Finding Iman?

**MisterK** · 07-09-2016

Hello,

I'm not 100% sure this is the correct sub-forum for this, but it does seem the most fitting. Apologies if it isn't, and apologies on the length, I've included a brief synopsis for those less inclined to read the full thing.

TL

R version:
Lacking faith in most of the Six Pillars of Iman, attracted to societal/cultural aspects of Islam, currently an agnostic atheist and sense of reason won't let me believe despite emotionally wanting to. How can one go about creating faith when head and heart are clashing?

Full version:
Recently I've read the Holy Quran in English, and have been reading a book entitled "The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam" by Islamic scholar Yusuf al-Qaradawi, and another called "The Essentials of the Islamic Faith" by M. Fethullah Gülen.

As I read the Holy Quran, the further into I moved, I could feel a sort of emotional attraction to it, and found myself liking most of the cultural laws. This attraction to Islam and how it is designed for charity, family, community, health, and so on continues to grow as I read the book by Qatadawi (which tends to draw its conclusions from the Holy Quran and thw Haddiths). Gülen's book is more about the spiritual aspects of Islam, and it too has a certain appeal (some of it reads as things I previously believed, just with Islamic terminology).

So I have all of these reasons to become Muslim, but despite these attractions, I'm lacking in one very important thing; belief in the Six Pillars of Iman.

I'm an agnostic atheist, and as much as I would like to beleive, I find my head and heart will not synchronize on this.

Of the pillars, belief in Al-Qadar is the easiest to obtain, as everything does seem to be preordained in one way or another. By that I mean the events of now are determined reactions based on past events, all the way to the beginning of time. Things happen as they do because as a result of what came before. If things were to happen differently it would be because of different past events. If I could find faith in Allah, it would be a no-brainer that it is all as He willed.

The next easiest is belief in His books and Messenges as the Holy Quran does seem to have some scientific understandings beyond its time, and fixes some of the hard-to-believe aspects of the earlier books (such as Jesus being a prophet, and not both God and God's Son). I'm sure there are arguments against these things, but it isn't difficult to see how the Holy Quran could be divinely revealed, and Prophet Muhammad as one chosen by Allah to be a messenger given how many verses of Holy Quran can be seen as revealing scientific truths ahead of their time.

This leaves belief in the Last Day, angels, and of course, Allah Himself as the trouble spots (so to speak) for me. Of course, if I found faith in Allah, I feel the rest would fall into place. Despite wanting to believe (I recall I was happier, more at peace, before I became an atheist), I have all of these arguments in my head that won't allow for it.

So, once having faith in the concepts of God, angelic forces, the afterlife, and so on, the question is, once lost, how can one go about finding their faith again, even as every bit of their reasoning abilities says that such faith is illogical and wrong?

**Search** · 07-25-2016

(In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

@MisterK

So, I should also mention that I would research different religions in different points of time in the background of my life just out of my own interest, which aligned with wanting to understand cultures and human nature and human history. I didn't research religions with the intention to adopt a religion or because I was searching for a religion. No, that's not it at all. I researched and studied for my own edification, much like a person might Google something like "polyandry" without actually intending to engage in it himself/herself.

In college, I switched majors three times in college - from history to classical studies to anthropology - but stuck with anthropology and also studied communication as a minor. I think I was perhaps in hindsight searching for something but in my mind it wasn't religion, and I certainly would laughed if someone had said I was searching for religion because I wasn't.

Even though I didn't lack for anything and my parents at that point in time were financially stable and I was busy and doing well in college and living in a dorm and had a good social life with nice friends, I did feel something was missing from my life when I was alone sometimes. Gaiety of life couldn't take that intangible feeling in the inner me that something's just...missing. Now, of course, the cynic somewhere might see things like this as our First World problem? People in other parts of the world are starving and here I have a good life and I am not unhappy but just unsatisfied somehow still when I was in college. Other things happened and my senior year was the worst year of my life in college in terms of academic pressure and stress. I decided then that I wouldn't go to law school immediately but take some time off. My parents were angry and disappointed because they thought I was making a horrible decision, maybe the worst mistake of my life. However, I was adamant that I wouldn't go straightaway to law school. My parents were still unhappy, but they finally relented because they knew I was too stubborn and arrogant (yes, not good character traits, but I'm being honest about how I was) and therefore they knew better than to try to keep trying to change my mind because I wouldn't budge an inch.

