Need genuine advice on marriage

format_quote Originally Posted by minhajmd20

Assalam alaikum! Please let me know if it's okay to marry this girl who would go to office, doesn't know cooking and hence would provide lil support to my sick mom. I like this from office and are close now. I told my mom that I like this girl and even though my mom doesn't like this match she still agreed considering my happiness. I'm in dilemma now, please let me know if I should go ahead with this match or not. Our families are going to be involved soon. Please advise at the earliest. Jazak Allah khair!

see another girl who can cook as well as take care of your mother (at least, in your absence.)

Do you want a wife, or a maid / personal support worker?

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

Do you want a wife, or a maid / personal support worker?

if you work for your own mother or support her then you consider yourself as her maid or support worker....? A noble lady always considers her mother in law as her mother

format_quote Originally Posted by azc

if you work for your own mother or support her then you consider yourself as her maid or support worker....? A noble lady always considers her mother in law as her mother

My mother doesn't want me looking after her, she'd rather have a maid / maids to help her around the house.

Why should a husband's mother be any different?

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

My mother doesn't want me looking after her, she'd rather have a maid / maids to help her around the house. Why should a husband's mother be any different?

Whether or not your mother wants you to look after her when she is sick, isn't the issue, the issue is what's your duty as a daughter.

format_quote Originally Posted by azc

Whether or not your mother wants you to look after her when she is sick, isn't the issue, the issue is what's your duty as a daughter.

My responsibility is not towards my spouse's mother.
It's towards my own mother and her preference is to be cared and helped by a maid.
My duty as a daughter is to ensure my mother is cared for, the way she wants to be cared for.

I would not pass the care to my mother to my spouse, it's not his responsibility. To help the spouse with the financial obligations that would ensure his mother is taken care of, is a different thing, for that I don't mind. But why put the onus on having the woman take care of her husband's mother? Is this what it means to be a woman in Islam? To be automatically burdened with the "duty" of a "daughter" idea. Sorry but my spouse's mother is NOT my mother, she's my mother in law and my mother comes before his mother

What I mean to say @UmmLayth is that there is the presumption that it is women who are burdened with having to care, while the husband works outside. It is far easier to make money outside the home, than to work inside the home, it is less stressful. If my husband wants to stay at home and care for my mother, or his own mother while I work... I do not mind this at all It is far less physically and mentally exhausting to do that.

However, we continue to assume that it is the women's place to care for their mother / father, children, husband, etc., home and we burden the women with ALL of these things, while leaving the husband to just make "money"; for which if the woman does not work, she has to ASK her husband for money and I've seen that it is seldom given to her. So what about her own life and her own freedoms?

Yes the husband is burdened with the financial responsibility, THAT IS IT. Unless the husband can provide assistance to the wife (maids, nanny, etc.,) that financial responsibility is NOTHING compared to what the wife has to do sans assistance, which is far more valuable. Why would someone require that a woman know how to cook, clean, etc.,? Because he's not going 1) help with those situations and 2) provide assistance to the wife by means of an extra hand and is therefore asking for someone that is willing to fill in those shoes and perform those duties.

Sorry, but a wife is NOT a maid, she is not to be treated one like either.

When people say Oh, "he's looking for a woman who is considerate and who will offer help on her own"; you mean someone who will easily be emotionally bullied to do things that are physically exhausting and take a toll on the woman, when there's no extra hands to offer help.

And I don't mean hiring a maid to bathe and feed the mother, I mean hiring someone to assist the wife in taking care of the mother. It is daunting, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting thing to do and people don't consider helping women, outside of "Oh, I'm making money to have this house and to bring in food...." what excuse is that? excuse me, while I go work and do those things for myself without being made to feel like I am an inconsiderate cold person because I want to also make financial gain to maintain a lifestyle for myself and for MY family that is advantageous to their situation.

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

What I mean to say @UmmLayth is that there is the presumption that it is women who are burdened with having to care, while the husband works outside. It is far easier to make money outside the home, than to work inside the home, it is less stressful. If my husband wants to stay at home and care for my mother, or his own mother while I work... I do not mind this at all It is far less physically and mentally exhausting to do that.

