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  1. #1
    Crimson's Avatar
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    "Halal" Relationships

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    Salam,

    I have a question I would like to ask about relationships before marriage. I am currently still in school and I have a lot more years left in education so marriage is not even a possibility for several reasons at this time.

    I'll get straight to the point. I met a girl a few months ago and got to know her slowly over time and now she is studying at my school (sixth form). We both like each other and went into a relationship. She isn't very religious, and I don't blame her because her parents should have taught her and set out a right example about Islam. I am slowly changing her into being a good Muslim without coming off as I'm forcing her too, so everything is her choice. When we went into the relationship I would touch her and hug but I was learning more about Islam and made a decision to not touch females, unless I really have too.

    She agreed with it and understood why I done it, so I'm doing everything I can to keep it "halal" and not sin. I know for a fact I wont commit zina because I simply wont be alone with her in a private place where it makes it possible and I don't want to as well.

    We really want a future together but I just want to find out if what I'm doing is acceptable. We are in a relationship buts it's more of an intentional one, if that makes sense? We basically have the intention to get married and be together but leave out the physical aspect of it for now, if that makes sense.

    So is what I'm doing allowed.
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    PurpleCup's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson View Post
    Salam,

    I have a question I would like to ask about relationships before marriage. I am currently still in school and I have a lot more years left in education so marriage is not even a possibility for several reasons at this time.

    I'll get straight to the point. I met a girl a few months ago and got to know her slowly over time and now she is studying at my school (sixth form). We both like each other and went into a relationship. She isn't very religious, and I don't blame her because her parents should have taught her and set out a right example about Islam. I am slowly changing her into being a good Muslim without coming off as I'm forcing her too, so everything is her choice. When we went into the relationship I would touch her and hug but I was learning more about Islam and made a decision to not touch females, unless I really have too.

    She agreed with it and understood why I done it, so I'm doing everything I can to keep it "halal" and not sin. I know for a fact I wont commit zina because I simply wont be alone with her in a private place where it makes it possible and I don't want to as well.

    We really want a future together but I just want to find out if what I'm doing is acceptable. We are in a relationship buts it's more of an intentional one, if that makes sense? We basically have the intention to get married and be together but leave out the physical aspect of it for now, if that makes sense.

    So is what I'm doing allowed.
    The is an exerpt if an Article I wrote, "Women Impure for men Impure"

    The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract women. She looks into his level of religious commitment and his attitude and behavior, because these are the pillars of a successful marriage, and the best features of a husband. Islamic teaching indicates the importance of these qualities in a potential husband, as Islam obliges a woman to accept the proposal of anyone who has these qualities, lest fitnah and corruption become widespread in society:

    "If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do not do so, fitnah and mischief will become widespread on earth."5

    Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the pretty girls who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim young woman who is guided by her religion will not be attracted to stupid "play-boy" types, no matter how handsome they may be. Rather she will be attracted to the serious, educated, believing man who is clean-living and pure of heart, whose behavior is good and whose understanding of religion is sound. No-one is a suitable partner for the good, believing woman except a good, believing man; and no-one is a suitable partner for the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward, immoral man, as Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has said:

    Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity . . . (Qur'aan 24:26)




    -------------

    In the end you should know they men and women do not mix before marriage.

  4. #3
    Bint-e-Adam's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    MashaALlah akhee.
    U are Trying to do what is said in Quran.
    Meeting Any Female lonely that is not Mehram, is abandoned in Quran. As Purple CUp sister has explained very well mashAllah.
    May Allah bless You. Amen
    "Halal" Relationships


  5. #4
    Crimson's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Thanks for the post but as you know the men and women now mix everywhere, saying we can't mix is saying don't leave your house. I am currently studying in school and half of my friends are females, I also have to work with them, etc. So I have no choice but to mix. I don't always go for religion in a person, someone can learn and become pious over time, I wasn't religious at all, in fact I was an atheist at one point, all I needed was to learn and I would have learned faster if someone was to help me.

    But it's not my fault that I like her for who she is, if I can choose who I like I wouldn't ask this and have anything to deal with.

    All I wanted to know if what I was doing isn't haram, so if I'm not committing sins.

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    Galaxy's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    I had never understood the whole thing about men and women not mixing

    I mean I remember hearing one lecturer saying that men shouldn't even make eye contact at all.

    maybe someone could tell me more about it

  8. #6
    Snowflake's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Wa alaykum assalam wa rahmatullahi wb,

    May Allah protect and increase you for striving toward righteousness. Ameen.

