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  1. #1
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    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

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    Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

    There is an Islamic forum/chatroom I used to visit. It was good as I asked questions and it helped me learn about the Deen, and I also helped other Muslims out. I stayed there for a couple of months and left. It's a mixed forum, and I realized when I would post, I'll answer questions or talk about topics that would interest certain brothers so they could be impressed with me. I know that I shouldn't do that, but I got attached to a few brother on that site and would start doing things so they could like me. I loved their attention but I felt this is wrong and I left the forum altogether.

    Now, I have thoughts of going back to that site. I would also go there for the intention of impressing the brothers there. I can't help it but I tell myself to refrain, so I have done so. Occasionally i get thoughts of returning and feel a sense of regret for not going back to the site, but I feel better that I'm at least not getting sins. I feel the urge to go back all the time and I really need advice on how to forget about all this and to stop myself from using that site again?
    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

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    anatolian's Avatar
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    If you don't commit sin it is ok
    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    “Either seem as you are or be as you seem” Rumi

  4. #3
    'Abd-al Latif's Avatar
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop



    Wanting to impress the opposite gender is natural but this has to be kept within the correct boundaries. Get married if you are able to and impress the one man for the rest of your life. If you are not able to get married then occupy your time worshiping Allah by seeking knowledge, reciting Qur'an and spending time productively in your way to Allah.
    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    And verily for everything that a slave loses there is a substitute, but the one who loses Allah will never find anything to replace Him.”
    [Related by Ibn al-Qayyim in ad-Dâ' wad-Dawâ Fasl 49]



  5. #4
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    As a brother and taking your 'perception' on the matter, I tend to engage in dialogues that has room to offer thought process. Not so much due to being impressed by comments made.

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    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    As long as my heart does beat, I shall live, not lie
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    Sis, I would suggest you try and stay away from that forum is you find this is a problem - you already have as you've said, so it may be hard but try to keep it up inshaAllah.

    This doesn't just happen with the opposite gender, or just on online forums. At times in real life we can find ourselves doing or saying things solely for the reason of impressing people, whether we know them or not - it is very natural to be 'liked' or 'popular'. But in all honesty, trying to impress people will always leave you wanting more, and never being satisfied - so you should try not to put how you see yourself or your self-worth in the hands of others. We should strive to impress only Allah swt, and do those things which interest and engage us, not others.

    If there is a discussion about something I have no knowledge of, or I am not interested in, I don't reply. I read though most of the posts here but I'll only be involved in the ones which speak out to me and my interests
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    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    Ya Muqallib al-Quloob, Thabbit Qalbi Ala Deenik
    Oh turner of the Hearts make my heart firm on Your Deen







  8. #6
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    Assalamu Alaikum

    I think you're afraid that if someone shows interest it might make you fall into fitnah? If so, then you can join a Sister's only forum. You haven't really done anything wrong, but if your perception is that you feel that you are intentionally seducing brothers then maybe you should remove yourself from that situation, because intentions can sometimes lead to actions if the opportunity presents itself. You seem like you're young and just started getting interested in guys, so maybe start talking to your parents about marriage. Even if you're not yet ready, they can at least search for someone or accept possible suitors until you are. Until then, don't let the thought of being with someone distract you. Finish school, make ibadah, make dua that allah protects you from the fitnah of this world and grant u someone suitable..basically do what you need to do for you, and then inshallah everything else will fall into place when you least expect it.
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    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    D e a t h

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    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
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  9. #7
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    Wa'alaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabaraktuh.

    I know personally with many women. My relationship with them is always good. We respect each other.

    I myself a widower, since my beloved wife passed away on June, 2013. Yes, I have desire to remarry. But I decide to wait until my children ready to accept 'new mother'. Frankly, it makes me lonely, and ....... yes, it raise an urge in my heart to impress those women because I hope they would give me attention that I need.

    But Alhamdulillah, I can control this urge because I am thinking long. I am worry, if I try to impress them, then their positive view on me would turn into negative and they lose their respect to me.

    Young sister, someone must be can feel if you try to impress him. And it will affect his view on you. Probably become more positive, but probably too become negative. This is what you must consider before you try to impress someone.

  10. #8
    Arfa's Avatar
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    Dear sis,It falls naturally that we like to impress others ,sometimes to the extent that we forget our own identity.I basically feel it's because everyone likes social approval but at the end of day you are sacrificing your goals ,time and priorities for social approval.So as muslims we should only impress Allah first then comes out major relationship that is of husband and wife/son/daughter and parents.As The more energy we try to put elsewhere the less capable we will be in fulfilling our real obligations.

