I found this forum today as I was looking dearly for someone to talk to. I am not typically a person who makes friends easily and the list of pious people I know is quite short.
I've been married for 8 years and have 3 wonderful children and a loving wife. Growing up in your typical Western Country I was subjected to many vices in my younger years and tried my best to avoid temptations.
When I was in my teens I gave in to temptation and committed a major sin. By divine chance I opened up the Quran and landed at the chapter dealing with this sin and immediately threw up when realised the enormity of my mistake. What followed was months of severe depression that almost destroyed me. It was only the words of a family doctor that lead me out of the darkness.
What followed this episode was an attempt to stop this sin by committing, in ignorance, other sins to stop the urges of re-offending. It was an ignorant way of thinking that this was a lesser of two evils, well at least that's how my brain justified it.
Just recently, a year ago now, I comitted another sin, which landed me back in depression. Again I made Tawbah and overcame it. It happened again a few months ago and this time the Shame, Anxiety and Depression lasted only a week or so as in my heart I believed it was Allah (SWT) giving me the wake up call I needed as I had become complacent. Believing Pornography was the culprit I abstained and have continued to abstain. I have been memorising Quran, Praying 5 times a day whilst making an effort to get to the Mosque as often as possible believing strengthening my Iman was the key to getting out of this cycle.
Alas, today I almost re-committed the sin. I put myself in the same situation even though I had a little voice in the back of my mind telling me not to. The waves of shame, depression and anxiety now overcome me as I write this. I have to put on a fake persona so my family is oblivious to what is happening inside but it's getting incredibly hard.
I genuinely believed I had turned the corner and that all the good deeds I was doing by getting close to Allah (SWT) would keep these temptations at bay. Now I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to beat these demons. This constant cycle of sin followed by depression will take it's toll and I have no one to turn to. I'm meant to conceal my sin but every fibre of my being just wants someone to confide in and help me.
I question myself often whether this remorse or shame is based on how people would perceive me if they found out or whether it's purely whether or not how Allah (SWT) would perceive me. I hope it's the latter as I know the Almighty is the only person I should be pleasing but fear I care more about what other people think of me. My loved ones and immediate family look up to me, they perceive me as the "good" one and the thought of them knowing the truth fills me with guilt and shame.
I'm so lost right now, I feel alone, ashamed, guilty and afraid this will impact my family life. I don't know who to turn to which is evident by me turning to you, anyonymous people across the other side of the world whom I've never met. I'm reaching out, willing to do what it takes to head back to the right path.
As I can't seem to surround myself with better company socially, I thought I'd at least make an attempt online to interact with some other Brothers & Sisters in this dark chapter of my life. May Allah shower you with Mercy for your help.
Guilt and shame can help you re-work your life. It is there to to prod your conscience... so it is doing its job. Now it is up to you to take cue..
It is an uphill struggle.....
Thank you replying brother. It is a hard place, I've been here before which is the most disappointing part. I thought I'd never let myself get back here.
At the moment my conscience is destroying me physically and mentally. I'm unable to sleep, eat or play with my kids. I don't feel sorry for myself as it was self inflicted.
Suggest:
- Seek a righteous, knowledgeable and respected scholar in your vicinity to assist in your islaah (spiritual reformation).
The journey of overcoming the nafs and attaining qurb/ closeness to Allah is one that requires the guidance of those who have already attained this bounty.
- If this is not possible, at least keep in the company of the pious and avoid any time with those who openly trangress the commands of Allah. We are the company that we keep.
- Constantly remind yourself: What if the angel of death were to visit whilst engaging in haraam? How many have lost their lives, and honor in this manner? As we do not know when death will approach, this should be a means of reproach for us at all times.
- Remember that this life is hastening to its end. Is it worth sacrificing eternity for fleeting pleasures?
- With sincere tauba/ repentence - know with certainty that Allah is Ar-Rahmaan, Ar-Raheem, Al-Ghaffar, Al-Afuw:
Say: 'O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins (except shirk): for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.'" (39:53)
May Allah (subhanawata'ala) forgive our shortcomings, keep us on siraatul mustaqqeem and make us from those beloved to Him. Ameen
Feeling remorse for crimes against Allah, oneself and others is what undoes the knots of shaytaan from the brain.
We definitely need to save that which pleases Allah as useful and save that which displeases Allah as a malware definition so that we immediately become cosy when faced with the tayyib and feel a gut-wrenching quiver when faced with the haraam.
we also want to pass on the good traits to our offspring who will find it easier to walk straight inshaAllah since noble traits are passed on to a certain extent and so are evil traits.
