Got married without parents knowing..

**Bonk** · 05-15-2016

Asalamulaikum brothers and sisters. I hope you are all well in shaa Allah.

I am seeking some Islamic advice on my life.

Around September in 2014 I started talking to this guy from Bangladesh. The reason why is.. My father wanted me to marry someone back home and out of anger I started talking to a few from there. Long story short, the guy who I'm 'islamically' married to.. Caught my attention. He was so lovely etc etc. After a while, I started getting feelings for him and it grew stronger. Told my parents around December... His brother and sister in law rang my house and talked to my parents. My parents did not agree and said that the guy I liked was not good and people in the village have said many bad things about him. So, first my dad was pressuring me to get married and then I agreed and they say no. It got me so angry. I knew I wasn't ready though. To think of it now, I wish I wasn't blind to it.

The guy suggested we get hitched through Skype (with his bro and his wife present). Btw his bro is a mosque teacher (mesab)

So..I was not ready. So the time came and I agreed to it blindly... He was very persistent.. Btw. And I went along with it. The day came and time csme, I travelled half way through the the country and my gut was like no NO NO. And I did. Wasn't really happy nor did I get a feeling of satisfaction..

As days went on, I didn't feel as though I was married, as the guy was back home and I was here. We seen each other in Bangladesh, he lives near my village. But never spoke only once on my cousin brothers phone. That's it. If anyone knows, they'll know that Bangladeshi guys are red passport dyers and they fall so deep in love that they are prepared to kill themselves. (I find that do ridiculous)

Anyways, I still talked to him but it wasn't always delightful... Then I would disappear (only because I had no phone) told him, he didn't understand. Then came my dads passing, took my life as well.. Many months I was in a dark place.

I bet yous are thinking, why didn't turn to your husband at a time like that. Our relationship was so rocky, he was always talking about coming here, to the UK (the only thing he is interested in).. And my dad was dying and died and all he thought about was reasons for why am not and haven't.

Since then after a huge argue meant and giving him my farewells. I stopped talking, changed my number and ey thing, focusing on my life.

He was so manipulative, controlling, immature, use to degrade me, not understand me, he wasn't the person I was expecting to spend the rest of my life with. I had a hunch that getting married like that and to him wouldn't work, yet I went through with it. Now I have and I can't change it.. I want a divorce, I want to erase that.

So these past months I got in touch with his bro and his wife and I told them the situation etc etc. And yesterday his brother suggested that we got married and he is sorry for what he did to give him another chance. I can't do that. He wishes to be married to me forever and me to forget the past bla bla. He's getting proposals from many people and he's rejecting them because he wants me and he's married.

How do I get out of this?

My mum doesn't know, my dad didn't know. I disgraced them both by doing something wrong. I may have completed half my deen by following my emotions but j wasn't ready and he and they don't understand. I want him to get married to someone who he is suited for not me. They've also threatened to tell my mum, if I don't get this sorted. If they do, my mum will get embarrassed and degraded by people and she will not be able to show her face. I don't want her to go through that. I'd rather die. The guy I married has threatened me saying " I will embarrass you, your mum and dad.. Watch" and so on.. So I could continue living such a lie. Yes I did have feelings for him and still do but it's not right and I can't live with him. I got married without my dads and mums consent and I can't see how my marriage with him would have any blessings.

How do I get out of this?

Can I divorce him? As he wont let me go or give me a talak.

Will I get so much punishment for doing this?

I can't be his wife. We do not belong together... It was a mistake that I will regret till the day I die. I don't want that life, don't want to live everyday with him being controlled, manipulated, hated on and threatened.

Can I please get advise on how I can divorce him (through his bro) and how to tell him to move on...

Thank you for reading... JazakaAllah.. Allah hafiz

**muslimah_B** · 05-16-2016

Walaykum asalam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu sis

Im sorry to hear about your dads passing inna lilahi wa inna ilayhi rajoon.

But id honestly advice you to speak to a imam or a sheik as this includes divorce laws which only a knowledge person of sharia can give you sound advice
Im only a student of knowledge and can not give you a fatwa...

