dower, and they also had an inheritance law, etc. In Mesopotamia, from the rules of Hamaraabi, they had their own regulations. Not like Islamic laws, but their own, and so they did have some laws. Most had biases against men in their contracts of marriage.









- Marriage in other religions

Judaism: The marriage contract of Jews is almost the same as that of the Muslims, and they even call it nearly the same thing: "kitaab" and "kitbah." Allah (s.w.t.) says in the Qur'an "kitaabul? 'ajaala" in Surah Baqara. Their belief in guardians, witnesses, dower, and legal obligations are almost the same. It's pretty similar to the Islamic contract. The Jewish tradition is similar in that they call it a way of life, they have everything organized, they have etiquettes for all things.

Christianity: Musa (alayhi salaam) brought down laws but Isa alayhi salaam did not bring down things like regulations. Christian marriages suffered because of this. They followed the Jewish ways, and they couldn't think of anything except that it be done in the Church. The rules were sometimes v. strict (no divorce, no dowry, concept of family was not really emphasized.) Most Christian countries now have a city marriage, so they go do their wedding there and then they go to the church to get blessings (not to perform religious marriages.) Christians didn't have these etiquettes, but in Islam, we do.









- Marriage in the Arab Culture

A'isha (ra) mentioned the different types of marriage contracts.

Most of these look like zina. The most popular one was similar to the current Islamic one (the man proposes, the families discuss, accept, come together and issue a contract.)

In Arab traditions, people would exchange their daughters for one another, and in Islam that is haram. Al-Shigaar

Some had zina in groups~ the woman would just pick the father and that was legal. They would do group intercourse, after she gave birth, they'd call people who knew genealogy, and he'd pick the father. These are all forbidden in Islam today.

Hadith un nisaa~ the one of the 11 women who all speak of the manners of their husband. And Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would say at the end, would you like me to be like Abu Zarr to Umm Zarr? She would reply, "Yes."









4. Polygamy or Monogamy?

Most of us were brought up in a system of monogamy. Because of this, we have inherited a prejiduce against plural wives. In many western depictions of Arab men, the westerners show the man. such as the butcher, (this is the Egyptian culture) who is married to many women. That is the typical stereotype given to polygamists~ that they are only people who are after their lusts and desires, but that is not true.







Definition:

Polygamy: the condition or practice of having more than one spouse at one time (plural marriage); it includes a man married to more than one wife or a woman married to more than one husband

Polygyny: condition or practice of having more than one wife (not husbands) at one time

Polyandry: the condition or practice of having more than one husband at more one time

Polygyny is what is practiced in Islam. Is it practiced by other religions? In Judaism, it has been practiced for thousands of years, and until the past century, it was also practiced in Europe. It's permissible in the book of the Christians (because Dawud alayhi salaam had 100+ wives and Sulaiman alayhi salaam had 1,000+ in the Bible.) Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said one time, he'd (Dawud) have a relation with one hundred women to get a child and because he did not say "InshaAllah," he didn't get anything (exc. maybe one miscarriage from one wife). Allahu 'alam if it's practiced today with them. In Christianity, there is no mention of this in the Bible (New Testament.) The only church that does practice polygyny is the Mormons, and they go up to 9 wives. Recently, there was a case in court concerning a Mormon man married to 5 women and all five of his wives were forced away from him. Each and everyone of them wanted to stay with him.

Article ?, Section III, of the Constitution states that: there should be religious toleration and polygamy is forbidden and forever prohibited.

The Protestant/followers of the religion in the time of Martin Luther showed tolerance to plural marriages maybe because of the social/political factors of his church and they wanted to expand the church quickly.

If Adam (alayhi salaam) had only one wife, is the default for marriage to practice monogamy or polygyny? By practice, the default is one, but for other factors, polygyny is allowed. There is an argument among the scholars bout this default. The principle of tawheed~ marrying one.