However, we continue to assume that it is the women's place to care for their mother / father, children, husband, etc., home and we burden the women with ALL of these things, while leaving the husband to just make "money"; for which if the woman does not work, she has to ASK her husband for money and I've seen that it is seldom given to her. So what about her own life and her own freedoms?

Yes the husband is burdened with the financial responsibility, THAT IS IT. Unless the husband can provide assistance to the wife (maids, nanny, etc.,) that financial responsibility is NOTHING compared to what the wife has to do sans assistance, which is far more valuable. Why would someone require that a woman know how to cook, clean, etc.,? Because he's not going 1) help with those situations and 2) provide assistance to the wife by means of an extra hand and is therefore asking for someone that is willing to fill in those shoes and perform those duties.

Sorry, but a wife is NOT a maid, she is not to be treated one like either.

When people say Oh, "he's looking for a woman who is considerate and who will offer help on her own"; you mean someone who will easily be emotionally bullied to do things that are physically exhausting and take a toll on the woman, when there's no extra hands to offer help.

And I don't mean hiring a maid to bathe and feed the mother, I mean hiring someone to assist the wife in taking care of the mother. It is daunting, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting thing to do and people don't consider helping women, outside of "Oh, I'm making money to have this house and to bring in food...." what excuse is that? excuse me, while I go work and do those things for myself without being made to feel like I am an inconsiderate cold person because I want to also make financial gain to maintain a lifestyle for myself and for MY family that is advantageous to their situation.

It is very interesting how you say one thing and everybody draws an opinion from it, then only when refuted do you back-track and rephrase it ALL. we should have passed that stage of immaturity by now - if not, the situation will only get worse.

In most Asian families (apparently indonesia being an exception) the system is patriarchal and the female moves to the male's tribe on the wedding day, and since it is the duty of the male to bring in bread, it is the duty of the female to prepare it.
Interesting how liberal secularists think humans are like animals - yet somehow forget that cats and dogs usually leave the female with the complete burden after intercourse, but then, that's how it got after ww2 and most of the recent laws came into place after single mother burdens became a problem and communities began to suffer, and the economic ramifications were disastrous, and even then, the separation rates and broken single parent families are sky high.

Do you prefer that the female works amongst strange males whilst the male gets the tea ready at home?
Even dominatrix secularist females have no respect for such males, and muscle breakedown and timidness is inevitable within a few generations in absence of artificial excercise and artificial male interaction (I'm not talking about social gatherings) if gender roles are turned upside down.
The same type of women would then say: "you're not even a maaaaan!!!" And dump them.
But then, that requires the ability to see past neighbours and home n away.

In Islam, the male and female complement each other with an understanding of roles, they are not baphomets.

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

My mother doesn't want me looking after her, she'd rather have a maid / maids to help her around the house.

Why should a husband's mother be any different?

He sounds like a man who wants his wife to practice Islam sincerely and properly. Doesn't seem like he's asking for anything wrong.

format_quote Originally Posted by Abz2000

It is very interesting how you say one thing and everybody draws an opinion from it, then only when refuted do you back-track and rephrase it ALL. we should have passed that stage of immaturity by now - if not, the situation will only get worse.

In most Asian families (apparently indonesia being an exception) the system is patriarchal and the female moves to the male's tribe on the wedding day, and since it is the duty of the male to bring in bread, it is the duty of the female to prepare it.
Interesting how liberal secularists think humans are like animals - yet somehow forget that cats and dogs usually leave the female with the complete burden after intercourse, but then, that's how it got after ww2 and most of the recent laws came into place after single mother burdens became a problem and communities began to suffer, and the economic ramifications were disastrous, and even then, the separation rates and broken singke parent families are sky high.

Do you prefer that the female works amongst strange males whilst the male gets the tea ready at home?
Even dominatrix secularist females have no respect for such males, and muscle breakedown and timidness is inevitable within a few generations in absence of artificial excercise and artificial male interaction (I'm not talking about social gatherings) if gender roles are turned upside down.
But then, that requires the ability to see past neighbours and home n away.

In my culture, it is the male that moves into the female's "tribe" if you so should call it.

