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  1. #1
    AnonymousPoster's Avatar
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    Should have, could have, would have...

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    As I get older I see more and more young muslimahs growing in their obsession to be married, to date, to do this and that. I remember being that age and obsessing about that stuff. Oh how silly I was.

    Often these girls have parents who warn them, who tell them to stay away from the boys, to focus on school and family. Some girls listen, others dont. I didnt. Many other girls I knew didnt either.
    I used to go to a sunday school with 4 close friends. We learned to pray and all that other stuff together. Of course we would giggle about boys after.

    Miriam was the smartest one of all of us but we didint know it then. She stayed away from the boys and focused on her studies. She is married now, has children and a part time career doing something she loves.

    Summaya flirted a lot with the boys but she never got the attention she so badly wanted. Looking back, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that her father pretty much ignored she even existed until she reached a marriageable age. Summaya said yes to the first man who really paid attention to her. I never heard from her again after that. Neither did most of her family. People said he forced her to cut off all ties.

    Then there was Hafiza. She was beautiful. When she walked into a room, she was one of those people you had to stare at. The boys and men hounded her. She dated a few. Her studies were left by the wayside and she focused on who would be her "future husband." Eventually she met a good guy who she really fell hard for. He was the whole package. Pious, handsome, ambitious and respectable. A couple months before their wedding, Hafiza's former flame broke into her flat and attacked her.
    There was no wedding. Hafiza was sent to live with her grandmother in Lebanon. Never heard from her again either.

    Last was myself. I had stayed away from the boys for a long time but at one point one convinced me to speak to him. I did, stupidly thinking he really cared. My parents found out and forbade me from ever speaking to him again. I did it behind their back. I kick myself still when I think about how I thought they wanted me to be miserable. How stupid of me to think that. My naiveté didnt let me see that they were protecting me.
    I spent four years on this man. He got engaged and married during those four years. I had no idea because I lived far from him and I never told anyone about him. I found eventually and the pain was almost unbearable. So unbearable to me that I said yes to a proposal from a man 15 years my senior and not at all someone I felt a single thing for. I never did and eventually our marriage fell apart to the point of no return.
    I remarried, and am thankful for what I have now. I still think about what I could have done, what I should have done what I would have done had I realized my stupidity.



    Why am I telling you this story? Well, I read a story recently about a girl who recently died after being murdered on her way to meet with some friends.
    The man who married her was her ex boyfriend who was jealous of her new boyfriend.

    Am I trying to scare the girls here from dating? No. Only trying to make you understand why your parents tell you not to date, tell you stay away from the boys. This is one of the many reasons why there are guidelines to a proper Islamic courtship.

    It is to protect you. To protect you honor. Your respectability. Your reputation. Your heart.

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  3. #2
    markislam's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    alhamdulilah interesting post and one of the best i ever seen here

  4. #3
    Muhammad's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...



    Jazakallaahu khayran for sharing this important lesson. May Allaah (swt) give all Muslims the ability to take heed from it, Aameen.
    Should have, could have, would have...




  5. #4
    Cabdullahi's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    masha allah!! such a nice story....i wonder who could the poster be but that is not necessary at the end of the day.

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    جوري's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    I'd like to rep you OP.
    and I have read of the story of that very young lady on this forum, it is devastating .. problem is when a person has their surge of teenage emotions, they don't know how to distinguish between physiological reactions and hormones naturally occurring in their body to prepare them for future events vs. 'love' so they often don't heed the advice and sadly they think that no one understands them because no one else felt this way.. but there is a reason that Allah swt mentions and repeatedly in the Quran whether or not we can restrain ourselves from our lowly desires and Chanel them into proper avenues..

    The real problem isn't in having feelings or growing.. it is how our society handles it with shame and rebuke instead of understanding and communication. And I find that sad.. my own parents were so strict that every attempt I had made to have a 'life' was so futile.. and the end result was extreme isolation (which I don't agree with at all) .. what I did from that was Chanel all my frustrations and anger toward studying and bouts upon bouts of anxiety which I never fully recovered from..

    I hope a better system that enables folks to have better communication with their family, and spiritual leaders is set up so that one doesn't swerve between extremes but establishes a pious righteous life with a good balance and a hopeful outcome..

    Should have, could have, would have...

    Text without context is pretext
    If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him


  8. #6
    CosmicPathos's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    interesting. I guess since I was the eldest among siblings, I killed my own nafs and emotions to live for others? The good thing is that I do not get anxiety attacks. depression though? definitely.

    Good read though.
    Should have, could have, would have...

    Help me to escape from this existence
    I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
    I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
    In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed

  9. #7
    Asiyah3's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    SubhaanAllah. May Allah reward you for trying to give a lesson to others. I wish girls would take heed of it.

  10. #8
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    Quote Originally Posted by Gossamer skye View Post
    I'd like to rep you OP.
    and I have read of the story of that very young lady on this forum, it is devastating .. problem is when a person has their surge of teenage emotions, they don't know how to distinguish between physiological reactions and hormones naturally occurring in their body to prepare them for future events vs. 'love' so they often don't heed the advice and sadly they think that no one understands them because no one else felt this way.. but there is a reason that Allah swt mentions and repeatedly in the Quran whether or not we can restrain ourselves from our lowly desires and Chanel them into proper avenues..

    The real problem isn't in having feelings or growing.. it is how our society handles it with shame and rebuke instead of understanding and communication. And I find that sad.. my own parents were so strict that every attempt I had made to have a 'life' was so futile.. and the end result was extreme isolation (which I don't agree with at all) .. what I did from that was Chanel all my frustrations and anger toward studying and bouts upon bouts of anxiety which I never fully recovered from..

