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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)


    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

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    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

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    Quote Originally Posted by Abz2000 View Post
    It appears that both of you are measuring by selfish standards, if you both choose to measure by the eternal standard - that of your Creator and Sustainer, you would both have been able to "get along jus' fine", a house divided does not stand for long, whoever of you manage to get in line with your Creator's standard (if not both of you) will be the most successful - and you'll definitely realise this when you wake up after the 70ish year term that it takes to drop to the bottom of hell.

    Read surah at-Tahrim.
    Also, your family and hers are helping to mess things up by conspiring in secret - indicating a lack of trust - and no intelligent person is able to put up with such an insult and lack of due respect for long.
    I tried to guide her, bought her books, encouraged her to learn about our sunnah, sat down with imam for guidance, she learnt some stuff i.e. her rights, however she missed out everything else and was reluctant to sit down with the imaam again cos she knew she broke the agreement we made back in Jan 2018 where the imam advised us and made us agree, we had to sign his document. however in her eyes she says the imams advice and agreement doesnt really hold any substance for her.

    she broke the trust at an early stage, i wanted to act and address it, but my family advised against it, they didnt want a broken marriage especially as she was pregnant. It was after the birth i was no longer reluctant to resist speaking up.

    i've read the translation of surah at-tahrim, thank you, it has given me further insight.

    JazakAllah.
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    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    I tried to guide her, bought her books, encouraged her to learn about our sunnah, sat down with imam for guidance, she learnt some stuff i.e. her rights, however she missed out everything else and was reluctant to sit down with the imaam again cos she knew she broke the agreement we made back in Jan 2018 where the imam advised us and made us agree, we had to sign his document. however in her eyes she says the imams advice and agreement doesnt really hold any substance for her.

    she broke the trust at an early stage, i wanted to act and address it, but my family advised against it, they didnt want a broken marriage especially as she was pregnant. It was after the birth i was no longer reluctant to resist speaking up.

    i've read the translation of surah at-tahrim, thank you, it has given me further insight.

    JazakAllah.
    Brother, I would not wish to happen to any man May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) make it easy for you ameen. - brother hug -

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    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by MuslimahRo View Post
    Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu. This sounds like yet another wacky, seriously crazy story on a Muslim discussion forum. If she is as you describe, she sounds like a very selfish and manipulative woman who only married you for gold and maybe status as somebody's wife. She definitely seems to have given her heart to the other guy who might be a married man. If that's the case, you can't win her back. Consider a divorce before she continues manipulating you for not 4 but 40 years!!!
    Walaikum Salaam Sister, sounds whacky I know but it is 100% true, I cant help blaming myself for the most part, how stupid am I, all my life i conducted our family matters cautiously but my impatience, desperation, lack of self control, love for this girl put me in this tragedy. circumstances which I will have to i've with for the rest of my life. What hurts the most is the life of my daughter, knowing that she will most likely be brought up like her mother in the Brick Lane area.

    As for the other guy, she keeps on denying anything happened after the wedding, but i'm having a hard time forgiving her for this and everything she did to me after the wedding. my suspicions over her have grew tremendously over time, does she have any self respect, does she have any sincere respect for anyone else, she definetely aint got it for me, maybe she's too good for me, too rich for me, better looking than me, I pray everyday that Allah swt forgives me for 'ill' following my desires through self rightousness. All i wanted to do was get married, picked the wrong girl, who was to know?

    if the will was from Alah swt, then we as servants of Allah have a duty to take precautions, which I didn't. I'm a failure, big failure, big massive failure, Asthagfirullah.

    Part of me thinks she will change, part of me thinks she will never change. I do want to show mercy towards her for the pleasure of Allah swt as divorce is the last resort but I don't want to be hurt again, i've been doing Isthikhara with a hope that Allah puts all my affairs in order, if she is meant for me she'll apologise to me my family , declare submission etc and come back, if not then let her stay with her family, she doesn't need me 100% anyway. Never has to that scale. Nothing I can do.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    I couldn't read everything, but man oh man. That's a ton of drama! I feel for you and I know what a situation like this can do to a man.

