Bump
I need to rant. And a little advice if possible.
So I always knew I wasnt a strong person. Know that I can get attached to people and situations and places and memories real quick and have a hard time letting go. End up getting hurt sometimes but thats how life goes right? You take the bad with the good. Forget what you lost and remember what you had. You know all them cliched words and lines and rhymes and blahhh!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhh! Arghh! Grrrr.
OK just needed that scream.
But now I come to a stage in life where Allah has blessed me a little, well I feel he has. Alhamdulillah. I feel that He has blessed me with strength to deal with whatever life throws my way. I seem to heal real quick nowadays and I thank nobody but Allah.
I have a problem though. I guess I know what the answer is and I know what to do, I just need reassurance and reinforcement.
You know, men are stronger than women, I mean emotionally- its a fact. So although I feel I'm strong I can still be made to feel guilty and bad and all those other yucky emotions we really dont like to feel.
So, I've been strong Alhamdulillah. I cut contact with somebody after I came to the conclusion that this wasnt going to work. That the Istikharah arrow was set to negative and wouldnt be changing anytime soon. Despite EVERYTHING, despite all the words of advice, all the 'lets give it time', and all the du'aas of friends etc I was still firm. I knew I had to say no.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
It was hard, it hurt. It killed. But I did it. And nothing will EVER make me go back on my decision.
Sometimes we do things for ourselves. To please our own Nafs. But for the first time I do something for Allah and actually have the strength to go through with it. Alhamdulillah. Even though I'm told; rather patronisingly that my Istikharah might have been incorrect, that I may have read the signs wrong, that I'm probably so Da*n flawed that I cant do this right...even though that may be so, I feel content. Because I feel as though I'm doing this for Allah and for His pleasure.
Many people, most often than not feel heartache. They cry night after night, they harm themselves, they lose sleep, heck they ruin their lives crying over one person! But when I made the move, when I tried to say no, I felt calm. I felt good. As though I had done the right thing.
I was told that I had broken his heart. Hurt him. Not treating his heart and feelings as I should have. Heck I broke my own heart in the process! But thats ok, a broken heart is a small price to pay to keep things halal. Because thats why we tried to do and thats what we did.
But still I get the, 'lets give it time, maybe things will work in a few years, maybe we can get married then'....But after EVERYTHING, after ending it and going through so much pain in doing so, I dont want any of it. I want complete cut-off.
But he wont understand that.
How do you tell somebody who really cares about you that you want nothing more to do with them and you want to crush any hope they might have of things working.
If this person is the one for me, Allah will make it happen. He'll find a way. But saying that we should get in touch again after several years. Its absurd! How pathetic is it to wait in hope for several years and keep your heart attached to somebody. How healthy is it to have an emotional link to somebody who may never be yours?
HOW...WHY???? Why wont he let me be. Why wont he realise that I dont want any of this. This emotional attachment over the years will cause more pain. I dont doubt that for a second.
How can two people who have so much pain between them, how can they expect things to be the same after several years? how can they expect to feel the same? Do I really risk hurting myself just to find out? Do I wait several years to make this halal and to talk to our families about this? Do I really cut contact with this person, become strangers in the process and then meet again for marriage? Will that really work?
Isnt this a load of rubbish?????? Please somebody knock some sense into us.
Bump
AssalamuAlaykum.
SubhanAllah.
If this person cant respect you now, if he will not respect your decision now...do you really think he will after marriage? At the moment you mean nothing to one another....NOTHING! You're strangers and any emotional attachment you have is non-existent....and if there is an aspect of it then its wrong! Just WRONG.
Sis this is your life, you do what you want. You get married not because somebody wants you to marry them but because you want to. This decison is yours to make and if you dont feel its the best thing for you then just cut any contact you have with this person.
May Allah guide you towards what He loves most sis. Ameen
WassalamuAlaykum
^ Sound advice sis
Ameen!May Allah guide you towards what He loves most sis. Ameen
I would advise but I'm rubbish at advising this sort of thing.
AssalamuAlaykum
I dont think what I said helped. The initial post in this thread is too long. Will break it up insha'Allah.
