having a relationship with a married muslim man

**hayati** · 04-28-2008

Is it possible that muslim allowed to marry another woman? He wanted us to marry, but the thing is He is already married and i am single. Im a catholic and He is a muslim. I dont want to broke her wife's heart but i love this man a lot my parents also love him so much..but the secret things is I didnt tell my family im going to marry a Married man. Im so confused about if i will be happy with knowing someone is hurting a lot "His wife". I know He love me so much He's taking care of me well although He's far from me. He's just visiting me here in my country were we met 2 years ago..I love him but i have this guilty feeling that im hurting someone. He told me His father wants him to marry me and bring me to their country. Is it allowed for a Muslim man to marry again? i think it is but what will i do, i know She will hate me a lot. And i dont thnk she will agree that her husbnd will marry again, i know she will feel aggraviated. I dont know what i will do i love him so much and i want to start a family with him. please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship because i dont want to hurt her.. please help. God bless us all.

**------** · 04-28-2008

Welcome to the forum.

A Muslim man is allowed to have up to 4 wives at one time.

Polygamy and respecting the wife’s feelings

Question:
Polygamy...I understand what Allah (swt)has said regarding this subject in as much as the economic and importance of the family structure however where in the Quaran does it address the distressed feelings of a woman when her husband decides to take another wife, and how these two should live in harmony under one roof?

Answer:

Praise be to Allaah.

The first wife’s distress when her husband marries another wife is to be expected, and Allaah has set out rules and regulations to reduce these feelings or remove them altogether, by enjoining justice, patience in the face of adversity, and so on. Whatever the case, the fact that these feelings of distress and the dislike of polygamy exist does not justify condemnation of polygamy. Islam came to serve and increase people’s best interests, and to reduce harmful things and render them ineffective. There is no doubt that polygamy, when practised properly in accordance with Islam, achieves many things that are in people’s best interests (such as maintaining the chastity of the man who is not satisfied with one wife, taking care of and maintaining the chastity of the woman who has no husband, increasing the offspring of the Muslims, solving the problem of widows and spinsters, and of the reduced numbers of men after times of war, and so on). As regards the bad things that happen in cases of polygamy, either they are very small when compared to its benefits, or they stem from bad application of this practice. One of the rights which Islam gives to women is that a wife should have her own house, so the two wives do not have to live together under one roof. And Allaah knows best.

Source

**Malaikah** · 04-28-2008

Does the other wife know? If not, tell her first, otherwise it will be nothing but headache and possibly heartache for everyone involved.

**hayati** · 04-28-2008

Originally Posted by Malaikah

Does the other wife know? If not, tell her first, otherwise it will be nothing but headache and possibly heartache for everyone involved.

yes she knew about it long time ago, but she is still crying and fighting Him everytime her husband will visit me. i feel sad about her.

**Danah** · 04-28-2008

I think she has to be satisfied about that first since you both will live with the same man for all of your life. Let her husband try to satisfied her first to avoid the problems that will follow your marriage latter in case she did not satisfied.
sure you dont want to hurt her and dont to live a problematic life, I guess this is the best solution I can offer to you
hope that help

**cute123** · 04-28-2008

Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim

and you SHOULD! you and this nasty man should also feel guilty !

its haram for him to "visit" you before marriage anyway (unless his just seeing you as a proposal which i dont think was your case from what ive heard)

this is very shameful

the man is not good at all, i feel quite sickened at him. infact i feel like to kick him

if you like islaam become a muslim, and i guarantee you will find MUCH better man then he who will marry you without the premarital problems.

Peace to those who follow righteous guidance

Well said !

**Umar001** · 04-28-2008

Originally Posted by hayati

Is it possible that muslim allowed to marry another woman? He wanted us to marry, but the thing is He is already married and i am single. Im a catholic and He is a muslim. I dont want to broke her wife's heart but i love this man a lot my parents also love him so much..but the secret things is I didnt tell my family im going to marry a Married man. Im so confused about if i will be happy with knowing someone is hurting a lot "His wife". I know He love me so much He's taking care of me well although He's far from me. He's just visiting me here in my country were we met 2 years ago..I love him but i have this guilty feeling that im hurting someone. He told me His father wants him to marry me and bring me to their country. Is it allowed for a Muslim man to marry again? i think it is but what will i do, i know She will hate me a lot. And i dont thnk she will agree that her husbnd will marry again, i know she will feel aggraviated. I dont know what i will do i love him so much and i want to start a family with him. please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship because i dont want to hurt her.. please help. God bless us all.