    If you want a relationship with your daughter GET MOVING NOW. The longer you do nothing, the easier it will be for her to take all your rights away as a father. Status quo is what will be followed and this is being set every day that goes by. Mot western countries work the same so I'm pretty confident in what I'm telling you.

    Demand to take your daughter as often as possible and get the court involved RIGHT NOW. You will regret it if you don't! Don't try to play the nice guy and be lenient because like I said, status quo will win almost every time.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    Sister, you do know there is a huge sexism toward fatherhood, right? There is anti-father society we live. Society is content to give the child to a monkey than to let the child be given custody to the father.
    I am absolutely well aware of this, however, heed my advice. You need to do something now instead of letting time go by. When I said status quo takes priority I meant that whatever normal you and your ex wife establish, that is going to be what the courts use to establish visitation.

    With all due respect, if this child is yours and you wish to be a part of her life, you need to not be a wimp about it. Yes in western countries women have the upper hand with children, but men who want to be a part of their kids lives manage at the very least, every other weekend. Is it fair? Not in many cases, but that's what you are facing. You have to try though and you have to give it your all.

    You have to do something as well as turn to Allah to make things right. I am no lawyer but I am very familiar with how child custody proceedings work. If you don't move and get visitation going now, your lack of interest will work against you. The clock is ticking. Before you even decide on divorce, establish visitation.

    Edited to add: This message was meant for the original posted. Not xboxisdead.
    Last edited by Umm♥Layth; 06-04-2018 at 03:03 PM.

  9. #26
    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    FYI, we didnt register the marriage in the office, we did nikkah only, ordained by the imaam and we have the islamic marriage ceritificate. Got a feeling they may demand it to be registered, but without trust and a 'sound and stable relationship' at this point it would be a very foolish move. Then she may target my house, she did in the past ask about titleship to property here in the UK and in my motherland. Again this speaks volume about a persons character in my opinion.

    - - - Updated - - -

    FYI, we didnt register the marriage in the office, we did nikkah only, ordained by the imaam and we have the islamic marriage ceritificate. Got a feeling they may demand it to be registered, but without trust and a 'sound and stable relationship' at this point it would be a very foolish move. Then she may target my house, she did in the past ask about titleship to property here in the UK and in my motherland. Again this speaks volume about a persons character in my opinion.

    - - - Updated - - -

    in the 18 months of marriage she's only lived with me since the baby was born in Sept 2017, thats when she transferred the surgery details and when we registered the child at my local surgery. Only after that event she stayed under my care 80 - 90% so its been what just over 8 months.

  10. #27
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    but before the baby's birth, my wife came and stayed with me on a part time hotel guest basis, thats how it felt.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu, brother. You deserve better than a part-time nominal wife. Talk to a lawyer. The fact that you didn't do a civil marriage might work in your favor. Talk to a regular lawyer and an Islamic shariah lawyer if you can find one.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalamu Alaikum

    It's wrong to make speculations about someone without knowing 100% the truth; we shouldn't pass our judgements based on some messages between her and a guy. I'm not saying what she's done was right, but it's not adultery and we don't know the nature of the messages to make it sound as if it were. We need to be careful not to slander or cause more fitnah.

    @Imraan , this is a very difficult time for you and I believe that you should seek some help both legally and Islamically. If there is any way to work it out with her, then that is the best course of action. If there isn't, then you should both try to be civil through this process and make arrangements with her to see your daughter. Make du'a and seek help from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You never know; things can change. It's easy to be hateful, angry, and look for all of the reasons it went wrong, but just take it as a test as any test in life and try to do the things which will please Allah.
    | Likes Nashita, Imraan liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    Assalamu Alaikum

    It's wrong to make speculations about someone without knowing 100% the truth; we shouldn't pass our judgements based on some messages between her and a guy. I'm not saying what she's done was right, but it's not adultery and we don't know the nature of the messages to make it sound as if it were. We need to be careful not to slander or cause more fitnah.