Basically you're saying you dont want this and he does. He doesnt want to let you go and says maybe you need time (several years) for it to work, sa7?
Well its simple really, life is all about making decisions, and the right ones at that. There are some decisions that nobody can make for you. You have to do it yourself and go with what you firmly believe.
You say you dont want to get married to this person yet it seems his pleading and wanting to make it work is affecting you. Sis if you were as strong as you say, I think you'd be firm and tell him how you feel and why. If you marry him just because he wants you to, how happy will you be after marriage? Just think it through rationally insha'Allah.
All the best
WassalamuAlaykum
Mariage never improves a relationship, it can only enhance and multply what is there. If the seed for marriage is a weed no amount of cultivating and care will make it produce a rose.
To enter marriage with the idea that eventually it will be an automatic door to happiness, is a dumb idea. If there is significant incompatability on day one, there will be much more in the future.
stay wiv him - go against Allaah
leave him - go against him - be with Allaah....
^ sumtimes it aint that simple...
AssalamuAlaykum
One more thing Insha'Allah...
You know, men are stronger than women, I mean emotionally- its a fact. So although I feel I'm strong I can still be made to feel guilty and bad and all those other yucky emotions we really dont like to feel.
Dont ever let anybody make you feel that way. Nobody should make you feel regret or make you feel guilty for leaving them. And if he does then maybe he isnt the right person for you.
WassalamuAlaykum
Nobody should have the right to play with other person life. Wait for several years...for whatYou should be honest , correct and tell him how its the real situation.
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I need to rant. And a little advice if possible.
So I always knew I wasnt a strong person. Know that I can get attached to people and situations and places and memories real quick and have a hard time letting go. End up getting hurt sometimes but thats how life goes right? You take the bad with the good. Forget what you lost and remember what you had. You know all them cliched words and lines and rhymes and blahhh!,
I'm completely useless sometimes at giving naseehah but Insha'Allah I'll try my best to tell you what I think hun, please forgive me in advance if I should say anything to offend/hurt you.
Right, so you've made a decision? let your feelings and actions then complement that decision sis.You know, men are stronger than women, I mean emotionally- its a fact. So although I feel I'm strong I can still be made to feel guilty and bad and all those other yucky emotions we really dont like to feel.
So, I've been strong Alhamdulillah. I cut contact with somebody after I came to the conclusion that this wasnt going to work. That the Istikharah arrow was set to negative and wouldnt be changing anytime soon. Despite EVERYTHING, despite all the words of advice, all the 'lets give it time', and all the du'aas of friends etc I was still firm. I knew I had to say no.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Seriously, NO person has the right to make you feel 'guilty' as you describe it, you've got to think about how much of a good person this brother is if they're making you feel the way you are..yes men may be emotionally stronger but knowing how women are soft ( and yup we are ), men should remain sensitive in thier interaction and general conduct, especially if its as delicate as considering a potential for marriage...heart related matters should be carried out with great precaution from both sides as we wouldn't want to hurt someone and then be accountable for it on the day of judgement..
..the way they speak to you knowing that it has great effects to the weaker nature of women should therefore remain civil and not provoke you to be feeling a certain negative way, its obvious that the way he interacts with you isn't really making you feel any better about this..its just simply logical that things as sensitive as marriage should be taken care of and dealt with care and finished as quicly as possible if things are not suited to the either of you.
Giving you a guilt trip just portrays the immature illogical mentality this brother has..and I don't mean to raise questions about his character as Allahu Alam, Allah knows best of how he really is, but these certain actions give me the inclination to witness great flaws in him already...think about it sis, do you really need to feel this way?
If you are positive that you are doing this for Allah and are content then you need to ignore what others say about your decision if it is against it, simply because that way you are fulfiling your trust in Allah, Alhamdulillah wa Masha'Allah that Allah has guided you to take a decision that you are content with, you need to move on and simply let go of all the things which make you feel unpleasent about this now, regardless of how the other person may feel as you're decision is up to you and if you feel like Allah has indeed guided you, it shouldn't matter how others regard it.Sometimes we do things for ourselves. To please our own Nafs. But for the first time I do something for Allah and actually have the strength to go through with it. Alhamdulillah. Even though I'm told; rather patronisingly that my Istikharah might have been incorrect, that I may have read the signs wrong, that I'm probably so Da*n flawed that I cant do this right...even though that may be so, I feel content. Because I feel as though I'm doing this for Allah and for His pleasure.