This was a pivotal turning point in my life (only I didn't know it then!). I had researched major religions prior to this, but I don't know why I hadn't previously researched Islam. I can't exactly say why, but I guess it just didn't really cross my mind. Keep the story of the yoga and witchcraft project I'd told you earlier in mind because I'd become a "spiritual" atheist, whatever the heck that meant, and I don't even think I knew what I meant by describing myself as that. But even in a blog post I'd written in college, I'd described myself as "spiritual," even though I didn't engage in any rituals or anything and was still an atheist and my meditation/breathing exercise was limited to doing that one thing in yoga which I'd learned to sometimes do when I was stressed.

Like I'd told you, the yoga and my one-year long independent research project had opened my mind to the unseen. The other thing that I'd tell you to keep in mind is that my father once told me that when he was a young man he would find quotes that he felt were meaningful and memorable and write them down in his journal to remember as words to which he could live by. Now, this is interesting because I used to do something similar except of course replace diary with computer word document. So, I had this habit of whenever I used to read a quote that was interesting or I really liked, I'd either write it down on my computer or if it was already written down in a magazine or calendar mark the page by folding it or highlighting the words. Over years, I'd read many fantastic quotes that I'd loved.

You'll hear a lot of stories of how people came to Islam. Most people seem to come by Islam by reading the Quran: Well, not me! I guess I've always taken an off-beaten path for some reason in life and not intentionally I'd say either. Instead, there was a site on Islam in which hadiths were searchable, and I would type in a word like "kind" or whatever I was feeling that day and then read hadiths that came up. Well, I'd read those hadiths and then tears would start flowing on my face, and I couldn't understand why I was tearful because I didn't think I'd read objectively anything that profound as the words were simple but something in my heart would feel something strange even though I'd over the course of my life read many profound quotes. This kept happening until I started to research into Quran. I tried to read the Quran, but the Old English translation was too dull for me, and I wanted something more engaging (as I'm a spoiled Millennial!). So, I started watching YouTube videos in which the speaker was Nouman Ali Khan and he'd explain the miraculous nature of Quran with evidence. This was great for me because I could never believe something which didn't have evidence, and I'd watch avidly all of his videos and contemplate on his words and my life. This is important because while I do believe that some science is contained in the Quran, Quran is ultimately a guidance book and not a science book. Anyhow, I'd at this point started becoming convinced that Islam might be/probably was from God, but I didn't want to live my life as a Muslim and still resisted the lure of/rejected Islam. First off, I am ENFP, which if you don't know the personality-type means I'm free-spirited and I hate rules, and Islam seemed to have rules. Secondly, I was a staunch feminist, and I wasn't especially modest (especially in dressing and didn't desire to be). Thirdly, I still had trouble with the unseen (angels, devils, blah-blah).

I'd been in this post trying to get at how I came to eventually accept the unseen as per Islam, but I don't want to overwhelm/overload you in one go, even though you seem to be handling long posts well. This post would probably be lengthened further if I continued in this vein, and therefore I'm going to save this for another time God-willing. Thank you for your patience and consideration.

Wishing you much awesomeness,

**Serinity** · 07-25-2016

Try read a lot of Quran, and then seek questions. So ask questions WHILE you read the Quran. So read it!

Listen to the recitations, etc. May Allah

guide you. Ameen.

Allahu alam.

**MisterK** · 07-25-2016

Originally Posted by Search

(In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

MisterK

So, I should also mention that I would research different religions in different points of time in the background of my life just out of my own interest, which aligned with wanting to understand cultures and human nature and human history. I didn't research religions with the intention to adopt a religion or because I was searching for a religion. No, that's not it at all. I researched and studied for my own edification, much like a person might Google something like "polyandry" without actually intending to engage in it himself/herself.

