I am in dire need of advice regarding marriage. I was hoping someone more knowledgeable could shed some light on the topic. I understand that no one here is an Alim. I am trying to read what Islam says about the matter myself.
I am 23 and in fifth year of Medicine. I still have a year of studies left. I study abroad but live in England. This break I came back home from university and my parents raised the question of marriage. It's a proposal from my cousin (my Dad's nephew). Before I had gotten back, my parents were already very excited about it, as if I had already said "yes". My Dad was making comments like "I'll make your marriage dinner", and there was constant talk about marriage. This was something new and very unusual for me. When my mother sat me down and formally asked if I was happy with it, my immediate reaction was "no". I had already told my mother years ago that i did not want anyone that was from Pakistan and that was a cousin. The reason why is because I have grown up in England and my husband would not understand the temptation one faces as a child growing up in the west. The refusal to get married to a first cousin was for medical reason, as children of first-cousin marriages have increased risk of genetic disorders. My mother did not see these two as valid reasons for refusal. Fair enough.
However, two weeks before I got back and before my parents raised the question, I met a brother (or rather he met me). He noticed me at a university event and added me on Facebook. He introduced himself in writing and I had noticed that he was involved in relief work so out of curiosity I asked him that I was very much interested in doing something like that after I graduate, therefore asked him for more information. He told me how Hajj was one of the requirement so I told him how I had been to Hajj as well. Anyhow, we started talking about our experiences at hajj & messaging back and forth mainly about religion and Medicine. He was very respectful in his mannerism through these messages. He told me how he’s becoming a hafiz as well, as it was one of his wishes. Also, his activities aside from university are understanding the Quran and praying in congregation. He did not tell me these things to impress me rather a conversation that lead from one topic to another. Overall, the impression I got is that he’s a very pious brother. There’s a lots of other qualities that he mentioned which were very impressive in terms of how active he is in religion. After a few messages, I thought to myself that if he is a religious brother and he has not approached any other girl what would be his intentions. As I was oblivious, I asked my wiser and older friends for advice and they told me it maybe that he is interested in marriage and he’s only trying to get to know you. This is what triggered me to start thinking about marriage. However, the brother has not mentioned anything about marriage as yet. He is studying at the moment and so am I. I don’t even know if that’s his intentions for sure.
After my parents posed the question, I had been seriously looking into the topic of marriage. I have read and listened to various lecture on the issue of marriage. Because of my age, my parents are getting desperate about me and they continue to enforce the same proposal. After reading much into the matter & listening to talks on how you should pick your spouse Islamically, I continue to refuse on the basis that I want someone that is religious. My parents told me that my cousin was praying in congregation five times a day (I don’t know if that’s really true, it’s a word of mouth). I said to my parents that it wasn’t sufficient, and that I wish to marry an Imaam or an Alim or someone who from a young age is invested (as in actively involved) in seeking Islamic knowledge. They keep saying I can mould my husband into these things afterwards. From what I have observed from my parents’ marriage and life, my Dad has only properly been involved in Islam, as in praying in congregation and actively seeking knowledge in a recent few years. My Dad is 50 something and because of that my mum has started going towards religion. I have said to my parents that I do not want that. I want to be that active in religion now and this starts with picking someone who is pious, as in wired how you’re wired now. Why start from square one and work your way, when you can start from a 100? I want to lead a life where my children would have consistency in the knowledge they’d receive from their parents throughout, and not wait for us to get old and realise about religion and then get that knowledge or upbringing.
On the conversation of marriage, I told my mother about the brother in my university and his qualities. I do not like hiding anything from my parents, so I believe it was only correct to tell her Also, as I did not think I was doing anything incorrect.
I am doing my independent research and my parents are being very unreasonable and somewhat desperate. My mother says she will not accept anyone from another race, while Islam clearly says we have made you into different races and tribes so you may get to know each other and advised us to pick our spouses based on religion and good character. Islam mentions nothing about race. (correct me if I AM wrong). My mother has had countless arguments with me since and every conversation has ended in tears. It’s very abnormal and unpleasant. My mother keeps mentioning that as their daughter I should have complete trust in her and that I should know whatever they’re doing is best, on the bases of their own experience. She mentions part of religion that talks about obeying your parents, not marriage. It doesn't make sense to make such an important life decision based on my parents experiences. I have never disobeyed my parents and I do not intend to. My parents further reasons (for not looking outside family) is the “fear of the unknown”, that they do not ‘know’ any other family and are therefore not willing to take the risk. I feel like I am getting married to the family, rather than a boy. While, my aunts family is known to possess very good qualities, the same cannot be said about my cousin. I have never spoken to him in my life and he also lives in Pakistan. All his qualities are a word of mouth. I cannot be blindly forced into a marriage like that, it’s illogical.
