pls dont be put off by the length of this post :p

I dont know where to start with this, as there is too much to say. Lately i havent been feeling all that great i feel quite depressed, anxious and worried because i cannot see what will happen to me in the future and therefore i do not know where i stand whether i have indeed committed any sins or if im needlessly worrying. Im in constant worry, sometimes to the extent where i have to push it to the back of my mind as to not think about it.


Basically my problems revovle around my iman-or perhaps lack thereof. I have committed too many sins, including being negligent in my prayer. I cannot describe the frustration and guilt i feel. i feel utterly stupid . Some sins that revolve around my prayers i know for certain that i have committed them, others im not sure if im held accountable as i tend to be abit OCD'ed in regards to my prayers. Sometimes i forget to wash things off that have stuck onto my skin and prevent the water from reaching my skin and often i do not remember that i hadnt washed them off, until after my prayers have finished, sometimes days after sometimes just a few hours after. This occurs so often and as you can imagine, it is frustrating. I have so so so many prayers i have to make up, it is becoming too much. as a result i feel anxious for not making up these prayers. i have forgotten how many i need to pay back i simply dont want to think about them. this is taking a toll on my conscious.

There are other things in regards to my prayers that i have neglected that i may be held accountable for. I try keep reminding myself that i only have a limited time on this earth and that its better to suffer now than later, but i guess my nifaaq holds me back. i wish i had that iman to act upon the guilt.

i do desperately wish for jannah, even to the extent where my very pores crave for it. But again, my nifaq gets in the way. how can one crave for jannah but their actions contradict that? Maybe i have a fake craving for it its just so painful cos one half of me desperately wants to become a better person (and alhamdulillah with not being negligent in my prayer iam really striving and i think its paying off) but the other half doesnt seem to want to put the effort it. Even with other acts of worship, such as other non-obligatory prayers and reading quran etc i find alot of difficulty with that. see? it is a fake craving for jannah innit

i ask allah to grant me a good aakhira but i think what am i doing to earn this? what am I implementing in order that i can reach this goal. And the answer is nothing, im doing nothing for it i dont know if im just worrying for nothing or there really is something to worry about. in the past i have had similar experiences where i thought i was sinning, but it turned out i was worrying for nothing. i just pray that im worrying for nothing in this case aswell.


Another of my problems is my iman in general. Ya know sometimes when you sin you tend to hit the lowest of levels. well yeah naturally people are gna sin right but how do you stay in the "safezone" like i said, its only natural to sin, but how do you ensure you dont go into shark infested waters

Last thing inshallah is how do you stay honest to your resolve. Like when you sin and then realize your wrong doings, you feel all confident in the beginning and strive that you dont go back to that sin, but after a few days it seems to wear off. How do you avoid that and why does it wear off btw? does it mean that you werent sincere to begin with?

i dno if that made any sense, i just feel depressed