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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)


    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

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    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

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    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Jazak Allah for your prayers. Let us hope that there comes a stop to even the basic non excusable rights from being violated.

    - - - Updated - - -



    Off course. I could have been in a position far worse than the one I am now. Still I pray everyday and I feel I am sinking to the bottom of the ocean.... this despair is hard to get rid of. Its latched on to me, not a day goes by I dont think about it. But I'm sorry I cant just forget a little innocent girl just like that, shes still a little toddler.. innocent soul who doesnt even know what is going on..... I think I'm more worried how I will be accountable in the hereafter if I do give up on her. So many fathers have given up and just abandoned their kids. U till I have no choice i have to keep trying I think... the more I try the more I get beat down is the way I'm feeling. Still I feel I must perservere for Allahs sake..
    Dude! Let me repeat this again....Allah does not punish a person who have no power and rights. In the country where you live in...you have no rights....I repeat...in the country where you live in...you have no rights. So how can Allah punish you for not having rights and failing in exercising your no right? During the period of toddler and baby the child is at full custody of the mother. She needs her mother more than she needs you. What her mother is doing wrong is preventing you from seeing the children, using non-Muslim court to harm a Muslim brother, etc all of these stupidity she is doing she is paying for it dearly in the afterlife not you. If you pack your bags and leave the country and pay child support you are doing no wrong.

    Those men who up and left their children did the right thing, because they have no right and the law is against them so the best they could do is up and leave and build new society. Now..if he is living in a Muslim country where his rights are actually protected and not just "Muslim country" by name and he then up and left and want nothing to do with his children..then yes in my eyes he is a dead beat dad. Especially if he does not pay the children their finances. However, if he lives in a non-Muslim country and he tries to be part of the children and the mother and the court is blocking the father access to the children no matter how hard he tries...my advice to him is move on. You see...society wants a man to jump up the mountain to proof his a good father...

    that is stupid...that is idiot and he should not have to do that. The system is designed to break family and destroy men. It is that simple. System is build so women are not accounted for any crime she commits, even kufr and put all blame on men. Sadly you experienced it at personal level. But there is nothing you could do here...except move on.

    Now the part where you are scared that Allah will punish you because you did not try hard enough...you should scroll back up again and read the part what I said. Don't cut ties with your daughter, make videos and audios, check her birthdays and send her gifts (make copy of everything in case the ex will destroy everything you mail to her and then says to your daughter see he did not do his part). Make sure every gift you buy have a receipt with date on it to show her proof of your purchase gifts. Every gift you buy...make sure you buy two of them (like I said in case the ex destroys your gifts). The money that you will actually spend on getting joined custody (which by the way...a terminology that does not exist in Islam and it is against Shariah law) you should spend it on saving your daughter for her inheritance. If you try to always form connection with your daughter..record that you are singing for your daughter as if you are holding her with your hands, record video of your face smiling and waving at your daughter as a baby, talk to her as if she is there....always check to see where the mother have moved her and move close to her so that when she is older you can try to talk to her in skype or email. If the ex refuses to give you her contact information and does not want you to talk to her on skype or email or send the police at you with false allegation you raped her so that you have to live far away from your daughter and lose all forms of communication with her, that is fine..your ex right in front of you is buying ticket to go deeper into hellfire, that is fine with me..I don't care...Allah will create better women than her....do more recording of you talking to your daughter as if you are doing it in front of her on skype...keep letters, write letters..send them to her by mail and keep receipts of sending the letters and make two copies of the letters..until she is grown adult. This point she is free from her mother and you can just mail her the items then (the second copy) and tell her in one of your letters if you still want your inheritance from me...please visit me (at public place please..she is after all...an estrange woman and non-mahram to you now..since these MOTHERS don't understand when you cut ties between father and daughter when she is a baby....many times the father finds the daughter attractive and start raping her or have sex with her and the daughter crave daddy...fall for it ).

    When you visit her at public place (make sure she wears Hijab in front of you and she have a mahram with her) give her..her money that you owe her and see if you can build your relationship there (with the gifts you gave her) she will find how evil her mother is. Do not forget to record all the lawyer conversation how your ex is been vindictive at you and how she harmed you and so on...so you can see that it was not you who is at fault but the ex is (if you want to show her that if not..it is even better because you are doing it for Allah's pleasure and not seeking revenge). Allah will punish her. People underestimate the severity of Allah's punishment. To me having seizures or endless vertigo or blindness is unbearable punishment for me...heck..losing my taste or smell make my life a miserable danka and a severe punishment and that is here in Dunaya...I cannot image what it is like in afterlife. Men and WOMEN seem to miss the boat and have ZERO FEAR from Allah (Subahanu Wa Talaa) and fall into ego and dunaya!