    Islamically, a relationship involving non mahrams can only be made halal by marriage, and is haram until marriage takes place. A woman cannot be with a non mahram except with her wali being present. Rasulullah (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, “No man is alone with a [non-mahram] woman but the Shaytaan is the third one present with them.” (Non mahrams also include cousins.) Dr Zakir Naik gives the example of how many bosses have affairs with their secretaries because they are often alone in close proximity.

    Another question we could ask is, "How does one guard their eyes from taking pleasure in looking at a non mahram's face, even in a 'halal' relationship?" In his book, 'The Bitter Consequences of Sin', Imam Ibnul Qayyim said that lowering the gaze stops the shaytaan entering the heart, because the speed in which the shaytaan enters the heart through the unchecked gaze is faster than the speed in which air enters an empty space. If he succeeds he beautifies the face of the one the eyes beheld and makes the heart obedient to him/her creating the physical desire to attain them and thus fuelling the fire of sin.

    Prophet (salallahu alayhi wa sallam) said, 'The souls of those who do not guard their gaze and enjoy looking at non mahram women, will remain in fire until Yawmul Qiyamah.

    Ibn Qayyim further explains that their is a connection between the heart and the gaze that keeps them working in harmony. The goodness of the heart is dependent on the guarding and purity of the gaze. The reckless gaze causes one to become a slave to his desires.

    And God forbid, if he does not take heed, his heart becomes neglectful of the remembrance of Allah.

    In Surah Al Kahf (verse 28), Allah says "... and do not obey one whose heart We have made heedless of Our remembrance, and who follows his desire and whose affair is ever in neglect.

    Continuing, he explains that the heart and eye that become corrupted become unworthy of Allah's love and blessings and become a dwelling place for ugly and useless pursuits.

    Source: Ibn Al Qiyyim Al Jawziya's book 'The Bitter Consequences of Sin'.

    There's a lot more importance and warning attached to this topic, but I've only roughly translated (from Urdu) some key points to highlight the effects and consequences of not lowering the gaze. The best solution for those who love each other as prescribed by the Prophet (pbuh) is marriage, as marriage will close the door to fitnah and sin. But if living together is not an option right now, then seek to fulfil the marriage contract so that you become halal for each other. And if even this is not possible then immediately sever all contact with each other until the means of you being together by marriage become possible. This is the only way that is pleasing to Allah.
    Last edited by Snowflake; 10-12-2012 at 07:31 AM.

  9. #7
    CosmicPathos's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Snowflake View Post
    The best solution for those who love each other as prescribed by the Prophet (pbuh) is marriage, as marriage will close the door to fitnah and sin.
    How can two non-mehram unmarried ppl fall in love with each other if they have not already committed the sin of looking at each other, and perhaps talking to each other? It might make sense for men as they fall in love with any beautiful woman, but does not make sense from the other gender's perspective.

    Otherwise, great post.
    "Halal" Relationships

    Help me to escape from this existence
    I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
    I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
    In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed

  10. #8
    Snowflake's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by CosmicPathos View Post
    How can two non-mehram unmarried ppl fall in love with each other if they have not already committed the sin of looking at each other, and perhaps talking to each other? It might make sense for men as they fall in love with any beautiful woman, but does not make sense from the other gender's perspective.

    Otherwise, great post.
    Barak Allahu feek. Good question. Marriage is prescribed for those who have committed that sin and fallen in love. The benefit of marriage is to stop them falling into the worse sin of zina if they cannot turn their heart away from their object of desire. It makes perfect sense from both gender perspectives - remember the story of Zulaikha, and how the women cut their fingers when they laid eyes upon Yusuf (as)?


    And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce him. She closed the doors and said, "Come, you." He said, "[I seek] the refuge of Allah . Indeed, he is my master, who has made good my residence. Indeed, wrongdoers will not succeed." [12:23]

    So when she heard of their scheming, she sent for them and prepared for them a banquet and gave each one of them a knife and said [to Joseph], "Come out before them." And when they saw him, they greatly admired him and cut their hands and said, "Perfect is Allah ! This is not a man; this is none but a noble angel."
    Quran [12:31]






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  11. #9
    IbnAbdulHakim's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    marry her or let her go.


    if you die right now, RIGHT NOW, whilst your in a relationship with her, how would you answer to Allaah?

    This world is nothing bro, the grave will last for Allah knows how many years, Qiyamat could last for 50,000 years, then we could be burningi n hell for more then 250,000 years.

