Marriage, Considering Divorce..Some Advice please.

**Ushae** · 09-29-2008

Salaam,

Hello I have managed to find myself in quite the predicament and cannot seem to make a decision alone or from my own family. Basically I am in a marriage that I have tried my upmost to maintain, but due to other circumstances I have reached the point where I am considering divorce very seriously. Let me explain in more detail..

2 years ago (I was 21) my uncle (brother to my father) died of cancer in the gall bladder and unfortunately left behind a wife, two daughters (4 and 16 years old) and a son (14). One of his dying wishes was for his eldest daughters to marry me. Why he chose me is still beyond me, security, fondness, etc I don't know nor will I ever know. At the time it was difficult for all our family since he died at such a young age and so unexpectadly, so naturally I agreed and promised I would marry her.

I admit I am naive in these matters and had little experience with women outside my family. I have always declined advances from women in my past because I felt it was wrong and wanted to wait for my future wife, I truly belived and still do that Allah has made someone perfect for me, so naturally I was gullible and inexperienced!

Since then the commitment (although no formal marriage was made) was made and things went smoothly. Immediately after he died I undertook a Master's Degree in Oncology so I was based in UNivaersity Halls. The daughter was living in Pakistan (since 2 years ago, they moved from UK to Pakistan).

Since my uncles death there has been a lot of conflict in her household over things like money, property inheritance etc, evil things. She was in a very difficult position and needed someone to lean on. I ALWAYS called her twice, sometimes three times a day to see how she was despite being pinned down in an intense MSc Course. 6 months later I found out she was seeing (not physically) another man. How did I find out ? She called me and told me (while crying of course). It didn't bother me too much as I fgured she was young and naive, like myself. However I asked her if she wanted to continue this relationship. SHe said yes...

Two months later she STILL is in a relationship with this man. I am still being patient, undestanding that the circumstances were against her. But she was still telling me she wanted to go through with the marriage.

I failed my Masters that year, becuase I couldn't handle the stress she was placing me through, which I personally blame myself for.
I lost a very important year of my life and naturally was VERY upset about it. Hpwever I still did lose my temper, I understood.

Now since then (1 and a half years later) I have called her everyday and tried my best to keep her interest. She has NEVER called me, not even a missed call. The day came when we were supposed to marry. HOwever it was not a complete marriage. We did a nikkah, but I was not allowed to live with her, nor physically get too close. Naturally I agreed with no complaints. I respected my elders. 3 months after our nikkah I found that she was still having a relationshipo with the same man !!

Recently in the last few months, I had a serious operation on my jaw. She came over to UK to see her family and myself. She did no stay with me even ONCE.. she spent all her time with her family...she didn't even call me.

I have recently reached my limit. I do not know what to do. I am considering a divorce now before things become more complicated. I do not want to spend the rest of my life someone who cares so little for my effort. She is now 18 and I am 23. I still believe I can meet someone who is perfect for me, but am afraid of the consequences of getting a divorce. She has never shown me any faith, respect and sincerity and has cheated me several times already.

What should I do ? Am I making the right move ? I pray everyday and Allah will not listen to me !!

Will he ever listen to me ? Am I still being naive, is there no such thing as a perfect partner ?

**Al-Zaara** · 09-29-2008

Selam aleykum brother,

Wow, that's some story. I'm sorry for the difficulties you have gone through and still going through. Verily, Allah is there and patience should become our best friend inshaAllah. To be honest, I can only answer from my own personal view.

First off... You are 23, brother. That's not old, that's not the end of the world. People have met their perfect mates years later, sometimes at their late fifties and such. You don't have to despair at all, there are lots of other girls in the world, of many kinds. You simply must put your trust in Allah, always, to grant you this right girl.

Yet at the same time, this girl you are married to... Don't your parents or other elders know about what she is doing? How come they are allowing her to do this? If they don't and you want to divorce, don't hesitate. She has done wrong to you and not the other way around.

In all honesty, give her an ultimatum, either she leaves that man forever to be with you or she and you divorce as soon as possible. I see honestly no other solution. Yes, she is young, but you are young too. Are you willing to wait long times before she'll commit herself to you? She is young, and has a relationship with someone else, she obviously isn't actually ready for a real marriage and you seem to be in a whole different level than her mentally. She has yet to mature. And she doesn't even show interest in you, she neglects you and you still fight for her. Is she really worth it? Or are you just too scared to set yourself free and again be on a search for someone?

