Truly lost, doing haram, want to die ASAP

**ceylincemal** · 10-15-2017

I used to pray all the time
Nowadays I am feeling lost. I combine my prayers. I've missed Isha and Fajr multiple times and combined them with the next day dhuhr and so on and so forth
I am now listening to music quite often
I hang out with guys
I wasn't like this about 5 months ago
What happened to me? I feel like every time I try to come back to Allah and feel closer I just feel lazy
I hate this
Will I be punished
I'm so sad
Please help I feel desperate and empty and don't want Allah to punish me.
I'm sad and scared and feel alone

Also..

It's just that things got worse I started to do haram things. Like I feel really bad but I just keep going back to step 1 and starting over. I'm not sure why I keep doing this and I'm afraid I will go to jahhanam now. I truly wish to get hit by a train ASAP.

It's like I will be very good for a week and then all of a sudden, I'll go back to my old ways. Then the cycle starts over again. I wish I can break this cycle

I get scared because all it takes is something bad to happen to me as a wake up call and I don't want anything bad to happen.

I know I don't make sense.

I'm also scared of bad karma and punishment from Allah.

I ordered about $1000 worth or more of items and I claimed that not all my items came in. I would say only like 13% didn't come in. But the rest came in. They gave me my money back even though I basically fought them the entire time. And there were multiple orders so the first one didn't come in in all honesty, and they refund me. The second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh orders came in but I claimed each time it didn't and they refunded me every time. The last order honestly did not come in, but although it was a struggle, they refunded me as well. and some of the items were damaged but for one order I also claimed it came but all items were damage. I feel so bad and guilty. because after the fifth order I promised Allah I will not do that again. After that I did it again. Now I really will not do it again b/c I did bad job in my work/school and I feel although it is punishment because I broke my promise to Allah.

I am very scared I will lose more money in the near future because I did this. I feel so guilty. I promised Allah I understand now and will definitely keep my promise and will be honesty in my consumership

Idk why I did that

I never was like this at all.

Why am I becoming a bad person. I really want to die now very soon.

PS I'm not hijabi and never have been but I don't want comments relating to this cuz I know some moderators and members like to stir the pot and act like they're better than everyone and teaching me a lesson and don't ask me that question if I am or not cuz here's your answer (for everyone else, please disregard)

**RisingLight** · 10-15-2017

Hey sister Salam Alaikum

Dont go this harsh on yourself.You dont deserve to die.At least you are combining the prayers.And if you miss some,at least you arent missing the others.Always look at the good side

Yes the punishment of Allah is big,but His mercy is bigger.If you really regret and fear Allah,He will forgive you and show you a way out,in shaa Allah.So just ask for forgiveness,and try to stop doing that sin.And if you can pray night prayer,please start doing that,it will change your life

I dont think its a major major sin,and you seem to regret it so just ask for forgiveness and dont worry this much.Allah is the most merciful ^^

Seems like you love buying stuff online lol

**Zzz_** · 10-27-2017

If you are lost then return to your deen. Ask Allah for forgiveness and hidaya/guidance. Then so things that leads you to be a better Muslim and stay away from those that make you a bad one. for example, read the quran with translation (if arabic is not your language) and try to understand what Allah is saying in there. Basically read it to understand not finish it. go to halaqas at the masjid, find good sisters to hangout with and stay way from people that influence you otherwise. if spending is out of control, talk to someone you trust to take your spending access away temporarily.

Lot of people say they are lost and bad Muslim and all and don't know who to stop it. It's not that complicated. If you eat junk food, naturally you would stop buying junk food, stop going to fast foods and buy only healthy foods and order healthy items from the menu. It's a life choice you decide to make. Same goes for deen and everything else in life, it all comes down to choice. Which choice are you making? are you happy with it? no, then change it. Don't give shaytan any illusion of power over you. Life is but a collection of choices, and what choices you make is all up to you.