Hop they help i realy don't know, but do fear she loved the another man more, or what is the reason for you'r feelings? I think if you think why that may be take ypu out of the problem, inshallah.
slam
I would appreciate some advice on an issue I am having.
My fiance has told me about something from her past that, unfortunately, has made me see her in another light. I was unaware of this but now having found out about it has made me look at our relationship differently. It has made me see myself as something I never thought I would be. Not to go into all the details but I broke up her relationship with another because her parents didn't approve of him but they approved of me. Being a muslim she agreed to her parents wishes. I never saw my marriage starting this way.
I really want to get over this but for some reason I just can't let it go. She and I have spoken about it on a number of occasions and each time I think I am through with it only to have the feelings creep back up. I want to stop thinking of this and see our relationship the way I use to. I want to return to that loving feeling we had. But for some reason I can't.
How have other people handle things like this? How do you deal with the past and look beyond it towards the future? I can't seem to do it and I fear that my engagement will end because of this.
Hop they help i realy don't know, but do fear she loved the another man more, or what is the reason for you'r feelings? I think if you think why that may be take ypu out of the problem, inshallah.
slam
Is hard to advice you without knowing what is your fear. Hope you the best
Here is my advice and I hope it helps, its quite clear and simple.format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I would appreciate some advice on an issue I am having.
My fiance has told me about something from her past that, unfortunately, has made me see her in another light. I was unaware of this but now having found out about it has made me look at our relationship differently. It has made me see myself as something I never thought I would be. Not to go into all the details but I broke up her relationship with another because her parents didn't approve of him but they approved of me. Being a muslim she agreed to her parents wishes. I never saw my marriage starting this way.
I really want to get over this but for some reason I just can't let it go. She and I have spoken about it on a number of occasions and each time I think I am through with it only to have the feelings creep back up. I want to stop thinking of this and see our relationship the way I use to. I want to return to that loving feeling we had. But for some reason I can't.
How have other people handle things like this? How do you deal with the past and look beyond it towards the future? I can't seem to do it and I fear that my engagement will end because of this.
Love for the sake of Allah SWT. All love, Should be directed ultimately for the sake of Allah SWT. If you love for the sake of Allah SWT then Allah SWT will love you and make everyone around you love you also. That means doing things for the sake of Allah SWT and peforming actions with the ultimate pleasure in pleasing Allah SWT.
[Quran 2:165] "Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah, as equal (with Allah): they love them as they should love Allah, but those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah. If only the unrighteous could see, behold, they would see the Punishment: that to Allah belongs all power, and Allah will strongly enforce the Punishment".
[Quran 5:54]"O ye who believe! if any from among you turn back from his Faith, soon will Allah produce a people whom He will love as they will love Him, lowly with the Believers, mighty against the Rejecters, fighting in the Way of Allah, and never afraid of the reproaches of such as find fault. That is the Grace of Allah, which He will bestow on whom He pleaseth. And Allah encompasseth all, and He knoweth all things"
I Hope I have given some good advice and that helps brother.
Allah SWT knows best!
And it shouldnt.format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I never saw my marriage starting this way.
Why did she bring this up? Meaning why is she now telling you all this?
Speaking about the past is not always necessary, especially if it makes people think differently of you if it wasn't necessarily a ''good'' past.
At the end of the day, maybe you should speak to her about it insha'Allaah but not in a way that makes her feel insulted.
And by ''fiancee'', do you mean the nikaah has taken place? Sorry that always confuses me.
I guess I have both fear and regret. My fear is that I can't let this go and I may bring up again when we argue later in life. Everyone has fears about getting married and are always concerned about how they will live with their partner but my fear has a specific incident. I fear that I won't be able to overlook this.format_quote Originally Posted by Fahiima
My fear is based off of regret. I regret that I caused her, and oddly enough, the other guy, pain. I regret that I wasn't aware of her situation before asking for her. I regret that what I saw as a moment of happiness was actually a moment of pain for her. She tells me know that she is over it and is very happy with me but sometimes I sense she is not. Just last month she expressed fear about getting married. When I asked her what made her upset I found out that the other guy was still trying to contact her. She didn't speak to him but it still upset her. So my fear is that deep down she will never really be over him.