5. Heterosexuality or Homosexuality?

The default is attraction to the opposite sex. Anything other than that is abnormal. For many generations after Adam (alayhi salaam) people lived practicing heterosexuality. The first time it was known was maybe 5,000-6,000 years ago at the time of Lut (alayhi salaam.) h was the contemporary of Ibrahim (alayhi salaam.) Allah mentions this clearly in the Qur'an. Allah says in Surah'Araf, 80-84 "And (We sent) Lut when he said to his people: What! do you commit an indecency which any one in the world has not done before you? Most surely you come to males in lust besides females; nay you are an extravagant people. And the answer of his people was no other than that they said: Turn them out of your town, surely they are a people who seek to purify (themselves). So We delivered him and his followers, except his wife; she was of those who remained behind. And We rained upon them a rain; consider then what was the end of the guilty..." People practiced this in China, too. The marriages would last a long time, and at the end, the older partner would help younger partner find a woman to help him settle down. It was also practiced in Africa. In Europe, it was close to the same practice as in China, and they made a legal marriage contract. A few countries that acknowledged this is Holland, the Netherlands, Belgium, Canadian provinces (Ontario, British Columbia), in the U.S. it's still under debate.

The problem with this type of contract is that it lacks the legal rights and obligations... do they have the same rights as husband and wives, are they allowed to adopt children? (As in the example of a court case recently where two men adopted a girl.)











Islam and Marriage

The Messenger of Allah salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam said: "... and I marry women. Therefore, one who shows disinterest in my Sunnah is not from (my true followers)."

When a group of people asked the wives of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) about how he was, one person vowed he'd fast his whole life, one vowed that he would spend his whole nights in ibaadah, and one said he wouldn't get married. Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) got upset, because he's the role model and these people thought they were doing a better thing than he. SubhanAllah, the Prophet would fasts, break his fast, pray and sleep, and he married women (as in hadith above.)







1. The legal definition of marriage

Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman; which allows both to enjoy the person of one another, their cooperation, and (it) decides the rights of each and their obligations.

Marriage is a contract that results in the two parties enjoying each other in the manners and laws of the shari'ah.

Muhammad Abu Zahra, who was the author of a book on Islamic family law, stated that marriage is: that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them of rights and obligations."


Ibn 'Uthaimeen's definition: " It is a mutual contract between a man and a woman whose goal is for each to enjoy one another, become a pious family and a sound society."

The two words used in Arabic are "zawaaj" and "nikaah." The one used in the Qur'an is nikaah, and it has two meanings 1) the physical relationship between a man and a woman (intercourse), and 2) contract of marriage which makes the relationship lawful for them.







2. Preserving the 'Five Necessitates'- ad darawaat al khams (Anything in Islamic law came down to protect

a. faith: as shahaada, not to assimilate with non-Muslims; haraamaa: prohibited and capital punishment for apostacy (ar ridaa)

b. life: blood (ad damm)- prohibits killing/murder and physical abuse to anybody; also to make life prosperous for people; love

c. intellect: al 'aql- prohibiting the consumption of intoxicants

d. progeny: al nassal ad duriyya- marriage was prescribed and zina prohibited

e. wealth: money- prohibits abuse of money (wasting it), earning it from haraam resources (interest) and prescribes zakaah









3. The purpose of Marriage

Unfortunately when most of us get married, people don't know too much about marriage... Umar bin Khattaab would go to the market place and he'd throw people out if they didn't know what the meaning of different things were (Islamic law)... he'd make them go to the masjid first. That's dealing with money, what about dealing with other people, like our family, etc? It's more dangerous. So, people need to learn why they're getting married before they do get married.





1. Seeking the pleasure of Rasulullah (salAllahu alayhi wassalam)- because he was the one who would boast about the size of his ummah on the Day of Judgment; on the DOJ, he'll see a crowd coming, and he'll be happy and it'll be the ummah of Musa, then he'll see a larger crowd, (his) and he'll be very happy for it.

2. Pleasure- because Islam is the deen of the fitrah (nature); men have inclination towards women and women towards men and Islam came to satisfy both desires; Allah "it was adorned for men the love of this world such as women...." and by doing so, we fulfill that peace that Allah has promised us with. Some scholars ask why did Allah create Eve from the rib of Adam? That's why that rib will always be shaky and unstable until it gets back to its origin... something is always missing until you meet the other part. (The man represents the whole body, while the woman only represents one rib. In size the comparison is vast, but in strength and purpose/status/importance, they are equal.)

3. Children- people today are not ready for these things... they only do these things for pleasure, and they see children as a burden, and relieve their frustrations out on them. Allah calls children zeenatul hayaatad duniya (decoration and adornment of this life for the believers.)

4. Seeking the intercession from the righteous child- if a righteous child is left behind after one dies, then they will ask for your intercession and Allah will relieve your punishment for you, they will even intercede for you on teh DOJ. If Allah blesses you with three girls, and you take care of them and raise them in a modest way, Allah will screen you from Jahanum because of them

5. Protection- helps protect your gaze and from az-zinaa (do this before marriage too!)

6. To free some time in your life without the responsibilities of this life- how do you get more time? If you are responsible right now for things inside and out the house... then, you'll have some of that relieved. and by distributing these jobs, you'll find more peace in and out the house.

