I have behaved horribly and my marriage is now in trouble

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I have been married for about 8 months and Astagfirullah my marriage is not very stable anymore.

I will admit it. I have a lot of flaws in my character. I have a horrible temper, I hold grudges, I judge people. Astagfirullah, I really am a horrible person. I often feel alone and misunderstood which isn't surprising considering how badly I tend to treat people.

My husband is a very patient man SubhaanAllah. And he has stood by me despite all these flaws. We have already been through one divorce after weeks of strained relationships between us. But he decided to give me another chance and took me back. Recently, our marriage almost fell apart again.

I have been holding grudges against my parents for the mistakes they have made in the past. Astagfirullah. My father has made some mistakes but he is also an amazing father. And like all of us, we have made mistakes in the past but he has changed his ways so much Alhamdulillah. Recently, Allah gave him the amazing opportunity to step inside the Ka'aba as well. In Shaa Allah, this is again a sign that Allah has indeed accepted the repentance of my father for the mistakes he has made.

However, I have carried this grudge in my heart for a long time and it often comes out in awful ways. I have argued with them, I have said bad things about them. I have been absolutely awful. It got to the point where my husband could not take it anymore and he was about to leave me for the second time. My mother intervened and he agreed to give me one last chance Alhamdulillah.

I am trying to change my ways. I say this but I worry about how sincere I am. I am scared of losing my husband but I know I should be even more scared of gaining the anger of Allah Subhaanah Wa Ta'ala if I keep going down this route. It is indeed by Allah's infinite Mercy that he has not taken my sinful soul still and I am left on this earth still.

I am trying to make an active effort to let go of all these grudges I have been carrying around in my heart. I try to remind myself that I am also wrong and I have no right to be pointing the finger at others. And who am I not to forgive when Allah Himself is the Most Merciful.

But now, I am turning to all of you for advice brothers and sisters. I need advice on how to proceed and what to do. My husband is really hurting. He told me that he doesn't really know if there is a future ahead of us. As in, I have often told him I won't repeat these mistakes and I have kept going back to it. So he isn't sure if I won't do the same again. Sometimes he can't look me in the eyes anymore. And when he does, there is often a sadness within them. Yet he is also so incredibly patient Masha Allah. There aren't many men like that. He has not cut off relations with me. He still looks after me and provides for me. He is encouraging me to go and meet my (girl) friends more as one reason for all the problems in the past was that I gave up my full time job to stay at home but in doing so, I virtually cut myself off of all contact from my friends etc. So it led to more depression, bad attitude etc.

What should I do? I am not naive to think that I can just say sorry and my husband will immediately forget all that I have put him through and will suddenly be his old self again. I am worried that this might never come back. But I am trying to tell myself to give it time and to work on myself in the meantime In Shaa Allah. And over time, the bond will get stronger. I guess right now, the issue is that all he has to go is my word that I won't do this again and I'll be honest, that isn't worth much based on what I have done in the past.

Please please advice me. It saddens me deeply to see how much hurt I have caused my husband. I wonder if he would be happier if he did leave me. I asked him and he said he is not regretting his decision to give me another chance and he still loves me and he believes we can work it out. I have an amazing husband, and I have been so ungrateful and spoilt in my behavior towards him. What should I do? I don't want to keep asking him are you okay all the time as that is annoying and at this point, it's pointless too as we both know he is not okay and our marriage isn't really okay. On top of this, he is a bit sick too these days with a cold and so he is often tired.

Please don't judge me too harshly for the things i have done in the past. Please advice me on the best course of action and help me fix things In Shaa Allah. I am so grateful that I got this chance again and I don't want to mess it up. Should I go about as normal but at the same time, try and sort myself out. Should I give him time and space and if he is quiet, should I just let him be. What do I do?