There's Qadr and then there's effort, signs of this are displayed within our tiny life cycle:
We need to focus on the effort since that's where we can make a difference - and trust that Allah will set the factors out of our control right.
We are all subject to Allah whether we willingly accept that or not and we are in need of His grace despite all of our best efforts, and our efforts in trying to walk along the path which pleases Allah helps in bringing that grace and guidance nearer.
No person is immune from stumbles brother, not even our father Adam (pbuh), best thing to do is try one's best to return to that which pleases Allah and avoid that which displeases Him to the best of one's ability - Allah is well aware of each person's circumstances and will certainly judge with justice.
Here are some dua which should help if we comprehend the meaning when saying them:
Allahumma inna nasta'inuka wa nastaghfiruka, wa nu'minu bika, wa natawwakkalu alayika, wa nusni alayikal khaira, wa nashkuruka wa la nakforuka wa nakhla'u wa natruku manyafjoruk. Allahumma iyyaka na'budu wa laka nusalli wa nasjudu wa ilayika nasa wa nahfidu, wa narju Rahmataka wa nakhsha 'adhzabaka; inna adhabaka al-jidda bi al-kuffari mulhiq
O Allah! We seek Your assistance and ask for Your guidance, and we beseech Your forgiveness and return to You in repentance. We cherish faith in You and place our trust in You. We attribute all goodness to You. We are grateful to You and refuse to be ungrateful to You. We abandon and forsake all those who reject You. O Allah, You alone we worship, unto You alone we pray; unto You alone we prostrate, and for You alone we strive. Unto You alone we flee for refuge. We cherish hope in Your mercy and we fear Your retribution. Verily, Your punishment is bound to catch up with those who reject the truth.
Allahumm-ahdinii fiman hadait, wa 'afini fiman 'aafait, wa tawallani fiman tawwallait, wa barik li fima a'atait, wa qini sharra ma qadaiyta, fainnaka taqdhi wa la yuqdha 'alaika, innahu la yadhillu man walaiyt, [wa la yai'izzu man 'aadait] tabarakta Rabbana wa ta'aalaita
O Allah! Guide me with those whom You have Guided, and strengthen me with those whom You have given strength, take me to Your care with those whom You have taken to Your care, Bless me in what You have given me, Proptect me from the evil You have Ordained. Surely You Command and are not commanded, and non whom You have committed to Your care shall be humiliated [and non whom You have Taken as an enemy shall taste glory]. You are Blessed, our Lord, and Exhalted.
Translation of Du'a al Qunoot
Allahumma inna nasta'inuka wa nastaghfiruka, wa nu'minu bika wa natawakkalu 'alaika wa nuthni 'alaikal khair, wa nashkuruka wa la nakfuruka wa nakhla'u wa natruka manyyafjuruka, allahumma iyyaka na'budu , wa laka nusalli wa nasjudu wa ilaika nas'a wa nahfidu wa narju rahmataka wa nakhsha 'adhabaka inna 'adhabaka bil kaffari mulhiq.
عن أبي عبد الرحمن قال : علمنا ابن مسعود أن نقرأ في القنوت : اللهم إنا نستعينك ونستغفرك ونؤمن بك ونثني عليك الخير ولا نكفرك ونخلع ونترك من يفجرك اللهم إياك نعبد ولك نصلي ونسجد وإليك نسعى ونحفد ونرجو رحمتك ونخشى عذابك إن عذابك الجد بالكفار ملحق . 1
Slight variants of this du`a occur in other parts of the Musannaf as well (e.g. in the Book of Du`a and section on what to make du`a by in the qunut of Fajr
It was narrated that ‘Umar prayed Qunoot with the following words:
“O’ Allah! We implore You for help and beg forgiveness of You and believe in You and rely on You and extol You
and we are thankful to You and are not ungrateful to You
and we alienate and forsake those who disobey You.
O’ Allah! You alone do we worship and for You do we pray and prostrate
and we betake to please You and present ourselves for the service in Your cause
And we hope for Your mercy and fear Your chastisement.
Undoubtedly, Your torment is going to overtake infidels”
(Narrated by al-Bayhaqi, 2/210; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Irwa’, 2/170)
Jazak Allah for the words of wisdom Abz, much appreciated. Thank you for that wonderful Du'aa also. I am struggling to conceal my pain from my family, they believe I'm just sick. My Doctor has given me some medication to help with the Anxiety but I have refrained from using it, after all I know that it is only Allah (SWT) that can help me with this affliction.
