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I've been feeling suicidal and helpless
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  1. #1
    Mustafa16's Avatar
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    I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

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    I don't know if this is from my autism, ADHD, anxiety, OCD, or just a general emotional dysfunction, but I have an inability to deal with conflict, rejection, things not going according to plan, when I feel wronged but have to let it go, and lately, jealousy.

    I went down to the counselor's at my university saying I was feeling suicidal or like i wanted to hurt myself twice, one of which was a time when I was fantasizing about laying on the road and getting run over. That actually happened both times, but i only mentioned it the first time. My mother was angry at me the first time because i missed a class, and when i was in the car with her, she threw my phone out the window and broke it. While the car was driving. the first time, it was because i got into an argument with some girls after trying to hang out with two of them, and i had feelings of self loathing, and glorified the idea of suicide, like I would die a martyr who was remembered as the cause of a revolution in people being nicer to each other, and in mental health treatment (kinda like the guy who burned himself in tunisia, but different), and the second time it was because of this story: i had to delete my old quora account because i was making inflammatory remarks about the turkish government, which is illegal in the current constitution which dates back to 1982, and so i worried that even if erdogan is removed from office and gulenists aren't a target, i would be arrested for defamation if i step foot on turkish soil. so i deleted it, created a new one, and i didnt know how to send private messages, and i had an orthodox jewish teenage girl acquainta'nce on there, and i tried explaining to her without aktrolls figuring it out, but she blocked me. i felt triggered. that was today, and i had to go down to the counselor to talk about my thoughts. later, i got angry because earlier i found out a 15 year old girl who caused me to get into trouble for obsessing over despite her father banning her from talking to boys, had a chinese boyfriend, so i texted her on Instagram, saying, "dont act like i dont know about your chinese kaafir boyfriend, im telling your dad," and i sent a screenshot of the girl's profile to the dad, and a message, but eventually decided i would get into trouble with my mother and i wouldn't be allowed to visit this one family i liked, or she would punish me some other way like by kicking me out of the house, so i blocked them and deactivated my account, and created a new one under a fake name to see if my profile was still visible.
    i constantly tell my mother i feel suicidal, and her response is, "suicidal about WHAT! You don't need to feel suicidal..."(or, youre just bored" or "youve got nothing better to do")
    so i constantly call my social worker (which she does not allow)
    i had to stop myself from attempting suicide multiple times, and other times, i would feel sick or tired, especially after arguments, and i would lie in bed, and prah to Allah to forgive me of my sins, and kill me.
    I often turn very psychotic, and feel like very numb, like the world is a dream,
    Once, i lied on the driveway of my house so my mom would run me over, but the only thing that stopped me was that it was wet. i convinced myself i wasnt going to die, just stop my moms car after she sees me, to make a statement.
    the only thing my mother does to help is threaten to send me to a mental hospital.
    One of the things that numbs the pain, though previously i thought i wouldn't have a trouble with this since i gave up music long ago and went a long time without it, is gangsta rap, namely one song by N.W.A ("straight outta compton") which contains lots of boasting and violence, as well as sexual references, because, as i said to my mom once "it was like letting the music speak for myself {as a release}" (except the sexual references and boasting made me uncomfortable, it was more so the violence)
    Once, when my mother was speaking with my sister and her friend (my sister's not religious, and her friend, btw, was an american) I threatened to cut my fingers, and was about to do it until she threatened to call the ambulance, so instead i hit my hands with a spatula.
    while they were talking, i screamed in my room and cried that the girl was playing a double standard on me by going out with that chinese boy, and nobody heard except my brother who was also upstairs, but he doesn't talk to me (he hasn't in many years)
    I called the national suicide hotline recently.
    i also have felt an increase in my aggression internally, for instance, after that cultural misunderstanding/clash and argument with the ahiska girls, i told myself (and my mother, because there is no one else for me to talk to), "I dont care if they bring out their dad and their older brothers and cousins, Ill beat them, spray them with bug poison, and stab them to death." (i also told the girls this. and whenever i see boys i accuse of being ahiska, in my mind i get ready to fight to the death, and i have fantasies of choking people to death or beating them with a metal rod, which i often swing around.
    @*charisma* @keiv @sister herb @Hamza Asadullah @AabiruSabeel @anatolian

    the only reason i tag you all is because i know nobody will reply otherwise, as i am a loner on this site as well....

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  3. #2
    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Assalamu ALaikum

    Bro don't you think a lot of your aggression stems from thinking about girls, especially when you feel rejected by them in any way?

    Maybe you need to change your perception of rejection. Instead of seeing it as something negative, you can see it as something positive.
    1 | Likes AbdullahAziz liked this post
    I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Someone asked Hassan Al Basri: "What is the secret of your piety?"
    He replied: I understood 4 things:


    I understood that my rizq cannot be taken by anyone, so my heart became content.
    I understood that no one can do my actions (worship) for me, so I started doing them myself.
    I understood that Allah is watching me, so I became ashamed to do wrong.
    I understood that death is waiting for me, so I started to prepare for my meeting with Allah.