All this breaking hearts should not be your concern when you've made your decision making sure that it is the best thing you could have done and that it is pleasurable to Allah (Swt). Life moves on, people change, circumstances change, hearts are healed and they're often broken a couple of times as well..but thats it..time progresses and we experience and feel different things at different times..why then must we hold onto the past? all that has gone, and because we are not going to have it anymore, its best for ourselves that we forget it and look the future, and distinguish the things that really matter..we are not guaranteed our last minute, imagine how many minutes and moments we waste greiving over the past when there is a future ahead of us insha'Allah , time to improve and head towards better alternatives, better pathways to success and Allah (Swt)'s rewards..Many people, most often than not feel heartache. They cry night after night, they harm themselves, they lose sleep, heck they ruin their lives crying over one person! But when I made the move, when I tried to say no, I felt calm. I felt good. As though I had done the right thing.
I was told that I had broken his heart. Hurt him. Not treating his heart and feelings as I should have. Heck I broke my own heart in the process! But thats ok, a broken heart is a small price to pay to keep things halal. Because thats why we tried to do and thats what we did.
Some poeple take time to 'move on' but as you're soo sure about your decision sis, then have trust in Allah and He (Swt) will indeed open up new doors for you, leave all that doesn't concern you and as far as you're concerned niether of you are concerned with one another therefore it doesn't matter how much this person is still wanting things to happen as everythings predestined anyway, so whatever happens whether you or he likes it or not..they will, and thus an end to futile arguments and expressions which only bring about the recollection of "how it could've been" and loads of "what ifs" ..remember these thoughts are from the shaytaan that loves to engage us in all that is unbeneficial for us, so seek Allah's protection and ask Him (Swt) to allow and bless you in better things and provide you with better sources of goodness..
recite the Du'a Umm Salamah did when her husband passed away, look what she was blessed with! the BEST of mankind..the prophet (SAW) himself, Allah is indeed capable of all things, great and small just cry out to Allah for all that you desire and be sure He (Swt) is closer to us than our jugular veins! Subhan'Allah Allah (Swt) will reply and suffice your needs for sure!
you do, and frankly speaking, thats all that SHOULD matter.But he wont understand that.
you've answered your own question sis..if this person is "the ONE" then Allah will make it happen, otherwise you need to do all that protects you from evil roots and all that which brings about His (Swt)'s displeasure to be upon you nothing more...and remember that we all plan but Allah (Swt) is the best of planners. Allahu Akbar.How do you tell somebody who really cares about you that you want nothing more to do with them and you want to crush any hope they might have of things working.
If this person is the one for me, Allah will make it happen. He'll find a way. But saying that we should get in touch again after several years. Its absurd! How pathetic is it to wait in hope for several years and keep your heart attached to somebody. How healthy is it to have an emotional link to somebody who may never be yours?
this is why we've been so blessed and been given guidance by Allah (Swt) and His Messenger, outlining guidelines to how we should treat one another , prohibit freemixing and close/personal contact whether that be online/offline with the opposite gender, how we're limited in our activities with the opposite gender until after marriage where things are made Halaal for us as, we're also blessed with the knowledge to hasten in all the good we do, if things aren't worth waiting for then don't wait and choose a better route to the good. Subhan'Allah these guidlines ultimately allow us to prevent giving way to fitaan and sticky situations as this..may Allah (Swt) continue pouring you with Sabr, bless you both with all that is best for you and lead you upon the roads to righteousness, protecting you from all forms of Harm and evil Aameen.
Wa Allahu Alam..thats just my opinion, its now up to you of how you feel about this sis, and I'm sure you know, this can be changed easily if you change the way you YoURSELF feel about it Insha'Allah.
take care,
Last edited by .: Jannati :.; 07-13-2008 at 04:25 PM.
not if YOU complicate itformat_quote Originally Posted by - Serene -
Meaning;
Source: http://asqfish.wordpress.com/tag/sunnah/SUPPLICATION: “Innaa Lillaahi wa innaa ilayhi raji’oon, Allaahumma ujurni fi museebati w’ukhluf li khayran minha”.