People will be people, jelousy and so forth will happen, but you have to ask is it more than that? Does this wife feel this bad because he already mistreats her? Maybe he married her for the wrong reasons and now feels she is a burden? That is why she is angry and fustrated?

God knows best.

But how do you feel knowing that your husband does not love Jesus the way you love him or does not love God the way you do, actually probably hates the way you love God, i.e. making him three in one, and having a son. What about the future? Exposing your kids to such beliefs.

Boy, this is worrying for me.

**S_87** · 04-28-2008

if i was in his wifes position i would kill him. in islam just because more than one wife is allowed it does not give men the excuse, nor does it tolerate that men can have affairs on the side. infact the married man who is a zani is under the punishment of death. i know you love this man but think of it. hes cheating on his wife! and shes upset because she feels she cant do anything about it.
lets turn the table. what if you were his wife and found out he was having an affair with another woman? what would you do?

**Umar001** · 04-28-2008

Am confused, where does it say that the man is cheating on the wife?

EDIT:

Well there is the mention of parents, the op said the brother's parents want him to marry her, I mean, if the family is envolved then surely we can assume good before we assume bad?

I thought we even had a thread about making escuses?

It could be that the brother helps that woman's family out and got to know the lady in the process in a halal way, or maybe they made mistakes in the past but are now doing it as halal as possible.

Allah knows best, why not ask before we all start saying how bad this man is and so forth.

**hayati** · 04-28-2008

thanks for all the good advice..i really need all these to console me..please dont judge me im only human who can do mistakes. I post here because i know i can find people here that can help and understand me well. He is agood man i can say. He dont want to hurt her also and He dont want to hurt me. Just few minutes ago we talked in the phone and i told Him that i want him to be ready that maybe one day im already gone in his life. All he answered was a drop of tears and sniff. Im really wishing them the best. im still confused I love Him so much. i know God will help me with this. Thanks brothers and sisters for the advice.

**AnonymousPoster** · 04-28-2008

Originally Posted by Al Habeshi

People will be people, jelousy and so forth will happen, but you have to ask is it more than that? Does this wife feel this bad because he already mistreats her? Maybe he married her for the wrong reasons and now feels she is a burden? That is why she is angry and fustrated?

Jealousy and insecurity may not be due to only the way her husband treats her… some women may already have that insecurity instilled within their personality from a very young age and therefore mentally unable to cope with their husband taking on a second wife, and although the husband may do his best to reassure his wife that a second wife will not change their relationship she may feel that it will. Especially if he wants to discuss this topic often it may make her feel inadequate as a wife. So it may not be his fault… and perhaps if a man were to want a second wife he should also give his first wife the option of divorce? At least give her a way out, and InshaAllah she won’t take that option, but at least she feels as though you have given it to her.
Only Allah knows what’s best for us and what is meant to be will happen anyway.

**Snowflake** · 04-28-2008

Originally Posted by Al Habeshi

Am confused, where does it say that the man is cheating on the wife?

EDIT:

Well there is the mention of parents, the op said the brother's parents want him to marry her, I mean, if the family is envolved then surely we can assume good before we assume bad?

I thought we even had a thread about making escuses?

It could be that the brother helps that woman's family out and got to know the lady in the process in a halal way, or maybe they made mistakes in the past but are now doing it as halal as possible.

Allah knows best, why not ask before we all start saying how bad this man is and so forth.

I agree with every thing you said. We are not in the position to judge. The fact that the man wants to marry means he doesn't want to be involved in haram relationship. On top of that we don't know what his circumstances are. He might've been forced to marry his wife and as a result has never been happy. And it isn't as if he wants a bit on the side. He wants marriage.

He is entitled to marry a second wife, but his wife's objections are in fact putting him in the position to continue a haram relationship.

Sister Hayati,

When a wife doesn't allow her husband this right or doesn't acknowledge the wisdom and betterment behind it, she will object regardless of whether her husband was involved with another woman or not.

I doubt you set out to break a marriage or hurt anyone. No one can put themselves in your shoes to know exactly what the circumstances were that lead you two to get involved.