I seem to know that it was ordained that I would stumble like this, yet I still can't shake the guilt of my actions. I honestly believed I had got the wake up call last time which is probably why this hurts so much. I thought I had finally found the way to spritual happiness. For the 2 months since the last incident I felt better than I ever have before, so content. I started praying without missing any prayers, waking up for Fajr and actually praying it at the mosque which I never did before. The Quaranic verses filled my head as I have been studying and memorising the Quran. How did I so easily fall into the hands of Shaitan so easily? Is there still something I'm not doing?
Part of me worries that I did all that to reform and still stumbled again, am I really that weak to succumb so easily? I cryed to Allah and promised I'd never do it again, I was in such a bad state last time and he brought me through it. I feel so ungrateful now that I was led out of the darkness and brought myself back in so quickly.
Rather than feel ungrateful, feel grateful: Allah is giving you a test. And you passed the test by not listening to Shaitan!
I know it is difficult. Tests are meant to be difficult. But do not give up on yourself, as Allah has not given up on you. The opportunity to commit your sin might be placed in your path many times between now and your death, but each time you walk around your sin rather than succumbing to it, you take another step closer to Jannah. You gain great reward by ignoring Shaitan and keeping on the righteous path. Release yourself from your anxiety, and greet the next time with a knowing smile, knowing that this is a test from Allah and that you have faith strong enough to overcome it and gain the reward of doing so, that you will not be fooled into weakness by Shaitan, and that your iman is stronger for walking away from it.
Allah grant you strength and peace in your time and trial, insha'Allah!
Rather than feel ungrateful, feel grateful: Allah is giving you a test. And you passed the test by not listening to Shaitan!
I know it is difficult. Tests are meant to be difficult. But do not give up on yourself, as Allah has not given up on you. The opportunity to commit your sin might be placed in your path many times between now and your death, but each time you walk around your sin rather than succumbing to it, you take another step closer to Jannah. You gain great reward by ignoring Shaitan and keeping on the righteous path. Release yourself from your anxiety, and greet the next time with a knowing smile, knowing that this is a test from Allah and that you have faith strong enough to overcome it and gain the reward of doing so, that you will not be fooled into weakness by Shaitan, and that your iman is stronger for walking away from it.
Allah grant you strength and peace in your time and trial, insha'Allah!
I wish I had passed the test, my initial post may have made it seem that I didn't commit the sin. Whilst I didn't repeat the exact sin, I still sinned in the eyes of Allah (SWT). I let the Shaitan convince me that what I was doing was ok as long as I didn't go further. I should not even have contemplated it to begin with.
Obviously I have more to do than simply praying 5 times a day and reading the Quran and listening to lectures. I was trying really hard to get back on the right path. I thought I was doing well, maybe I was being complacent.
Something else must be missing or maybe it takes time to build the Iman so these things don't happen again.
Ah, I understand now, Brother, and I'm sorry I misunderstood at first.
You did mention that you are not taking the medication prescribed for you from your doctor because you feel that only Allah can sure you of this. I did some more looking into it, as it raised a question for myself (I am on medication for depression, anxiety, PTSD, and psychosis) and just to set your mind at ease, as long as the medication does not come from an impure source - such as being suspended in alcohol or the urine of an animal - there is no harm in Allah's eyes to using it if it will cure you. If the medication will potentially help keep you from your sin, I would not hesitate to try it as Allah does not mean to make things difficult for us; maybe this is his way of granting you an easement.
Ah, I understand now, Brother, and I'm sorry I misunderstood at first.
You did mention that you are not taking the medication prescribed for you from your doctor because you feel that only Allah can sure you of this. I did some more looking into it, as it raised a question for myself (I am on medication for depression, anxiety, PTSD, and psychosis) and just to set your mind at ease, as long as the medication does not come from an impure source - such as being suspended in alcohol or the urine of an animal - there is no harm in Allah's eyes to using it if it will cure you. If the medication will potentially help keep you from your sin, I would not hesitate to try it as Allah does not mean to make things difficult for us; maybe this is his way of granting you an easement.
Brother, sorry if I cast doubt over your own situation. I know taking the medication isn't an issue in the eyes of Allah. The medication is to ease the anxiety I feel at present. Knowing myself though I know the medication will do little for me until I've found peace with Allah (SWT).
