format_quote Originally Posted by
Manda
Asalaamu Alaikum, I am a new sister in Islam, and I am currently living with my parents. I am 35 yrs old, and recently married, but my husband is out of the state right now. I have been living with my parents for almost a year, and in the last few months have opened my heart to Islam. My parents are devout Christians, they are Pentecostal, and are true believers in their religion. Growing up, they weren't as active in the church as they are now. I never claimed to be a Christian, and in their beliefs, they do not force it others, they believe you are supposed to seek salvation, not be born into it. I have been able to 'reach out' to my mom, and she knows I have married a Muslim, and had a Muslim marriage, which she accepts as valid. But my dad, has said outright that Islam is "a false religion". I have educated my mom a bit, on the realities and practice of Islam, and tried to reverse some of the typical American prejudices, but she still hopes I will find salvation in Jesus. I don't want to disrespect their home, but I cannot compromise my beliefs. Should I keep quiet, when I disagree with their ideas, out of respect? I won't go so far as to allow them to disrespect how I believe, but I am afraid this will cause a separation between me & my family.
Asalaamu Alaikum, My dear sister welcome to the forum and congratulations on becoming a Muslim. How wonderful it is that Allah has given you guidance to the truth out of so many other people. For he guides whoever he wants.
One of the biggest challenges that reverts to Islam face is telling their families particularly their parents about their reversion. It is not easy for a non Muslim parents to accept that their son/daughter has accepted another religion particulalry Islam which from their perspective as all they may know of it is what they see or hear in the media or other people unless they have researched it properly for themselves. Also change is never easy to accept.
Therefore be patient with your parents and understand that it may not be so easy for them to adapt to such a changes straight away. They clearly have misconceptions about Islam which you will also need to address but do so gradually and in a gentle and beautiful manner using wisdom and tact.
Here are some points to help you:
1. If your parents ever say anything harsh or offensive about Islam then just understand that they do not know the truth about it and so just reply back in a gentle and polite manner and correct them on their misconception. If they are clearly angry and you know that ieven if you try to correct them in a polite manner that they will just get even more angry then it is best to avoid such a situation and not say anything. Then when you know they are in a decent mood you can just bring it up but never let the discussion get heated up in anyway just keep it light and tell them good things about Islam.
2. The best and most effective way your parents will see the good in Islam is if they start to see an overall good change in you in terms of your behaviour, improved manners, more respect, never raise your voice to them and show an exemplery character. When they see these changes then they will realise that Islam has made you into an even better person. You should also mention to them whenever you find the opportunity that Islam teaches good manners good character to be humble, generous, kind, compassionate and considerate etc etc. You should also mention that the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him) taught these things aswell as Allah in the Qur'an. You can give these little bite size examples whenever you feel is the right time and slowly and gradually they will see the good in Islam.
3. Whenever they try to tell you about Jesus wanting to save you then again do not get into a debate with them but if you feel the time was right then clarify Islam's position in terms of Jesus and his message but do not mock their beliefs for this would only cause them to be angry. Don't refute their faith but slowly and gradually show them the goodness of Islam and prove to them that it is the truth. This will take time but gradually if you continuously show patience and do it in bite size pieces and pick the right times when you know their moods are good then whatever you say will be effective. But attacking their faith back will only get them to become defensive. Do not become defensive if they say anything about Islam which is rude or offensive but merely clarify and correct them in a gentle tone and manner and always use wisdom and tact in every approach.
If you continue with this approach you will see good results very soon inshallah. Be the best towards your parents and show them much love and honour. At the same time tell them how much Islam honours parents. Everything good you do then do it for the pleasure of Allah. Rely upon Allah and trust in him. Put your hopes and faith in him ALWAYS and through everything in life and you will NEVER feel let down. If he tests you then he ONLY wants good for you for hardships and adversity are blessings in disguise.
I have pasted below an article on honouring parents which you can learn and take from and gradually tell them Islam's position in terms of how much status and honour parents have:
Showing Kindness to one's Parents
To be obedient and to show kindness to parents has been enjoined in the Holy Quran in such a manner as to say that among the noble deeds, to obey parents, treat them respectfully and to show kindness to them is next to worshipping Almighty Allah.
In the Qur'an, Allah asks Muslims to show kindness to their parents and forbids them from making even the smallest gesture or uttering even the smallest word of reproach to them.