The right thing to do is to get married. And remind the brother that he should tell his wife of his intention and also of his right to do that. At the end of the day it is better to do Nikah and avoid falling further into sin. Also be willing for any children you have to be raised as muslims. That is one condition of you marrying a muslim.

May Allah guide all concerned (and us). Ameen.

**Malaikah** · 04-29-2008

Hold on, I thought Catholics are only allowed to marry other Catholics?

**hayati** · 04-29-2008

We are allowed to marry other religions. But is it possible for a Muslim to marry a Catholic woman without converting the womans religion? Is it possible? Thanks in advance! God bless.

**anonymous** · 04-29-2008

Originally Posted by hayati

And i dont thnk she will agree that her husbnd will marry again, i know she will feel aggraviated.

not many women do...since ur in qatar-an arab country- im gonna assume that this couple are arabs

if yes, dont be suprised, arab women, are very jealous over their husbands...esp if thier syrian

lol...off topic but anyways...

I dont know what i will do i love him so much and i want to start a family with him.

how do u expect ur husband to be truthful to you anyway...i mean the way he found you, and ur whole relationship is haram anyway...what the makes you think hes not gonna cheat on you

please help me if i will continue to marry this man or i will end our relatonship because i dont want to hurt her.. please help. God bless us all.

its not so much necessaily that your hurting someone-which is great that ur taking that into consideration btw

its also (well for me anyways) more like that its been done unlawfully. i mean i f i were married and my hubbi were in this position and got married, etc, and than people asked me how he found his second wife, and i were to tell them through the haram...well u know, thats quite reputation insulting really...

Originally Posted by hayati

yes she knew about it long time ago, but she is still crying and fighting Him everytime her husband will visit me. i feel sad about her.

i dont blame her...she is shattered..once again how do you expect him not to cheat on you in the future, when ur relationship initiated in the haram...what goes around comes araound...

Originally Posted by hayati

He is agood man i can say.

i dont think he is to be honest...where is the good in going behind someones back...where is the loyalty....

Thanks brothers and sisters for the advice.

no probs...btw i think its great that you are taking her into consideration..

not many women would

Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

Jealousy and insecurity may not be due to only the way her husband treats her… some women may already have that insecurity instilled within their personality from a very young age and therefore mentally unable to cope with their husband taking on a second wife, and although the husband may do his best to reassure his wife that a second wife will not change their relationship she may feel that it will. Especially if he wants to discuss this topic often it may make her feel inadequate as a wife. So it may not be his fault… and perhaps if a man were to want a second wife he should also give his first wife the option of divorce? At least give her a way out, and InshaAllah she won’t take that option, but at least she feels as though you have given it to her.
Only Allah knows what’s best for us and what is meant to be will happen anyway.

exactly, and true say..some women just have an inherent insecurity..which is kinda cute actaully...

i think their men ought to appreciate that!

and as previously said:

this is very shameful
the man is not good at all, i feel quite sickened at him. infact i feel like to kick him
if you like islaam become a muslim, and i guarantee you will find MUCH better man then he who will marry you without the premarital problems.

correct all the way...esp the last part...:sunny:

**hayati** · 04-29-2008

Well, i thank everyone for giving me advices, it helps a lot to console me and FOR YOU I hope you will find true happiness in your life. God Bless us all.

Originally Posted by anonymous

not many women do...since ur in qatar-an arab country- im gonna assume that this couple are arabs

if yes, dont be suprised, arab women, are very jealous over their husbands...esp if thier syrian

lol...off topic but anyways...

how do u expect ur husband to be truthful to you anyway...i mean the way he found you, and ur whole relationship is haram anyway...what the makes you think hes not gonna cheat on you

its not so much necessaily that your hurting someone-which is great that ur taking that into consideration btw

its also (well for me anyways) more like that its been done unlawfully. i mean i f i were married and my hubbi were in this position and got married, etc, and than people asked me how he found his second wife, and i were to tell them through the haram...well u know, thats quite reputation insulting really...

i dont blame her...she is shattered..once again how do you expect him not to cheat on you in the future, when ur relationship initiated in the haram...what goes around comes araound...

i dont think he is to be honest...where is the good in going behind someones back...where is the loyalty....

no probs...btw i think its great that you are taking her into consideration..

not many women would

exactly, and true say..some women just have an inherent insecurity..which is kinda cute actaully...

i think their men ought to appreciate that!

and as previously said:

correct all the way...esp the last part...:sunny:

**Snowflake** · 04-29-2008

asalam alaikum,

I don't know whether I'm simply naive or whether it's because I tend to see the good in people before I see bad, but anyway, we shouldn't be throwing accusations at the brother for being a zani. It takes two to commit zana. Then why did no one call the sister a zaniyah to her face? Or it is easier to accuse the brother because he is not here to defend himself? What happened to bringing four witnesses when making such accusations? Fear Allah people. Just because the brother got involved with another woman it does not automatically mean he commited zina.

