Official Jokes Thread

[ansar.tajudeen]

****Science Laughs****

Teacher: Suppose a lion was chasing u.
Wat steps wud you take?

Student:very big ones.





Teacher:Name Six animals that live near north pole.

Student:Three Seals and Three polar bears!






Student:The moon is closer to us than france.

Teacher:Why did u say that?

Student:I can see the moon But I ca'nt see France.

[shible]

Maid: What do you want, sir?

Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: Whatís your business, please?

Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...

Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.



There were two young scouts that were twins and they did not quite get the Scout Oath. They stole things, swore, and generally got themselves into trouble around town when they were not on scout outings.

Their mother, realizing she needed help, asked the Scoutmaster to talk with them. He agreed and decided to see them one at a time and hopefully get them to understand that they needed to change. He thought he would first get them to see that their actions were sinful.

When the first scout arrived, he was sat in a chair and the Scoutmaster, who was a big man with a pretty loud voice asked, "Where is God?" He wanted to get the scout to understand that God is everywhere.

The scout's mouth dropped open, but he said nothing. So, the scoutmaster repeated more sternly, "Where is God?"

Again, the scout just sat and stared dumbly at the Scoutmaster so he raised his voice and asked a third time, "WHERE IS GOD?"

The little scout screamed, jumped up, ran out the door, all the way home, into his room, dove into his closet, and hid under his dirty clothes. And, that's where his brother found him.

He asked, "What happened?"

The first scout replied, "Man, we are in BIG trouble! God is missing and they think WE took him!"



Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.

Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute, said the man carrying
the explosive.

Donít worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.

[Firyal]

Originally Posted by shible

Maid: What do you want, sir?

Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: Whatís your business, please?

Visitor: There is a bill...
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village...

Visitor: Which I have to pay him...
Maid: And he returned this morning.

funny among the 3

[shible]

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

[shible]

In New York, a guy walks into a bank. He tells the loan officer that he needs to borrow $5000 because he is going to Europe for a two week trip. The loan officer says the bank will need collateral for the loan so the guy hands him the keys and the title papers to his brand new Ferrari that is parked in the street in front of the bank.

Obviously, a $250,000 Ferrari is more than enough collateral so the loan officer gives him the $5000. The guy leaves and the loan officer drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground parking garage and parks it.

Over the next few days, the big joke among the bank employees is all about the foolish man that put up $250,000 collateral for a measly $5000 loan.

But, two weeks later, the guy returns from his trip and repays his loan. Plus $26.92 interest.

The loan officer says to the guy, "I want to thank you for your business, but I'm curious. While you were away, I checked and found out you are a multimillionaire. I don't understand why you bothered to borrow $5000 when you have so much money."

The guy replies, "Where else in New York can I park my Ferrari for $2.00/day and expect it to be there when I return?"

[shible]

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

Give me your money, he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, You canít do this
I'm a politician!

In that case, replied the robber, give me my money!



One man to another. I want to marry a smart woman, a good woman; a woman who'll make me happy.

Make up your mind.



An American visiting England walked into a hotel lobby. The lift will be down presently, the receptionist told him.

The lift? said the American. Oh, you mean the elevator.

No, I mean the lift. replied the Englishman.

I think I should know what it is called, said the American.
Elevators were invented in the States.

Perhaps, retorted the Englishman.
But we invented the language.



The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination.

The best thing for you to do, the doctor said, is give up drinking and
smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women.

Doctor, I don't deserve the best, said the patient.

What's next best?

[Woodrow]

A Karate Champion got drafted into the Army.

He accidently killed himself the first time he saluted an officer.

[Firyal]

nice ones brothers. Keep it up


SMART SALESMAN

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

[ansar.tajudeen]

Teacher: What will happen if third world war occurs?

Student: There will be another lesson included in our book ,mam.



Person A: It is true that grass is a good source of vitamin A.

Person B: Why?

Person A: Have you ever seen a cow wearing glasses?



Teacher : You are late to school yesterday, day before yesterday and even today

Student : Mam,I come very soon to the road leading to school.But the 'Go
SLOW' board makes me to go slow and thereby making me late to school.



Student : Mam, would u punish a boy for something he did not do?

Teacher : Of course not!

Student : Well then, I hav not done my homework.



Person A 's Mother : Why is your child studying in the aeroplane?

Person B 's Mother : Becoz he wanted Higher Education.



Person A : Wat is the fruitest subject ?

Person B : History,Becoz it is full of Dates.



Person A : My uncle has 500 men under him

Person B : Then he must be very important.

Person A : Not really, he is a maintanance man in a cementry.

[Amz]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left.

I saw a person at work today putting their credit card into their floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what he was doing and he said he was shopping on the internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so he was using the ATM "thingy".

[shible]

A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into tiny
pieces and throwing them out the window.

Excuse me, said the woman sitting next to him. But, would you mind
explaining why youíre doing this?
It scares away the elephants, replied the drunk.

But I don't see any elephants around here, said the woman.
Effective, isn't it? crowed the drunk.




The Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: A home accidents
survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved
either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how
accidents could be reduced, the computer answered:
" Remove the top and bottom steps. "

[shible]

Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.

Dad, he asked, What is the difference between anger and exasperation ?

Well, son, said his father, I'll give you a practical demonstration.

His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.

Hello, said a voice at the other end.

Hello, said Ernie's father. Is Melvin there?

There is no one called Melvin here! the voice replied. Why donít you look
up numbers before you dial them?

You see? said Ernie's father. That man was not at all happy with our call.

But watch this!

He then dialled the number again, and says, Hello, is Melvin there?

Now look here! the voice said angrily. I told you there is no Melvin here!
You have got a lot of nerve calling again!

Did you hear that? Ernie's father asked. That was anger. Now, I will show
you what exasperation is!

He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie's
father said:

Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?



Husband to wife as they emerge from a long session with a marriage guidance
counsellor: Darling, I love you.

There you go again, snapped his wife. 'I...I...I...again.



Annoyed wife to husband: Can't you say we've been married twenty-four
years instead of "almost a quarter of a century" ?


The sign on the door of a lawyer's chamber reads:

Where there is a will, there is a way;
where there is a way, there is law;
where there is law, there is a rule;
where there is a rule, there is a loophole;
where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer;

and so here I am.

[shible]

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father
was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the
screeching sounds, began to howl. Johnny's father listened to the dog and
the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper
on the floor and yelled,

"For God's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"


An eager young man entered his prospective bossís cabin for an interview,
Said the boss
"One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness.
I hope you wiped your shoes on the doormat while coming in?"

Yes, sir, the young man replied promptly.

Back came the rejoinder, "One more thing weíre very particular about is
honesty. There is no doormat outside!"


A teacher had just moved house with all her possessions including box
after box of books.

As the van driver put down the last box in her second-floor flat, he grumbled,
"For Heavenís sake, lady, why didnít you read them before you came?"

[ahsan28]

A Lady Reporter In Afghanistan

Several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of previous regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, "Land mines."


Moral of the Story: Woman are smarter than men

[IbnAbdulHakim]

Student : Mam, would u punish a boy for something he did not do?

Teacher : Of course not!

Student : Well then, I hav not done my homework.

LOL ansar i love your ones jazakAllah