Also, my mother has mentioned something about the Dad having the power to say “yes” Islamically if the daughter refuses. What is the correct Islamic ruling?
I have done Itekhara (day 2) and I still have doubts. I have also agreed to speak to my cousin within the bounds of Islam, and based on that make an informed decision.
This cousin is also my brother-in-laws younger brother and I am afraid of what the family would say and think If I refuse after having spoken to him.
This situation is also made me realise that I need to properly implement religion into my life, it’s almost a reminder. If my parents and I were already educated in the matter, we would not be facing such a conflict. Islam is a perfect way of life.
Jazak'Allah Khair
Last edited by Life_Is_Short; 12-25-2014 at 03:03 AM.
Alhamdulilah my parents realised how unhappy I was so they let me message the guy. Both parents agreed that it was probably best to let us talk and clear any doubts. However, he had no questions for me because I was his parents choice and he's happy with that and also in Pakistani culture you're not supposed to question your parents and have complete trust because it is only through parents that you enter Jannah. I informed him that I trust my parents but islamically you can enquire and ask questions for yourself, it's called taking responsibility for your own life. I took his consent before asking questions and highlighted the fact that It maybe too patronising to ask direct questions (as advices) and I do not intend to offend him. I asked him about his deen which he was completely honest about. He said he prayed but missed fajr sometimes. I asked if it was with Jam'a, he said "no" if he's working and with clients. It started off well but when I asked him when he is planning to come to England his response was that he wouldn't until his parents did. So I asked him when will his parents come and he said he doesn't know. I told him it was impossible for me to come to Pakistan as my future is in England. As an undergraduate doctor I have no future in Pakistan at least for the next seven years so it was practically impossible for us to marry. He ignored this issue and provided no valid solutions. When I asked when we should get marry he said soon as possible, leaving me confused. He kept highlighting that he needs an answer soon without providing any valid solutions to the fact that we're both in two different places across the globe. I asked if he had made istekhara and he said no.
I raised these concerns with my mother. The fact that he has no direction in life and has completely left the matter to his parents. His responses were not adequate, raising further doubts. Many of the important questions asked about practicality and making this work were "I don't know" & not attempt at providing solutions. He had a very careless and laid back approach, as if he wasn't bothered. No effort from his side whatsoever. I sensed a very childish & dependant attitude. His dependency on parents, older brother and my parents. Instead of defending me, my mother defended him and said that there's no need to enquire like this (ask direct questions over internet) when parents have already looked at these things and put the proposal forward. My mum keeps insisting that I should completely trust parents decision. She blames me for his careless doubtful responses. She says you're feeling like this because these things aren't done like this. You can't question a guy like that until you have a connection with him which you can only gain through marriage. I can't take a blind leap of faith and find out how he is like after marriage. It's illogical.
Furthermore, I do not know his intentions so I would not judge him. He went and copy-pasted our conversation to my mother and a few more people. This made me look bad as everyone interpreted it all in a wrong way, causing further problems. As it is cultural for a girl not to ask a guy questions like this. Everyone is judging me and saying things like "oh the questions she is asking are rude". My mother told me I do not know how to talk when all the questions I have asked were regarding his religious practices and practicality, everything else kept professional & polite.
I officially object to this proposal. At first I was worried that I maybe rejecting a good potential because of the incorrect way my parents have brought it forward but I now after directly talking to him and cutting these several middle men out know that he isn't someone I can marry. I felt like they were playing Chinese whispers where all the information I was given about his was he said and she said he can settle here and he'll come without parents because they have no intention etc etc
My dad due to his inability to find anyone else and through desperation is still persistent that we should talk face to face and perhaps the online questioning session was not appropriate form of enquiring. Why allow such a thing in the first place if you do not think it's appropriate ? When the situation suites them things become appropriate otherwise they're dismissed as haram or inappropriate.