    You want to persue haram for the sake of a few years?


    bro please, think about this carefully. Leave haram, there is no blessing in what is Haram. And what you have done has had the touch of satan from the beginning, it will be difficult to remove his touch now...



    so i re-itterate, marry or leave her. desiring nothing but the pleasure of Allaah...
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    "Halal" Relationships

    -
    My tears testify that i have a heart
    yet i feel me and shaytan never part
    -

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    Crimson's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Thanks for everyones coments but I decided to end it, it's for the best.
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  14. #11
    Periwinkle18's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    I so knw how u feel Buh wht u did was rite may Allah bless u n keep u happy always Ameen

    N may He forgive us all for the mistakes we make Ameen
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    "Halal" Relationships

    Allah made everyone different thats what makes them special,so no matter what ppl say just remember you're SPECIAL!!
    "You are with the one you love"
    Nem0





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    IbnAbdulHakim's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    the next few weeks shaytans gonna play with you a lot bro.

    his going to try his best to make you think about her, DREAM about her, want to go back to her.

    but dont do that... think about ALlaah and what he has promised.

    You'll be OK bro inshAllah
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    "Halal" Relationships

    -
    My tears testify that i have a heart
    yet i feel me and shaytan never part
    -

  16. #13
    Periwinkle18's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

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    "Halal" Relationships

    Allah made everyone different thats what makes them special,so no matter what ppl say just remember you're SPECIAL!!
    "You are with the one you love"
    Nem0





  17. #14
    Salahudeen's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Crimson View Post
    Thanks for everyones coments but I decided to end it, it's for the best.
    Best thing to do if marriage is not an option.
    "Halal" Relationships

    “Who said that guidance requires there to be someone accompanying you"

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    Muhaba's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    no that is not right. it is against laws of islam. if you want to make your contact with her halal then do nikah.

  20. #16
    Beardo's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    I noticed this a lot in college. It was a common and "cool" thing to have a girlfriend, even among the Muslim Students' Association. I never quite understood that. Do they really think that the relationship would last, having nothing binding the two together or hiding it behind your parents' backs?

    Anyhow, that's just my two cents. When the time is right, you will not need to hide it from anyone. It will happen in its own time, and it will be the most blissful experience, insha-Allah.
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    ardianto's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Galaxy View Post
    I mean I remember hearing one lecturer saying that men shouldn't even make eye contact at all.

    maybe someone could tell me more about it
    Eye contact: Your eyes stare at someone's eyes, and someone's eyes stare at your eyes.

    Yes, we should avoid eye contact. Everyday I must be talk with non-mehram women. If necesary I look at her face (notice: only when necesary), but I always avoid eye contact.

    Not only in Islamic etiquette, even in "universal etiquette", if a male makes eye contact with female stranger, it's considered as inappropriate.

    FYI: Eye contact between male and male can be interpreted as "challenge to fight".
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    IbnAbdulHakim's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by ardianto View Post
    FYI: Eye contact between male and male can be interpreted as "challenge to fight".
    *locks fierce eyes with ardianto !*


    loool bro I make eye contact with men allll the time
    "Halal" Relationships

    -
    My tears testify that i have a heart
    yet i feel me and shaytan never part
    -

  23. #19
    Crimson's Avatar
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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by Beardo View Post
    I noticed this a lot in college. It was a common and "cool" thing to have a girlfriend, even among the Muslim Students' Association. I never quite understood that. Do they really think that the relationship would last, having nothing binding the two together or hiding it behind your parents' backs?

    Anyhow, that's just my two cents. When the time is right, you will not need to hide it from anyone. It will happen in its own time, and it will be the most blissful experience, insha-Allah.
    It's not so much about the "cool" part to it anymore at collage, it's more to do with the special feeling you get while being in a relationship and then you tend to have hope or see it lasting (which in most collage relationships it doesn't). It's also quite easy to get in a relationship these days because since everything is just mixed and even sometimes you have to be partners with the opposite sex for an assessment lets say, you will spend a lot of time working together so that bonding kicks in place, that's just one example.

    That's why, like you said, it's quite common among the teens and it's hard to fight of your feelings. People can't fight every emotion, thought and our desire (which are a hassle to deal with at our age and being single, etc) they get all the time and specially us youth since everything is prohibited but it's all around us and happens a lot.

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    Re: "Halal" Relationships

    Quote Originally Posted by IbnAbdulHakim View Post
    *locks fierce eyes with ardianto !*


    loool bro I make eye contact with men allll the time
    There is difference between look at each other and make eye contact, I've explained it in my previous post. If you make eye contact with men you know you personally, it's okay. If you make eye contact with a stranger ...... if accidentally and only for few seconds, maybe would not become a problem. But if you make eye contact longer and that stranger is a muscular thug ..... he...he...he

    If you make eye contact with your mother, your sisters, or your wife (after you get married), it's okay. But avoid make eye contact with non-mahram women.
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