I'm not interested in arguing with you, if a woman doesn't want to take care of her husband's mother / father, you have no way and should not force her to do that. It's not her duty AT ALL. Her duty is to her husband, not to be the carer for her husband's family. Similarly, it is not expected that a husband provide sustenance to his wife's family, it's not his duty.

Who said anything about a female working among strange males? Either way, even if she does, is she going to sleep with them? Or do you prefer a male working amongst strange females? Who of the two is more likely (and statistically speaking) to cheat or have an affair in this situation, if this is something that you're akin to believing and would be questioning by bringing up the fact that a woman working outside the home is working amongst strangers? Is the husband not doing the same when working outside the home?

My oh my, can both not just control their physical bodies when outside the house? Isn't that the issue you're referring to as being problematic when a woman works outside the house?

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format_quote Originally Posted by Abz2000

It is very interesting how you say one thing and everybody draws an opinion from it, then only when refuted do you back-track and rephrase it ALL. we should have passed that stage of immaturity by now - if not, the situation will only get worse.

In most Asian families (apparently indonesia being an exception) the system is patriarchal and the female moves to the male's tribe on the wedding day, and since it is the duty of the male to bring in bread, it is the duty of the female to prepare it.
Interesting how liberal secularists think humans are like animals - yet somehow forget that cats and dogs usually leave the female with the complete burden after intercourse, but then, that's how it got after ww2 and most of the recent laws came into place after single mother burdens became a problem and communities began to suffer, and the economic ramifications were disastrous, and even then, the separation rates and broken singke parent families are sky high.

Do you prefer that the female works amongst strange males whilst the male gets the tea ready at home?
Even dominatrix secularist females have no respect for such males, and muscle breakedown and timidness is inevitable within a few generations in absence of artificial excercise and artificial male interaction (I'm not talking about social gatherings) if gender roles are turned upside down.
But then, that requires the ability to see past neighbours and home n away.

In my culture, it is the male that moves into the female's "tribe" if you so should call it.

I'm not interested in arguing with you, if a woman doesn't want to take care of her husband's mother / father, you have no way and should not force her to do that. It's not her duty AT ALL. Her duty is to her husband, not to be the carer for her husband's family. Similarly, it is not expected that a husband provide sustenance to his wife's family, it's not his duty.

Who said anything about a female working among strange males? Either way, even if she does, is she going to sleep with them? Or do you prefer a male working amongst strange females? Who of the two is more likely (and statistically speaking) to cheat or have an affair in this situation, if this is something that you're akin to believing and would be questioning by bringing up the fact that a woman working outside the home is working amongst strangers? Is the husband not doing the same when working outside the home?

My oh my, can both not just control their physical bodies when outside the house? Isn't that the issue you're referring to as being problematic when a woman works outside the house?

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format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif

He sounds like a man who wants his wife to practice Islam sincerely and properly. Doesn't seem like he's asking for anything wrong.

Islam doesn't require you to care for your husband's family.... That's not a requirement of Islam on the wife, she is not obligated to anyone but her husband, and her husband should not don on her the duty that is for him. He on the other hand is obligated to his mother.

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

Islam doesn't require you to care for your husband's family.... That's not a requirement of Islam on the wife, she is not obligated to anyone but her husband, and her husband should not don on her the duty that is for him. He on the other hand is obligated to his mother.

Islam also doesn't require you to fast the 6 days of shawaal, or to do Umrah, or to pray the sunnah rawatib, or to give sadaqah every now and again. You are not sinful if you don't perform these acts but you will however be missing out on a great deal of reward and perfecting your religion.

You are not obligated to serve your husband's mother or family but you are however strongly encouraged to be good to them as it is considered a highly rewarding act. Being good to your in-laws can mean taking care of your husband's mother, spending time with them and making their life easy in whatever way you can. Islam encourages you to look at the greatness of the reward and not simply sticking to the 'obligations' only.

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

It is also considered a rewarding act to alleviate the burden on your wife by providing her help to do these things.

Help is likely to be given without you having to ask for it - if your husband is a religious man. My point is that by serving your in-laws in whatever way you need to you will be fulfilling the obligation of being dutiful to your husband.