In college, I switched majors three times in college - from history to classical studies to anthropology - but stuck with anthropology and also studied communication as a minor. I think I was perhaps in hindsight searching for something but in my mind it wasn't religion, and I certainly would laughed if someone had said I was searching for religion because I wasn't.

I understand, and feel I can relate. I've looked into a lot of religions and belief systems, read various holy books and other materials about them in order to gain understanding, not for a desire to practice. That is why I find my current situation very unexpected but somewhat fascinating, because I read the Qur'an initially just to learn more about Islam, I did not expect to actually be drawn in by it in any way. As I mentioned before, I went into this as a strong skeptic and atheist, so reading any book about any religion intending to adopt it was something that never once entered my mind.

Originally Posted by Search

Even though I didn't lack for anything and my parents at that point in time were financially stable and I was busy and doing well in college and living in a dorm and had a good social life with nice friends, I did feel something was missing from my life when I was alone sometimes. Gaiety of life couldn't take that intangible feeling in the inner me that something's just...missing. Now, of course, the cynic somewhere might see things like this as our First World problem? People in other parts of the world are starving and here I have a good life and I am not unhappy but just unsatisfied somehow still when I was in college

I know exactly what you mean. There is a song that is in my head a lot, called "I Want More, part 1" by a group (no longer together) called "Faithless." The point of the lyrics hit me hard, as I am dealing with the very thing your describing here. I'll only share a couple verses (can't link to things yet, unfortunately), but it is enough to drive the point home;

Hey friend your misery bewilders me
How come you're never satisfied or gratified
Four walls n' a roof, electricity,
Stable mind, wife and child,
Hot and cold water to run anytime.
But still you, whine.

I want more

A bum could rummage through ya bin
And live like a king
On just one crumb o'ya cake
N'ya say ya life needs fulfilling
Some would give anything to live like you
Shame your mind, don't shine
Like your possessions do.
Whining, complaining all the time,
Don't see no rain on you
What side your bread is buttered on
If only you knew

What d'ya mean
I want more

* * *

Despite having what most on the planet would called a blessed, if not out right indulgent, life, there is a severe absence of meaning, of anything really resembling fulfilment. I *think* I know what those missing things are, I can't know for certain unless I obtain them in some fashion, and those things are things that seem rather central to Islam; family, community and the like. All things technically obtainable outside of Islam, for sure, but the simple revelation of that missing something doesn't seem, to me at least, as reason alone to have the pull I feel on an emotional level.

Originally Posted by Search

Other things happened and my senior year was the worst year of my life in college in terms of academic pressure and stress. I decided then that I wouldn't go to law school immediately but take some time off. My parents were angry and disappointed because they thought I was making a horrible decision, maybe the worst mistake of my life. However, I was adamant that I wouldn't go straightaway to law school. My parents were still unhappy, but they finally relented because they knew I was too stubborn and arrogant (yes, not good character traits, but I'm being honest about how I was) and therefore they knew better than to try to keep trying to change my mind because I wouldn't budge an inch.

This was a pivotal turning point in my life (only I didn't know it then!). I had researched major religions prior to this, but I don't know why I hadn't previously researched Islam. I can't exactly say why, but I guess it just didn't really cross my mind. Keep the story of the yoga and witchcraft project I'd told you earlier in mind because I'd become a "spiritual" atheist, whatever the heck that meant, and I don't even think I knew what I meant by describing myself as that. But even in a blog post I'd written in college, I'd described myself as "spiritual," even though I didn't engage in any rituals or anything and was still an atheist and my meditation/breathing exercise was limited to doing that one thing in yoga which I'd learned to sometimes do when I was stressed.