7. Mujahaadatun nafs- beating the hardships of bringing up a righteous family; you as a husband need to be patient with the wife/children/work until you die; you as the wife need to be patient with being involved with a man who might be so nice but sometimes so harsh, taking care of children, sometimes it's almost impossible, avoid haram









Disadvantages of marriage:

1. inability to maintain the rights and responsibilities of the spouse: some men go out and because they fail in their jobs, etc. they're stressed out, and the man may explode, etc. or a woman maybe can't take care of her husband too well

2. distraction from ibaadah: not being able to go to taraweeh because of children; but it is possible, you can do these things at home (for both men and women)

3. being unable to support the family in a lawful way so they create excuses to earn money the haraam way: working in a bank, getting loans to buy houses, etc.









4. The ruling of Marriage

1. Fard: if a person feels certain that he will commit sin if they do not marry and they are financially capable of marriage, they MUST get married (even the eye can do zina~ you shouldn't watch or look at things either!);

2. Wâjib *obligatory*- if a person has the ability to marry and treat his wife properly and fears strong probablilty that he will engaged in unlawful acts if he doesn't this is wajib on him

3. Haram: if the person doesn't have the financial/physical means to marry and is certain he cannot treat his wife properly, then it becomes haram on him

4. Makruh: if a person has the means to marry (financially/physically) but feels strongly he cannot treat his wife properly, then it is makruh (ex: a person who travels a lot, or someone who only comes home once in a while)

5. Mustahab: if a person has the means to marry, and has no fear of mistreating his wife or committing unlawful things, then it is mustahab, even if he doesn't marry he doesn't have the fear of committing haram (he has the religious belief and taqwa)

What would the ruling be according to the Dhaahiree madhab? Because of ibn hazm... wajib because Allah says: marry (ankihu) if you have the financial ability, get married even if you feel you may mistreat your wife, you still must (Nur: 32-33)









For the WOMEN: same as for women ....

5. Marriage as an act of worship

Is marriage and act of worship or not?

Shafi- says it's not, and that its a contract (act of the duniya)

Majority- say it is an act of worship~ because Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) even said when you satisfy yourself, it's charity, and that is an act of; Allah made man khalifa on earth (Surah Baqarah)

Some scholars didn't get married because they kept saying later and the later never came, b/c of their passion of knowledge, they had female slaves, meaning they didn't have to get married, but they could practice the act of marriage, and to slaves, the same responsibilities don't go.









6. The different categories of marriage

The definition of legal marriage: Marriage is a contract between a man and a woman, which allows both to enjoy the person of one another. It is their cooperation and understanding of the rights of each other and their obligations."

Chapter 3:





'In the Pursuit of Virtue: The Rules of Betrothal

In Islam, selecting the spouse is very important. People date, find matrimonials, etc. That's the khitbah system (promise of proposal/of marriage in the future).





"There is no blame on you if ye make an offer of betrothal or hold it in your hearts." Al Baqarah 2:235







Sometimes you may feel affection for someone. It could be someone in your community, or really anyone. These feelings are natural and you cannot suppress or deny them. How you act on them is what will be accounted for. Allah says to propose if you want to make something of it, or keep it in your heart until a better time.








Engagement and Proposal








1. Definition of the legal engagement

Proposal: (according to the Islamic law)- expressing ones desire to marry a specific woman by informing her wali, whether expressed directly or by his representative.





Khitbah- betrothal- a process starting with the proposal (sometimes direct, sometimes in the heart.) If he is sincere and serious about her, he has the right to look at her, like Jaabir did. Muhammadd bin Maslama also looked at a woman while she was working in the field, his friend asked him how he could do such a thing while he was a companion of the Prophet. He said, "I heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) saying if Allah gives this to you, and you want to propose, you should look." If you know she's not engaged or not interested in engagement with someone else, and you are satisfied with what you see, then propose.

Is a woman proposing to a man a khitbah? Not technically, because even if she likes him, the proposal always comes from the man, but it could be initiated by the woman. A man can marry a woman through a direct approach or by asking through her wali.





2. Legal status of the engagement

In his tafsir, Ibn Kathir said that Allah explains that the khitbah (proposal) in Surah Baqarah: aya 235. A woman in her iddah can still be proposed to (not directly) but in a subtle way.