    Now...MOVE ON...best way you can hurt your ex is move on and find a better woman than your EX. LOOK AT WHAT I TYPED EARLIER ABOUT FINDING the right person and avoid marrying them in modern society (first world countries). When you do get married and your daughter reaches age 10 or older or even adult...NEVER LET HER SEE YOUR WIFE or new children...the ex will use your daughter against you. The daughter will try sabotage your relationship with your new wife and new children. No visiting your home. If you must see your daughter it can only be done at her ex place..public place...park..restaurant...whatever time you can give her and then drop her back to her mother and leave. In front of Allah you have fulfilled your obligation to your old daughter and she have nothing against you...keep paying for education and cloth and food and basic necessity. It is not your DUTY TO PAY YOUR DAUGHTER FOR TOYS OR SMART PHONE or anything else. Don't let your ex manipulate you into paying outrageous expense to your daughter because if you do...you are teaching your daughter to be materialistic and demand and demand and demand and demand and you will destroy your daughter due to your ex manipulation and mind control. Never let your ex control your mind. Simple. If your ex goes to media and say how of a deadbeat dad you are and how you have failed and you have moved on instead of fighting for your daughter and she uses that to show your daughter how bad of a father you are...know that is a form of parental alienation and she is coming a major sin and she will be punished in the afterlife. You have full right to exercise your parental power over your daughter and be ghadbaan at her. Your daughter would have destroyed the door to paradise which is fine by you because in the afterlife when the sun is above her head and hellfire is in front of your daughter that is your cue to take from her good deed from the mistreatment she have done on you. (Your mission is to make sure they have nothing against you in day of judgement...if you follow my advise you are protected in the afterlife) This again shows how stupid your ex wife is and how she is willing to destroy her life and her daughters life to hurt you.

    That is unfrotunately what majority of women do.
    | Likes Studentofdeed, Imraan, Ahmed. liked this post

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Saw my girl for the first time after 15 months yesterday in a child contact centre. Centre fees I have to pay for so you can imagine, I'm paying child support, on top of that professional fees at the centre, now I'm worried if il be able to sustain the costs over long term if the contact doesnt go to plan. I say this because I only got to hold her for a couple of seconds, she was crying the whole time throughout the session resulting in the session being terminated. What if my girl doesnt adapt to me and I end up abandoning contact?

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Saw my girl for the first time after 15 months yesterday in a child contact centre. Centre fees I have to pay for so you can imagine, I'm paying child support, on top of that professional fees at the centre, now I'm worried if il be able to sustain the costs over long term if the contact doesnt go to plan. I say this because I only got to hold her for a couple of seconds, she was crying the whole time throughout the session resulting in the session being terminated. What if my girl doesnt adapt to me and I end up abandoning contact?
    Brother, you can't beat the law and the more your daughter stays away from you, the more distant she'll become, so really you should try and better your life by focusing upon getting another wife and having more children and this will help you heal

    Your only chance with your daughter seems to be, when she is older and understands what 'dad' is, then she'll want to develop a relationship with you, and before that, she may just look upon you as a stranger.

    I think you're fighting a losing battle here br, so focus on, marraige number 2
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    In the early hours of this morning I've had my house windows smashed by big stones the size of a mans fist. Me and my family have been patient and we pray for protection, we dont retaliate and then this happens.

    Man we cant seem to get a break from these people. I don't want to be like a sitting duck while they do all this vandalism and rumour spreading accompanied with threats.

    So on top of the court process, we've had a car set on fire, rumours being continuously spread by the ex and the ex's mother, threats made by both of them against my family and my house windows smashed.

    This is typical asian honour based vandalism and terrorism. If I had the might and means i would have retaliated and responded in a language they understand, Instead I lie helplessly in wait of their next move. We pray things get better, it seems to be getting worse. Yes it could have been worse than it already is but the stuff that's happened is bad enough. They're asking for a punishment. I've been praying they are punished for their antics, instead I'm getting more rubbish!

    I still pray everyday, I complain to Allah swt everyday, I cry to Allah swt, why does this happen even after we have turned to Allah swt, yes he sees and knows everything thats going on but I'm desperate for help, his help.. I'd rather he sort them out in this life but chances of divine justice in this world is slim... look at all the ongoing atrocities going in the world....