No impatience, disrespect, or contempt may be shown to parents.
The Holy Quran says, "Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor." - Surah Al Isra (17:23).
Allah says in the Qur'an what means,
[And your Lord has commanded that you shall not serve any but Him, and goodness to your parents. If either or both of them reach old age with you, say not to them (so much as) "ugh," nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word. And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord, bestow on them Your mercy even as they cherished me in childhood."]
(Al-Israa' 17:23-24)
The metaphorical use of the word "wing" calls to one's mind the way in which birds tenderly and gently lower their wings for their offspring.
The reason for the necessity of showing compassion toward parents is also given in the verse that reminds Muslims that their parents, and particularly the mother, suffered and sacrificed for them when they were young, weak, and totally dependent.
Allah says in the Qur'an,
[And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show gratitude to Me and to your parents: to Me is (your final) Goal.]
(Luqman 31:34)
According to Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the parents of a certain person are his Heaven or Hell. What this means is that if a person obeys his parents, attends to their needs and keeps them happy and comfortable, he will attain Paradise. On the other hand, if he is disrespectful and rude to them, offends them by ignoring their needs and feelings or causes them grief in any manner, his place shall be in Hell.
The stricture ordained by Islam makes it clear that shrugging off the responsibility of old parents serves as an invitation to Hell. Both the father and mother are equal when it comes to caring for them and providing them all possible physical comforts and mental peace. The time that the parents need to be looked after most, is in their old age. To serve them devotedly at that stage of their lives is the best way of pleasing Almighty Allah. It is also one of the easiest ways of attaining Paradise.
Abu Hurairah, a companion of the holy Prophet, has said that "a person is indeed disgraced, who does not earn Paradise by caring for his parents during the life time and old age of his/her parents".
A person once asked the holy Prophet, "Who has the greatest claim on me with regard to service and kind treatment?" The Holy Prophet replied, "Your mother and again your mother and once again your mother. After her is the claim of your father, then that of your near relatives, and then of the relations next to them". (Al-Bukhari)
This shows that the claim of a mother is greater than a father over the care that you endow upon them in their old age. Serving and obeying parents is a matter of give and take. Those who treat and obey their parents can rest assured that their children will also show kindness and compassion to them. Respecting and caring the parents is a virtue of the highest order that continues to transcend generation after generation.
Asma bint Abu Bakr relates that her mother had come from Makkah to Madinah to meet her. Her mother was not a Muslim and followed pagan tribal customs and beliefs. Asma enquired from the holy Prophet how she was supposed to treat her. The holy Prophet told her to be kind and considerate and to behave towards her as was a mother's due from a daughter. Obeying one's parents and treating them with respect and affection is a great virtue and it serves as repentence for a person's sins. Similarly, to ask Almighty Allah to have mercy on them after death is an act that brings them comfort in their graves. It is the duty of sons and daughters to pray for the forgiveness of their parents after their death and treat their relatives and friends with due respect. In the Holy Quran, Muslims have been urged to pray for the salvation of their parents as shown in the following verse: "And say, My Lord, Have mercy on both of them as they cared for me when I was little".
The holy Prophet has said that to abuse one's parents is a major sin. So much so that if a person abuses someone else's parents and that person, in retaliation, abuses his parents, then it is as though he himself has abused his parents. On another occasion, when asked about the major sins, the holy Prophet replied, "To associate someone with Almighty God, to disobey parents, to kill unlawfully, and to give false evidence".
In fact, keeping ties with one's family is so important in Islam that Allah has said that He will cut off ties with those who cut off ties with their family. Prophet Muhammad has said:
"Rahim (family ties) is a word derived from Ar-Rahman (the Compassionate) and Allah says: I shall keep connection with him who maintains you and sever connection with him who severs you." (Al-Bukhari)
Abu Hurairah replied that he had heard from the Prophet that our deeds are presented to Allah every Thursday night and anyone who has severed family ties has all his good deeds rejected. Abu Hurairah did not want any such person sitting in his gathering, which was held on the same night, for fear that it could deprive the entire gathering of blessings.
Another hadith explains further the reason for this fear: "He who severs ties of kinship, will not enter Paradise." (Muslim)
Keeping ties with one's family is so important that it is even tied to one's belief in Allah and the Day of Judgment. The Prophet said:
"Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should maintain good relation with his kindred." (Al-Bukhari)
Those who break these ties are cursed in the Quran. Allah says in the Quran:
*{And those who break the covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives) and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home (i.e. Hell)}* (Ar-Ra`d 13:25)
Maintaining ties with one's family is required, regardless of how that family treats you. One must maintain these ties and treat one's family with kindness, even if that family does not treat you with kindness.