Likewise on the studying of Islam matter. All the religions I've studied, up until just recently Islam never crossed my mind to actually research. I wonder what would have happened if I'd researched it early, under different life circumstances, if I'd still feel as I do. And I also understand what (I think) you mean by "spiritual atheist." A lot of atheists I've seen, away from the anti-theist type of atheists, seem to have some sort of spiritual belief, even if it is a "one with nature" type of Zen-like idea, and not so much afterlives and spirits (though I've met some of those types of atheists as well, they subscribe to the idea of a godless cosmos to which life exists in a myriad of forms well beyond what we can see or deduce scientifically). As for my parents, they're happy I finally found a path (better late than never) in terms of school and developing a career and such, but I imagine all the good will that gained would be gone, and more, if I do end up adopting Islam. I can actually see a lot of relationships fracturing if I did (and came out as Muslim), which, of course, would bring about a whole different set of problems.

Originally Posted by Search

Like I'd told you, the yoga and my one-year long independent research project had opened my mind to the unseen. The other thing that I'd tell you to keep in mind is that my father once told me that when he was a young man he would find quotes that he felt were meaningful and memorable and write them down in his journal to remember as words to which he could live by. Now, this is interesting because I used to do something similar except of course replace diary with computer word document. So, I had this habit of whenever I used to read a quote that was interesting or I really liked, I'd either write it down on my computer or if it was already written down in a magazine or calendar mark the page by folding it or highlighting the words. Over years, I'd read many fantastic quotes that I'd loved.

A good collection of personally meaningful quotes has helped get me through many a dark time.

Originally Posted by Search

You'll hear a lot of stories of how people came to Islam. Most people seem to come by Islam by reading the Quran: Well, not me! I guess I've always taken an off-beaten path for some reason in life and not intentionally I'd say either. Instead, there was a site on Islam in which hadiths were searchable, and I would type in a word like "kind" or whatever I was feeling that day and then read hadiths that came up. Well, I'd read those hadiths and then tears would start flowing on my face, and I couldn't understand why I was tearful because I didn't think I'd read objectively anything that profound as the words were simple but something in my heart would feel something strange even though I'd over the course of my life read many profound quotes. This kept happening until I started to research into Quran. I tried to read the Quran, but the Old English translation was too dull for me, and I wanted something more engaging (as I'm a spoiled Millennial!). So, I started watching YouTube videos in which the speaker was Nouman Ali Khan and he'd explain the miraculous nature of Quran with evidence. This was great for me because I could never believe something which didn't have evidence, and I'd watch avidly all of his videos and contemplate on his words and my life. This is important because while I do believe that some science is contained in the Quran, Quran is ultimately a guidance book and not a science book. Anyhow, I'd at this point started becoming convinced that Islam might be/probably was from God, but I didn't want to live my life as a Muslim and still resisted the lure of/rejected Islam. First off, I am ENFP, which if you don't know the personality-type means I'm free-spirited and I hate rules, and Islam seemed to have rules. Secondly, I was a staunch feminist, and I wasn't especially modest (especially in dressing and didn't desire to be). Thirdly, I still had trouble with the unseen (angels, devils, blah-blah).

I still haven't looked through any of the hadiths, other than those quoted in various threads here from time to time. I don't even really know where to start with them. Maybe it would be useful for me to do so.

The view that the Qur'an as a guidebook is one I've considered. I still think there is too much of a lack of evidence for me to accept the Qur'an, or any scripture, as a book of literal history, but a book of divine revelation to serve as a guide for mankind is something I'd be able to accept much more readily if I find faith at all. Even if I believed in Allah tomorrow, just woke up with my heart and mind believing, I still don't think I'd be able to accept a literal, historical, interpretation of any holy book, at least not with a sudden emergence of a large amount of objective, historical, evidence to support it.

Originally Posted by Search

I'd been in this post trying to get at how I came to eventually accept the unseen as per Islam, but I don't want to overwhelm/overload you in one go, even though you seem to be handling long posts well. This post would probably be lengthened further if I continued in this vein, and therefore I'm going to save this for another time God-willing. Thank you for your patience and consideration.