I know your uncle asked you to marry her as his last wish, but if he knew what she was doing to you, do you think that he'd still ask you to go through the marriage?

I hope things get solved for you soon inshaAllah.

**MARTYR** · 09-29-2008

Originally Posted by Al-Zaara

Selam aleykum brother,

Wow, that's some story. I'm sorry for the difficulties you have gone through and still going through. Verily, Allah is there and patience should become our best friend inshaAllah. To be honest, I can only answer from my own personal view.

First off... You are 23, brother. That's not old, that's not the end of the world. People have met their perfect mates years later, sometimes at their late fifties and such. You don't have to despair at all, there are lots of other girls in the world, of many kinds. You simply must put your trust in Allah, always, to grant you this right girl.

Yet at the same time, this girl you are married to... Don't your parents or other elders know about what she is doing? How come they are allowing her to do this? If they don't and you want to divorce, don't hesitate. She has done wrong to you and not the other way around.

In all honesty, give her an ultimatum, either she leaves that man forever to be with you or she and you divorce as soon as possible. I see honestly no other solution. Yes, she is young, but you are young too. Are you willing to wait long times before she'll commit herself to you? She is young, and has a relationship with someone else, she obviously isn't actually ready for a real marriage and you seem to be in a whole different level than her mentally. She has yet to mature. And she doesn't even show interest in you, she neglects you and you still fight for her. Is she really worth it? Or are you just too scared to set yourself free and again be on a search for someone?

I know your uncle asked you to marry her as his last wish, but if he knew what she was doing to you, do you think that he'd still ask you to go through the marriage?

I hope things get solved for you soon inshaAllah.

Salam Brother,

Sorry i cant think of an answer to your sad story,
may Allah guide you to the right decision.

Martyr
Proud Islamic Revert

**Al-Zaara** · 09-29-2008

MARTYR - You quoted my post, meaning the wrong post, brother.

Haha

**chacha_jalebi** · 09-29-2008

itsh okaaay BROTHER al zaara

and now...

brother, if she is cheatin on you, once, twice, thrice four-ice

you gotta put a stop to it!! divorce isnt a bad thin, if the marriage isnt workin thats why divorce is allowed, like in a pakistani family people worry about if i divorce what will happen, what will people say? and they are ready to commit themselfs to a relationship in which they are bein treated like crap or even worse... people have mouths, you need to realise, even if you dont divorce people will talk like i wonder why they not livin together bla bla, and if you do divorce they will still talk, you need to think about your happyness, because that is most important here, i think you should tell the girl, you married her cos your uncle wish, but she aint suitable and she already has another thaang goin on, and you know how they say kebab mein hadi! you dont wana be that, so i think its best to break it off

and their are perfect partners

just gotta be patient for them! so keep smilin! think about yourself and how you wana be happy, do istikhara, make decisions for your best interests, and woo hoo!

there are plently of fish in the sea, as they say!!

keep smilin

**Al-Zaara** · 09-29-2008

itsh okaaay BROTHER al zaara

You should call me uncle, show some more respect. I am an old-ex-mod.

And chacha_jalebi made a very good point there, people will talk, no matter what. Either about your divorce or while you are married and she is cheating, etc. People always find something to talk about if it is that which they are searching for, they will always find something.

It's YOUR marriage, YOUR life, not theirs, so they can speculate and judge all they want, they are not living through it. You are, and you are suffering. So be quick and do something about your situation, the sooner you do something the better, inshaAllah.

**Hasan Ali** · 09-29-2008

i mean if she be cheating on you again and again i would get a divorce i mean i would not even be patience cause once someones cheats they never be faithful.

**Snowflake** · 09-30-2008

asalam alaikum

InshaAllah have sabr bro. I know right now you're at the end of your patience, but this could be the way to something better for you inshaAllah.

Where divorce is concerned, your wife's character is neither upright or righteous in religion or morals. In this matter divorce becomes obligatory upon you.

Source: Divorce Chapter 2, page 428 (Summary of Islamic Jurisprudence Vol 2) - Dr Salih al-Fawzan.