(To Allaah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allaah, reward me in this calamity and compensate me with something better than it.)
format_quote Originally Posted by JσℓιєFℓєυя
jazaak`Allahu khayran for posting it , and na'3m tis the one I was referring to *smiles*
Edit the actual hadeeth:
Umm Salamah Radi'Allaahu 'anhaa reported that Allah's Messenger :saw: said:
"Whenever an affliction strikes a muslim and he says, as Allah commanded him, "
اللهم أجرني في مصيبتي واخلفني خيرا منها "
- To Allah we belong, and to Him will we return - O Allah, reward me for my affliction and replace it for me with that which is better," Allah will then surely replace it for him with that which is better."
Last edited by .: Jannati :.; 07-13-2008 at 04:50 PM.
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I need to rant. And a little advice if possible.
So I always knew I wasnt a strong person. Know that I can get attached to people and situations and places and memories real quick and have a hard time letting go. End up getting hurt sometimes but thats how life goes right? You take the bad with the good. Forget what you lost and remember what you had. You know all them cliched words and lines and rhymes and blahhh!
Arghhhhhhhhhhhh! Arghh! Grrrr.
OK just needed that scream.
But now I come to a stage in life where Allah has blessed me a little, well I feel he has. Alhamdulillah. I feel that He has blessed me with strength to deal with whatever life throws my way. I seem to heal real quick nowadays and I thank nobody but Allah.
I have a problem though. I guess I know what the answer is and I know what to do, I just need reassurance and reinforcement.
You know, men are stronger than women, I mean emotionally- its a fact. So although I feel I'm strong I can still be made to feel guilty and bad and all those other yucky emotions we really dont like to feel.
So, I've been strong Alhamdulillah. I cut contact with somebody after I came to the conclusion that this wasnt going to work. That the Istikharah arrow was set to negative and wouldnt be changing anytime soon. Despite EVERYTHING, despite all the words of advice, all the 'lets give it time', and all the du'aas of friends etc I was still firm. I knew I had to say no.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
It was hard, it hurt. It killed. But I did it. And nothing will EVER make me go back on my decision.
Sometimes we do things for ourselves. To please our own Nafs. But for the first time I do something for Allah and actually have the strength to go through with it. Alhamdulillah. Even though I'm told; rather patronisingly that my Istikharah might have been incorrect, that I may have read the signs wrong, that I'm probably so Da*n flawed that I cant do this right...even though that may be so, I feel content. Because I feel as though I'm doing this for Allah and for His pleasure.
Many people, most often than not feel heartache. They cry night after night, they harm themselves, they lose sleep, heck they ruin their lives crying over one person! But when I made the move, when I tried to say no, I felt calm. I felt good. As though I had done the right thing.
I was told that I had broken his heart. Hurt him. Not treating his heart and feelings as I should have. Heck I broke my own heart in the process! But thats ok, a broken heart is a small price to pay to keep things halal. Because thats why we tried to do and thats what we did.
But still I get the, 'lets give it time, maybe things will work in a few years, maybe we can get married then'....But after EVERYTHING, after ending it and going through so much pain in doing so, I dont want any of it. I want complete cut-off.
But he wont understand that.
How do you tell somebody who really cares about you that you want nothing more to do with them and you want to crush any hope they might have of things working.
If this person is the one for me, Allah will make it happen. He'll find a way. But saying that we should get in touch again after several years. Its absurd! How pathetic is it to wait in hope for several years and keep your heart attached to somebody. How healthy is it to have an emotional link to somebody who may never be yours?
HOW...WHY???? Why wont he let me be. Why wont he realise that I dont want any of this. This emotional attachment over the years will cause more pain. I dont doubt that for a second.
