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abusive husband

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    nessaa's Avatar Limited Member
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    Exclamation abusive husband

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    I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
    When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
    He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
    Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
    I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.

    My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.
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    Re: abusive husband

    Your family was wrong to force you to marry against your will. This is unislamic and you probably could get your marriage annuled on this basis alone. As for them not being supportive, they should fear Allah for the injustice they are doing against you. Do not worry about what they say or care, I don't know how abuse your husband has gotten but the best thing to do is talk to an imam or scholar (you can ask at www.fatwa-online.com or i can get you in touch with someone).

    here's a bit similar situation in which the scholar recommended divorce.
    The husband should realize that he is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. Allaah has enjoined upon him to treat them in a good and proper manner and to treat his family kindly. Our Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one who is best towards his wife, and I am the best of you towards my wives.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 3314). Part of that good and kind treatment means not beating one’s wife in a severe manner and not insulting or cursing her. He should realize that this is a violation of the trust with which Allaah has entrusted him.

    More @ http://islamqa.com/en/ref/13803
    Last edited by islamirama; 03-24-2010 at 09:25 PM.
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by nessaa View Post
    I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
    When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
    He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
    Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
    I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.

    My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.

    I am really sorry for you sister. that's always the problem when parents force their daughter to marry someone she dosen't love to marry him. But now, as things are done, it's useless to talk about the causes, and try to find solutions is better. But I can't tell you what to do, because I'm not a scholar, besides as you have children, this can be more difficult. Try to ask some Imam or scholar, may be he tell you what's the best solution.
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by nessaa View Post
    I went back to pakistan to get married, and its been nearly three years we have no children.
    When i was in pakistan everything was fine, i really didnt want to get married as i was only 19 and was in university howvere i was not allowed to return to the UK unless i did. my parents chose him and i agreed as i had no choice. however, i thought i will make this marriage work no matter what. He arrived to the UK four months after and things begun to change.
    He doesnt make an effort to talk to me or ask me how i am or doesnt enjoy spending time with me. he goes to work and comes back and sleeps or goes on the internet, but he will never show me what he is doing.
    Recently he started hitting me. I have been diagnosed with depression llast year and he forces me to do things which i am reluctant to do. he manipulates me in taking all my money which i earn, and makes me return anything i buy for myself.
    I feel i dont love him, i have no feelings for him. I feel suffocated.

    My family are not being very supportive, they say everything will get better, but i think i have come to a point that i dont want things to get better i just want to be happy.

    GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR what is it with these men who believe the can beat there wives like this, he should not dare raise a hand to you................


    There is nothing in the Qur’aan that suggests that a man is allowed to hit his wife like this.

    1 – The Qur’aan enjoins good treatment of one's wife: she is to be honoured and treated kindly, even when one no longer feels love in one's heart towards her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of good”

    [al-Nisa’ 4:19]

    2 – The Qur’aan explains that women have rights over their husbands, just as their husbands have rights over them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty, All-Wise”

    [al-Baqarah 2:228]

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined kind treatment and honouring of one’s wife, and he described the best of people as those who are best to their wives. He said: “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my wives.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3895; Ibn Maajah, 1977; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.

    I'd agree with the above advice a scholar or imam is much better idea
    I hope things work out for you sister
    abusive husband

    33u7sja 1 - abusive husband

    To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
    It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
    And at the same try to stay out of trouble
    But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
    You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
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    Re: abusive husband

    Peace Mercy And Blessing of Allah be upon all of us.

    I hate it, when people change their colour.

    Sister in Islaam, have firm trust in Allah. Only he can help you.
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    Lonely Gal's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: abusive husband

    im so sorry to hear what u are going through, i can understand about parents not being supportive and always hearing the line 'it'll get better'
    although my husband has not raised his hand to me, we still have no relationship but 'everything will get better'
    this is clearly not doing u any good in health and i urge you to seek help in what action you can take.. may all ur hardships be replaced with joy.. Ameen
    Keep praying and ask for Allah swt's guidance.
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    Re: abusive husband

    if u have come to a decision or when u do, i think be firm with ur decision and let everyone what it is.. keey strong and you'l always have Allah swt to guide u and be on ur side.
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    Red face Re: abusive husband

    "And among His signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed Signs for a people who reflect (30:21)." trick 1 - abusive husband
    ABUSE IS RELATIVE

    Tayyib, abuse is relative and unfortunately, w/ the increasing of the evil characteristics of mankind...as we get closer to the yaumal-qiyaam, the creativety of various forms of emotional, mental, religious/gender abuse etc. are taking more "sophiscticated" and deviousforms lf abuse and turns for the worst.