    Please remember us in your duas. I have an elderly mother, it's not easy for her to be exposed to this kind of evil, not easy for anyone. She just says 'Allah swt is with us always' and we recite duas together and pray everyday. I have nephews and nieces so it's always a worry if they'll strike and put them in danger next, I mean they already burned my nieces car. They threw stones through my house windows, what if I had guests staying in the room I found the stones..

    I yearn for the day Allah swt punishes that family. What if he forgives them for Allah swt is the most merciful? What about my loss and detriment.

    I dont feel safe and yes life in this world is temporary, but we still got to live everyday and fulfil the needs of our dependents the best we can, these issues drag me down.

    Pray that justice is served in this world and all evil from that family comes to a stop, I feel stuck, facing an obstacle I cant overcome. Life was simple before I got married, i used to be able to do more, help more of my relatives, I hope I can go back to doing that again.

    We are a good family, my mum has been a great guide in instilling and spreading positivity amongst us siblings, she still does. That generation of people wont be around for long.

    What a life. Calamities supposed to make us stronger, instead I find myself sucking it up each time and the police cant do much without evidence so that doesnt help dealing with a cowardly and conniving family.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    In the early hours of this morning I've had my house windows smashed by big stones the size of a mans fist. Me and my family have been patient and we pray for protection, we dont retaliate and then this happens.

    Man we cant seem to get a break from these people. I don't want to be like a sitting duck while they do all this vandalism and rumour spreading accompanied with threats.

    So on top of the court process, we've had a car set on fire, rumours being continuously spread by the ex and the ex's mother, threats made by both of them against my family and my house windows smashed.

    This is typical asian honour based vandalism and terrorism. If I had the might and means i would have retaliated and responded in a language they understand, Instead I lie helplessly in wait of their next move. We pray things get better, it seems to be getting worse. Yes it could have been worse than it already is but the stuff that's happened is bad enough. They're asking for a punishment. I've been praying they are punished for their antics, instead I'm getting more rubbish!

    I still pray everyday, I complain to Allah swt everyday, I cry to Allah swt, why does this happen even after we have turned to Allah swt, yes he sees and knows everything thats going on but I'm desperate for help, his help.. I'd rather he sort them out in this life but chances of divine justice in this world is slim... look at all the ongoing atrocities going in the world....

    Please remember us in your duas. I have an elderly mother, it's not easy for her to be exposed to this kind of evil, not easy for anyone. She just says 'Allah swt is with us always' and we recite duas together and pray everyday. I have nephews and nieces so it's always a worry if they'll strike and put them in danger next, I mean they already burned my nieces car. They threw stones through my house windows, what if I had guests staying in the room I found the stones..

    I yearn for the day Allah swt punishes that family. What if he forgives them for Allah swt is the most merciful? What about my loss and detriment.

    I dont feel safe and yes life in this world is temporary, but we still got to live everyday and fulfil the needs of our dependents the best we can, these issues drag me down.

    Pray that justice is served in this world and all evil from that family comes to a stop, I feel stuck, facing an obstacle I cant overcome. Life was simple before I got married, i used to be able to do more, help more of my relatives, I hope I can go back to doing that again.

    We are a good family, my mum has been a great guide in instilling and spreading positivity amongst us siblings, she still does. That generation of people wont be around for long.

    What a life. Calamities supposed to make us stronger, instead I find myself sucking it up each time and the police cant do much without evidence so that doesnt help dealing with a cowardly and conniving family.
    My Allah make it easy for you ameen.


    Al-hamdolillah I am not married! - kicks hand and puts it on forehead - Alhamdollillah I am not married! Alhamdollillah! Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) have been merciful on me! Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar!

    Please brother, at this time don't think of getting married. Finish from your calamity and think about yourself and how to improve yourself emotionally and physically!

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Do have any security camera around your house? Does any of the neighbor caught the incident on camera?
    You are in my prayers.
    May Allah make it easy for you brother! Ameen!

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by HabibUrrehman View Post
    Do have any security camera around your house? Does any of the neighbor caught the incident on camera?
    You are in my prayers.
    May Allah make it easy for you brother! Ameen!
    No CCTV footage from anywhere, youd never think it would come to this stage and magnitude but it has, my doorbell cam didnt capture it. I will install another camera insh Allah.

    Jzk brother for your prayers. Hope they all get answered soon, I feeling like im reaching the end of the line.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    So all this is happening over the custody battle or your vistiting rights over your daughter?