  4. #3
    Mustafa16's Avatar
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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    Assalamu ALaikum

    Bro don't you think a lot of your aggression stems from thinking about girls, especially when you feel rejected by them in any way?

    Maybe you need to change your perception of rejection. Instead of seeing it as something negative, you can see it as something positive.
    that is true, my libido has lowered in recent weeks after spending time with children for Eid. I've discovered a love of working with children and spending time with children, and due to autism I feel I can relate to them easier. Only problem is, (I know you live in KSA, I'm not sure if this is the case there) it's considered inappropriate here to be overly friendly with children as youth male, due to issues with pedophilia in our community. But I asked my mom if we can visit people (who happen to have little kids) more often, because I get a kick out of talking to and playing with kids AND I enjoy talking with adults at the same time, too (autistic people get along with people older and younger than them SOMEWHAT, but not peers). One (the dad) is a cool guy, and the other dad is a sociology professor, and I LOVE sociology. He also is a part time imam with many books on fiqh. I also decided to study sociology in my free time, and work harder in school so I might even get a job with a sociology degree. But I don't really know if it was the kids so much as it was me hitting rock bottom after rejection, because it's still going on. What do you think? Also, is it creepy for me to spend time with kids and work with kids? I don't want to come across as a pedophile. I also enjoy studying politics, there's a lot of excitement in Turkey what with the economic crisis, 2013 Iranian sanctions evasion corruption case reemerging with many Turkish nationals being arrested on American soil due to their involvement with evading Iranian sanctions together with the ruling government, and the emergence of Meral Aksener (former interior minister) as a major political figure. I also love politics. And youre right, in general, i should just avoid girls, and also, my mother says i should keep myself busy because my problem is I am so hyper and energetic both in mind and body that I often get obsessed with things that aren't healthy because it's easier and quicker (like bickering with people online about politics, or social media, or girls) and the solution is to always keep myself occupied. What do you think? Also, about that thing with kids, from when I was 13 to when I was 15 or 16, I was often attracted to prepubescent females and until I was 17 early pubescents (ages 12-14) but with long term
    therapy, my mother's investment, and psychological conditioning I was able to cure myself. But it was an age ratio issue, not an age group issue. As I got older, the girls i was interested in got older due to my developing maturity, which was delayed.

  5. #4
    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    What I see from you post above is when meeting new people, you get attached quite easily. For example, you started mentioning about the common things you have with the father already and your admiration for him. However if later on you felt at all that this family is not as attached to you as you are to them, you again, would feel rejected by them. You seem to have a big heart and I think you really want true companionship, but you have to be careful for the sake of not becoming mentally unstable when things don't go the way you expect. It's ok to admire certain qualities of people, but you need to remember that even if someone is friendly, he does not form fast attachments like you do. So when you express your over-attachment/admiration, it is off-putting.

    As for spending time with children, it's alright as long as the parents/family are around. It's also ok in a professional setting (ie. working with kids). The nice thing about kids is that they are nonjudgemental and honest, so I can see how you may feel happy around them. However seeking out time to spend with them specifically for leisure is not really ideal and will probably be frowned upon. Also since being attracted to prepubescent girls was still quite recent, you should avoid it altogether until you can get your emotions/feelings more controlled since you are still developing thoughts and opinions about them. What would you think about working with the elderly?

    On this forum, politics seems something you are quite interested in, so I think if you can find something in that regard it would be good for you to keep you busy. You seem to also be interested in many other subjects but aren't quite sure what you want to do in the future. This requires time and effort in trying new activities so you know what will suit you best .
    I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Someone asked Hassan Al Basri: "What is the secret of your piety?"
    He replied: I understood 4 things:


    I understood that my rizq cannot be taken by anyone, so my heart became content.
    I understood that no one can do my actions (worship) for me, so I started doing them myself.
    I understood that Allah is watching me, so I became ashamed to do wrong.
    I understood that death is waiting for me, so I started to prepare for my meeting with Allah.

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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    What I see from you post above is when meeting new people, you get attached quite easily. For example, you started mentioning about the common things you have with the father already and your admiration for him. However if later on you felt at all that this family is not as attached to you as you are to them, you again, would feel rejected by them. You seem to have a big heart and I think you really want true companionship, but you have to be careful for the sake of not becoming mentally unstable when things don't go the way you expect. It's ok to admire certain qualities of people, but you need to remember that even if someone is friendly, he does not form fast attachments like you do. So when you express your over-attachment/admiration, it is off-putting.