    @Imraan, this is a very difficult time for you and I believe that you should seek some help both legally and Islamically. If there is any way to work it out with her, then that is the best course of action. If there isn't, then you should both try to be civil through this process and make arrangements with her to see your daughter. Make du'a and seek help from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. You never know; things can change. It's easy to be hateful, angry, and look for all of the reasons it went wrong, but just take it as a test as any test in life and try to do the things which will please Allah.
    I want to but i have some major trust issues with my wife and her family, the stuff that has happened seem to me like they want to put me at an disadvantage. I don't have any financial unity with this person, i have debt, i asked for assistance once, but i never got anything helpful back. Her mum back in Sept 2017 said how they lived their lives in London, they wanted to implement the same with me, they as a family lived their financial lives as follows, her mum prescribed to me: the father goes out to work, with that money he pays for the house, the bills, the food and some support to his wife and kids. the mother works/claims benefits and she spends on herself and her kids. Personally I did not like the segragative approach. On top of that my wife took her wedding gold to her dads and to put in his safe 2 months after the wedding, then challenged me on her working back in london which she somehow managed to make happen. I can;t help thinking some of this was premeditated as they were prepared for any seperation at an early stage, why do people get married then?

    as for the messages with the guy, i'll have you know when i found it on her phone the day after the wedding, i read through it, she sent her good looking pics and there were video recordings of their facetime, i took proof of it and sent it to my phone, i have pictures of her with her hair out video chatting to a guy lying on his bed. this is the proof ill be presenting at the 'sit down' with elders, i don't care who it upsets in their family, i'm the one who is hurt, its my duty to demand justice or let her go, she ain't trustworthy or good for me. I don't even want her to mother any of my offspring after everything. I pray everyday for a solution, i want everyone to be happy but it seems impossible at times.

    i tried a civil separation discussion with her, she said "i'll claim the child support off you but i think it would be better for her if you didn't visit her". "Why?" I asked, she said "then she won't wonder why someone comes periodically to visit her or take her home", my wife is probably thinking if she can get married then maybe our daughter won;t notice a change in the father and life will go on as nothing ever happened.

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    as for the messages with the guy, i'll have you know when i found it on her phone the day after the wedding, i read through it, she sent her good looking pics and there were video recordings of their facetime, i took proof of it and sent it to my phone, i have pictures of her with her hair out video chatting to a guy lying on his bed. this is the proof ill be presenting at the 'sit down' with elders, i don't care who it upsets in their family, i'm the one who is hurt, its my duty to demand justice or let her go, she ain't trustworthy or good for me. I don't even want her to mother any of my offspring after everything. I pray everyday for a solution, i want everyone to be happy but it seems impossible at times.
    I understand, but it is still something which doesn't mean she actually committed zina. She did commit a form of it, but you have to be careful with that. If you want to divorce her, you have that right and you have enough valid reasons already to divorce her, but you shouldn't expose her sins.

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    i tried a civil separation discussion with her, she said "i'll claim the child support off you but i think it would be better for her if you didn't visit her". "Why?" I asked, she said "then she won't wonder why someone comes periodically to visit her or take her home", my wife is probably thinking if she can get married then maybe our daughter won;t notice a change in the father and life will go on as nothing ever happened.
    It wouldn't be her choice to keep your daughter away from you if you could get visitation rights. You should inquire about that soon.

    I know you feel hurt and betrayed, but at the end of the day, you can at least say that you tried your best to work it out and it just didn't work out. THat's Allah's decree. If you don't believe you put in enough effort, then you can keep trying. You will move on with your life inshallah and this is definitely a lesson learned I hope because both of you have made mistakes from the very beginning. It may not seem like anything makes sense now, but perhaps things will be more clear later on and you'll understand why everything happened the way it did. I just urge you to try to keep your calm and don't do anything based on just your emotions. You seem to have a good support system, so consult with them and try to look at this as more of a learning experience rather than as a failed marriage.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    We are now in September. So far the following has happened.

    In regards to the sit down, the day she left, i told her not to apply for maintenance until the elders have sat down. it was agreed that she would come back to me with a sit down date ( i even have her message "wait for my father to call you with a sit down date). I followed up with her every week for about 9 weeks about the sit down date only to be told in the 9th week "oh we are waiting on your family for a sit down date", that didn't go down to well with me. By that time relatives were abroad in the UK six week summer holidays etc so we are waiting on their return which should be within the next 2 weeks.

