I am very scared and I feel like I might make the biggest mistake in my life in a few months..I have been seeing a guy for the past year and we are madly in love most of the time...he met my parents..i met his and we decided to get married this upcoming year..But we also constantly fight about everything..we never agree on anything when we r arguing..our personalities are just sooo opposite at times and when we r not arguing he is the most amazing, the sweetest, funniest and the most loving person ever. he did admit he has anger and trust issues but wants to work on it with my help..he works alot and that stresses him out so he calls me everytime and expects me to make him feel better and be sweet and answer the phone everytime..otherwise he accuses me of not caring about him and loving him and he always accuses me of wanting to be with someone else! He breaks up with me and says I broke his heart and later cries and tells me to forgive him coz he didn't mean anything he said and he doesn't even remember what we fought about..He tells me he doesn't trust me at all then later appologizes and tells me not to listen to anything he says when he is mad coz he is not himself! He is too clingy and sensitive to every little word I say...He expects me to be perfect and sweet everytime like I am his wife already.I truly know he loves me more than anything else and he always puts me first in his life and that puts alot of pressure on me, he has alot of issues when he gets mad or feels uncared for...Being with him is ALOT OF pressure and burden and I don't know if he would change...I love him more than anything else but just don't want soo much pressure, ressentment and jealousy in my life..Part of me is so deeply in love with him and wants to marry him and the other part is just sooo terrified and confused. Please help...
wa alaykum us-Salaam.
pray istikhara sis. dont lead him on. if you're not meant to be together, then end it asap so that you can both move on asap.
p.s if you do break up, since you are so madly in love with one another, just stay away from each other and dont let shaytaan entice you into further sinning. just end it and make utmost effort to stay away from each other and move on
Last edited by Ummu Sufyaan; 10-17-2009 at 08:42 AM.
...desperate for husnul-khitaam...
please make dua that Allah grants me a good end (to my life). please make dua that Allah guides me.
you must explain in detail how he treats you when you two fight so we can advise you on the right path inshaAllah to prevent you from making the biggest mistake and being trapped with this person. When he fights dose he abuse you? Use vulgar language? You said that he has anger and jealousy issues. Sister you need to think twice okay. This is no joke. Anger is a disease that so many people just cannot control and can possibly get worse once he marries you. Its always the same. Hes sweetning you up now because he sounds possesive and these people always change after marriage. There behaviour gets worse the jealousy gets more intense and leads to extreme anger because once he marries you your his property thats it! Just forget about love! Fighting with ur fiance is not love ok sister please try to put this in your head and keep on saying that to yourself! This is far from love. You already stated that both of yous have totally different personalities. The two of yous might not be compatiable at all. Please dont be niave. Pray istikhara and dont speak with him or SEE HIM until you have it answered!
you must explain in detail how he treats you when you two fight so we can advise you on the right path inshaAllah to prevent you from making the biggest mistake and being trapped with this person. When he fights dose he abuse you? Use vulgar language?
well most of the time he gets mad about me not being there for him as much as he is there for me...like I don't care for him as much as he does or I don't show it often like maybe not answering his calls sometimes or not talking to him in a sweet way! Sometimes he gets mad coz I stay late studying at the campus library..he says he is worried about my safety but I know for sure he is suspicious of me and thinks I maybe hooking up with other guys SubhanaALlah..he did accuse me of that alot of times he just never seems to trust me...WHen he is mad he makes all these false accusations about me and how I destroyed his life when all he wanted to do was love me and marry me..he doesn't use any other bad words but just acts all hurt and betrayed. It is just sickening...I always feel guilty when I shouldn't and that kills me..