May Allah bring you lots of happiness and ease in the very near future.. ameen.

**SixTen** · 09-30-2008

It is unnacceptable that she is seeing another man - thats crazy.

**Zahida** · 10-01-2008

We are worlds apart in age and you my dear one are miles apart from this girl. In my opinion and please forgive me for this i do not think that you should have married this girl, it sounds like the typical family behsti type thing but if your heart was not in it you should not have done it. Also dear one if you knew this girl was in a relationship with someone you should have told someone and confirmed all of this. You have had nikah done but not consumated the marraige , you must be honest with your elders tell them what is happening and then get out of this before it gets worse. Young man you have yourwhole life ahead of you and if you don't take steps now you will regret later in life. It sounds to me like this girl is not interested in you and also is very young, she probably does not know what she is doing herself. I think if she has caused you any hurt it was unintentional. Also let me tell you there is no such thing as perfect, we all try to be but we
all have blemishes, i have nephews nieces of your age and have spoken and advised you as i would them please do not mind anything i said. Take care of your self.

Originally Posted by Ushae

Salaam,

Hello I have managed to find myself in quite the predicament and cannot seem to make a decision alone or from my own family. Basically I am in a marriage that I have tried my upmost to maintain, but due to other circumstances I have reached the point where I am considering divorce very seriously. Let me explain in more detail..

2 years ago (I was 21) my uncle (brother to my father) died of cancer in the gall bladder and unfortunately left behind a wife, two daughters (4 and 16 years old) and a son (14). One of his dying wishes was for his eldest daughters to marry me. Why he chose me is still beyond me, security, fondness, etc I don't know nor will I ever know. At the time it was difficult for all our family since he died at such a young age and so unexpectadly, so naturally I agreed and promised I would marry her.

I admit I am naive in these matters and had little experience with women outside my family. I have always declined advances from women in my past because I felt it was wrong and wanted to wait for my future wife, I truly belived and still do that Allah has made someone perfect for me, so naturally I was gullible and inexperienced!

Since then the commitment (although no formal marriage was made) was made and things went smoothly. Immediately after he died I undertook a Master's Degree in Oncology so I was based in UNivaersity Halls. The daughter was living in Pakistan (since 2 years ago, they moved from UK to Pakistan).

Since my uncles death there has been a lot of conflict in her household over things like money, property inheritance etc, evil things. She was in a very difficult position and needed someone to lean on. I ALWAYS called her twice, sometimes three times a day to see how she was despite being pinned down in an intense MSc Course. 6 months later I found out she was seeing (not physically) another man. How did I find out ? She called me and told me (while crying of course). It didn't bother me too much as I fgured she was young and naive, like myself. However I asked her if she wanted to continue this relationship. SHe said yes...

Two months later she STILL is in a relationship with this man. I am still being patient, undestanding that the circumstances were against her. But she was still telling me she wanted to go through with the marriage.

I failed my Masters that year, becuase I couldn't handle the stress she was placing me through, which I personally blame myself for.
I lost a very important year of my life and naturally was VERY upset about it. Hpwever I still did lose my temper, I understood.

Now since then (1 and a half years later) I have called her everyday and tried my best to keep her interest. She has NEVER called me, not even a missed call. The day came when we were supposed to marry. HOwever it was not a complete marriage. We did a nikkah, but I was not allowed to live with her, nor physically get too close. Naturally I agreed with no complaints. I respected my elders. 3 months after our nikkah I found that she was still having a relationshipo with the same man !!

Recently in the last few months, I had a serious operation on my jaw. She came over to UK to see her family and myself. She did no stay with me even ONCE.. she spent all her time with her family...she didn't even call me.

I have recently reached my limit. I do not know what to do. I am considering a divorce now before things become more complicated. I do not want to spend the rest of my life someone who cares so little for my effort. She is now 18 and I am 23. I still believe I can meet someone who is perfect for me, but am afraid of the consequences of getting a divorce. She has never shown me any faith, respect and sincerity and has cheated me several times already.

What should I do ? Am I making the right move ? I pray everyday and Allah will not listen to me !!

Will he ever listen to me ? Am I still being naive, is there no such thing as a perfect partner ?