  11. #9
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    JazakAllah khair for your replies, they were really great and helpful. Ramadan Mubarak everyone. I stopped posting on that forum but I lurk there very often, like a couples of times every day. I get deep urges to post and it takes a lot of effort to refrain myself from posting. My main intention of going there is mainly and solely to impress the brothers. I feel really bad saying that, but that's how it is. In the past, i would say things mainly to grab the brothers attention and make them recognise me. I noticed a few brothers on that chat board will show interest in me and speak to me privately in messages in a manner they wouldn't do openly and publicly on the chatboard in front of everyone. I honestly felt so happy from how these religious brothers would talk to me and have an admiration from me.

    i know and can feel my actions are wrong, but I have difficulties to control it. I am blessed with great debating skills and I'll spend a lot of times debating about topics in religion and I can feel that many brothers were drawn into reading all my posts and applauding me for what a good debater I was. The more the brothers praised me, the more it encouraged and motivated me to continue debating. I soon started to feel that my intentions were to impress the brothers than to seek or spread knowledge. I could also tell how a lot of brothers fell in love with me and still think about me. I speak french very fluently, and i would speak it sometimes on the forum. A brother on there started making threads about how he wishes to speak french and how that's a language he wants to learn. I can sense he indirectly likes me and anything associated with me.

    I even mentioned I'm 21 years and that same brother would posts on threads about how old he wants a wife, he says he wants a 21 year old one. I can sense I've affected the brothers there and felt guilty that my presence there was fitna so I left because i felt guilty in distracting the brothers. I don't post now, it's been nearly a month since I stopped posting, and I still recognise the indirect effects I've imprinted on the brothers and how they think about me. At times i still get strong urges to post but i refrain and think about the wrongness of my actions.

    I want to ask the brothers here a question, I hope it's not an issue, please forgive me if it is because I don't understand how men think. Can a females post on a chat board be tempting for a brother or not? If she writes inappropriate things or describes herself will brothers feel attached to her? I just wanted to know if brothers see a females post, do they just see it as words or can it tempt them and they start visualising the female who's posting? If a brother answers this honestly, then that can scare me from going to that forum because I will understand the consequences my actions have on the brothers there.
    I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

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  13. #10
    Hamza Asadullah's Avatar
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    Re: I want to stop impressing guys and need help on how to stop

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    JazakAllah khair for your replies, they were really great and helpful. Ramadan Mubarak everyone. I stopped posting on that forum but I lurk there very often, like a couples of times every day. I get deep urges to post and it takes a lot of effort to refrain myself from posting. My main intention of going there is mainly and solely to impress the brothers. I feel really bad saying that, but that's how it is. In the past, i would say things mainly to grab the brothers attention and make them recognise me. I noticed a few brothers on that chat board will show interest in me and speak to me privately in messages in a manner they wouldn't do openly and publicly on the chatboard in front of everyone. I honestly felt so happy from how these religious brothers would talk to me and have an admiration from me.

    i know and can feel my actions are wrong, but I have difficulties to control it. I am blessed with great debating skills and I'll spend a lot of times debating about topics in religion and I can feel that many brothers were drawn into reading all my posts and applauding me for what a good debater I was. The more the brothers praised me, the more it encouraged and motivated me to continue debating. I soon started to feel that my intentions were to impress the brothers than to seek or spread knowledge. I could also tell how a lot of brothers fell in love with me and still think about me. I speak french very fluently, and i would speak it sometimes on the forum. A brother on there started making threads about how he wishes to speak french and how that's a language he wants to learn. I can sense he indirectly likes me and anything associated with me.

    I even mentioned I'm 21 years and that same brother would posts on threads about how old he wants a wife, he says he wants a 21 year old one. I can sense I've affected the brothers there and felt guilty that my presence there was fitna so I left because i felt guilty in distracting the brothers. I don't post now, it's been nearly a month since I stopped posting, and I still recognise the indirect effects I've imprinted on the brothers and how they think about me. At times i still get strong urges to post but i refrain and think about the wrongness of my actions.