Al Mugheerah bin Shuba came to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and he told him that he had proposed to a woman to get married to her, so the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked, "Did you see her?" He replied, "no." The Prophet asked him why he hadn't looked at her. Then he told him to look at her because "It's strong possibility it will last longer between the two of you."

The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "If someone gives a betrothal (wants to propose), if he could go and see from her what will encourage him to marry her, then he should do it." Jaabir gave us the interpretation: so I proposed to a woman from Bani Salamah and I used to hide from her (behind trees/houses) to see her until he was satisfied to get married to her. He did this after he proposed to her, not while he was merely thinking of it.











3. The wisdom behind the engagement





1. To get familiarly acquainted with the person you are proposing to- the couple can speak so long as they are under supervision. If there was no supervision, then they'd go on like Romeo and Juliet . The two can discuss rationality, something serious, or whatever as long as it's under supervision.

2. Second hand info can be illusive- to get first-hand or clear-cut judgment of the prospective spouse is the best. When 'Amr bin al'Aas was in the Battle of Qaadisiyya, he sent many delegations to talk to the other armies. Then, he himself dressed up as his own envoy to go speak to the leader of the other army. Everyone wanted to hear him, and even the opposing army leader said if this is not the ameer and he's so strong, I want to kill him.

3. To get an idea of physical appearance and attraction- some people make it difficult on themselves, so when the man wants to see the lady, she keeps looking down, or then the guy is shy. However, this is the time they can look freely and legally. This is to see if they can get attracted to one another. In the past, old women would sometimes bring nuts and ask the proposing woman to break the nuts (to test her teeth )













4. The categories of the engagement







1. Explicit- using the word khitbah directly, as in, "we would like to propose," or you mention their name

2. Elicit- you show interest and not propose directly. This apeopleies especially in the case of a widow or a woman in her final iddah period. One can indirectly propose by sending chocolates or offering their services. Allah made it lawful specifically for the widow and a woman in her final divorce, because after the death of her husband, the woman may feel insecure and scared. However, by letting them know, at least you are securing them somewhat about their futures.

Some people, like Ibn 'Abaas say that one can say, "I would like a righteous wife, etc" without saying "you."















5. The effect of the engagement







-Is it considered a marriage contract?

No it's just a promise of marriage, so it doesn't carry the legality of the marriage contract. In this status, the two parties are:





1. Still non-mahram- they cannot sit alone, etc.

2. Not allowed for both parties to see what is unlawful for them- the woman must still observe full hijab

3. Both can revoke their words- the man or woman can be disinterested and then break off the engagement

4. No one else can propose for her in that time- if he was given the "yes" but asked to wait for a while for the technicalities, even if they haven't fulfilled the agreement with the official contract, no one else can propose for her at that time.

6. Unlawful engagement proposals











- Proposing to a married woman

Some people are very eager, and because of the tendency of them to mix together, people start to like married people! This is strictly HARAM. Being a married woman means that the contract has been done, even though the consummation has not been fulfilled. If both parties are under the contract, they are married, and with the consummation, their bond is even stronger.









- Proposing to a woman in her waiting period

This includes a lady in her final divorce or a widow, because legally she is still considered married or holds that status until that waiting period is over. The waiting period doesn't dissolve the marriage unless it's the final divorce.









- Proposing to a woman over another proposal

If one lady has a proposal from a man, if they say "we'll think about it", then at this point, another proposal is still allowed. But once it has been finalized, then nobody can propose.

What if someone does something like this? Although it is haram, the marriage will be completely acceptable and halal, because the khitbah is just a promise, it's not a contract.


















Conditions of a Prospective Bride







1. To be free from any legal prohibitive

Means that she should not to be of his unmarriageable kin (mahram). In some cultures and societies it is not allowed. Nowadays people do it illegally and they used to have it done legally in the past as well. The old pagan ideology is that the one who plants the field should be able to harvest it, but in Islam it is haram.

2. To be free from any other engagement

Whether she is married or in her waiting period, both fall under this category.


















Characteristics of a Prospective Spouse

1. Desirable Characteristics in a Bride

The following characteristics need to be considered because marriage is beyond the physical characteristics only.

"A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed."