I know she loves me based on how we talk and act with each other but I am having a tough time looking past this.
Also, technically, in the religion, she is my wife though we have never consumated the marriage. She lives in another country for the time being.
I don't really know why exactly. I guess she felt comfortable with me and wanted to clear her past before someone else did. I can't really be sure. I asked her this and that is what she told me.format_quote Originally Posted by Amatullah_
I respect her for that actually but it is not news I want to hear.
rule number 1 ' do not marry a women who had deep and relentless love for a previous man,she's just not feeling you even though it may seem she is.....it could be all an act but allahuallem if she says she has moved on then just trust her and ask allah for guidance that and help that the marriage stays a strong marriage and the past is forgotten
in repsonse to brother alcurad
love is born and dies but for some people their old love is revived this happens to some during marriage and some who are not married
Last edited by Cabdullahi; 03-12-2009 at 01:42 PM.
^I disagree brother, love is something that is born and dies, and there are different kinds of it.
shouldn'tve asked then, but now that it has already occurred, you have to realize she is your wife, regardless of whatever happened before, perhaps consummating the marriage and living together will ease the tension,,
I think we have to keep in the forefront of our minds that whatever a person did prior to meeting us something that is between them and Allah and has nothing whatsoever to do with us. They may have repented and Allah may have purified them of their sin. Then who are we to judge them? On top the that if this sister did something wrong she would've only harmed heself. She didn't harm you did she?
Now it is up to you to be the bigger man and accept that people make mistakes and she trusted you enough to share something about herself with you. I'm sure she had expected understanding, not you seeing her in a different light now. As sis Coddles said, love her for the sake of Allah and ask Allah to purify your own heart. I find it strange that a person should judge someone over something that did not ever concern them. Forgive her and Allah will forgive you.
I am not judging her. What she did before me has nothing to do with me and I have no right to pass judgment on anyone. What I am afraid of is that she still loves this person.format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
He lives next door to her and she sees him everyday. Every once in a while she is very depressed. When I ask her what is wrong I find out that he either tried to call her or she afraid of changing her life by coming to live with me. Just this morning we had this exact conversation. All these feelings rock my belief in her feelings towards me which in turn make me question my feelings towards her. It's a vicious cycle. So now everytime she is upset I start wondering if its because of him.
She asked me never to bring him up again after our last talk so I can't question why she is upset. And that is the hard part which is making it more difficult for me to drop this. I never know what she is feeling and what the cause of it. Being far away does not help.
''rule number 1 ' do not marry a women who had deep and relentless love for a previous man,she's just not feeling you even though it may seem she is.....it could be all an act but allahuallem if she says she has moved on then just trust her and ask allah for guidance that and help that the marriage stays a strong marriage and the past is forgotten
in repsonse to brother alcurad
love is born and dies but for some people their old love is revived this happens to some during marriage and some who are not married''
this is what i posted in a similar thread i think you should take the beautiful advice of sister scent of jannah ''BE A BIGGER MAN'' knowing that your wife's first love lives next door,... it would also help if the wife would be a bigger woman and reassures her husband instead of circulating in a cycle of being upset because of allah knows what
Asalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatu,
------------------------------------------------
Praise be to Allaah.
One of the mistakes that some couples make is telling one another about their pasts which the other partner has nothing to do with. Why would a wife tell her husband about things in the past that have nothing to do with the husband?
The past, with all that is in it, has gone, so why should one bring it up again and talk about it again and bring it back to life?The past should remain hidden in the heart, known to no one except Allaah.
Both spouses should start their married life on a basis of piety and obedience to Allaah, and on mutual love. Each of them should know the rights of the other, so that they may fulfil the purpose of marriage which Allaah mentioned in the verse (interpretation of the meaning):
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect”
[al-Room 30:21]
Some people think that this frankness is a positive sign of a good relationship between the spouses, but this is wrong and real life proves that it is wrong. This frankness may be a cause of the relationship between the spouses being spoiled.