Wishing you much awesomeness,

I appreciate you taking the time to post and relate your experience here. I enjoy seeing people's reasons and journeys for believing what they do and how they came to be where they are.

**MisterK** · 07-28-2016

Originally Posted by muslimah_B

Well you are right that once you have faith in Allah that everything does just fall into place

If you sincerely want to believe then you can talk to Allah, and ask Allah to guide you to the truth and make your journey easy.

All of us at some point have days of doubt and low faith, this is human nature but having even the smallest amount of faith helps to keep us going and get back up.

I too once had those arguments within myself, but i just reminded myself of who Allah is, what Allah wants from me and why i believe, i understand how hard it is to once have believed in something totally different and lived the complete opposite life of how a muslim should, but believe me once you have your faith it gets better, you feel better and will realise you made the right decision no matter how much you went through to get there, it all becomes worth it

Il post some youtube videos for you that talk about who Allah is in sha Allah (God willing) they may help you and strengthen your faith

If they help and/or you would like more then im more than happy to post more

So, I've finished all of the videos you've linked me to, thanks again for them. I understood what they were saying, and found the "Am I being Tested" and "Don't be sad" videos particularly moving and emotionally useful. That sort of reasoning, that it (everything, good or bad) is all part of the plan, that there is meaning and purpose behind existence, that there is life after death and all that is very appealing to me. Yet, still, I can't reconcile my thinking mind and my emotions on the matter. My thinking mind still craves some sort of tangible, objective evidence to all of it, and that I just don't see. Of course, my thinking mind and emotional self being at odds isn't anything new.

Probably one of the most disconcerting of this is when I would get sleep paralysis fairly regularly, waking up, fully conscious, but unable to move. I knew the cause of it, and logically understand it while it was happening (and really, found it very annoying/frustrating), but despite my logical thoughts, on a purely emotional level I would feel a permeating primal fear take over my being over being unable to move... and no amount of reasoning would make it go away (in fact, I even felt kind of dumb for feeling afraid over it, but still couldn't ease the fear. Now, with enough instances of the paralysis the fear did go away, leaving me with just the frustration, but still, before it did, I've never known a great dissonance between my mind and emotions. This current situation regarding Allah and Islam is probably at a tie for the second biggest instance of dissonance between mind and emotion for me.

The Jinn videos didn't really expand on anything I hadn't picked up on from the Qur'an and other reading I've done, but they were still good refreshers. And the one basically being done a poem was a nice touch. The Day of Judgement videos, frankly, I was surprised at how similar the lore was to Biblical lore, but then it also made sense since the Bible is still considered (mostly) true in Islam (as far as I understand it). And, of course, I did feel a bit of that old fear I've previously mentioned return, as end time scenarios tend to do that too me (especially Biblical-esque ones, given my Catholic up-bringing in my early life).In the end, and while being good explanations for what is believed in Islam regarding Jinn and the end of days, none of these videos did anything to move me closer to accepting the Unseen.

Truthfully, other than some sort of undeniable evidence, I don't know what might.

**Arfa** · 07-28-2016

So many new posts here

. I'm not really sure what kind of proof makes you able to trust and develop faith

But here's a video I found on YouTube.

http://youtu.be/gC2_IMz9qcY

**Serinity** · 07-28-2016

Originally Posted by MisterK

So, I've finished all of the videos you've linked me to, thanks again for them. I understood what they were saying, and found the "Am I being Tested" and "Don't be sad" videos particularly moving and emotionally useful. That sort of reasoning, that it (everything, good or bad) is all part of the plan, that there is meaning and purpose behind existence, that there is life after death and all that is very appealing to me. Yet, still, I can't reconcile my thinking mind and my emotions on the matter. My thinking mind still craves some sort of tangible, objective evidence to all of it, and that I just don't see. Of course, my thinking mind and emotional self being at odds isn't anything new.