What I do not understand is why this guy is asking other people to answer his questions & how then my parents are still persistent that this is suitable when we're not able to sort out matters between us. If this is the situation now, where he needs the aid of several people and many people are intervening already how would this work out.
Last edited by Life_Is_Short; 08-23-2015 at 11:19 PM.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know the feeling. My parents were like that too. I live in the West. I sat with a guy i had no interest in. My parents were like "you're not gonna find anyone better, he's into the deen, he doesn't go out etc. I understand that but I didn't click yet they kept insisting. I said no my father was angry but he got over it after a couple of days. He wasn't related but his father and my father are friends. After that my father brought up his nephew. I wanted to scream. I told him many times I don't want cousins. He's from Amman. I don't wanna marry someone who doesn't speak very good english or is too old fashioned just someone who grew up in the West. He honestly pisses me off when he brings up his nephews. No matter how many times I tell him no he still insists. I'm 24. Everybody says I'm getting old, nobody else is gonna take me, they're looking for girls 18-21 blah blah. My parents say the muslim guys in america are druggies, cheaters etc, but overseas they're pious? lol All I'm saying is I'd rather stay unmarried than to take someone I'm not happy with. Do not marry someone for your parents happiness this is suppose to be about you. Your happiness. Is your father the one getting married? No this is your life. Your parents will eventually get over it. Like everyone said just make Dua. Focus on your studies, and the right guy will come along.
I hope these few points will be of consideration in shaa Allah:
1. Your parents are acting out of love and concern for you - although both are highly influenced by culture, (rather than deen), it is still love and concern that is propelling their response.
Realize that even though it may not make sense to you, their decision is based on what they truly believe will be best for you.
It would be quite difficult for yourself to steer them away from a cultural practice that is so deeply rooted, and which has worked for them and many others in the family and close community. Part of the problem is that their concept of a 'successful' marriage is vastly different from your own.
If success is to be measured by the rate of divorce - then, arranged marriages of this nature can arguably be considered as being very successful.
However, if a 'successful marriage' is one that is not only a protection to both parties (from a physical aspect), but also one where there is mutual love, mercy, compassion, compatibility; emotional and spiritual closeness, and a means of drawing closer to Allah (subhanawataála) - then such marriages can fall short in some cases.
In todays generation, where women are relatively more self-sufficient and independent than in the past, and where our thinking on marriage and partnership has been influenced to varying degrees by western standards - it is understandable that a void in understanding each others perspectives will exist.
How to bridge this gap?
2. Alhamdulillah, Islam has provided us with the best guidance in all aspects of life - including marriage.
If we were to follow the commands of Allah and His Nabi (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) in the manner that has been prescribed for us, even these generation gaps will fall into insignificance.
Its important to note that marriages based on emotional blackmail/ coercion/ force is an unislamic practice, founded (mostly on Hindu) tradition and customs.
It is a practice that was directly disapproved of by the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam).
(http://islamqa.org/hanafi/muftisays/9498)
In the same vein, a meeting between the prospective bride and groom (under specified conditions) is allowed, and in fact encouraged - to ascertain mutual attraction and compatibility.
While your parents may have the best of intentions, they should also realize that no goodness can be obtained, when neglecting or challenging the commands of Allah and the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam).
3. To facilitate passage of understanding and awareness from yourself to your parents, it would be best to consult either a learned elder from your family or community - who will sympathize with your situation, and whose opinion is respected by your parents.
If this is not possible, then a respected aalim/ local imaam.
Perhaps arrange a meeting between yourself, your parents and the aalim/ learned elder - for an open, honest discussion regarding this matter.
Explain how you feel, listen to your parents concerns - and in shaa Allah, a way forward can be agreed upon, that will be acceptable to all parties involved.
(Realize that the same advice, provided from someone who is impartial and knowledgeable about the deen, can result in a completely different outcome, than if you were to offer it.)
May Allah (subhanawataála) grant what is best for your deen, duniya and aakhirah. Ameen.
SALAAM
I think you need to do whats best for you sister. you are an adult now and should have some independent beliefs from your parents and a sense of self , especially before marriage. If you do everything to please your parents then you become their slave and if you marry this guy to please them you will undoubtly become his slave. That's not a pretty picture for you. please pray to allah to give you strength of character and patience to overcome the pressures to go against what you want to do .
Show your parents this video if nothing else helps! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuOKlKg-xqg
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