    As for spending time with children, it's alright as long as the parents/family are around. It's also ok in a professional setting (ie. working with kids). The nice thing about kids is that they are nonjudgemental and honest, so I can see how you may feel happy around them. However seeking out time to spend with them specifically for leisure is not really ideal and will probably be frowned upon. Also since being attracted to prepubescent girls was still quite recent, you should avoid it altogether until you can get your emotions/feelings more controlled since you are still developing thoughts and opinions about them. What would you think about working with the elderly?

    On this forum, politics seems something you are quite interested in, so I think if you can find something in that regard it would be good for you to keep you busy. You seem to also be interested in many other subjects but aren't quite sure what you want to do in the future. This requires time and effort in trying new activities so you know what will suit you best .
    thanks for the advice, sister. But are you saying it's not ok for me to ask my mother to visit certain families so I can visit the parents and the kids? Also, I swear wallahi I have no sexual feelings for prepubescent children, although I fear that you may be right because im scared the feelings will reemerge. But according to clinical psychologists, pedophilia happens when there is an exclusive interest in prepubescent children, and I often am attracted to young adult women and girls in their late teens as well as...sometimes.... women in their late twenties or early thirties.....which often upsets my mother, since in our culture I would have to refer to and treat someone that age as an "elder sister" ("abla") Even when I had those thoughts, I would have feelings and attractions for older girls and even grown women...girls older than me but somewhat of a peer, as well as grown up women.....so im not sure that i can be diagnosed with pedophilia, but that does not change the de facto situation........but like i said, are you saying hanging out with adults and children in one setting is wrong? how would i know if i was going over to someone's house just to spend leisure time with children? because often, even IIIII do not understand my motivations.....my mother and I worked out something where we hang out with a family whose mother is in her halaqa group every two weeks if they are available.

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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    What I see from you post above is when meeting new people, you get attached quite easily. For example, you started mentioning about the common things you have with the father already and your admiration for him. However if later on you felt at all that this family is not as attached to you as you are to them, you again, would feel rejected by them. You seem to have a big heart and I think you really want true companionship, but you have to be careful for the sake of not becoming mentally unstable when things don't go the way you expect. It's ok to admire certain qualities of people, but you need to remember that even if someone is friendly, he does not form fast attachments like you do. So when you express your over-attachment/admiration, it is off-putting.

    As for spending time with children, it's alright as long as the parents/family are around. It's also ok in a professional setting (ie. working with kids). The nice thing about kids is that they are nonjudgemental and honest, so I can see how you may feel happy around them. However seeking out time to spend with them specifically for leisure is not really ideal and will probably be frowned upon. Also since being attracted to prepubescent girls was still quite recent, you should avoid it altogether until you can get your emotions/feelings more controlled since you are still developing thoughts and opinions about them. What would you think about working with the elderly?

    On this forum, politics seems something you are quite interested in, so I think if you can find something in that regard it would be good for you to keep you busy. You seem to also be interested in many other subjects but aren't quite sure what you want to do in the future. This requires time and effort in trying new activities so you know what will suit you best .
    but i see what youre saying about not being overly attached, because it is off putting and i often get disappointed, ill keep that in mind.

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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Quote Originally Posted by Mustafa16 View Post
    But are you saying it's not ok for me to ask my mother to visit certain families so I can visit the parents and the kids?
    If your mom, by chance, was going over to this family's house, then it's ok to go with her. However if you find yourself begging to go specifically to spend time with this family, and are getting upset with your mother when she is unable or does not desire to take you, then that's probably a sign of you getting attached or putting your mom in a position she doesn't want to be in. Because I assume if she feels forced to take you it puts her in a position where she has to socialize with this family especially if they are not close, and that's not a position anyone wants to be in. I know you feel you need interaction with people, so maybe you and your mom can work something out when she's free to do something with a group of people or another family.
    I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Someone asked Hassan Al Basri: "What is the secret of your piety?"
    He replied: I understood 4 things:


    I understood that my rizq cannot be taken by anyone, so my heart became content.
    I understood that no one can do my actions (worship) for me, so I started doing them myself.
    I understood that Allah is watching me, so I became ashamed to do wrong.
    I understood that death is waiting for me, so I started to prepare for my meeting with Allah.

  10. #8
    keiv's Avatar
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    Re: I've been feeling suicidal and helpless

    Don't take this the wrong way but, there isn't much I can really add to this. I think what needed to be said has already been said for the most part through the other threads you've made regarding females and politics. You already know this is a fitna for us, especially in the states. A lot, if not most, of us struggle with it. It's a matter of continually pleading to Allah to give us the willpower to stay away from situations that will lead us away from the straight path and it's also a matter of psychologically staying strong because in the end, you have to put the effort towards keeping yourself out of such situations and when you do end up speaking to the opposite sex, it should only be out of necessity, not for leisurely reasons. I'll simply end it with this. Break your ties with the dunya and build your relationship with Allah and your family. If you want to stay active in politics, that's fine but don't let it control you. If you need to interact with the opposite sex, keep it short and simple and don't feel an immediate 'connection' with them.
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