    After Ramadan i requested to see our daughter for the first time, my wife would oblige and me and my family would meet our daughter in a shopping centre in London and spend about 4 - 5 hours with her. so i would again request to see our daughter every 3 or 4 weeks (due to distance), so we did that on 4 occasions. On the 4th occasion my wife starts talking about money saying "my father can look after and finance me, but he's not willing to finance our daughter, therefore im going to have to go through child maintenance, i responded ok, its best to keep it private for now until we sit down so i agreed an amount and told her i would pay on Monday every week, which i did. On the fifth occasion when i asked to see the baby, she said she's not well, she's doesn't leave the house etc and that i would have to go to her parents house to see the baby, i replied "are you mad, you know that's awkward with everything that's going", she said "sorry that's the way it is". I requested a few times to see if her health has improved, but i kept getting the same responses back. Eventually she gets spotted at another shopping centre far away, i (via text) confront her saying why did she say she's not well and that she doesn't leave the boundaries of her house when she was spotted in a shopping centre 10 miles away? no valid answer could be obtained, she even topped it off with "I'll go out again if i have to, its no ones business!". I stopped the conversation, when it came to pay day she contacted me asking me why i hadn't paid. i said i'll pay when i see the baby, she says that's not possible and that i leave her with no choice but for her to go claim via the child maintenance service. I received the preliminary letter today to which i phoned them up saying i would like to be doubly sure she's my kid by requesting the paternity tests.

    It looks like the legal proceedings for custody is inevitable now especially as someone has started making arrangements outside of the islamic marriage by going all 'civil law on me'. of course i have a duty to defend myself and fulfill any duties required of me islamically, insh Allah i will.

    In regards to the sit down with elders... it doesn't look anything good can come from it apart from highlighting complaints from both parties both true and false with and without evidence. My wife has already told me her people wont punish her nor does anyone value the 'imam's recommendations', so is there any point? ive been advised to end it amicably, but how, both parties need to be willing to end it amicably and accept their faults.

    i don't plan to bring her back to my house where my mum is living, no way unless she agrees to all my requests re: apologies, character/behaviour rehabilitation, bring the wedding jewellery back etc. which i think the chances are 99.9% very unlikely.

    advice from people i know include:

    - don't issue talak to her especially if you can prove she was negligent towards the marriage from the beginning (i can prove it)
    - make it look like so that i will take her back (call her bluff) if she does pledge to improve herself and after i find her separate accommodation, she can apply for a council flat right? as a single parent
    - if there is no sit down with elders, then she will have to consult the Islamic shariah council to request the talaq from me or even the khula. Am i entitled to get the 8k GBP and Mahr back? if i am, who enforces that if they refuse to give it back?
    - She cannot make any claims to my assets due to her being a 'financially non-contributing cohabitee' in the eyes of UK civil law.
    - Should i initiate the custody application now or still await a sit down with elders, i think i should as precious time is being wasted (although we need to await paternity test results). If i do apply, does it by any way imply anything in terms of Islam that i have made my decision not to take my wife back?
    - Likewise my wife has initiated the child maintenance claim, to me it gives the impression my wife is definitely not coming back.

    All these events seem too much sometimes, i feel I'm at my limits, too many headaches and instances of tension, the only thing stopping me from suicide is my religion, my responsibility to my family, my mum, sisters, nephews, daughter (paternity test permitting) and the constant reminder that i should be grateful for all i have achieved to date and all i have at present.

    please remember me in your prayers
    -to make us understand that these calamities are actually blessings for us
    -to help us through these tough times
    -so that Allah swt makes it easier for us
    -and remember the innocent child caught up in this marriage issue
    -pray that i get full custody of her, although she is the mother i am not fully confident that she is fit enough to be one unfortunately, i have evidence for that too (where she sent me pictures of the baby (at 4 months old) on the baby bouncer chair upside down with the baby's head on the kitchen floor tile), my wife thought that was entertaining for her and that she would share that with me on a joking level. Are mothers allowed to do what they like with their children? no, if its not humane and ethical then they shouldn't!. people say that islamically the mother has 3 times more HAQ on the child than anyone else related, should i just leave everything in Allah swt's hands?