Probably one of the most disconcerting of this is when I would get sleep paralysis fairly regularly, waking up, fully conscious, but unable to move. I knew the cause of it, and logically understand it while it was happening (and really, found it very annoying/frustrating), but despite my logical thoughts, on a purely emotional level I would feel a permeating primal fear take over my being over being unable to move... and no amount of reasoning would make it go away (in fact, I even felt kind of dumb for feeling afraid over it, but still couldn't ease the fear. Now, with enough instances of the paralysis the fear did go away, leaving me with just the frustration, but still, before it did, I've never known a great dissonance between my mind and emotions. This current situation regarding Allah and Islam is probably at a tie for the second biggest instance of dissonance between mind and emotion for me.

The Jinn videos didn't really expand on anything I hadn't picked up on from the Qur'an and other reading I've done, but they were still good refreshers. And the one basically being done a poem was a nice touch. The Day of Judgement videos, frankly, I was surprised at how similar the lore was to Biblical lore, but then it also made sense since the Bible is still considered (mostly) true in Islam (as far as I understand it). And, of course, I did feel a bit of that old fear I've previously mentioned return, as end time scenarios tend to do that too me (especially Biblical-esque ones, given my Catholic up-bringing in my early life).In the end, and while being good explanations for what is believed in Islam regarding Jinn and the end of days, none of these videos did anything to move me closer to accepting the Unseen.

Truthfully, other than some sort of undeniable evidence, I don't know what might.

I think there will come a time, where perhaps the only thing you may doubt is the hereafter.. or something. Allah knows best.

But never underestimate any information on Islam!

**Search** · 07-31-2016

(In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)

@MisterK

Hey, hope you're doing well, and like I'd told you, I will update this thread; and I now have. Best wishes for everything!

There was a dream which I'd seen some time ago before this journey started of me learning Islam, and at the time I didn't know what it meant. I saw myself in prostration with a bright white blinding light directly coming overhead from the roof. Islamically, that means guidance. I just didn't know at the time though what it meant - so, it was meaningless to me, but I wanted to let you know this in case you have seen or might see dreams that are of significance Islamically.

Islamically, dreams are considered of three types: 1) from the nafs (ego) and therefore meaningless, 2) shaitaan (satan), and 3) from Allah. If your heart is pleased with a dream, then it's from God. However, if your heart is displeased, then it's probably from shaitaan or nafs. Prophet

(peace and blessings be upon him) said in the context of dreams being true during the Last Days, “That will be because the Prophethood and its effects will be so far away in time, so the believers will be given some compensation in the form of dreams which will bring them some good news or will help them to be patient and steadfast in their faith.”

Anyway, back to the topic of how I came to believe the unseen per Islam: Well, like I told you, I was an atheist, then described myself as spiritual even though I was still an atheist because of yoga and my project on witchcraft, and then my journey continued onward about learning Islam after I'd taken time off instead of going directly to law schools. Okay, we all have things in our life that haven't made much sense. Well, those things that had never made sense to me about my life prior to this made sense to me in light of Islam and what I'd been learning from Islam. I'd actually watched a lot of videos about Islam during that time and also contemplated a lot on certain ayats (verses) of Quran for actually hours at a time. I loved and learned so much about Islam from YouTube videos to other materials and articles online to the point that I'd started kind of believing in Islam, but like I'd told you, I didn't want to live a life of Islam.

For some reason, during this time, I came across the 99 names of Allah to which I'm linking you and in Arabic I recited the 99 names and then repeated some and I felt my whole body vibrating. I'd never experienced anything like it. To me, experiencing myself the vibration through recitation of 99 names of Allah further opened my mind to Islam, because I have never experienced this kind of vibration otherwise.