A sad fact of life many young people do not believe
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
salaam Alaykum
I am very scared and I feel like I might make the biggest mistake in my life in a few months..I have been seeing a guy for the past year and we are madly in love most of the time...he met my parents..i met his and we decided to get married this upcoming year..But we also constantly fight about everything..we never agree on anything when we r arguing..our personalities are just sooo opposite at times and when we r not arguing he is the most amazing, the sweetest, funniest and the most loving person ever. he did admit he has anger and trust issues but wants to work on it with my help..he works alot and that stresses him out so he calls me everytime and expects me to make him feel better and be sweet and answer the phone everytime..otherwise he accuses me of not caring about him and loving him and he always accuses me of wanting to be with someone else! He breaks up with me and says I broke his heart and later cries and tells me to forgive him coz he didn't mean anything he said and he doesn't even remember what we fought about..He tells me he doesn't trust me at all then later appologizes and tells me not to listen to anything he says when he is mad coz he is not himself! He is too clingy and sensitive to every little word I say...He expects me to be perfect and sweet everytime like I am his wife already.I truly know he loves me more than anything else and he always puts me first in his life and that puts alot of pressure on me, he has alot of issues when he gets mad or feels uncared for...Being with him is ALOT OF pressure and burden and I don't know if he would change...I love him more than anything else but just don't want soo much pressure, ressentment and jealousy in my life..Part of me is so deeply in love with him and wants to marry him and the other part is just sooo terrified and confused. Please help...
Stop and think, if he did change, he would no longer be the person you now believe you love. If you feel he needs to change, then the reality is:
A sad fact of life many young people do not believe
Stop and think, if he did change, he would no longer be the person you now believe you love. If you feel he needs to change, then the reality is:
What ever it is you feel now, is not love.
Well we get along most of the time but we still do fight and get over it because most of the fights are just stupid mostly over nothing...the truth is his behavior was not that big of a deal to me in the first 8months and I felt like we just had soo much love to overcome it and we did everytime...except this last fight we had I feel like it all of the sudden brought all the fights we ever had to my attention and for the first time I am questioning whether I want to be with him or not.I never doubted my love for him before. I know he loves me..I really do but I also feel like he needs help/therapy. He had a tough life where his own family picked on him and ex-girlfriends cheated on him..well that is what he tell me anyway..he tells me he has a hard time trusting people because of his life experiences..part of me thinks prayers and therapy can eliminate that part of him so only his loving part can shine! I really do love this guy
I did post a more detailed version of this post 3days ago but I just can't seem to find it...I hope the info I added is helpful enough for you guys to give me some more advice...JazakalaAllah khayr for all that already replied to my post...I am hoping for more thanks
salaaaam
Ask him whether this is the way 2 people can maintain a long term relationship.
That although you care about him it is necesary for both of you to review the situation / relationship as it stands and take steps to overcomming these petty arguments.
Its often a good idea to take baby steps towards a greater goal / objective.
Try to find the root of the problems.
He already admitted he has a problem trusting people from past experience.
He needs to work on this as a starting point and to question whether it is a sound premise / assumption to have about all people / the person he intends to marry.
If he is a reasonable individual he will understand that it is something you'll both have to work on hard.
If he can undertsand that then you'll be on your way to overcomming this hurdle.
If he cant appreciate your point then you would definitly need to ask yourself / each other whether marriage is a viable option in the circumstances.
Ask him whether this is the way 2 people can maintain a long term relationship.
That although you care about him it is necesary for both of you to review the situation / relationship as it stands and take steps to overcomming these petty arguments.
Its often a good idea to take baby steps towards a greater goal / objective.
Try to find the root of the problems.
He already admitted he has a problem trusting people from past experience.
He needs to work on this as a starting point and to question whether it is a sound premise / assumption to have about all people / the person he intends to marry.
If he is a reasonable individual he will understand that it is something you'll both have to work on hard.
If he can undertsand that then you'll be on your way to overcomming this hurdle.
If he cant appreciate your point then you would definitly need to ask yourself / each other whether marriage is a viable option in the circumstances.
I hope that helps.
OOH SubhaAllah thanks soo much..you are the first person yet to actually give me hope in this...99% of the people I asked just said people don't change and it only gets worst when you marry them..it is nice to know there is still something I can work with..something I could fix..Thanks so much
How many girl friends he had ?? All of them were bad but only he is good ?
Sis , take your time to think more about your marriage . I hope ,there is no such hurry in getting married . Also , before marriage , don't spend time with him in private .
Christ will never be proud to reject to be a slave to God .....holy Quran, chapter Women , 4: 172
How many girl friends he had ?? All of them were bad but only he is good ?