    Jzk for your time in reading this and please remember me, my family, the whole muslim ummah, humanity and mankind in your dua's.

    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathuhu
    | Likes Alamgir liked this post

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    Shamnadanu's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    We are now in September. So far the following has happened.

    In regards to the sit down, the day she left, i told her not to apply for maintenance until the elders have sat down. it was agreed that she would come back to me with a sit down date ( i even have her message "wait for my father to call you with a sit down date). I followed up with her every week for about 9 weeks about the sit down date only to be told in the 9th week "oh we are waiting on your family for a sit down date", that didn't go down to well with me. By that time relatives were abroad in the UK six week summer holidays etc so we are waiting on their return which should be within the next 2 weeks.

    After Ramadan i requested to see our daughter for the first time, my wife would oblige and me and my family would meet our daughter in a shopping centre in London and spend about 4 - 5 hours with her. so i would again request to see our daughter every 3 or 4 weeks (due to distance), so we did that on 4 occasions. On the 4th occasion my wife starts talking about money saying "my father can look after and finance me, but he's not willing to finance our daughter, therefore im going to have to go through child maintenance, i responded ok, its best to keep it private for now until we sit down so i agreed an amount and told her i would pay on Monday every week, which i did. On the fifth occasion when i asked to see the baby, she said she's not well, she's doesn't leave the house etc and that i would have to go to her parents house to see the baby, i replied "are you mad, you know that's awkward with everything that's going", she said "sorry that's the way it is". I requested a few times to see if her health has improved, but i kept getting the same responses back. Eventually she gets spotted at another shopping centre far away, i (via text) confront her saying why did she say she's not well and that she doesn't leave the boundaries of her house when she was spotted in a shopping centre 10 miles away? no valid answer could be obtained, she even topped it off with "I'll go out again if i have to, its no ones business!". I stopped the conversation, when it came to pay day she contacted me asking me why i hadn't paid. i said i'll pay when i see the baby, she says that's not possible and that i leave her with no choice but for her to go claim via the child maintenance service. I received the preliminary letter today to which i phoned them up saying i would like to be doubly sure she's my kid by requesting the paternity tests.

    It looks like the legal proceedings for custody is inevitable now especially as someone has started making arrangements outside of the islamic marriage by going all 'civil law on me'. of course i have a duty to defend myself and fulfill any duties required of me islamically, insh Allah i will.

    In regards to the sit down with elders... it doesn't look anything good can come from it apart from highlighting complaints from both parties both true and false with and without evidence. My wife has already told me her people wont punish her nor does anyone value the 'imam's recommendations', so is there any point? ive been advised to end it amicably, but how, both parties need to be willing to end it amicably and accept their faults.

    i don't plan to bring her back to my house where my mum is living, no way unless she agrees to all my requests re: apologies, character/behaviour rehabilitation, bring the wedding jewellery back etc. which i think the chances are 99.9% very unlikely.

    advice from people i know include:

    - don't issue talak to her especially if you can prove she was negligent towards the marriage from the beginning (i can prove it)
    - make it look like so that i will take her back (call her bluff) if she does pledge to improve herself and after i find her separate accommodation, she can apply for a council flat right? as a single parent
    - if there is no sit down with elders, then she will have to consult the Islamic shariah council to request the talaq from me or even the khula. Am i entitled to get the 8k GBP and Mahr back? if i am, who enforces that if they refuse to give it back?
    - She cannot make any claims to my assets due to her being a 'financially non-contributing cohabitee' in the eyes of UK civil law.
    - Should i initiate the custody application now or still await a sit down with elders, i think i should as precious time is being wasted (although we need to await paternity test results). If i do apply, does it by any way imply anything in terms of Islam that i have made my decision not to take my wife back?
    - Likewise my wife has initiated the child maintenance claim, to me it gives the impression my wife is definitely not coming back.

