Chapter 7:

'The Languages of Love'

Maintaining Love and Marital Life

"We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love."

some men work hard to express their love and when the women complain, then the men say it's all for you; and then the wives do the same and maintain and keep the house, and she says she is doing it all for her

what's the problem at home?

Love after the Wedding

1. Does marriage kill love? stastics in the US say yes because 48% of the marriages end up in divorce; and there is a 62% of divorce in the second marriage, and in the third, it's 75-78%- it gets less as you go up; marriage should not cause love to fade; if they enjoy the pleasure that Allah made lawful for them, then it should increase the love between them; those who commit haram before marriage will fight each other on the DOJ and part of this will take place in the duniya as well

2. Communicating love to your partner:

3. Rationalizing love in marital life: the first look which kindles the heart, and you fall in love, they think that that is it, and that is the person- they rationalize that this person is different, and this is just illusive, so love needs to be rationalized; just like the love tank and checking accounts- if you keep demanding, it will cause a bankruptcy in the end; it's not just announced, it's and action, too; so show it through your actions, be kind and give gifts, write letters, express your feelings, and communicate love

Understanding the Differences

1. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus- people from mars have power, achievement, etc as their values, so men often like car magazines, etc, while women like other types of magazines

on Mars there are factories and offices; on Venus, there are parks, cafes, etc.

women like to fulfill their social desire, and men should get down and dig too!

2. Understanding the different values

men often like power, authority, achievement, speed, they fulfill their desires to grow, therefore men don't usually like to be criticized for what they do, because they think they can do it all by themselves; to complete each other not to compete

women like to grow and develop, and they are not selfish like men they like everyone to grow with them, she says why don't you ask a plumber

3. Crisis approach, and coping with stress

men like to withdraw, because that's their nature; they put themselves in bigger problems (so theirs look smaller); when a man needs space he goes to his cave, if you try to go after him, the dragon will burn you (his rude manners), if you try to violate his space, he will fire you, just leave him and he'll feel satisfied, but some women have to chase; she feels he's hiding something or he doesn't love her

women like to talk; she's complaining to the husband and since he solves problems, he offers solutions, like quit, she just wants to express herself, and relieve herself so that someone understands her, she doesn't want to quit, she just needs to resolve the things; and he tries to help clean, but she finds it insulting, she doesn't want him to do it, just to listen; women like to go out to speak; she doesn't need answers, but she just wants them to listen, unless she wants a solution

4. The motivation power

men's motivation is to see someone who needs their help; he gives if she shows she needs him, and he will feel confident that he's doing something for her; when some women are independent, they go to the bar or to someone who is desperate because he thinks she needs him; he becomes disfunctional when they act independent

women usually give because they care, and they don't give until they feel confident; they have emotional instability and when they get emotional security then they start giving immediately, and financial security isn't exactly the same satisfaction; if she's not emotionally secure, she will never give.. how?

5. Expressing feelings through different languages

sometimes men and women have different cycles of intimacy; the men work like a rubber band, when they are so close they become lose, they need more momentum so they stretch really far till there is no more space (it may need time) and then when they withdraw, they will come back fast, and then they keep following him, because he never gets strong enough to come back to her, so he needs his space

and women are lik waves- they go up and down, it can't go up unless she cleans her emotional dept. when he doesnt' understand, then she keeps it inside, and he causes her stress, and then she may not be able to go up, and maybe not too high, she needs a hug and a sincere understanding from the husband

6. Our emotional differences

Different Languages of Love

1. Words of affirmation: if the husband or wife does something good, then tell them it's wonderful; the trash can, if you take out the trash w/o saying anything, as the wife, you say Jazak Allah khair, you cannot imagine what that means for them; if you see the house clean, and you find it clean, say Jazak Allah khair they show that you support each other; don't belittle these words (they keep them to religious things- like Fajr); and if they do something wrong, don't do something completely negative

2. Quality Time: she may not speak language of affirmation, it may not be her primary language; she's looking for quality time; it depends on how much you focus and care for her; if she's stressed and while her husbands on the computer she says i want to talk to you, and he says okay, i'm listening, she doesnt need solutions, just for him to listen to her, she looks at him and hates him she wants him to say tell me more subhanAllah it was that bad; she needs him mentally not physically; why men do not listen and why women cannot read maps, naturally they're pursuing their values; 5 sincere minutes is just better than hours of insincerity

if a man needs quality time, and she keeps looking around in the backyard, then he doesn't feel the same way

3. Receiving gifts:

the value of the appreciation is far greater than the value of the gift; when it's with full sincerity, it means a lot, like a blender or a briefcase

4. Acts of service:

if she sees a cup of coffee coming from your hand, meaning he's giving it to her; and he takes the opportunity to clean the kitchen when she leaves for a little bit; and the woman then cleans up everything, he feels great then

5. Physical contact

like a'isha with her cheek on the cheek of Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam); sometimes the husband doesn't need jazakAllahu khair, he needs a hug and a kiss, or a touch; most men like this language more than women

A Final Advice

How to win the heart of your wife?

1. exchange gifts, in exchange

2. give quailty time, with full attention, even if you've heard it many times before

3. exchange looks of admiration- use eye language, and give her a smile, even the tonation of the voice, use poetry, too, like "a gaaru alayki..." "i feel jealous about you from my own eyes, from myself, from you from the time and place you are occupied, and even if i hide you under my eye lids till the day of judgment, it won't be sufficient for me"

4. make a farewell before you leave and when you come back everyday, "the red roses committed suicide because of you and then splashed their red colors on your cheeks" "even if she spits into the ocean while the ocean is salty, it will become fresh"

5. try to work things together, if you see your wife working at home, give her a hand, and give her that quality time she's looking for, try to see if you can help them, and you can play to build intimacy- validity is disputable- once Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wassalam) was fixing his shoes, and she lookeda t him w/admiration and he started sweating, and a'isha was surprised that your sweat is shining on your forehead, you deserve the poetry... what did he say, she said he said such and such and he kissed her for that, and i am so pleased w/you the way you are pleased with me

6. going out together, take the kids or not, exercise with her, and he walked with the whole army, and he let them all go to the front and then she raced with him and she won and she was happy and years later, he did the same thing, and this time after she had gained weight they raced and he won, and he said see, one by one

just do your best