How can two people who have so much pain between them, how can they expect things to be the same after several years? how can they expect to feel the same? Do I really risk hurting myself just to find out? Do I wait several years to make this halal and to talk to our families about this? Do I really cut contact with this person, become strangers in the process and then meet again for marriage? Will that really work?
Isnt this a load of rubbish?????? Please somebody knock some sense into us.
Sister, I know exactly what you mean. Last year, I came to know someone very much like that. I cut it off, told him to go away. If I didn't get a prank, I got a random text with his emotional bullsh*t.. Bringing up all them feelings I had for him. Even when I changed my number, he soon got it and the pranks and texts started again. As he knew where I lived, he would even come outside my house and then ring me asking me to come out. I still to this day get these texts playing with my head, telling me he misses me. My situation is different in the sense that I found a lot about him which changed how I feel of him as a person, yet I can't still help liking the person I KNEW. Today, I've changed my number and I stick firm with my decision. Sometimes being hurt is the thing that reinforces your decision. What I have in store is better and I don't need some low life to give me temproary enjoyment. If I don't marry him [HIGHLY unlikely] then why would I want to regret my decision to be with him when I'm happily married with my husband. The thought of looking into my husbands eyes knowing I was involved with him in some manner. And my past still haunts me. But I have done what I feel is right, both for my deen and for myself. I hope you can stay strong. Good Luck
I do not wish to sound insensitive, but you need to look at it as follows:
Marriage is like a business partnrship. Two entities decide to join forces because together they can achieve more and each side obtain a certain advantage that without this partnership they could not have.
So, with that in mind, one sie wnating, regardless of their qualities, will get you no where. It have to be built on solid grounds for it to last and flourish.
AssalamuAlaykum
Don't mean to pry, but why is this guy not a legit option for marriage? Was it Islamic reasons, Cultural, or sumtn else? Just wondering what about him made you certain he wasn't the 1 for U.. Obviously you didn't want to disclose these details but I find it hard to give my opinion without an Understanding of both sides....
OMG, you have done exactly what I've been meaning to do for 6 months. I don't know how you've done it. You are so so strong to let go of someone you love and care about so much. I feel like a failure I can't even leave the one I'm with.
Things were bad between us a few months back and it made me question our future. Would he treat me this way once we were married? Would he cheat on me and break my heart into a millions pieces?
I was so depressed and I'm still suffering from anxiety. I made the intention that I would do Istikhara and once I have the answer, I will do the right thing. But something stopped me from carrying out my duty one evening. He wouldn't answer his phones, he wouldn't reply to my texts and I didn't know what had happened.
The next morning I looked at my phone and realised he didn't get back to me the whole night, now I was panicking, I was afraid something had happened to him or maybe he just had enough of me and wanted out.
I was so so depressed and I had never cried so much, I thought I'd lost him forever. He'd never done anything like this before, no matter how bad our fights were, he always called and made it upto me.
Then, the next evening, my mobile rang. I ran to it like a bullet and I saw his name flashing on the screen. I answered and as soon as I heard his voice, tears ran down my cheeks. He said he left his phone at his cousins house which was 2 hours drive. Typical!
But the next few days were very hard for me. I didn't want to do Istikhara anymore, I thought to myself, if I go ahead and and it turns out to be negative, that means I can't be with him and there is no way I can let him go, especially the day and a half of thinking he'd gone forever, it made me realise I can't live without him.
My head was a mess, I didn't know what to do. Then a friend of mine told me that, if I made the intention of doing Istikhara and then don't do it, it's not good. But, I thought to myself, it's worse if I do it, get a negative answer and go back to him and carry on as normal.
But I know I'm going about it the wrong way and I know this won't last.
I don't know how to be strong, it's so so hard. How do I find the strength to let him go?
I pray and cry so much, yet I still find myself attached to him.
Sorry for going on and on. Going back to your situation, does he know you made this decision because Istikhara has revealed a negative answer?
If he does then he is being selfish by not letting you go. He needs to be strong and do the same thing as you.
To me, it seems he thinks you probably just going through a phase, and in a few years you'll get back together. He is living in a dream world.
Tell him straight sis, and once you have told him, cut off all ties with him, so that you don't have to listen to him making you feel guilty over something that is out of your control.
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