    All these events seem too much sometimes, i feel I'm at my limits, too many headaches and instances of tension, the only thing stopping me from suicide is my religion, my responsibility to my family, my mum, sisters, nephews, daughter (paternity test permitting) and the constant reminder that i should be grateful for all i have achieved to date and all i have at present.

    please remember me in your prayers
    -to make us understand that these calamities are actually blessings for us
    -to help us through these tough times
    -so that Allah swt makes it easier for us
    -and remember the innocent child caught up in this marriage issue
    -pray that i get full custody of her, although she is the mother i am not fully confident that she is fit enough to be one unfortunately, i have evidence for that too (where she sent me pictures of the baby (at 4 months old) on the baby bouncer chair upside down with the baby's head on the kitchen floor tile), my wife thought that was entertaining for her and that she would share that with me on a joking level. Are mothers allowed to do what they like with their children? no, if its not humane and ethical then they shouldn't!. people say that islamically the mother has 3 times more HAQ on the child than anyone else related, should i just leave everything in Allah swt's hands?

    Jzk for your time in reading this and please remember me, my family, the whole muslim ummah, humanity and mankind in your dua's.

    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathuhu
    Is there any way you can maker her fall in love with you again.?

  18. #34
    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    I must reiterate, based on my experiences of her character and ethics, the likelihood of her falling in love with me again is zero. The magnitude of the issues (whilst it could have been much worse) have been significant from my perspective. I have been advised to forgive her for everything as long as she accepts fault, pledges to fulfil the basics of her husband's right and repents for her sins (and I genuinely would forgive her for the pleasure of Allah swt if she did) but I'm quite sure she self righteously thinks she has done nothing wrong.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Asalamualykum

    Please could you seek the advice of a respected islamic teacher/counsellor?

    I believe this would be better for you insha Allah.

    Please pray to Allah swt to guide you to the right decision. Allah swt is always there for you.

    From what i have read the effort and input is only from one side. This can only last so long. This is a matter of your sabr levels. I was told forgiveness should have limits. How many times do we keep forgiving a person for the same or different crimes? Again a test of your patience. Seek Allah's Almighty help. Allah swt is there for us.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.

  21. #36
    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by BeTheChange View Post
    Asalamualykum

    Please could you seek the advice of a respected islamic teacher/counsellor?

    I believe this would be better for you insha Allah.

    Please pray to Allah swt to guide you to the right decision. Allah swt is always there for you.

    From what i have read the effort and input is only from one side. This can only last so long. This is a matter of your sabr levels. I was told forgiveness should have limits. How many times do we keep forgiving a person for the same or different crimes? Again a test of your patience. Seek Allah's Almighty help. Allah swt is there for us.
    Problem with over forgiving is that it gives the other person to keep pushing and pushing and going beyond the limit. If Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) where to forgive all his creation to a point that even he forgive people who are to die a mushirk and and kuffar to paradise then no one will worship Allah, everyone ill do the most vile evil thing...murder, stealing...evil sexual act, list goes on will be the norm and we will push beyond the limit and go destroying everything in the wake...we will be boosting of arrogance and haughtiness because in the end we will be forgiving. Allah is all forgiving..no doubt...his forgiveness is infinite..but he also puts boundaries to how far we can go that if we die in that state...the door of forgiveness is closed on us. I.e, shirk..kuffar are greaat examples that if the person DIE in that state...the door of forgiveness is closed on that person.

    Humans are limited beings...there is so much far we can go before we cannot forgive anymore. To OP, you are more patient than me. Not every man is as forgiving as you are..if I get married and I got half of her attitude that you went through...I will divorce her next day. Sorry. I do not have the patience you do.

