AOA Brothers and Sisters!!!
I have been married for 4 years n have a 1 year old daughter. My husband always claimed that he has been very neat n clean character wise n he never crossed his limits before marriage. A few days back I came across some of his pre-marriage pics n emails that disappointed me alot. I completely trust him n know that he hasnt cheated me once after marriage and it was all in his past but I always had a very good picture of him in my mind till now, never expected such things from him n now when i have seen all this it broke my heart. I dont know what to do? I dont know if I should confront him or not? It's just killing me. I don't know why but ever since childhood Allah always shows me everything more than i should see n I dont understand why Allah does that to me, cuz knowing the full truth of everything n knowing more than one should is just painful.
My life has been a mess ever since i got married. my inlaws are highly problematic, my husband is just a puppet whose control is in his parents hands n they make him do all fair n unfair things, my husband is a disappointment, my rest of life is a mess. The only good part in my life is my family n my daughter. i just dont understand Allah is putting me in a test after test. The problems that i start being patient with, Allah makes it even harder for me. I have reached a point where I no longer can breathe. All these tests are breaking me down. I just dont understand if I would be happy again or my life would be normal again without any problems
I dont know guys why am i posting it all here. I dont know if I want advice, some healing or I just want to share all this with somebody.
Aselam aleykum
Let's be honest, the past isn't really the problem is it? If you had a good and healthy relationship with your husband, would you have felt the same away about finding this out, or would you be more understanding about his "deception"? And I'm not trying to say that what he did is alright. It's wrong to deceive somebody and you certainly have a right to be angry about it. My point is however: pick your battles and stick to what is important/essential. LIke Signor pointed out, have these previous issues been resolved or is all that stuff still hanging in the air between you two? Or are you saying that seeing him in a new light you are uncertain whether he's still worth fighting for? Well if that's the case we can't guide you there. Only you can know wheter it's best to stick with him or best to leave.
The previous issues are not fully resolved, it's more like i have blindfolded myself and brushed all the issues under the carpet. I completely understand what you guys mean, i am not in favor of separation at this time as I have a daughter now. If we didnt have any kid, separation would have been my decision for sure. All I can say is that this was my fate and all this was meant to be. I try to make myself feel good by telling myself that all this is from Allah's side n Allah would give me a reward for all the hardships in this world, this is the only thing that keeps me going.
Somethings it helps just to say things out aloud. That's probably the reason why people pay a lot of money to psychiatrists just to listen to them rant.
Back to your problem.
First, let's count your blessings. You still have your family and your daughter who give you love and warmth and a meaning to existence in this world. Whatever your husband did, as you said, was in the past. It's your over-expectation of him that created the depression. Just accept that your husband is a human being like you are and he is prone to mistakes just like you are, too.
Your situation brings to my mind two things I learned in Islam which always come up before my eyes whenever I meet problems. One is that Allah did ask somewhere in the Quran,
How do you know you have iman when you have not been tested?
And the other is,
Allah does not test you beyond what you can bear.
I am sure our brothers and sisters here who are more fluent with Arabic and have memorised the Quranic verses can give the exact surah and verse which states more accurately what I have just said.
When misfortune comes our way, it may be because of our own shortcomings, because Allah does not wrong us even in the slightest. The difficulty or misfortune is from His Mercy as He wishes to purify us of some of our sins, so we should be thankful, rather than distressed. And even in this difficulty, if we put our trust in Allah (subhana wa ta’ala) He will help us through it. This way, we become strong and able to deal with obstacles and difficulties that come our way because we know we have Allah to turn to, and this is what keeps our heart at ease.
format_quote Originally Posted by honey123
I try to make myself feel good by telling myself that all this is from Allah's side n Allah would give me a reward for all the hardships in this world, this is the only thing that keeps me going.
^^With this you definitely have chosen the right approach,mentioned in Surah Hadeed,Ayah 22
No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being - indeed that, for Allah , is easy -
May Allah makes things easy for you,Aameen
@Ali Mujahidin
format_quote Originally Posted by Ali Mujahidin
How do you know you have iman when you have not been tested?
Do the people think that they will be left to say, "We believe" and they will not be tried?But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.(29,2-3)
format_quote Originally Posted by Ali Mujahidin
Allah does not test you beyond what you can bear.
Allah does not place a burden to a soul greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns." Surah Al-Baqarah [2:286]
Do not go into the past. First of all, you don't know the whole story. Second, people make mistakes and change. You had no rights on your husband before you married him so shouldn't be bothered by his emails and pics before marriage. Just erase them from your mind.If you're worried that he will cheat on you or is cheating on you, then don't think that way. You have no reason to.
As for your other problems, you can have them sorted out by discussing the matter with your husband. Making compromises is also a good thing.
Finally, there are a few duas that you can ask. Just pray to Allah not to show you things that don't benefit you. I believe there is a dua for this but can't remember it now. Also, make dua to give your patience. Finally complaining about your situation won't help you. Nor will thanklessness to Allah help you. On the contrary it will make your situation worse. So be thankful for all the good things He has given you. And say astaghfirullah lots with attention. There's also another dua, something like: Rabbana Zalumna anfusuna wa ilum taghfiruna wa tarhamna lanakuno min alkhaasireen. do this dua too. finally recite the dua that we recite at the end of the last sitting in prayer - Rabbana aatina fiddunya hasana wa fil-aakhirati hasana wa qinaa-azaabanaar
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