One of the best examples of this lesson is in the story of Abu Bakr (may Allah be pleased with him). After his daughter, Aishah, was slandered in the worst way, Abu Bark found out that the man who began the rumor was Mistah, the cousin whom Abu Bakr had been supporting financially.
Naturally, Abu Bakr withheld the charity he had been giving the slanderer. Soon after, Allah revealed the following verse:
*{Let not those among you who are endued with grace and amplitude of means resolve by oath against helping their kinsmen, those in want and those who migrated in the path of Allah. Let them forgive and overlook. Do you not wish that Allah should forgive you? Indeed Allah is oft-Forgiving, most Merciful.}* (An-Nur 24:22)
Upon hearing this verse, Abu Bakr not only continued to give the man money, he gave him more.
One should be very cautious about causing someone to break ties with their family, since Allah punishes for this sin in this life and the next. The Prophet Muhammad has said:
"There is no sin more deserving of having punishment meted out by Allah to its perpetrator in advance in this world along with what He stores up for him in the next world than oppression and severing ties of family." (At-Tirmidhi)
The Prophet is reported to have said:
"Indeed, gentleness adds more beauty to the atmosphere it reposes therein." (Muslim)
Hazrat ibn Abbas narrates from the Prophet that a person whose parents are alive and he obeys them, listens to and respects them, then Allah will open two doors of paradise for him. But if one of his parents is not happy with him, then Allah will not be happy with him either. Then someone asked the Prophet , “Even if they are oppressors?” The Prophet replied, “Yes, even if they are oppressors.”
It is said, a person who disobeys his parents, or disrespects them and does not listen to them, Allah will open two doors of hell for him. And if he disrespects only one of them, then Allah will only open one door of hell for him.
Above all, this requires patience and self-restraint. Learn about the tremendousness of being good to one's parents, and keep this in mind.
When troubled, tried, or tested, turn to Allah in earnest, heart-felt supplication (dua), for He has told us to, "Call upon Me: I will answer you."
The fire of anger is put out by the water of love: respond to her harshness with love, and soon you will find things changing.
Allah told the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) in the Qur'an,
003.159 It was by the mercy of Allah that You were lenient with them, for if You had been stern and fierce of heart they would have dispersed from round about thee. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult with them upon the conduct of affairs. And when You art resolved, then put your trust in Allah. Lo! Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).
003.160 If Allah is your helper none can overcome you, and if He withdraw His help from you, who is there who can help you after Him? In Allah let believers put their trust.
Allah, the exalted, ordered us to treat them kindly even when they try to make us associate partners to Allah.
When being kind to one’s parents, we do not expect a reward from them, but we expect a reward from Allah.
If the parents are not kind and do not appreciate the kindness of their children, then one has to be patient, bearing the difficulties and be steadfast in doing good to them, and the outcome will be good, Insha Allah.
And Allah alone gives success.
Second article:
What does Islam say about "mothers"?
This is one of the most convincing things about Islam - the treatment of women in general and especially the high position mothers hold in Islam.
Amongst the clearest examples of Islam's honoring women is the great status of the mother in Islam. Islam commands kindness, respect and obedience to parents and specifically emphasizes and gives preference to the mother as shall be shown in this article. Islam raises parents to a status greater than that found in any other religion or ideology.
The command to be good to one's parents begins right from the Qur'an. Allah says:
"Worship God and join not any partners with Him; and be kind to your parents..." [Noble Quran 4:36]
The mention of servitude to parents follows immediately after servitude to God. This is repeated throughout the Qur'an.