Try to get a religious girl. Some people that think if someone is religious, they should not look for beauty or the pleasure of this life, but rather that the religious person will only be there to fulfill worship, etc. However, along with religion, you should also find in them the other three qualities! Once a religious man found his mom asking him why looks were important if he was religious, and therefore "not interested" in such things. If you think you'll find the suitable match who's completely perfect, then you're dreaming... take out that perfect image. (*It's not fair to over expect from them*)

















What qualities do you look for?:





1. Religion and Good Manners- The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said that she should be of religion and good manners

2. Fertile and Affectionate or Kind-hearted- (an Taquna Waludan Wadudan)- look at her family to find out if she's fertile or not

3. Preference of a Maiden- if it's a first-time marriage, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam)'s recommendation to Jaabir was that she be a maiden. He was once with the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) in a military expedition and he saw Jaabir going faster. Jaabir told the Prophet that he had just gotten married, and the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked quietly, "Did you marry a maiden?" Jaabir replied in the negative. He said, "I married a widow." The Prophet asked, "Why didn't you marry a maiden so you could play with her and chase her around the house, etc." When his father died, there were 9 girls he left behind, so he didn't want his wife to be the 10th, he wanted her help with his sisters. With that, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) replied, "JazakAllahu" ("May Allah reward your marriage." and He did

4. To be content- she should not be very involved in the worldly stuff. So long as she has decency and is grateful for all she has, then that is good. If she is not content, she may give him a hard time.

5. Good lineage- seeking a noble descent- some cultures don't mind what lineage the person is, but the thing is, your children will have her parents, your brothers and sisters will be their aunts and uncles. Sometimes marrying non-Muslims does this too, because they share same rights with your children.

6. Beauty- remember words of Ibn Hazm. People define beauty in different ways. What is inferior to you may be superior to another. Here, we mean physical beauty not beauty of the soul.

7. Age- it's preferred for the woman to usually be younger than the man. This is not a commercial quality, because of the example of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and Khadija (radiAllahu anhu.) But, this will help keep their attachment (because women sometimes lose their desire faster.)

8. The easy dowry- khitbatal maher- - in some countries, the issue is such a big deal. It can be kept really simple, because some people get married for a promise only that they go for Hajj. Some get married for a prayer rug, or that they want their spouse to memorize a Surah You don't want to buy them with your maher.







2. Desirable Characteristics in a Groom

The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) also recommended for the wali to look for a religious man.

"If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion, then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord/turmoil on earth and widespread corruption." Ibn Majah

People keep pursuing their education until they graduate, so the girls wait till their PhD first and then they have to wait even longer for their husbands to get their jobs, etc. Then they end up getting married at like 31! If you are thinking of marriage, just do it, or else you'll create a big problem for yourself and your society.

Anybody who insists on fisq (disobedience) should not get married (you shouldn't give a disobedient man to your daughter.) If this person chooses to marry his daughter to a man like this, then he has made an evil decision, and he may cause for himself to cut the ties and bonds of the family because of that.

A man asked Hasan ibn 'Ali, "I have a girl, to whom shall I marry her?" He said, "If you are giving her in marriage, then give her to someone who fears Allah, because if he loves her, he will be so generous to her, but if he hates her, he will not do injustice to her."















3. Importance of Piety and Righteousness

a. In the bride-

b. In the groom-
Selecting a Prospective Spouse











1. Preference of a relative or a non-relative?

In this culture, the preference is of non-relatives. Here, marrying a cousin/relative is a problem, but sometimes it's better to marry someone who is related and sometimes it is not. The Prophet married both.









Relatives- Zainab bint Jasht, who was his first cousin, the daughter of Safiya bint Abdul Muttalib

Non-relatives-

Arabs-

Non-Arabs-

Muslims-

Non-Muslims- Mariyah who was a Christian and Safiyyah, who was a Jew.

One should select their wives carefully, because sometimes due to lineage, there could be hereditary diseases that pass on to the children. It doesn't really have to do with family or relatives, it depends on society in general, but the chances in of these diseases in same-relative marriages MAY be stronger, or maybe not.



















Benefits of marrying relatives:






1. Strengthening permanent ties

2. Better chance to get an early marriage because it's easier for them because they will agree quicker, etc. and trust it more

3. Releases psychological pressure- you already know the family so you don't have to initiate the relationships

4. You confine/keep the wealth of the family inside the family













2. Set up family marriages, is it allowable?





These usually happen among relatives and sometimes with close friends, etc. In some cultures, when people are marrying their cousins, some Arabs say they have the right to ask for their girl cousins even if they were riding the horse to their husbands' houses. That's culture, but Islamically, it is haram.