Tbh i think you should tell your mum before they tell her or she hears it from someone else, which would be even worse

There is something else that has to be asked to determin something but it is personal
Would you rather i pm you ?

**Bonk** · 05-16-2016

JazakAllah sister for your reply and thank you. Please make dua for him.

I cannot speak to no imam around here or anywhere. However, his brother is one and is strongly suggesting we work things out. Regardless of what I tell him about his ways.. Him being a different person to who I had feelings for and blindly married.

Telling my mum is a no go. She will kill herself.. I don't know how to go about this. My mum is so afraid of what others think and to tell her something as big as this would finish her. Though I get your point it is impossible and I pray to Allah if this does come out to make my mum understand and forgive me in shaa Allah..

That would be amazing sister. Please do pm me. I literally joined this forum a few hours ago and can't use it properly lol .

**crookedrib** · 05-16-2016

Wa 'alaykum assalaam If you got married without your father aka your wali's consent, your marriage is invalid.The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a guardian.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1101); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel (1893).*May Allah ease your situation

**crookedrib** · 05-16-2016

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1102), classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel (1840).

**muslimah_B** · 05-16-2016

Originally Posted by Bonk

JazakAllah sister for your reply and thank you. Please make dua for him.

I cannot speak to no imam around here or anywhere. However, his brother is one and is strongly suggesting we work things out. Regardless of what I tell him about his ways.. Him being a different person to who I had feelings for and blindly married.

Telling my mum is a no go. She will kill herself.. I don't know how to go about this. My mum is so afraid of what others think and to tell her something as big as this would finish her. Though I get your point it is impossible and I pray to Allah if this does come out to make my mum understand and forgive me in shaa Allah..

That would be amazing sister. Please do pm me. I literally joined this forum a few hours ago and can't use it properly lol .

I just pm'd you now in sha Allah

***charisma*** · 05-16-2016

Assalamu Alaikum
@Bonk

There's a few worrying things about what you've written, but I want you to realize that this may be a relief for you.

You are not married. If you did not have your father's permission or a male guardian present from your father's side then this marriage is invalid, and it's horrifying to know that you were tricked into thinking you were married all of this time. The Prophet ﷺ said, according to the hadeeth narrated by ‘Aa’ishah: “Any woman who gets married without a wali, her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; classed as hasan by Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879.

Inshallah you did not sleep with the guy or "consummate" what you thought was your marriage.

Please understand that in Islam women have rights such as the right to a dowry, the obligation to be given away by her guardians, the right to a house, a walima, etc. all of which you are not receiving. There is no such thing as a secret marriage in Islam. Along with your male guardian (your father, brother, or someone from your father's side) there must also be two male witnesses or one male and two female witnesses. None of these requirements were available when you agreed to getting married, also constituting your marriage as invalid.

If you have already cut off contact with this man, then continue to do so. He is not your husband. When you are ready to get married inshallah, you must do it the correct way. There's a reason your gut feeling was telling you no. If anything had happened to you, who would have helped you if no one knew about this secret "marriage"?

Seek forgiveness from Allah inshallah, and most of all you have to learn more about your deen so that you can avoid situations like this. Do not speak to any man who is not an immediate relative to you. A man who wants to marry you will honor you and your family, not keep everything a secret. This man wanted to use you.

**Bonk** · 05-16-2016

Thank you for your reply. It has made it clear that this is the case. I have let the brother know about this via text still waiting on a reply. JazakaAllah

**Bonk** · 05-16-2016

JazakAllah for this post. I will use this as evidence and it's clear now. Unfortunetly, I have no father now.. But I know more now

**Bonk** · 05-16-2016

Sister... I cannot reply to you on pm due to rules of posting 10 or more threads... I am sorry, in shaa Allah I will keep updated and I will try to get back to you on their ASAP. Allah hafiz

)

**Bonk** · 05-16-2016

Originally Posted by *charisma*

Assalamu Alaikum
@Bonk

There's a few worrying things about what you've written, but I want you to realize that this may be a relief for you.