    It is becoming more imperative that women, children and nowadays, many men increase themselves in the "practical" knowledge of islaam as well as many other forms of necessary, self preservational types of knowledge to shelter themselves and their families from all sort of abuses.

    May Allaah give all of us of His shelter and tawfeeq. Aameen.
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    Re: abusive husband

    Kick him in the balls!

    Nah, but in all seriousness, tell your family, and get a divorce. Maybe your marriage could possibly be annulled anyway as you were forced into it

    If its really bad, report him to the Authoroties as well.

    I sincerely hope your situation gets sorted and you are free from this, I feel for you.

    Peace
    Last edited by Kabeer; 03-24-2010 at 11:42 PM.
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    Re: abusive husband

    This is not a homework help or advice on troublesome family member or other silly nilly or minor issue that everyone can start giving advice and start saying give divorce or do this or do that. I know many of you would like to help but i advise you to refrain from giving your advices and opinions on this matter and other such matters in the future. These are life altering situations and complexities that can do without your wisdom. Serious matters like these need to be discussed with an Imam or scholar. We should advise the sister to be patience, know that this is haram what he is doing and she should seek guidance from the learned scholars of the ummah. That should be the extent of our consultation on major issues like these.
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    Kabeer's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by islamirama View Post
    This is not a homework help or advice on troublesome family member or other silly nilly or minor issue that everyone can start giving advice and start saying give divorce or do this or do that. I know many of you would like to help but i advise you to refrain from giving your advices and opinions on this matter and other such matters in the future. These are life altering situations and complexities that can do without your wisdom. Serious matters like these need to be discussed with an Imam or scholar. We should advise the sister to be patience, know that this is haram what he is doing and she should seek guidance from the learned scholars of the ummah. That should be the extent of our consultation on major issues like these.
    She doesnt need a scholar or an Imam to tell her that she needs to get out of this stupid situation.
    You need to use your own brain sometimes in life, it's called common sense.

    Peace
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by Kabeer View Post
    She doesnt need a scholar or an Imam to tell her that she needs to get out of this stupid situation.
    You need to use your own brain sometimes in life, it's called common sense.

    Peace
    I'm affraid you're making a quick decision. I know the situation look very hard and it's difficult for our sister to continue living this life, but
    who knows? may be Allah will make some changes in the husband's attitude and all these problems will be end. Even though I agree with your point of view, I prefer not to make decisions that may make Allah angry . I agree with brother islamirama : a learned imam or a scholar can will make a better decision.
    Last edited by marwen; 03-25-2010 at 01:01 AM.
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by marwen View Post
    I'm affraid you're making a quick decision. I know the situation look very hard and it's difficult for our sister to continue living this life, but there is also children who need a steady relationship between their parents, and who knows, may be Allah will make some changes in the husband's attitude and all these problems will be end. So, even though I agree with your point of view, I prefer not to make decisions that may make Allah angry. I agree with brother islamirama : a learned imam or a scholar can will make a better decision.
    Re-read the original post. There are NO children.
    This is a very young girl forced into this against her will, and then cruely treated.

    Be realistic rather than dreaming of some ideal situation where all the player's in her world play by Islam (since none have as of yet). Ofc she should tell the husband she will not stand for any of it, so either he changes that second or gets a divorce, it's simple as that. I don't see a single reason she should stay with him when she didn't want him in the first place and he is an ass.