Always my first fear when I become like this is how I will hide it from my family. I mean what excuse can I give to them? The medicine makes me a robot and may help me but not my family.
I drive myself insane at times with all the thoughts. As I can't confide in anyone I tend to keep it all in my head which makes it worse.
I want to run off and just sit in prayer all day but I have a family who relies on me, I cant just escape. Im currently at a park watching my kids play putting on a fake face for them.
May Allah(SWT) grant me the patience to ride this out yet again and the iman to change so that I dont fall into this hole again.
Yes blame the west for your vices, BLAME THE WEST FOR YOUR SINS
If I blamed anyone but myself for my vices and sins I wouldn't be going through what I am now. It is my own weakness for succumbing to my vices, hence why I'm seeking forgiveness for them. The torture of my guilt and shame is mine alone, not the fault of Western Society.
Your point is taken though, I should not have mentioned my surroundings as an excuse for my sins.
If I blamed anyone but myself for my vices and sins I wouldn't be going through what I am now. It is my own weakness for succumbing to my vices, hence why I'm seeking forgiveness for them. The torture of my guilt and shame is mine alone, not the fault of Western Society.
Your point is taken though, I should not have mentioned my surroundings as an excuse for my sins.
We all face these struggles. The harder the struggle, the greater the reward.
Feeling remorse for sins is a great virtue in Islam. And although we are personally accountable for what we do, the environment does have a big impact on us.
Just remember that Allah will only hold us accountable for what was in our control.
Here are some duas when i feel depressed, guilty of my actions, and in distress, it has worked for me by the might and will of Allah SWT, remember when you are saying this duas, imagine yourself talking to the Almighty which you are..
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Ibn 'Abbas reported that Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) used to supplicate during the time of trouble (in these words):
" There is no god but Allah, the Great, the Tolerant, there is no god but Allah, the Lord of the Magnificent Throne There is no god but Allah, the Lord of the Heaven and the earth, the Lord of the Edifying Throne." Sahih Muslim 2730 a 'La ilaha il-lallah Al-`Alimul-Halim. La-ilaha illallah Rabul- Arsh-al-Azim, La ilaha-il-lallah Rabus-Samawati Rab-ul-Ard; wa Rab-ul-Arsh Al- Karim.'
(None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Majestic, the Most Forbearing. None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Lord of the Tremendous Throne. None has the right to be worshipped but Allah, the Lord of the Heavens and the Lord of the Honourable Throne.)
its better to supplicate during prostration, based on this hadith Abu Huraira reported:
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: The nearest a servant comes to his Lord is when he is prostrating himself, so make supplication (in this state).
Sahih Muslim 482
Say during prostration after glorying allah swt, or after final tashuhhud before the taslim, up to you, but in my case i just say it after my prayers because i did not memorise it , i just read it off my phone.
Abu Bakr reported that he said to Allah's Messenger (ﷺ):
Teach me a supplication which I should recite in my prayer. Thereupon he (the Holy Prophet) said: Recite:" O Allah, I have done great wrong to myself." According to Qutaiba (the words were: ) much (wrong) -there is none to forgive the sins but Thou only, say:" Grant me pardon from Thyself, have mercy upon me for Thou art much Forgiving and Compassionate." Sahih Muslim 2705 a
'Allahumma inni zalamtu nafsi zulman kathiran, wa la yaghfirudh- dhunuba illa Anta, faghfir li maghfiratan min 'indika, warhamni, innaka Antal-Ghafur-ur-Rahim’
(O Allah! I have considerably wronged myself. There is none to forgive the sins but You. So grant me pardon and have mercy on me. You are the Most Forgiving, the Most Compassionate)
The Prophet (ﷺ) used to say, "O Allah! I seek refuge with You from worry and grief, from incapacity and laziness, from cowardice and miserliness, from being heavily in debt and from being overpowered by (other) men." Sahih al-Bukhari 6369
"Allahumma inni a'udhu bika minal-hammi, wal-hazan, wal-'ajezi, wal-kasal, wal-bukhli, wal-jubni, wad-dala'id-daini, wa ghalabatirr-rijal"
(O Allah, I seek refuge with You from worry, grief, incapacity, laziness, miserliness, cowardice, difficult debt and being overpowered by men.)