You are not married. If you did not have your father's permission or a male guardian present from your father's side then this marriage is invalid, and it's horrifying to know that you were tricked into thinking you were married all of this time. The Prophet ﷺ said, according to the hadeeth narrated by ‘Aa’ishah: “Any woman who gets married without a wali, her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; classed as hasan by Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879.

Inshallah you did not sleep with the guy or "consummate" what you thought was your marriage.

Please understand that in Islam women have rights such as the right to a dowry, the obligation to be given away by her guardians, the right to a house, a walima, etc. all of which you are not receiving. There is no such thing as a secret marriage in Islam. Along with your male guardian (your father, brother, or someone from your father's side) there must also be two male witnesses or one male and two female witnesses. None of these requirements were available when you agreed to getting married, also constituting your marriage as invalid.

If you have already cut off contact with this man, then continue to do so. He is not your husband. When you are ready to get married inshallah, you must do it the correct way. There's a reason your gut feeling was telling you no. If anything had happened to you, who would have helped you if no one knew about this secret "marriage"?

Seek forgiveness from Allah inshallah, and most of all you have to learn more about your deen so that you can avoid situations like this. Do not speak to any man who is not an immediate relative to you. A man who wants to marry you will honor you and your family, not keep everything a secret. This man wanted to use you.

Thank you for your reply... I have read and considered and understood this now. I am a practising Muslim and I am trying my best to become closer to Allah SWT and in shaa Allah. It's true the only thing I can do is ask for forgiveness from the most forgiving... And about the marriage being invalid, I can't believe they've never mentioned it. Rather they say it's permissible because I agreed to it and he agreed meaning we are and its offical. I wish I had more knowledge or I could have sorted it sooner or not even be in this situation.

JazakAllah

**Bonk** · 05-16-2016

Sorry I just found out how to reply individually. Bear with me brothers and sisters

**anatolian** · 05-16-2016

Originally Posted by crookedrib

Wa 'alaykum assalaam If you got married without your father aka your wali's consent, your marriage is invalid.The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “There is no marriage except with a guardian.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1101); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel (1893).*May Allah ease your situation

Originally Posted by crookedrib

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1102), classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel (1840).

Originally Posted by *charisma*

Assalamu Alaikum
@Bonk

There's a few worrying things about what you've written, but I want you to realize that this may be a relief for you.

You are not married. If you did not have your father's permission or a male guardian present from your father's side then this marriage is invalid, and it's horrifying to know that you were tricked into thinking you were married all of this time. The Prophet ﷺ said, according to the hadeeth narrated by ‘Aa’ishah: “Any woman who gets married without a wali, her marriage is invalid, invalid, invalid.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1102; classed as hasan by Abu Dawood, 2083; Ibn Maajah, 1879.

Salam Aleikum.

Lets imagine a girl from a nonmuslim family converted to Islam. Her father doesnt want her to marry a muslim man. How can she marry? Is there any hope for this girl?

**muslimah_B** · 05-16-2016

Originally Posted by anatolian

Salam Aleikum.

Lets imagine a girl from a nonmuslim family converted to Islam. Her father doesnt want her to marry a muslim man. How can she marry? Is there any hope for this girl?

Walaykum asalam

Her wali becomes the imam of the masjid she goes to. or any imam she choses... we just have to speak to the imam about our situation as being only muslim in family and say you would like him (ie imam) to be wali as you would like to get married.

**anatolian** · 05-16-2016

Originally Posted by muslimah_B

Walaykum asalam

Her wali becomes the imam of the masjid she goes to. or any imam she choses... we just have to speak to the imam about our situation as being only muslim in family and say you would like him (ie imam) to be wali as you would like to get married.

Salam sis. How do you know this? Is this your own interpretation or based on a source?

**muslimah_B** · 05-16-2016

Originally Posted by anatolian

Salam sis. How do you know this? Is this your own interpretation or based on a source?

Walaykum asalam

I know because my friend got married and appointed the imam as her wali, i also learnt it in fiqh classes

But here is the source, it also mentions other people that can be the wali,

https://islamqa.info/en/208700