    Yup try to install cameras that look out into the street too. They may wear hoodies and do it at night so cameras might not be of help

    If it's come to this, then I suggest for your and your families safety, just give up your rights brother. Your daughter is in safe hands with her mum.... Just advice them to bring up your daughter Islamically, I'm sure they won't mind that advice. Once your daughter is a teen, she'd be able to come and see you on her own accord
    | Likes xboxisdead liked this post

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Please look at post #81 My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    The advice remains the same and unchanged. My advise is follow advice #81 (do recording of the conversation with them). Say it like this, "I understand that you guys do not want me to visit the child and have any right in raising the child. I mean the fact that you guys smashed my car and broke the windows of my house is a big indicative of it. I will make an agreement. It is not for you or for that child, it is for Allah's pleasure I will be paying child support for that child. Until it is Islamically prescribed that I should stop. You raise the child yourself and I will have nothing to do with her. In one condition, you raise her in a proper Islamic way. You make sure she is protected from evil eyes. You teach her between proper right and wrong and you be her protector from evil men and evil women. If you agree to be the mother and the father, I am ok with it. If it makes you happy that you get all the praises and sympathy for been a hardworking single mother and the evil man which is me (because that is the narrative we want to play) have failed in his responsibility and proof politically that only mothers are fit parents and not fathers...I am ok with it, I will take the dirt. I will take the blame. I will take the fingering. I will be the evil monster. Just make sure my daughter is protected and raised well. Finally, please stop destroying my property, please stop destroying my car and let me move on."

    Have a lawyer be with you in the same room as her with her lawyer (and do not do this in personal level and be alone with her) in public office (building). Keep this recording so one day when your daughter comes out having boy/girlfriend left and right, not wearing Hijjaab, been raped and molested (which all will happen without a father around), may even become Atheist (which at that point she is not really your daughter), you can send her this recording of the conversation you have done with the mother as proof you are innocent in all regard.

    After you have done this recording, move on. Please. Move on. Forget this baby girl, forget this mother and move on. My advise...do not get married again until you fix yourself, until you have bettered yourself, empowered yourself. If I was you...I would get a boy to raise in my home. Sponsor a boy in your home and raise him. Make sure you have a good gift ready for him when he grows older. I would rather see more men not get married..I prefer to see 60% of Muslim men population drop in marriage and only 40% worldwide get married and those 60% sponsor boys from orphanage homes then make their own babies. You want to know why?

    So that there will be drop in crime rates in society and drop in serial killers and drop drug dealers and drop in crime rates and even drop in having an increase evil military that will come one day and destroy our homes and our families. Ever wonder what will happen to this little boys who are orphaned, who have no one to love them, who have been physically, sexually and psychologically abused? These boys will be taking by the government to increase in their military power which one day will come back as evil cops and soldiers who would not care to kill, abuse, rape your men and womenfolk. These boys will grow up serial killers and start killing you. These bo....I think you get the point. The best thing a man could do to society is save these boys and make them into proper men, good men, men that follow the ways of the prophet peace be upon him. Because one day, we WILL need these men (after Allah) to protect us from the evil that intend to attack our religion and break down our family.

    I do not think nowadays men have it in them to be able to handle a wife, his own kids and sponsor a child. Because the womenfolk nowadays are a bigger burden than help to him. He have to do with all the drama that comes with it!

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    It's not just custody battle, alongside islamic divorce not complete yet, Its hate, persecution, defamation of a familys reputation to divert blame away from themselves, intimidation, these people think they are powerful because they are rich and can talk a load of nonsense, they dont fear god and I doubt they will face Allah swt wrath in this life.

    The woman wants to keep mahr dowry, the child and wants to destroy me and my family at the same time. They have millions yet they act like beggars!

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Asalamualykum

    I understand your pain and struggle. I have witnessed close family members go through a very similar experience to such an extent that they were locked up behind bars!! ..even though they were and are innocent! Allah Hu Akbar. The honest people will always be tortured and hurt because the system is set up for liars to excel.

    You must NEVER give up hope. NEVER. Turn to Allah swt and understand that noone has greater power and control than Allah swt. Allah swt is testing so why don't you force a smile and be happy amongst family members? The more you smile, the more you will internalise this feeling and feel it. Appreciate the people and blessings you have and insha Allah there is wisdom in this trial you are going through. Insha Allah it will all make sense once you are out of it. Heal your heart by reciting Quraan shareef.

    We will be tested with our wealth, children, health etc and the funny thing is none of these things were ours in the first place. Subhana Allah. It is Allah swt who blessed us with these things.

    May Allah swt make it easy for you and your family Ameen.