    Women of today must understand that men of today are not the same as men of the day of the prophets and sahaba. There are more men with short fuse than men like the OP. I might even say men like OP nowadays are the exception and not the rules. I will go even as far as men nowadays are reaching their limit when they have to deal with terrorism. Women terrorizing men under the guise he have children with her and use the children as weapon against the men and men submitting to such terrorism are thankfully becoming short supply. If you are blessed to be with a man who you can terrorize and dominate and treat him like a dog and he submit to you ...I say to sisters with such men...grab him with both hands and do not let go of such men. More men are ready to disown their children and want nothing to do with them and do not care if their own children commit suicide or go to jail than have to deal with you. If I had a son with you sister and you use him against me...TALAQ..he is your property. You can castrate him and turn him into little girl..I will simply laugh and do not care what you do with him. He is not my child..he is yours. I will simply shake my head and move on. So for the OP...I salute you. I respect you. I bow down to you to be this patient. You have strength I do not have. I look up to you actually, you got real strength and I envy you. Mash'allah. But brother I will not be against you if you divorce her or cannot take it anymore. If I was you I would pack my bags and accept my lose and move on. You cannot fix her. You cannot change her. This is who she is. If you cannot take it, I by all means do not blame you...find yourself a better wife than her. If you do not want to get married anymore I also salute you and a sympathize with you and agree with. May Allah Subhanahu Wa talaa make your life easy and give you a happy life, ameen.
    Last edited by xboxisdead; 09-02-2018 at 10:13 PM.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu

    dear beloved brothers and sisters.... here's an update on my situation

    Paternity test came back positive, daughter is mine, thus child maintenance payments are being paid monthly as per the Child Maintenance Service as of 1st week of September 2018.

    C100 court application initiated beginning of September starting off with a compulsory mediation process which meant waiting another month roughly before I could begin to fill out the form. By the time I had researched the process and had help completing the form myself, copies made etc and submitted etc, it was beginning of November. Phoned them this week and they said possible hearing date is end of January in a family court in East London (i did send the application to 2 other courts 'which delayed the application further' prior to the last court hoping the hearing could take place on the outskirts of London, but it was outside the jurisdiction of where my daughter is staying). Spoke to several solicitors and read forums online, i got mixed views. Some fathers really have lost the battle with minimal visitation rights (if any given there's no brainwashing of the kid leading the kid to refuse to see the father), other views say i should be allowed at least a day or a two every two weeks depending on how far father lives etc. Me living so far away I think it would be hard for me, but i'm going to try 'one full weekend once every three weeks inshallah'. All depends on the judge on the day and how many hearings it takes to get the child arrangement order, simple cases take up to 3 hearings, complicated hearings including true or false allegations of danger/hazards etc can take more. The more hearings = the more the case is stretched out.... i haven't held my daughter for 4 months now, how long more do i have to wait, life is hard but i'm patient. I do ask about my daughter and request photos of my daughter vie her mother so i know she's OK. Got it all in text so even if court asks i can prove that I am a concerned parent.

    in regards to my property,
    - according to shariah law, my daughters mother doesn't get anything apart from keeping the mahr £8k paid 2 days before the wedding (but we also have a right to ask for that back if there has been foul play (btw mixed views on this). My daughter is due financial support from me (which i'm paying) and my daughter does inherit a portion of my assets (when i die).

    -according to UK law, based on cohabiting couple scenarios, mixed views from solicitors etc. Some say the mother can claim on her own account and on behalf of the kid but would be lengthy/costly.

    Regarding the sit down with the elders, it is proving to be somewhat difficult, getting their relatives involved... we contact their relatives, their relatives get in contact with my mother in law, the relatives get shut out. We are trying to get some elders and the imam involved, my family and her parents and brothers should be there too, we won't sit down otherwise. The sit down is to realise the financial loss from my part and to try and claw back anything that im due islamically. Our Imam has advised me that I am due at least the gold back. We won;t be sitting down to reconcile differences, my daughters mother has said "she's not willing to apologise for anything she or her family has done and that even if i can prove her negligence towards the marriage and the acts she carried out to sever marital ties with me and the ties and kinship between the families that no one from her side will hold her accountable, no one is bothered, no one cares. I was utterly disgusted, is it even worth liaising with such shameless people? For some reason I feel we have a duty to sit down to get a resolution, someones got to give the divorce and give back whatevers due, right?

    Their alternative which is common in the UK now, is 'avoid the sit down and the female applies directly to the shariah council with a £300 and applies for a Khula, which she eventually gets without being held accountable for any wrong doing she did in this marriage'.

