Its been almost two months, i am experiencing extremely bad waswas, these waswas are very evil thoughts which i dare not speak, sometimes i feel these are my thoughts i have ruined my chances for jannah forever, I usually am sleeping late at night, basically it happens all day, before going to sleep or when i am about to wake up i feel as if it is me who is not thinking but maybe speaking(muttering) these statements. I have started to sit alone in my room, at times im unable to take lectures,i am doing awkward things, i check for signs whether Allah is happy with me or angry at me, ie i check my forehead whether or not something bad is written on it, now i feel as if the glow of my face has been lost and Allah has cursed me. At times i feel so low and depressed, know i dont feel these are waswas but feel as if these are only my thoughts, however the frequency of these thoughts have reduced a bit, but the nature of these thoughts have become more evil, i feel that i am not avoiding these thoughts, i feel my best(to aviod the thought) is not good enough,infact i myself is starting it, i have done alot of research on ocd and waswas, but my case is not related to shirk but its related to Holy Prophet (PBUH). I dont know whether it is a test or Allah is really angry with me,at times i feel i have lost my emaan and i am doomed forever, although i really want to enter islam completely, but somewhere someone is stopping me, i have stopped watching bad movies, i am not listening to music or watching tv. i wish even my worst enemy dont experience these thoughts, they are bad thoughts, m so messed up, m unable to talk to someone not even my parents, and these thoughts are killling me from inside.
I think we all suffer from waswas sometimes. I do so terribly sometimes, and they seem to increase when you turn toward the deen more. Being alone also makes one an easy target for the shaytaan. Keep reciting the tauz (aa udhu billaahi minash shaytaanir rajeem) three times and dry spitting over your left shoulder every time you get a bad thought. If you don't already, then seek protection with Allah by reciting the protective surahs (Surah An Nas, Al Falaq, Ayatul Kursi, and the last two verses of Surah Al Baqarah, morning and night. Blow into your hands and wipe over yourself from your head to as far as your hands with reach.
I'm also putting this link from Islamqa here about questions and answers about waswas. A lot of people are affected with it and reading the scholars answers will provide you with a lot of information on the matter.
Finally, don't despair of Allah's mercy, because it amounts to disbelief. Try not to be alone, and try to pray in congregation and offer to volunteer at your local mosque. You should also look for archery and horse riding classes as these sports have been recommended by Rasulullah sallahu alayhi wa sallam. So apart from being active and staying fit, you'd be reviving the sunnah insha Allah.
I'm sorry, I don't know how else to help you. May Allah help you and rectify your affairs. Ameen.
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