"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility and say, "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." [Noble Quran 17:23-24]
The great scholar, Abu al-Faraj Ibn Al-Jawzî (d. 1201CE) explained:
To be kind to one's parents is: to obey them when they order you to do something, unless it is something which Allah has forbidden; to give priority to their orders over voluntary acts of worship; to abstain from that which they forbid you to do; to provide for them; to serve them; to approach them with gentle humility and mercy; not to raise your voice in front of them; nor to fix your glance on them; nor to call them by their names; and to be patient with them. (Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)
The Qur'an emphasizes the great struggles the mother goes through for her child, to highlight the need for one to reciprocate their parents sacrifice for them:
"And We have enjoined on man [to be good] to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and his weaning was over two years. Be thankful to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination." [Noble Quran 31:14]
The renowned exegete, Shaykh Abdur-Rahman As-Sa'di (d. 1956), says about this verse:
{And to your parents} meaning, be kind to your parents, shower on them love, affection and piety, both in words and deeds, treat them with tender humility, provide for them and never harm them verbally nor physically. [...] Then, Allah mentions the reason why we should be kind to our parents, when He says {His mother bore him in travail upon travail}, that is, the mother bore constant suffering; in pain and hardship from the first moment she felt the child moving in her womb to the worst pangs during the time of delivery. And {his weaning is for two years}, that is, during these two years the mother breast-feeds her child and looks after him/her. So after all the years of suffering, hardship, love and care, could we not, at least, compensate our mothers for what they have done for us and pay them back their rights? (Taysîr al-Karîm ar-Rahmân fî Tafsîr al-Kalâm al-Manân)
The Qur'an repeats its mention of the struggles of the mother in yet another passage:
"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims." [Noble Quran 46:15]
In connection to this passage, the late Grand Mufti of Pakistan, Shaykh Muhammad Shafy (d. 1976) wrote:
Mother has more rights than father
Although the first part of this verse is a command to do good to both the parents, the second sentence refers only to the hardships suffered by the mother, because they are unavoidable, and no child can be born without them. Every mother has to go through the problems of pregnancy and severe pains of delivery. As against this, it is not necessary for a father that he suffers any hardship in bringing up and educating the child, if he can afford to pay somebody else for these services. This is why the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has given more rights to the mother than anybody else. According to a hadîth he has said,
"Do good to and serve your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then the near relatives and then those who come after them." [Mazhari]
"And his carrying and his weaning is in thirty months" [Noble Quran 46:15]
This sentence too describes the hardships suffered by the mother for her baby. It points out that even after suffering hardships during pregnancy and the severe labor pains, the mother does not get respite from toils, because the natural food of the infants is in her breasts, and she has to suckle them. (Shafy, Ma'âriful Qur'ân [Eng. trans.], vol. 7, pp. 795-796)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) continually used to remind his followers of the status of the mother and the obligation of being good to one's parents. The following narration is a beautiful example of the noble position of the mother:
A man came to the Prophet and said: O Messenger of Allah! Who from amongst mankind warrants the best companionship from me? He replied: "Your mother." The man asked: Then who? So he replied: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So the Prophet replied again: "Your mother." The man then asked: Then who? So he replied: "Then your father." (Sahîh Bukhârî 5971 and Sahîh Muslim 7/2)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) also said in a famous narration:
'Paradise lies at the feet of your mother' [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan An-Nasâ’i, Sunan Ibn Mâjah]
What can be greater evidence of honoring women than this? Islam has effectively placed the ultimate reward for human beings in their devotion to their mothers.
Shaykh Ibrahîm Ibn Sâlih Al-Mahmud writes:
Treat your mother with the best companionship, then your father; because paradise is under the mother's feet. Never disobey your parents, nor make them angry, otherwise you will live a miserable life in this world and the hereafter, and your children will treat you likewise. Ask your parents gently if you need something. Always thank them if they give it to you, and excuse them if they do not, and never insist on a matter if they refuse to give you something. (Al-Mahmoud, How to be kind to your Parents, p.40)
It is related from Talhah ibn Mu'âwiyah as-Salamî who said:
I came to the Prophet and said, "O Messenger of Allah, I want to perform Jihad in the way of Allah. He asked, "Is your mother alive?" I replied, "Yes." The Prophet then said: "Cling to her feet, because paradise is there." (at-Tabarânî).