It is permissible to arrange those types of marriages and there are two forms:





1. Celibate marriage- they perform a contract from the beginning, but they cannot consume the marriage until they reach a responsible age. This is usually done in rural areas because they are not required to finish their education there. If the girl wants, she has the right to ask for the cancellation of marriage even if the marriage has been consummated, and she has had children. The children are still both the parents children.

2. Directly consummated marriage-

3. Engagement by commissioning

If you live in this country and you have relatives elsewhere, and they look for a wife or husband for you, it is permissible. If you give them a description and they find it for you, then it is okay, and it is permissible. They can perform the marriage on your behalf.

















4. Why is dating Haram?

We have this culture of experiencing the love in order to get married because we still have a material understanding of love.









The problem with dating is:

1. It leads to khalwa, because it leads to being in privacy with a non-mahram person

2. If it involves unlawful acts, it is also haram

3. It leads to illusive passions, even in accordance to westerners who are against these marriages (back 60-70 years ago, dating was not common here) because people were more conservative. They know that you aren't attracted to them because of the person, but it's because of the adventure that comes with them.

4. Exhausting their emotions before they get married. Some people date for two or four years or more than five years, and they live together (by law it's called common-law-marriage, they date and have kids, and then they get married.) If you're married you'll always continue to revive those passions.

5. Protecting the progeny and reputation- in some Muslim cultures, it's very important to protect the reputation and honor of the family in order to help protect the progeny as well (Islamically.)

5. Matrimonial services, what is the ruling?

This is allowed as long as it is performed in the correct etiquette (no pictures, names to expose people in public, etc. unless you're speaking to individuals.)















6. The engagement ring

For men: gold is haram, but all other rings are allowed.

For women: gold is allowed.

For both: engagement rings are haram.

Why do people put rings on their ring fingers? It goes back to a religious or a church practice. When a husband came with the ring, they would say in the name of the father, son, and Holy Spirit, and then slip the finger into their "wedding" finger. It is a very bad bid'ah or innovation. According to their custom, putting the ring in the right hand symbolizes engagement, while the left hand symbolizes marriage.
The Procedure of Selecting a Bride

Sometimes a man selects a woman by liking her and then being sincere. If he's neither serious nor sincere, then he shouldn't even go near it! If a man is ready and can do it, then do so, inshaallah.

















1. The role of female family members

Living in the west, this role sometimes becomes difficult. Oftentimes, the mother looks at the girl, and she tells her son, and then they go ahead with it. Ladies find girls in public places, masaajid, through friends, and relatives, etc. Usually when women go to see the bride, they are looking for: physical appearance, because the man is not yet allowed to see her, so she dresses up for them in jewelry and with her hair done, make up, etc.







2. Direct proposal to a female, is it allowable?

If he is interested in her, can he ask her directly? There is no evidence that prohibits that except the general concept of modesty. If this happened, then the agreement would come from the wali, and so that is probably much better (to speak to wali instead.) Allah says. "and do not make a secret contract with them unless you speak to them in an honorable way."
The Procedure of Selecting a Groom









1. The right of the woman to select her prospective husband

Is a woman allowed to tell her father that she likes someone? Yes, she can ask her father to inquire about him, even though culture forbids that. There is nothing Islamically wrong with that, because in the Prophets seerah, a woman came to him and asked for him and he wasn't interested, so another man proposed to her instead and she said okay and he had no dowr so he looked around and when he couldn't find anything, the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) asked, "not even a steal ring?" The man said, "No, I don't have anything except my loin cloth." The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) then asked him how much Qur'an he had memorized, so he said, "This surah, and this surah," and then the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "I marry her to you with the Qur'an that you have memorized."







2. Offering ones female family member to a righteous person

This is when a man goes to propose for his daughter (to another man.) This is encouraged if one is proposing for a relative. The evidence is the example of Hafsa bint Umar bin Khattaab. He first went to Uthman bin 'Afaan, and said, "I have my daughter Hafsa if you're interested" but he wasn't, and so he went to Abu Bakr, but he did not answer. He then received a proposal from the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) for Hafsa and Abu Bakr came back and said, "I heard the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) talking bout proposing to Hafsa, that's why I waited to see if he would propose or else I would have said yes." This shows that you can talk to your friends and fathers and mothers about it, but get advice from people who can give you good advice, not someone with prejudice.

The khalifah of Madinah proposed for the daughter of Sa'eed ibn Musayyib and he said no, so he went to his students?