Also, during this time, since I've already spoke to you of my interest in witchcraft/black magic, I'd also found a video of a Satanist who'd repented from his Satanism. In a 9-hour long video in which he was interviewed, he spoke many things which were spooky, but what really interested me is the connectivity I could see with sihr (witchcraft) as described in Islam being a reality as well as during this time, I'd somehow also become interested in finding out if I had ever been the object of sihr or jinn. Somehow, I wound up through my study on this Forum called Ruqya Shariah Forum in which I learned specifically of how to cure oneself of sihr or jinn. Two books that I'd recommend to you on this subject which I'm attaching as a PDF are Jinn and Human Sickness and Sword Against Black Magic and Evil Magicians. So, I started reciting some of the recommended Quran ayats (verses) and Sunnah (prophetic) duas (supplications) as per Islam and you can imagine my surprise when I started having dreams indicating that I had long ago without my knowledge been a target of sihr and through my recitation was destroying sihr. As you can imagine, this not only freaked me out but I started really accepting the unseen as per Islam. More importantly, I distinctly remember the incident of a raqi (Islamic healer) saying that if there was a triangle-type spot on the body that the specific remedy required a specific recitation, and I did that recitation and saw before my very own eyes that triangle-type spot moving on my arm and then shrinking and changing its shape! I was seriously gobsmacked. Not only that, I began to "see" things like "energy parasites" in the form of spiders, things.

Then, alongside this happening, I'd also due to earlier having been troubled by the concept of unseen and sihr, I'd been experiencing a bit of insomnia and I'd read an article about how this person who was a chain-smoker couldn't quit smoking despite having tried various methods and in the end he hit upon the remedy of playing the Quran at night when sleeping with the intention that he'd cure himself of smoking and he'd become successful in then quitting the bad habit. I'd then thought if I could maybe get myself to be cured of this bit of insomnia, I'd be more relaxed and so I started playing the Quran at night too and been sleeping more peacefully. If you want to try something similar with whatever intention, you could try playing some audios at a low volume through the night too from this site as it has the same reciter to whom I'd listened known as Fares Abbad: Quran Audio.

Also, during this time, I'd also really started experiencing a love of God, not seeing God as an angry being or one looking to punish but as Being that is both merciful and just. This love had been increasing all along that I'd been learning about Islam and with watching so many YouTube videos on Islam until it finally culminated to the point where I'd as you know asked a theist about God and been told to think of God as a Power with power over all. The things I'd fought inside of myself such as wondering if I could ever discipline myself enough to read salat (prayer) and the like seemed so small now and manageable not because I was suddenly someone who could discipline myself but because I truly somewhere started believing that I could accomplish anything with the power and help of Allah and I was starting to become more humbled. More importantly, what I didn't realize (but I now realize) is that love can accomplish what fear or some other things can't. When I didn't love God, I couldn't accept anything that would ask me to discipline myself but nothing seemed to matter - rules or whatever - when I did start loving God because I actually wanted to submit. After realizing that love and humility in my heart, I made the sincere dua (supplication) (and this was during Ramadan which I now realize was the 27th Ramadan considered to be the Night of Power) for guidance from God. I made the dua (supplication) for guidance and for God to make the religion easy for me because I now believed in it as the Truth from God and therefore asked to make praying salat (prayer) easy for me as (at that moment in time) that was the thing that was concerning for me as I honestly didn't think I would be able to do so 5 times a day. Alhamdhullilah (thanks, praise, and credit to God), my dua (supplications) was accepted because despite the many flaws I have as a person and as a Muslim, salat (prayer) is one thing that God has made extremely easy for me despite me being generally still an undisciplined person in other areas of my life.

Like I'd told you, I'm not an especially modest person. I have read stories of how some females were modest and therefore attracted to Islam. Honestly, this part was a challenge for me, and though I'd started dressing modestly, I don't think I wore the hijab until three(?) years after my heart had submitted to Islam.

Also, in regards to the unseen, I have to tell you that I no longer have trouble with it because primarily of my experience with unseen. Through the practice of Quran and Sunnah (prophetic footsteps) and duas (supplications), my heart's inner eye known as basira in Arabic is relatively open though not as open as a person who probably is more conversant with all of the aforesaid more than I am and I still am getting a handle on things and Islamic meditation helps.