    I want to ask the brothers here a question, I hope it's not an issue, please forgive me if it is because I don't understand how men think. Can a females post on a chat board be tempting for a brother or not? If she writes inappropriate things or describes herself will brothers feel attached to her? I just wanted to know if brothers see a females post, do they just see it as words or can it tempt them and they start visualising the female who's posting? If a brother answers this honestly, then that can scare me from going to that forum because I will understand the consequences my actions have on the brothers there.
    Asalaamu Alaikum

    My dear sister it clearly shows you have fear for your imaan and that is why you sense in your heart that it is wrong to post in forums with the wrong intention.

    What we must realise is that men and women have been created to be attracted to one another. It is in our nature. Hence why non mahram men and women must not talk privately with one other whether face to face or via text messaging, forums, chatrooms etc. This is because when we talk privately with the opposite sex shaythan is also present and igniting desires within both men and women.

    The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) warned us against being alone with a non-mahram woman, and said: “No man is alone with a woman but the shaytaan is the third one present.” [Narrated by Ahmad, al-Tirmidhi and al-Haakim;].

    It is also a big deception that many of us fall into when a so called "religious" man or woman talk to one another then shaythan tries to reassure us that it is "ok" because we are talking about Islam. This is how shaythan works his way into igniting passions and desires in the man and woman concerned. Hence we should be even more mindful of falling into the trap of talking to the opposite sex about deen or anything related to Islam. Shaythan works very cleverly and gradually. So many have fallen due to this. Even the most pious have fallen for this trap. Hence why we must never talk to the opposite sex without a mahram being present. Otherwise shaythan will be the third person.

    Men and women have different natures. Men are more visual and you are correct in stating that sometimes a man may visualise a sister based on her posts and have the desire to private message. Sisters on the other hand may be quite naïve to this. But this is because many of us do not understand each others natures. Hence why if we follow Allah's commands and refrain from talking to the opposite sex privately then we will remain on safe ground.

    Also realise sister that there are many predators out there. Men who pose as "religious" but in fact have different intentions and a disease in their hearts. So they may come across like the mosepious person but only Allah knows what they intend in their hearts. Many of these men are lurking in chatrooms and various social media websites and even so called "Islamic marriage sites". There have been cases where non Muslims and married men have posed as single Muslim men on these websites and have deceived many women into having relations before marriage and even married them and later on they found out they were actually not what they seemed. So sisters must be very careful indeed.

    Many brothers also get deceived by people posing as sisters who have lost loved ones and are in a dire situation and request money. One of my neighbours fell into this trap on a Muslim marriage websites and lost hundreds of pounds sending money via western union to a person who posed as a "desperate sister in need who lost family etc".

    So my sister we must refrain from talking to the opposite sex privately no matter where whether face to face and online because shaythan is the biggest deceiver and schemer and many have and will fall for his traps.

    With regards to posting on Islamic forums then we must always check our intentions and sincerity no matter what good deed we intend to do. This is because shaythan aims to corrupt our good deeds by making us have the wrong intentions and insincerity. Many of us will lose out heavily on the day of Judgement when it becomes clear that so many of our good deeds are worthless because they were corrupted with bad intentions and insincerity. So if we feel that we are intending to do an act and have not got the right intentions then we must refrain from doing such an act. Otherwise it will go against us on the day of judgement. So if you feel that you are posting on Islamic forums or forwarding texts and posts on social media and even giving dawah with the wrong intentions then refrain from doing so until you have cleared your intentions and are sincere.

    Remember every good act we do that is corrupted with the wrong intention and insincerity then it will be rejected by Allah and he will ask us about it on the day of Judgement. We must take this matter seriously.

    Also when it comes to debating on forums. social media websites or even face to face then we must judge for ourselves whether it is worth our valuable time and energy or will it be fruitless. Somany people waste valuable precious time on forums and social media websites and face to face on fruitless worthless debates, particularly on fiqh matters for which we have no knowledge. Therefore we should avoid debates, arguments etc and save our time and energy on that which will benefit us.

    So no matter what we are doing in our lives we must judge every situation and establish whether what we are going to do will benefit us in this world and/or the next or not. If it will not hten we should refrain from it. This month is so precious and valuable that we must not waste a single second on fruitless debates, arguments and discussions. We must use every second to benefit ourselves in this world and the next. Otherwise the time we wasted in this world will be a source of utter regret on the day of judgement.

    May Allah enable us to use our time wisely and save us from the tricks and deceptions of shaythan and save us from our desires. Ameen
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