How can the frankness that leads to that be a good thing? The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) granted a concession allowing a man to lie to his wife and a woman to lie to her husband if that will lead to an increase in love between them.
There are some cases in which there is nothing wrong with one spouse concealing things from the other, and it may be wise to do so, because disclosing them may lead to negative consequences, and there is no purpose to be served by disclosing them.
Both spouses have secrets from before marriage, and private matters which must be kept private and hidden, known to no one except Allaah, and they must repent from them if they are sinful.
Yes, they should be frank with one another in matters that have to do with their married life and raising their children,and making plans for their married life to be successful.
You made a mistake by telling your husband about that, and now you are suffering the results of that mistake.
It would be wise now not to tell your family or anyone else anything about this matter, because it was over a long time ago. Telling them may stir up a great deal of enmity and you have no need of that.
Our advice to your husband is to understand the situation properly, especially since you did not know what was going on at the time, and it was not as he imagines it. Your husband has to understand that and he should not destroy his family and punish you for something that happened years ago and for which you do not deserve to be blamed because you were too young. We ask Allaah to set your affairs straight and to reconcile between you.And Allaah knows best.
Asalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatu,
------------------------------------------------
The complete fatwa can be found here.
These fatwa might also answer some of your questions:
He found out that his wife was having a relationship with a man, then she repented. Should he divorce her?
Should she tell her husband about her previous relationships?
If the above don't answer your questions, you really ought to contact a trusted scholar Insha Allah.
OK, bro. So you think the 'past' still exists for her. Sorry for misunderstanding. Hmm.. I can see how this would concern you but it needn't mean the end of everything. You have asked why she is sad, but that's not got you results. It's better to be blunt and ask if she still loves him. I think her reaction will speak volumes and be the best way to gauge what is going on in her mind and whether she really is ready for marriage with you. Don't forget to make Istikhara, inshaAllah.format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
I have asked her. She get really upset that I asked and startes biting her nails or just remains quite. Then she says I love you. I asked her what she feels when she sees the guy and she says she sees him like she sees a friend. She thinks back to what they had and she laughs because she says it wasn't real love but child love. After that she said that if I ever bring it up again she isn't sure what she would do.format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
I believe that she loves me but what bothers me is that when she is upset she never tells me why. I guess it is natural for someone to still have feelings for someone else but I don't want to marry someone who isn't sure they want to marry me.
The problem is I am not sure if I am sure anymore. I can't stop thinking about her feelings and what happened. I am trying to figure out how I should settle this. I could just leave her but I do love her and don't want to do that. But if I bring it up again than she may leave me. And even if I do bring it up again I am not sure it would clear my thoughts.
Is it haram to dwell on such things? Is it wrong to end a marriage because of this?
im not saying you have no right to be concerned but i really feel for your wife. matters of the heart arent easy and its not always easy to let go of someone. That she told you about him, imo thats a nice honest thing to do, i dont know if i would have the courage to do that after even 5 years of marriage.
I understand how you feel bro. It's as if she is yours but not really yours. That can be a painful thing to fight through. I also think that as a woman, I should give you my perspective in this situation. Of course this may not be how all women feel but at least you can begin to understand some of 'us' a little more as I'm sure lots of sisters would agree with what I'm going to say. It'd be great if other sisters can add their thoughts too.format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
Frankly, all normal women yearn to be loved. And when I say 'loved', I mean she wants to be made to feel that she is the only one who matters most to that person. If she loses that person after they have made her feel like that, she will find it difficult to move on and compare anyone who comes into her life to that person ( perhaps some men do the same?). If they don't match up, she will hanker after that feeling that she had felt previously which will remind her of that person constantly. BUT! If she finds herself with someone who will love her and make her feel equally loved, if not more, she can and will forget the love she lost and let herself be totally consumed by what she has at present. How the new person in her life makes her feel is up to them and their understanding of women and the affairs of their hearts.
I'm going to be extra nice (lol) and give you a few tips.
1. A woman doesn't like her husband staring at other women. No matter how much love you show her, if she sees you doing this, she will feel she isn't good enough and that you find other women attractive. Of course you do, but she doesn't have to know that does she?
