In the past, I've commited major sins: disobedience to parents and cutting of the ties of kinship. I've been punished as a result of that and have already seen the results of my past actions and sins. Now I've repented sincerely to Allah swt and feel very regretful and upset about what I've done.
But the only thing is that I can't seem to move on. I weep so many times a day and feel extremely depressed. I sit for hours regretting what I've done after tasting the punishment of my actions. I keep thinking I wish I was never disobedient to my parents or cut of ties of kinship, but it's too late now. I live with so much inner pain and regret that it's tearing me apart. It's almost 6 months that I've been feeling that way.
My mother and kins already forgive me and tell me to get over what's happened, but I have difficulty letting go. I want to move on and forget the pain but it's too difficult and unbearable. I feel like dying or sitting in a room and crying all day. I no longer love or enjoy life like I used to. My hopes and dreams are shattered and I'm just a total wreck and in a mess. It's so hard to move on and I can't stand life any longer. Any advice on how I should move on?
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It sounds like you are despairing of yourself and maybe even of the mercy of Allah swt. Well, you mustn't. You are a Muslim, alhamdulillah, and your Rabb is so merciful He will forgive you so long as you repent to Him sincerely - such hopelessness shouldn't be an option.
We all commit sins, sometimes huge ones, but the beauty lies in the fact that *everyday* is the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. And you may not realise it but there is a huge blessing in the fact that you have realised you were wrong, and you had the strength (it seems) to ask forgiveness from your family, who gave it to you - consider yourself blessed that you were guided in such as way, alhamdulillah. So ask forgiveness and repent to Allah swt, and if you do this sincerely, He'll surely forgive you, because He is the Most Merciful and the Most Compassionate.
Read this hadith, which is beyond reassuring subhanAllah:
Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) said:
I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) saying, "Allah, the Exalted, has said: 'O son of Adam! I shall go on forgiving you so long as you pray to Me and aspire for My forgiveness whatever may be your sins. O son of Adam! I do not care even if your sins should pile up to the sky and should you beg pardon of Me, I would forgive you. O son of Adam! If you come to Me with an earthful of sins and meet Me, not associating anything with Me in worship, I will certainly grant you as much pardon as will fill the earth."'
You said you've repented to AR RAHMAN ( The most Merciful ). When you repent to Allah, being regretful and 100% confident of Allah's mercy is a part of the repentance. Allah has forgiven you In Shaa Allah, why would you worry ? Im not saying forget about what you did, but rather take it as a motivation for not doing it again. There's a reason for every little thing that happen in our life, and maybe it was better for you to act like that in the past so that you may realize the value of your family, a blessing we tend to take for granted. "Moving on" doesn't mean "to forget", rather it means that you should learn from your mistakes and build yourself stronger and wiser. Pray, thank Allah for making you realize how bad you must have been, and for giving you iman (faith) to repent, bcz without iman, maybe you would have done worse. Thank Him for guiding you and make a promise to Him that you will become a better son/daughter/brother/sister etc.. and obviously a better muslim in shaa Allah.
<Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."> [39:53]
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