If you want your basira (inner eye) open, I think you should do so with the intention of meeting Prophet Muhammad

(peace and blessings be upon him) in either a dream or open vision that you can trust by reading this salawat/durood (blessings upon the prophet) which when I'd once read as a Muslim had led me to see a movie-like dream that had completely shocked me and had come true. The particular salawat/durood that I'm speaking of is known as Durood Fatih which in transliteration (which is a life-saver for persons like me who do not know Arabic) is: Allahumma salli ' wa sallim was baarik ala Sayyidina Muhammadil nil-fatihi lima Ughliqa wal khatimi lima sabaqa wan-naa-siril-haqqi bil-haqqi wal-hadi ila Sirati-kal-mustaqima sal-lal-lahu 'alayhi wa 'ala alihi wa-ashaabihi haqqa qadrihi wa-miq-da rihil-'azim. The translation of the Durood Fatih is: "O God bless our Master Muhammad (pbuh) who opened what had been closed, and who is the Seal of what had gone before, he who makes the Truth Victorious by the Truth, the guide to thy straight path, and bless his household as is the due of his immense position and grandeur." And I think you should read it 11 times before sleeping at night with the intention that God enables a meeting to happen between you and Prophet Muhammad

(peace and blessings be upon him) and if that meeting happens, in the dream, you should probably ask for your heart to become firm upon the Truth, for him (peace and blessings to be upon you) to pray for your welfare in dunya (world) and aakhirah (hereafter) and for you to be blessed with a wonderful spouse and partner to enjoy the blessings of both dunya (hereafter) and aakhirah (hereafter), and to enable you to drink from the Kausar river in Paradise.

And in case you're wondering, yes, I have seen Prophet Muhammad

(peace and blessings be upon him) in my dreams. And Prophet

(peace and blessings be upon him) said, “Whoever has seen me in a dream, then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape."

Now, unfortunately, one of the things that I'm really waiting for - lol :P- is the one about marriage coming true as that still hasn't happened, and it is one of my greatest wishes to have that come true. I also trust God that whatever happens will be for the best (and I'm gonna be okay whether I'm a single or a married person), but obviously, I want to enjoy the blessing and coolness of married life and children.

Also, in the meantime, I want you to know something about faith as per Islam; to be honest, I think faith is a muscle that has to be exercised just any like any other muscle if you want it to strengthen. I say this because I remember trying to talk to God during my journey in which I hadn't yet submitted to Islam but was coming closer and closer to Islam, and I felt so weird. I felt off and out of place and like I was a village idiot, because like I'd told you back then I still had problems accepting the unseen and to be honest I hadn't prayed for so long that I forgot what it was supposed to be like. So, that was very strange for myself, but as I started believing in Islam, it became easier and easier until it felt as natural as breathing to me when I embraced Islam from my heart.

Now, I'm not a perfect Muslim, and though I wish I was, I try to remember the directive of Prophet

from a larger hadith (prophetic tradition: "Do the best you can." And yes, I try, and I'm sure I fall short, but I think that's okay because I know Allah knows I'm trying.

I'd also ask you to watch these videos first after you've read my post because hopefully they'll open your heart to Islam further just as they did mine:
Top American Surgeon Embraced Islam
Divine Prologue 1
Divine Prologue 2

Finally, when you're open to Islam and have tried and tested some of the above stuff, keep us updated and let us know how you're progressing. And of course, all success is with God. By the way, if/when you do embrace Islam, I ask you to please also pray for your family's hearts to be opened to submission to God and for them to be guided as well and for them to be a positive force and influence in your life and to pray for anything that concerns you about your life presently like a job or marital partner or whatever and to also pray for all believers to be protected against all evil and harm.

Also, if you're wondering what the purpose of Islam is, well...Prophet Muhammad

himself said, “I have been sent to perfect noble character.” That was the mission of Islam, to enable our characters to be perfected so we can be in perfection just as our souls were in Heaven, to be in submission to God and in harmony with all.

I apologize again if this is a very long post, and if you have follow-up questions, you can PM me or we can continue our conversation here depending on your comfort level.

Wishing you awesomeness and happiness as you continue to learn,

**MisterK** · 07-31-2016