Sis , take your time to think more about your marriage . I hope ,there is no such hurry in getting married . Also , before marriage , don't spend time with him in private .
agree. this might be a clear sign that this guy is not right for at all
How many girl friends he had ?? All of them were bad but only he is good ?
Sis , take your time to think more about your marriage . I hope ,there is no such hurry in getting married . Also , before marriage , don't spend time with him in private .
Good post
It is vital the relationship be kept halal. The second a couple meets privately, Shaytan will join in as a third party.
Well we get along most of the time but we still do fight and get over it because most of the fights are just stupid mostly over nothing...the truth is his behavior was not that big of a deal to me in the first 8months and I felt like we just had soo much love to overcome it and we did everytime...except this last fight we had I feel like it all of the sudden brought all the fights we ever had to my attention and for the first time I am questioning whether I want to be with him or not.I never doubted my love for him before. I know he loves me..I really do but I also feel like he needs help/therapy. He had a tough life where his own family picked on him and ex-girlfriends cheated on him..well that is what he tell me anyway..he tells me he has a hard time trusting people because of his life experiences..part of me thinks prayers and therapy can eliminate that part of him so only his loving part can shine! I really do love this guy
but his behaviour sounds to possessive sister really it dose not sound loving and caring to me. if he loved you he would TRUST YOU and not make you feel bad. if you love a person you want to make them happy. you avoid fighting as much as possibly do not be so blinded by love that you think a person of this character can change. if you marry this guy he will make you feel worthless after a while. he will dominate you i guarantee you that and then you will come back to this forum again and you will say do you know what everyone here was right i should have listened to them but by then you will have so much low self esteem because thats how these mentally obsessed crazed men work they take your self worth away from you so you will not leave them because he will dominate you.
There is a cohesive substance called "Marriage" which bonds relationships and provides a foundation under which the relationship will grow and allows one to stay committed during troubled times.
I have seen it many times were two couples get together before marriage, and because they are not married they are very insecure because either of them can walk out when the **** hits the fan. This leads to mind games and such which can break a person.
Sister I think it would be best for you to get married ASAP or agree in some way to not see each other till your married so it's all Halal and there will be Baraqah in the relationship Insha'Allah
In my opinion, I feel that the guy has a sense of gheerah. That is a good thing, but it has to be balanced. Also, it is a huge sin to accuse a chaste woman of zina as he should know. He should not generalize everyone by judging them to other people he has met.
If everyone he met seems to be bad to him, then it may be something in him that is wrong. Allaah knows best.
I would pray the istikharah and seek istisharah as well. You need to think rationally. Try and I stress 'try' to keep your emotions away from your decision.
My advice to you is that people CAN change, but they have to do it for Allaah. If he does it for you, then the moment you make him angry all that goes out the window. He must do it for Allaah. I also advise you to sit and talk to him seriously. Tell him what bothers you. Ask him why he feels the way he feels. You both have to compromise.
I do agree that jealousy and anger is a bad coombination if not channelled correctly for the sake of Allaah. I had a similar issue. I recommend him taking anger management, being around brothers whom he would naturally pick up some of their good akhlaaq.
I will tell you that if you really want to marry this guy then you will do everything that you can to make the right decision, avoid the haraam, and leave the decision to Allaah. Remember HE, Allaah, knows what is BEST for you.
by then you will have so much low self esteem because thats how these mentally obsessed crazed men work they take your self worth away from you so you will not leave them because he will dominate you.
SubhanaAllah sis I am kind of starting to feel that way already...for some reason I kept blaming myself for everything in the beginning...I even got to a point where I doubted myself and thought I was the bad person not him and he was doing all he could to make the relationship work...he is just sooo convincing and he knows how to act really hurt and disappointed..he cries too! But now he admitted he is the one who is messing everything up so he told me to take charge and decide how everything is gonna go in the relationship..
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Sometimes he gets mad coz I stay late studying at the campus library..he says he is worried about my safety but I know for sure he is suspicious of me and thinks I maybe hooking up with other guys SubhanaALlah..he did accuse me of that alot of times
All of them were bad but only he is good ?
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