If you get any of these you are probably a colossal nerd.

1. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are locked into separate rooms with just a tin can in each of the rooms and given three hours to get it open by any means necessary, for therein is the key.

First out's the engineer, who, when asked how he did it, said that it was fairly easy - he just beat the can against a wall until it reached its failure point, split, and allowed him to ferret out the key.

Second's the physicist, who, when asked how he did it, said he studied the can and analysed it from all directions. Then he simply applied the right force in the right place and the lid flew off, and he was done.

But after three hours, the mathematician's still in there, so the other two go to check on him to see if he's okay. Which, thankfully, he is, but he's just staring at the can and chanting at it, "Assume the can is open... assume the can is open..."

2. Acetic Acid and Muriatic Acid meet in a bar and start talking and Muriatic Acid asks Acetic Acid if they should go to this new club that's just opened in town.

"I'd best not," says Acetic, "I'm fairly weak and I'm a bit worried about getting into fights."

"Don't worry," says Muriatic, "I'll protect you, I'm one of the five strong acids, so just stick with me if it all kicks off."

So off they trot and get in no problem and Acetic and Muriatic are having a whale of a time until Sodium Hydroxide stomps through the door.

"Ulp," says Muriatic Acid as Sodium Hydroxide notices him and they begin to react violently, while Acetic Acid and the others hide under tables and in the toilets and things. When it's all over, Acetic Acid comes out and asks one of the club's staff to contact the police.

"No point," says the staffer, "it's just water passing under the bridge now... ancient history. They'll not do anything."

"Just water???" says Acetic, pointing at the remains of Muriatic and Sodium Hydroxide. "But... that was assault!"

3. A neutron walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "For you, sir, no charge."

4. Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street when one says to the other, "You know, I feel funny. I think I've lost an electron."

"You sure?" says the other.

"Absolutely, I'm positive!"

Pheooo!!!
Quite scientific!

lol! I felt like in school again.......

ok i kinda understood the last 1, the first one i didnt understand the rest i didnt bother reading lol got a headache

Only got 3 and 4

lol i ony got the first and last ones
Thanks for shring

Salamualikum.
Same as Adeel! What a piety!
Ma'assalama

lol.. cute!

Well, the first one is a pun on stereotypes of academics in those fields.

And the second one is something that's amusing if you know that

HCl + NaOH => NaCl + H2O

or, in layman's terms, hydrochloric (muriatic) acid + sodium hydroxide => water + common salt.

Here's a civil engineering joke on the same style:

5. A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac meet in a bar.

"Hello there," says black tarmac, "What are you?"

"I," says the red tarmac, "am a bus lane. What are you?"

"I," says the black tarmac, "am a road. Tell me, how do you fancy going to that new club in town?"

"Well, I dunno," says bus lane. "I've heard it's a bit rough and I'm only a soft top, so..."

"Don't worry," says road. "I'm a hard case, I'll protect you."

So off they go and have a ball for a while until three bits of green tarmac come in.

"Ulp," says road and hides under a table as the green tarmac bits start to beat every conceivable bodily fluid out of bus lane, then vanish. Bus lane approaches road afterward and says, "I though you said that you, as a hard case, would protect me!"

"Yes, I did," says road. "But you don't understand. Those bits of green tarmac are cycle paths!"

Assalamu'Alaykum

I hope you dont mind if I add on to your thread.

1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
4. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6. Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
11. Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13. No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.

Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O, (Water)
Was H2SO4. (Sulfuric Acid)

"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge... I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."

Are you any good at maths, actually, because here's a mathematical joke that someone told me that I still don't really get...

x and e^x were walking down the street when they saw a derivative up ahead.

"Oh noes!" cried x, "I've got to get out of here, that derivative will be the end of me!" and runs off, fearing for his life.

"Ha," says e^x, "that derivative can't do anything to me, I'm e^x!"

So ex walks up to the derivative with a smug smile on his face and says, "Hi! I'm ex!"

The derivative smiles back and says, "Hi, I'm ∂ / ∂y!"

This is calculus, I found this I don’t know if it will help when I read its explanation it confused me even more.

d(e^x)/dy = 0, so e^x will be differentiated into oblivion (as he warned x^2, but presuming it would be a d/dx differential operator: d(x^2)/dx = 2x, d(2x)/dx = 2, d(2)/dx = 0, d(0)/dy = 0, etc.) instead of staying d(e^x)/dx = e^x, etc. NB also d(x^2)/dy = 0, so x^2 was right for running off in either case.

I shoulda known that actually, I did calculus in Ad Maths, both differential and integral, but have since forgotten it all.

I think they killed GCSE Ad Maths after my year. Basically it was where they stuffed the first year of A-Level Maths into your GCSE year.

Oh gr8 so it did help btw I found the french version of that joke


C (constante) et exp(x) marchent dans la rue et voient un opérateur différentiel au loin...

"Fait attention, si tu croises un opérateur différentiel, tu peux arrêter d'exister!", dit C.

"J'ai pas peur des opérateurs différentiels moi!", dit exponentielle, confiant. "Ils me croisent, et rien ne m'arrive!"

"Si tu veux prendre le risque, vas-y...moi, je m'en vais"

C part et exp(x) continu, n'ayant peur de rien, assuré de ça survie. Il s'approche de l'opérateur différentiel et celui-ci dit :

"Bonjour! On m'appelle d/dy..."