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) used to say while prostrating himself: O Lord, forgive me all my sins, small and great, first and last, open and secret. Sahih Muslim 483
“Allahum-maghfir li dhanbi kullahu: diqk’qahu wa jillahu, wa 'awwalahu wa akhirahu, wa alaniyatahu wa sirrahu”
(O Allah! Forgive all my sins, the small and the great, first and the last, the open and the secret)
I read this dua after my prayers due to it being too long and i have not memorise it yet.
Abu Musa Ash'ari reported on the authority of his father that Allahs Apostle (ﷺ) used to supplicate in these words:
" O Allah, forgive me my faults, my ignorance, my immoderation in my concerns. And Thou art better aware (of my affairs) than myself. O Allah, grant me forgiveness (of the faults which I committed) seriously or otherwise (and which I committed inadvertently and de- liberately. All these (failings) are in me. O Allah, grant me forgiveness from the fault which I did in haste or deferred, which I committed in privacy or in public and Thou art better aware of (them) than myself. Thou art the First and the Last and over all things Thou art Omnipotent." Sahih Muslim 2719 a
"Rabbighfirli Khati 'ati wa jahli wa israfi fi `Amri kullih, wa ma anta ak'lamu bihi minni. Allahummaghfirli khatayaya wa 'amdi, wa jahli wa jiddi, wa kullu dhalika'indi Allahummaghfirli ma qaddamtu wa ma akhartu wa ma asrartu wa ma ak'lant. Antal-muqaddimu wa antal-mu'akh-khiru, wa anta 'ala kulli shai'in qadir."
(O Allah, forgive me my faults, my ignorance, my immoderation in my concerns. And Thou art better aware (of my affairs) than myself. O Allah, grant me forgiveness (of the faults which I committed) seriously or otherwise (and which I committed inadvertently and de-liberately. All these (failings) are in me. O Allah, grant me forgiveness from the fault which I did in haste or deferred, which I committed in privacy or in public and Thou art better aware of (them) than myself. Thou art the First and the Last and over all things Thou art Omnipotent.)
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May Allah SWT protects us from harm, and grant us relief. Jazakllah khair.
Last edited by Afif Rusli; 08-16-2016 at 10:02 AM.
I'm so lost right now, I feel alone, ashamed, guilty and afraid this will impact my family life. I don't know who to turn to which is evident by me turning to you, anyonymous people across the other side of the world whom I've never met. I'm reaching out, willing to do what it takes to head back to the right path.
As I can't seem to surround myself with better company socially, I thought I'd at least make an attempt online to interact with some other Brothers & Sisters in this dark chapter of my life. May Allah shower you with Mercy for your help.
Assalamu Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh,
Do you know the power of Dua? Dua is a weapon of a believer!
Firstly - Just a gentle reminder: What has Allah azza wajal said about Hope in the Quran?
Allah Says in Surah Az-Zumar Verse 53: "Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."[/I]
What do we learn from this? No matter what has happened, don't lose hope! Allah is giving us a chance to turn back to him, and remove all of our past sins.
Furthermore, Allah Azza Wajal says in Surah Al Imran Verse 139: [I]"Do not loose hope, nor be sad"
You need to get closer to the instruction manual our creator, inventor, manufacturer - Allah azza wajal has given us - The Gloricious Quran. Read the translation in the language you understand best...if it's English, read it in English.
Secondly - Did you know?
Only through the Mercy of Allah Azza Wajal we can come through our hardships. Seeking forgiveness is one of the ways to earn the mercy of Allah azza wajal. Also, did you know - One of Allah Azza Wajal name is "Ar-Raqeeb" - He is the All-and-Ever-Watchful, observing everyones actions, thoughts, and feelings. Ar-Raqeeb is also The Controller; preserving and organizing the affairs of creation with the perfect planning![/B]
Arabic to English Pronounce: Astaghfirullahal Azeem al-lazi la ilaha illa Huwal-Hayyul-Qayyum wa atubu ilaih
Meaning: I seek the forgiveness of Allah the Mighty, Whom there is none worthy of worship except Him, The Living, The Eternal, and I repent unto Him
The one who [regularly] says Istighfaar, Allah Azza Wa-Jal will open a path for him from all difficulties, remove him from all sorrow, and grant him sustenance from unimagined and unexpected sources. [Abu Dawud]
Thirdly - Is there a Dua you can recite to keep these desires and temptations away? Without a doubt!
Finally - If it's not too much trouble - Please kindly spare two minutes to watch video this - next time you get these unlawful desires, ask yourself do you want your ending to be like this?:
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