    Dont know when this will be over, seems to be taking ages. I can't even think about moving on whilst i have all this hanging over me and other elements in my circumstances...

    in the meantime have been praying, reciting, giving charity, developing spiritual self further with an attitude of accepting that Allah swt is in control of all my affairs, insh Allah. I do get occasional moments of contemplating my full history of good times and bad throughout my whole life, asking myself if I made the right decisions etc, feeling insecure or downhearted about my future here in this life and wondering what is round the corner, natural right? .... I will only get what is decreed for me. Pray it is made easier for all of us.

    Please remember me in your prayers... I would appreciate it very much.

    Jazak Allahu Khayran

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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalamu Alaikum,

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Please remember me in your prayers... I would appreciate it very much.

    Jazak Allahu Khayran
    Brother, I suggest you hire an attorney or seek the advice of one. Continue to attempt to see your daughter, even if it is frustrating, and pray for the guidance of your ex-wife and her family. You should read up on custody law in your area and present yourself in a matter that is befitting to the court system. I know there are a lot of emotions involved here, and I hope that Allah will grant you what is best and never prevent you from your child. Make sure that anything that you send to your ex-wife is not demeaning or shows irrationality or abuse on your part as she would be able to use this against you. Try to keep a journal of events that occur between you and your wife concerning the divorce and the attempts to see your daughter. Since your marriage has ended and I know it's painful, try to put those emotions aside and focus on your future inshallah. I know you did not expect or want your life to have gone in this direction, but everything happens for a reason and it isn't the end of the world alhemdulilah, you can still have a wonderful and happy life after all of this inshallah. Consider it a lesson learned for the future. Focus on being able to bond and have a relationship with your daughter as that is the most important at the moment. I hope the best for you.
    | Likes BeTheChange liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

  24. #39
    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by *charisma* View Post
    Assalamu Alaikum,



    Brother, I suggest you hire an attorney or seek the advice of one. Continue to attempt to see your daughter, even if it is frustrating, and pray for the guidance of your ex-wife and her family. You should read up on custody law in your area and present yourself in a matter that is befitting to the court system. I know there are a lot of emotions involved here, and I hope that Allah will grant you what is best and never prevent you from your child. Make sure that anything that you send to your ex-wife is not demeaning or shows irrationality or abuse on your part as she would be able to use this against you. Try to keep a journal of events that occur between you and your wife concerning the divorce and the attempts to see your daughter. Since your marriage has ended and I know it's painful, try to put those emotions aside and focus on your future inshallah. I know you did not expect or want your life to have gone in this direction, but everything happens for a reason and it isn't the end of the world alhemdulilah, you can still have a wonderful and happy life after all of this inshallah. Consider it a lesson learned for the future. Focus on being able to bond and have a relationship with your daughter as that is the most important at the moment. I hope the best for you.
    I disagree! My best advice on this matter is he keeps the money and put it toward her education and inheritance. He should save the money toward when the time comes to paying child support. He shouldn't wait for his daughter to come to him and he should seriously consider moving on. He should focus helping himself psychologically and health wise. He shouldn't cut ties. The best way to avoid cutting ties is to send her letters by mail or e-mail. See if the wife agrees he can have social relation with her via skype? If not and the mother refuses then ask the mother's permission if he can talk to his daughter by mail or email. If the mother refuses then at the sight of Allah, he have tried but he have no means so the one who is cutting ties is the mother and not him.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    I disagree! My best advice on this matter is he keeps the money and put it toward her education and inheritance. He should save the money toward when the time comes to paying child support. He shouldn't wait for his daughter to come to him and he should seriously consider moving on. He should focus helping himself psychologically and health wise. He shouldn't cut ties. The best way to avoid cutting ties is to send her letters by mail or e-mail. See if the wife agrees he can have social relation with her via skype? If not and the mother refuses then ask the mother's permission if he can talk to his daughter by mail or email. If the mother refuses then at the sight of Allah, he have tried but he have no means so the one who is cutting ties is the mother and not him.
    Unsure what you're disagreeing with as you just reiterated everything I said :/
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it


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