    Unfortunately not all Imam's are wise, (yes most are, but still why chance it when logic is slapping you in the face)

    Peace
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by Kabeer View Post
    Re-read the original post. There are NO children.
    Peace
    yes, I'm sorry, I think I read the first lines quickly so I misunderstood this part. though it's slightly better they haven't children in common, but anyway, I told you I agree with your point of view, I mean what kind of husband is that? But our duty here me and you is just to tell about our point of view, but neither to fix solutions, nor to make decision for people. You know that's people's life, and it's very dangerous to make decisions in their place.
    I want you just to understand that some decisions are to be made only by the concerned people : no one will decide for you the partner you will be married with, and no one will decide for you if you have to make divorce or not, only learned people are able to give the right advice. I don't say that you are not learned in islam, but unless have not the duty of an Imam or a mufti, you cannot give a final decision.

    assalamu alaykom.
    Last edited by marwen; 03-25-2010 at 01:02 AM.
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    Re: abusive husband


    go see a reliable shiekh about your situation and above all make dua.
    may allah ease your burdens.

    *in general*i just dont understand how fathers/families can give their daughters away to jerks.
    Last edited by Ummu Sufyaan; 03-25-2010 at 01:12 AM.
    abusive husband

    ...desperate for husnul-khitaam...


    please make dua that Allah grants me a good end (to my life). please make dua that Allah guides me.

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    Unhappy Re: abusive husband

    Thank you for the replies everyone. as many of you have suggested is to see a scholar, which i alread have. He advised a temporary seperation, however how is this possiable? when i asked my sister if i could stay in her house she told me i was being silly. there is no one that can help me.

    And how can I leave my home and go to a hostal or somthing, it would make the situation worse, everyone will class me as the one at fault. i know it shouldnt matter what people think. but it really does, especially your family.

    As for me and my husband things have got worse he isnt speaking to me because i didnt cook him what he wanted. he is so manupilative that he makes me feel its my fault.

    I cry when i write this because i pray for strength to help me get over this situation yet ive been praying for 3yrs and not much has changed
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by nessaa View Post
    Thank you for the replies everyone. as many of you have suggested is to see a scholar, which i alread have. He advised a temporary seperation, however how is this possiable? when i asked my sister if i could stay in her house she told me i was being silly. there is no one that can help me.

    And how can I leave my home and go to a hostal or somthing, it would make the situation worse, everyone will class me as the one at fault. i know it shouldnt matter what people think. but it really does, especially your family.
    dont you have another sibling an auntie?

    As for me and my husband things have got worse he isnt speaking to me because i didnt cook him what he wanted. he is so manupilative that he makes me feel its my fault.
    if you know you haven't done anything wrong, dont take a bar of it. some people can be so "slimey" and will blame others for their own flaws and mishaps. in other words they like to dump the blame on someone else. the minute they see you falling for it, they will take more advantage of you.
    abusive husband

    ...desperate for husnul-khitaam...


    please make dua that Allah grants me a good end (to my life). please make dua that Allah guides me.

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    Re: abusive husband

    it is very common for the man to make the mrs feel guilty, been there and got the trophy. he does wrong but then still has a smart way of making it out that he's the victim in everything.
    i really feel for you and hope u gain the strength to get tru this...
    just remember u are not doing wrong.. keep telling urself over and over if u have to.. u are not the guilty one, you are the innocent victim..
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    Re: abusive husband

    i dont think the marriage was a mistake but the asshole who they choose for her was a mistake. was it some one from with in there own relatives sister or outside of the family?
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    Re: abusive husband

    format_quote Originally Posted by cat eyes View Post
    i dont think the marriage was a mistake but the asshole who they choose for her was a mistake. was it some one from with in there own relatives sister or outside of the family?
    From what i've seen, if your husband is related to you in some way, or are good friends with your parents/family, they tend to be abusive. Then again Pakistani husbands are abusive... grrrrr makes me angry. I'm pakistani too Inshallah i won't be a bad person like this sisters' husband.

    Sister nessaa
    I think you should maybe seperate from your husband for a while, although i've seen this happened with a lot of people i know (wife leaves away for a while, husband becomes nice and brings her back) and then he acts like his usual self again, but it won't hurt to give it a go. If it doesn't work out even after that, you may want to speak with the scholar again and possible think about getting your marriage annuled or a divorce, as you say it's been three years and he's been making it bad for you. I hope things work out for you in the end Inshallah, have strength and don't give in to this tyrant, if he beats you it only shows what kind of a coward he really is.
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