2. A woman never tires of being shown she is loved. If she, for a while feels your love is diminishing, or there is a change in your normal behavior towards her, all hell breaks loose in her head. Negative thoughts creep in and she begins wondering if you are losing interest in her. I'm aware that there are times a person just isn't feeling very expressive for many reasons, but that's the time to then share whatever is bothering you and adding something like you are happy to have her in your life. These few words will be of great comfort to her if she has begun to feel unloved. And will remind her that your relationship is solid.
3. The worst thing.. and I stress, the worst thing to do is hold back feelings of love. Some men hold back from expressing themselves in their words and actions as they think the woman will get spoilt and take advantage of their being so nice to her. I remember my ex husband telling me that the reason he didn't cook was in case I totally stopped doing the cooking as a result of it. I found it sad that he thought me to be like this, especially as I'd still stand in the kitchen to help him anyway. To me it felt as if he is holding back from giving himself to me totally. If you love someone, you want to do things for them and should do things for them without considering it might make them take you for granted.
4. A woman likes to be asked how she is and how her day was. If she is tired/sick, she likes to be asked if she'd like a cuppa (or whatever) and if she has had any food/medication etc. She wants you to take genuine (not formal) interest in her as a person who matters to you. If she is ill and you go out, ask her how she is as soon as you get back and ask her if she has eaten.. if she hasn't offer to cook or get a take-away. Don't 'forget' she is not feeling great. And believe me, she may not say it but it will hurt her if you don't do these things. This is what she expects from you.
(And yes, I am feeling rather silly saying all this, but I'm telling myself it's all for a good cause.) lol
5. Love and respect, are her main emotional needs (and women are emotional beings). If you fulfill these things, she can cope with just about every thing else that may be lacking (for instance money). And I am so certain that provided you do not neglect these two aspects of togetherness, she will wholeheartedly be yours forever. She will feel fulfilled and complete. If you give yourself to her fully, there will be no place left in her heart for anyone else. No matter how much someone had loved her before, your passionate and all consuming love will wipe away all memories (like formatting her heart and installing a new version of love) to make her heart beat with love for you alone.
It's gotten painfully embarrassing to continue now lol! I hope what I've said has given you a little insight into a woman's heart. You can search your own heart to see if you have it in you to love her like that. I also hope I wasn't wrong in saying that in mose cases, this is how women are.
*hopes for some input from other sisters* please..
Last edited by Snowflake; 03-18-2009 at 10:14 PM.
I really appreciate your insight sister. It is very helpful hearing things from the other side. I would say men are the same. We want to feel that we are loved and appreciated as well. Sometime hearing I love you helps faciliate those feelings. With her I am always the one that has to start it or say it before she does. It's kind of like a reaction for her. Occasionally she says it.
Just now it really reached a boil. She had an argument with her mother and then told her what if she didn't want to get married with me. She then told me this. Why she told me I don't know but when I asked her why she said this she said she was upset with her mother. Then as she was about to hang up the phone she said good night. For some reason I didn't say I Love You and she got really upset. She asked me if I forgot to say anything. I realized what I didn't say and told her I loved her. She didn't want to hear it and hung up. Why I didn't say it I have no idea but I am also thinking why couldn't she say it.
I know this all sounds so childish but it really is starting to drain on me. This place has been a good outlet for me. Tomorrow I will have to have a real talk with her.
I think you should just have it out with her. Her silences and sadness, point to the fact that she may be two-minded about this marriage. I'm not sure, but could what she said above, be a hint of what she may be thinking? Allahu alim bro. Are you making istikhara? I don't know how much our input can go towards helping you. But, I know for sure that Allah's guidence will help you all the way. Please, make istikhara. Allah knows if this marriage is good for you in the long-term or not. If not, the pain you will face by losing her, will be far less than what you could end up with by marrying her. You have a strong reason to make istikhara. Please do it and be brave whatever the outcome. Allah will do what is best for you. Rest assured.then told her what if she didn't want to get married with me. She then told me this. Why she told me I don't know
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