Shaykh Nidhaam Sakkijihaa comments:
Cling to her feet means to submit yourself to her, be close to her, protect her, serve her because in this is Paradise and with her satisfaction you will enjoy the good blessings of Allah. (Sakkijihaa, Honoring the Parents, p. 52)
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) showed us the importance of serving one's parents in the following narration reported by Abdullah Ibn Mas'ud:
I asked the Prophet, 'O Messenger of Allah, what is the best deed?' He replied 'Prayer offered on time.' I asked, 'What is next in goodness?' He replied, 'To be dutiful and kind to one's parents.' I further asked, 'What is next in goodness?' He replied, 'Jihad in the Allah's cause. [Sahîh Bukhârî, Sahîh Muslim]
Just as the Prophet said that kindness to one's parents was of the best deeds, he also said that disobedience to them was amongst the major sins:
"The greatest sins are to associate partners in worship with Allah, to be undutiful or unkind to one's parents, to kill a soul forbidden by Allah and to bear false witness." [Sahîh Bukhârî]
Even after the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him), the Muslim scholars continued to stress the importance of being dutiful to one's mother. By examining the conduct and teachings of the early Muslim scholars, one may see how the direct recipients of the Islamic message understood the command to be dutiful to one's parents. Their behavior towards their parents shows Muslims how one is to implement the teachings of the Prophet on honoring parents.
Abdullah Ibn Abbâs (d. 687CE), a companions of the Prophet and a great scholar of Islam, considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed for strengthening or rectifying one's relation with God. He said:
I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother. [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/45]
An even more powerful example is found in the statement of another one of the Prophet's companions, Abdullah Ibn 'Umar (d. 692CE), who was also a great scholar of Islam. It has been related that:
Abdullah Ibn 'Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf (circumambulating the Ka'bah) while carrying his mother on his back. This man said to Abdullah Ibn 'Umar, "I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn 'Umar?" Abdullah Ibn 'Umar replied, "No, not even one contraction!!" [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/62]
SubhânAllah (Glory be to God)! The efforts of a man who carries his mother on his back while performing tawâf cannot even repay his mother for a single contraction that she went through for him. Wise indeed was Ibn 'Umar's reply to this man to show him how massively indebted he was to his mother. This is the tremendous value and prestigious position of mothers in Islam!
Yet another example is found in the following prophecy of Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):
There will come to you with reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn 'Âmir of the clan of Murâd from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a coin. He has a mother and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah, Allah will fulfill his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so. [Sahîh Muslim 16/95]
Indeed, later on 'Umar ibn al-Khattâb met Uways who was exactly as the Prophet described, and upon 'Umar's request Uways prayed for him. Commenting on this narration, Shaykh Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimî writes:
What a high status Uways reached by virtue of his kindness and respect towards his mother, so that the Prophet recommended his Sahabah [companions] to seek him out and ask him to pray for them!
All of this indicates the high status to which Islam has raised the position of motherhood, and given the mother precedence over the father. At the same time, Islam has given importance to both parents, and has enjoined kindness and respect to both. (Al-Hashimi, The Ideal Muslimah, IIPH 2005, p. 167)
So great was the Islamic emphasis on parents, that the Muslims considered a great opportunity to attain paradise in service to one's mother. Iyâs Ibn Mu'âwiyah was a famous Islamic scholar from the second generation of Muslims. When his mother died, Iyâs Ibn Mu'âwiyah cried. He was asked, "Why do you cry?" He said, "I used to have two gates open to Paradise, now one of them is closed."
Zayn al-'Abidîn (d. 713CE) was the great grandson of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) and also a renowned scholar. He used to treat his mother with so much kindness and love as seen in the following narration:
Once he was asked, 'You are the most kind person to his mother, yet we have never seen you eating with her from a single dish.' He replied, 'I fear that my hand would take the what her eyes have already seen in the dish, and then I would be disobeying her'. [At-Tartushi, Birr al-Wâlidayn]
In other words, he was so careful not to disobey his mother that he would even avoid eating out of the same plate as her; He thought that she would see a morsel and intend to take it, but before she did he might unknowingly take that same morsel and eat it. This is how careful he was to obey his mother in the most minute details.
Another early Islamic scholar, Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib (d. 709CE), was asked about the meaning of the verse "but address them in terms of honor" (17:23). Sa'îd Ibn Al-Musayyib replied:
It means that you should address them as a servant addresses his master.
Muhammad Ibn Sirîn (d. 729CE) used to speak to his mother in a very soft voice, out of respect for her. He was also often seen in the company of his mother and looking after her. (Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)
All that has preceded shows how the status of mothers - and consequently that of women - is elevated to the highest position in Islam. The honor Islam has given to mothers is beyond that found in any other religion, ideology or culture. This is clear proof of the lofty status of Muslim Women.
If you need anymore help or advice on anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask.
And Allah knows best in all matters
and welcome to the forums. Hope you find the forum enjoyable and beneficial.
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