    I hope a better system that enables folks to have better communication with their family, and spiritual leaders is set up so that one doesn't swerve between extremes but establishes a pious righteous life with a good balance and a hopeful outcome..

    Went through much of the same as you sister. Lots of frustration and anxiety. Eventually I asked my parents if the three of us could meet with an Imam that we were related to to discuss the issue of my "freedom" so to speak.

    It made things a whole lot better but I wasnt allowed to go completely out there, those years were tough because growing up in the west you think that the other people are having fun and you are not.
    Now in uni, I feel thankful for my parents reaching that good balance you spoke of in your post, because it helped me see why I shouldnt do things or go certain places.

  11. #9
    Life_Is_Short's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    A better person is he who learns from others mistakes. Jazak'Allah khairun for this.

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    Ummu Sufyaan's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...


    may Allah protect our youth. beautiful reminder.
    it extremely saddens me when i hear stories like this. *not being judgmental or anything* but the worst thing is you look at the family, and you cant help but think "can you really blame these youth." Muslim families need to get the family dynamics sorted! Islam is become a culture for so many people. you wear the hijab, grow your beard because this is what you see others in your family doing. heck for some, they dont even have this luxury...they dont care about the deen, they dont care that their kids go astray in a god-less environment..."when you are in Rome, do like the Romans" that's the way they think =(...and yet they are so oblivious to the consequences. unfortunately in this environment, you tend to not really grasp the concept of Islam and its teachings because you haven't really studied it...as i said its just a culture...theres nothing really rooted in you to keep up with islam other than what they see others doing...so when a temptation like this comes a long or you move from an Islamic (read: Muslim) culture, chances are you arent going to adhere to your culture...its like those people who were born and raised in an Islamic country, but when they come to the west, you see them changing their names, etc. why? because they haven't really grasped the concepts of Islam. that's one issue...another issue is that no one really listens to their kids. of course i dont mean any disrespect for our parents, but some people who raise their kids, seem have this mentality that no matter what, their kids will listen to them because this is how they were raised...in other words, old habits die hard...no-one takes into consideration that it takes a whole society to raise a child. back home you can do whatever you want, because everyone thinks and acts the same. if you shout at your kids for getting out of line, the kid will think this is ok because everyone shouts at their kids...back home, the parents shout at their kids, the kid goes to his friend complain, his friend tells him "yep, what you done was way off" in a society where you have other options and the majority of people dont obey or listen to their parents...there is no guess for whats bound to happen. a lot of parents are innocent, they think that since they were so good mannered, innocent and naive, then their child is going to grow up the same, even in a god-less society! people really need to communicate with their kids, seriously

    and lets not forget the one-sided beyond words sexist rubbish that seems to exist in a lot of our cultures. women/girls dont get listened or cared for properly, end of story! boys can have girlfriends, but sisters cant have boyfriends...im in no way saying that premarital relationships are cool and are to be encouraged, not at all. but when people see that they aren't being listened to, and even worse coming off second best to their own siblings...well i'll just say, its a disaster in the making.

    since i haven't yapped on enough i have one other thing to add, brothers and sisters, please pick out your friends carefully. its ok to talk about marriage and all, but do realize that there are boundaries i.e anything *even with the intention of marriage* out of the bounds of what Allah and his rasool sallalahu aleyhi wa sallam told you to stay away from, they aren't kidding, stay away from it. it is there for a reason. <---something else families need to teach their kids: know which people you should be around and befriend. just because you are teenagers at college, doesn't mean you are mature and grown up-i hate to break it to you, but you are far from it. you are like infants, only of a different kind. when you befriend people, you pretty much all have the same mindset...birds of a feather flock together...so if you're sitting there yapping about about what you yap on about, you're not really going to know where you are going wrong or what you should avoid... the blind lead the blind so this also all needs to be taught beforehand =(

    p.s please forgive me if i've said anything out of line.



    and I have read of the story of that very young lady on this forum, it is devastating .. problem is when a person has their surge of teenage emotions, they don't know how to distinguish between physiological reactions and hormones naturally occurring in their body to prepare them for future events vs. 'love' so they often don't heed the advice and sadly they think that no one understands them because no one else felt this way.. but there is a reason that Allah swt mentions and repeatedly in the Quran whether or not we can restrain ourselves from our lowly desires and Chanel them into proper avenues..

    The real problem isn't in having feelings or growing.. it is how our society handles it with shame and rebuke instead of understanding and communication. And I find that sad.. my own parents were so strict that every attempt I had made to have a 'life' was so futile.. and the end result was extreme isolation (which I don't agree with at all) .. what I did from that was Chanel all my frustrations and anger toward studying and bouts upon bouts of anxiety which I never fully recovered from..

    I hope a better system that enables folks to have better communication with their family, and spiritual leaders is set up so that one doesn't swerve between extremes but establishes a pious righteous life with a good balance and a hopeful outcome..
    that too
    Last edited by Ummu Sufyaan; 02-07-2010 at 09:20 AM.
    Should have, could have, would have...

    ...desperate for husnul-khitaam...


    please make dua that Allah grants me a good end (to my life). please make dua that Allah guides me.


  14. #11
    The Ruler's Avatar
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    Re: Should have, could have, would have...

    Quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender View Post
    As I get older I see more and more young muslimahs growing in their obsession to be married, to date, to do this and that. I remember being that age and obsessing about that stuff.
    You know, I didn't know to what extent muslimahs wanting to marry/date was prevalent until I browsed through a few of the posts in this section.
    I think it's a result of low self-confidence. You love yourself, you need not the love of another man.

    ... Until marriage approaches you, obviously (not vice versa).

    I don't want to elaborate as this is not the thread to do so; and I don't think it's necessary anyway.
    Should have, could have, would have...




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