Imam al Kathani wrote a book called, "Badaa uth Thunaana," a book in the Hanafi madhab. 'Alaa ud deen's wife's name was Fatima. At Tuhfa was a book in the Hanafi madhab as well. Fatima was the daughter of a scholar and she had memorized the Tuhfa. She studied most of his books with her father, and he was so impressed by his student and his daughter was from Shaam, so she was very beautiful, and so he gave his daughter to his student (al Kasaani) and he loved her so much that people said that he put a commentary on his Tuhfah and the dowry was the book. When she died and when she was buried, he visited her every Friday in the evening and he made du'a for her and then he'd go back until he died. He wanted to be buried next to her, and their graves were known as "the grave of the woman and her husband."













3. Direct proposal to a man, is it allowable?

We mentioned that this happened to the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam). Bukhari tells us the story of 'Anas in his Sahih. He had a daughter, and someone asked him if it's okay, 'Anas replied in the affirmative upon which is daughter said, "Oh my! She's modest, how could she do something like that?" He said, "She's better than you, because she had that interest in a man like the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) and that's why she proposed to him." The chapter in which Bukhari tells us of this matter is called "A Woman Proposing Herself For a Righteous Man"
Looking at the Opposite Sex











1. The ruling of lowering ones gaze

Allah says in Surah Nur: 30-31 "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and ... Say to the believing women they should lower their gaze..." Looking at the opposite sex is not allowed unless it is for a legal matter. People should lower their gaze when a person of the opposite sex passes by them. When dealing with affairs, you don't have to look in their eyes or stare at their faces directly, you should do it in a modest way.







The issue of sight came up in Kiblis Iblis by Ibn Jawzee, as well as in every other book by a scholar. Allah knows the betrayal of the eye and what the heart conceals- this is the person that lowers his gaze when someone is passing, but they look when nobody else can see. That is not allowed. Not guarding your sight leads to more haram. Imam Ibn Qayyim said, "It starts like the fire (the huge fires start with a spark) and haram starts with an innocent look." The gaze follows these steps: 1. Nada- the look, 2. Khatra- intentions/motives, 3. Khutwa- a next step or action, or obsession, 4. Lufara- words, or using the tongue. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "I did not leave behind a fitna more dangerous than women for men." A man once asked the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) about the sudden look (accidental haram) and the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "Take your sight away, don't look." (Muslim) 'Ali ibn Taalib said the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said, "Ya 'Ali, don't follow the look with another look, for the first one will be counted for you but the second will be counted against you." Don't even extend the first look.





Why must we still not look when a person is fully covered? What is the point of that? There may be the occurrence of some circumstances that happen beyond our control, like opening door, blowing of the wind, etc. Men should lower their gaze and make it a practice. In a culture like this, people must try extra hard to do so. The Companions of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would guard their gazes to the extreme, in that they would turn their faces, put their heads down, and close their eyes when women passed by so much so that women would think they were blind, and they would say "Au'zu billahi min 'Amr" (blindness.)

What about women? They should lower their gaze and guard their modesty, but this ruling is easier on women than men. We learn this from the hadith of when A'isha looked over at the children playing in the Masjid until she was satisfied. The scholars interpreted this as: men get attracted by sight and get tempted faster than women, and for women, if a man does the same (showing off) they often don't care. A man, on the other hand, will be impressed/moved by any subtle thing that a woman does. lol. That's why our culture uses women to target men, because they know how quick men react to these things. Women look for seriousness, commitment, and they want to be impressed but you don't impress them in the same way.









The benefits of lowering ones gaze can be found in Ibn Qayyim's book. For instance, there is the example of how one should look at or act with scholars. In the Sunnah, we find that the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) gave aside one day a week in which all the women would gather at one house and then he (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) would address them. Sometimes they would ask very private questions. A'isha radi Allahu anhu told us about once when an Ansaari woman (of whom would not feel any bashfulness in the case of deen) kept insisting on asking the Prophet how to clean the blood of her menses. The Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) felt shy, so he replied to her, "SubhanAllah just purify yourself with it." When she kept insisting, A'isha then took her to the side and explained it out to her.

