I find myself on the very edge of believing, but I find myself scared. I've felt this way before, earlier on my religious journey started a year ago. I'm not entirely sure what brings it about, but I have guesses.
I know I'm a gullible person. I'll trust what people say easily. This is a different category of thing, though, so I'm not sure if that applies so much, but I have been overcome quickly with enthusiasm over religious things to have it fade not long after. But it has been a bit of time, enthusiasm winding down, yet I still find myself oriented towards Islam.
I think those are lesser contributors to fear. Mainly....well. I've been coming out of a horrible depression. It hugely affected my ability to think and remember things. It tore apart my self identity. Now that I've been getting better, I've compared my progress to what I remember of how things used to be before depression. That did not include religion. It feels like maybe whatever identity I build up now is something impermanent as I work to restore my previous one. Incorporating Islam into what I am now would complicate such a process, rather than first restoring my old identity and developing it from there to include Islam. I am doubtful about the feasibility of ever fully restoring my old identity. But I'm still not sure what I can do with Islam while I feel like my sense of self is so in flux.
I know these are probably all silly fears, but I think writing them out will make me feel better. And I wonder how other people feel. Do/Did any of you have apprehensions about accepting Islam?
Were you completely happy with who you were before? What if you had the opportunity to be even better than who you were? Would you not jump at the chance? You see when a person answers to the call of Allah, all his previous wrongs will be forgiven and they will start their new life as a muslim as sinless as the day they were born. I couldn't think of a more solid and perfect platform to build yourself new identity on. God willing.
I think we all feel that way at some point or another Elaine even those of us born Muslims.. I didn't practice Islam until I was 26.. You try to build a relationship with God and you usually get out of it what you put into it. Except with God we get a whole lot more than we give..
Sometimes our religiosity is superficial sometimes it is deep, sometimes it is deep of superficial or superficial of deep and depending on the state you're in you'll find that the response to you from signs, spiritual satisfaction and contentment is dependent on what you put into it.. I think you should ask Allah swt for guidance.. spend time in worship and I feel that the right answer will come to you then..
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aboard btw..
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