If he was so bad he could've just had an affair and continued doing so. Why not try to imagine what could've lead him to this. He could've been at a low point of his life and found himself being drawn to Hayati sis for whatever was lacking in his own life? We don't know his side of the story or why things happened the way they did. Are we sure he deliberately let the relationship continue for so long outside wedlock? Or is he in a position where he's trying to do the right thing but is facing obstacles from his wife's side?

It's so easy to judge someone isn't it? Perhaps the very same people doing this would change their mind about the brother if he had a chance to have his say.

Rather than adopting a 'holier than thou' attitude, let's not forget that we are sinful too. Even if the brother did commit zina he might've sincerely repented.

The Prophet (PBUH) said: “One who has repented of a sin (sincerely) is like one who has never sinned at all.”

The Prophet (s.a.w) said regarding the woman from Ghamid who was stoned to death: “She has repented such a repentance that, were it to be divided among seventy of Madina’s residents it would cover them. Have you seen a better repentance than her giving away herself for Allah.”(

lastly, the man who stares upon women with crude intent is also guilty of adultery. Then who are we to judge who is what?

Please, let's refrain from jumping to conclusions without any real valid proof. We do not have shariah law to decide and deal with wrongdoers. And before we ourselves do wrong by making false accusations we should bear in mind that we're supposed to keep pardah of each others sins and make dua to Allah to guide us all.

wa alaikum asalam.

**hayati** · 04-29-2008

Thank you sister Muslimah. Thanks you so much. You are a very intellegent person. I adore people like you. May Allah Bless you and your family. Thank you so much!

Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis

asalam alaikum,

I don't know whether I'm simply naive or whether it's because I tend to see the good in people before I see bad, but anyway, we shouldn't be throwing accusations at the brother for being a zani. It takes two to commit zana. Then why did no one call the sister a zaniyah to her face? Or it is easier to accuse the brother because he is not here to defend himself? What happened to bringing four witnesses when making such accusations? Fear Allah people. Just because the brother got involved with another woman it does not automatically mean he commited zina.

If he was so bad he could've just had an affair and continued doing so. Why not try to imagine what could've lead him to this. He could've been at a low point of his life and found himself being drawn to Hayati sis for whatever was lacking in his own life? We don't know his side of the story or why things happened the way they did. Are we sure he deliberately let the relationship continue for so long outside wedlock? Or is he in a position where he's trying to do the right thing but is facing obstacles from his wife's side?

It's so easy to judge someone isn't it? Perhaps the very same people doing this would change their mind about the brother if he had a chance to have his say.

Rather than adopting a 'holier than thou' attitude, let's not forget that we are sinful too. Even if the brother did commit zina he might've sincerely repented.

lastly, the man who stares upon women with crude intent is also guilty of adultery. Then who are we to judge who is what?

Please, let's refrain from jumping to conclusions without any real valid proof. We do not have shariah law to decide and deal with wrongdoers. And before we ourselves do wrong by making false accusations we should bear in mind that we're supposed to keep pardah of each others sins and make dua to Allah to guide us all.

wa alaikum asalam.

**Snowflake** · 04-29-2008

Thank you sis. If there's anything else you wish to share please don't hesitate. You're also welcome to PM me if you want.

May Allah guide you to the Truth. Ameen.

**glo** · 04-29-2008

Originally Posted by Muslimah_Sis

Please, let's refrain from jumping to conclusions without any real valid proof. We do not have shariah law to decide and deal with wrongdoers. And before we ourselves do wrong by making false accusations we should bear in mind that we're supposed to keep pardah of each others sins and make dua to Allah to guide us all.
wa alaikum asalam.

So true, Muslimah Sis.

It reminds me of the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount:

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.
(Luke 6:41-42)

Peace be with you too