There can be men and women gathered together so long as it is not a free mixing, and it is with full respect and on an equal mental level. We find this in the Sunnah of A'isha (radi Allahu anhu.) A'isha radi Allahu anhu would speak behind a hijaab to the men and sometimes Abu Hurayrah would sit there and tell others to ask their matters to the ladies of the house of Rasulullah. She would even inquire and ask about him to refute his answers if she was praying and she heard him give a wrong answer to others. She was also part of the army that went to Iraq to fight for the blood for






Uthman, and the people followed her. In this sense, it is allowed, but with FULL respect. If the men or women exceed the limits, then new rules come down. Umar bin Khataab said, "When people invent new things for us then we will make new laws for them." For example, in some countries like Saudi, women cannot drive cars and in the time of the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam), women would ride camels by themselves. They made these rules for a reason, and not driving cars is not the prohibition in Islam, however if one transgresses, it becomes necessary to place restrictions on the people.
















2. The 'Awrah' of a non-Mahram man

Awrah has no specific translation except possibly "shame" or "private parts" or the "legal part that needs to be covered."

Majority of the Scholars- believe that the awrah is from the naval to the knees

Malikis and Hanbalis- say that thighs are not part of the awrah

Ibn Taymiyyah- says that thighs are not part of the awrah unless the man is young













3. The 'Awrah' of a non Mahram woman

There is an agreement on all of the body except with a disagreement on the face and hands









4. Awrah of members of the same sex

Majority of the Scholars: navel (waist) to her knees (with Muslim women). This is generally speaking- when there are no other circumstances that nullify it. For instance, if uncovering the awrah can cause fitnah, then it is not permissible, or if a woman is not trustworthy and she'll talk about her beauty etc. then it's also not allowed.







5. Awrah of a Muslim woman in front of non-Muslim woman

In Surah Nur- the word used is "their" women. Some interpret this as meaning "Muslims" while others believe it means women in general. Those that say it implies that a woman can only remove her hijab in front of Muslim women cite the evidence of Umar (radi Allahu anhu) who would prohibit women from going into public bathrooms with non-Muslim women. This is because non-Muslims may go and speak out about them. However, some non-Muslims may be even more trustworthy than Muslim women, so as long as they are trustworthy women, then a woman can remove her hijab in front of them, and if they are NOT trustworthy women, whether Muslim or not, she should not remove her hijaab. However, to be on the safe side, she should just try to cover more just because it's hard to tell who is trustworthy and who is not.









6. Awrah of a male and female Mahram

A woman in front of her Mahrams: this is based on the custom of that culture. As the ayah says, "show their zeena." Usually, women put zeena on their feet, wrists, neck, ears, etc. and nowadays it's also the bellybutton- so no, they cannot show their zeena. Women are allowed to cover anywhere below their knees, and show up to elbows, as well as the neck in front of her Mahram's. If it causes fitnah, then she still must cover it. In general, modesty should be applied but in regular times, a woman should be more protective of her awrah. Some customs allow showing up to shoulders, but it is not recommended because the Prophet (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) said once kids reach the age of about 10, then they have to use different blankets to sleep under (they cannot sleep in the same area), and therefore, they probably have to cover the area of their shoulders as well.









7. Awrah in front of children

When children reach the age of puberty, then full hijab is absolutely necessary. It is not needed for those children that cannot tell the difference between men and women. When they start to recognize the characteristics, even if they are 5 years old, and are underage, then it's okay to just keep the same awrah like the one between women and women. The way to tell that they recognize the awrah is when they make jokes, etc.







8. Exemptions?

Ulul Irbah- are those who have no ability to have desire or cannot tell the difference between men and women. A'isha had one of these people, and he was sitting with A'isha. The Prophet came in and asked who he was, upon which he was explaining a woman of Taa'if, saying "When she goes, she does this, and when she comes back, she does that," so he told A'isha that she cannot uncover herself in front of him anymore.
The Rulings of Hijab







"O Prophet! Tell they wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons (when abroad): that is most convenient, that they should be known (as such) and not molested. And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Al Ahzab 33:59)

Surah Nur: 30-31 also entail the details of hijaab



















1. Hijab: The definition

Hijab: a collection of legal rulings and etiquette's which regulate the relationship between man and woman who are not related to each other.

Most people think that it means to cover the zeena and the flesh. The actual meaning is not limited to the physical covering of the body. Some resources say that the hijaab is covering the body in front of non-Mahram people, however it is more than just covering face, hands, etc. So many women wear the scarf but they are not really muhajjabaat- they don't even pray, or fast, or they may violate many of the rules of Hijab.













2. Hijab: Islamic or religious injunction?

It is a religious practice, and it's not only an Islamic practice. In the Jewish custom/tradition, the women used to practi