    Last edited by BeTheChange; 1 Week Ago at 09:36 PM.
    | Likes HabibUrrehman, Imraan, xboxisdead, Ahmed. liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    It's not just custody battle, alongside islamic divorce not complete yet, Its hate, persecution, defamation of a familys reputation to divert blame away from themselves, intimidation, these people think they are powerful because they are rich and can talk a load of nonsense, they dont fear god and I doubt they will face Allah swt wrath in this life.

    The woman wants to keep mahr dowry, the child and wants to destroy me and my family at the same time. They have millions yet they act like beggars!
    Many ways I am jealous of you Imraan. Many ways I wish I was married and have kids just so that my wife deny me my rights and deny my parental rights. Many ways I wish I had an ex-wife who use the kaffir law and man made to oppress me and oppress my children and make me hate my children and make my children hate me. I envy those Muslim men who have ties been cut between him and his children because of the mother of the children and I envy these men who die crying and heart bleeding and I envy those men whose children would not visit them in their graves and I envy those men who have a wife who verbally and physically abuses them and who deny them intimacy.

    Those men in day of resurrection will have their sins cleaned and will have high level of Jannah I would love to be in their shoes.

    Thank Allah that the family is doing this to you! Thank Allah that your daughter will be your open enemy as she grows older. Thank Allah that your wife is cutting ties between you and your daughter. Thank Allah that your wife is ruining your reputation and destroying your property. Thank Allah that your wife is preventing you from playing your role as a father.

    Allah is replacing all this with something better! Imraan, go to your room and lock the door and cry to Allah and thank him for the calamity he have put you on. Come out smiling from that room! GO COME OUT SMILING FROM THAT ROOM AND SCREAM "Yeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been picked! I have been picked! I have been picked!!!!!" Go run and kiss the Qura'an and read it before you go to bed everyday until death takes you!

    Lift your heart and smile with joy!! This parenting role is trivial compared to what you are getting in exchange for it!

    I want you to post a happy smile face! Thank Allah and move on!! Enjoy your life! Daughter, son who cares...Allah have taken them from you and in exchange he have given you something better!! SOMETHING SUPERIOR! Be grateful and thank him.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Imraaan, go out there and sponsor a Muslim boy in a Muslim country and save a brother from harm! So that Allah (subhanau Wa Talaa) raises you EVEN HIGHER level in paradise! You made a trade. You exchanged your daughter for a higher level of Jannah. What better trade than this? If I had 10 daughters I would sell them all for higher level of paradise. If there is an ahadeeth that says if a man have children you can raise them or sell them to get the top top level of Jannah and that selling means you sell your parental right and let the mother do all the hard job of working and raising the children on her own and been a mother and a father on her own and you never get to see them...even if Allah have given me 30 daughters...like that - flicks finger - I would sell them for higher level of Jannah. I would not even waver.

    Here Allah have done that for you...he toke back his property and in exchange is giving you something better for your stress. So my advise is that you smile and be thankful!
    | Likes HabibUrrehman liked this post

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Look at that!! A single non-Muslim man who is fine been single, not have a wife and have adopted 5 children on his own to raise him https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pzx03mXOUSE

    Why should a non-Muslim man be stronger than a Muslim man to be able to take care of a new generation on his own without a wife? No..Imraan.....look at him...look at this man...raising children on his own..not even biologically related to him!! Orphan Muslim children are more deserving to be sponsored (adopted) and taken care of! You will be a hero Imraan...the biggest hero..to remove your self interest and sacrifice...and help children be protected from the hands of the government, from the hand of evil men, from the hand of society who don't care for them! Picture this: In the day of judgement you will see hundreds of men standing in front of you and running to give you a big hug to have saved them in dunaya and akhira! When I was volunteering (this is just volunteering) teaching young boys Qura'an and when he grow to teenager and age 17...he remembered me...he came running to me and gave me a big hug! My eyes nearly moist in tears! My eyes nearly cried and that is just simple thing as just been a tutor! I have not even adopted him! Imagine with your golden heart Imraan when you do adopted (sponsor) them and make them stand on their own feet and teach them what it is to be a REAL man! So many Shkeikhs are saying good men...marriage material men are becoming a rare!

    WELL..this is where you come in......to reverse this issue by raising good men who have no parent or family for them.

    Personally I want to sponsor children myself....before it is too late for me. I am in my 40's if I don't sponsor them soon enough before I hit 50 or 60.,..it will be too late for me. You still have the energy and youth to back you up! Do it Imraan before sponsoring children becomes too complicated so that the government will be only having access to them.


    YOU DO NOT WANT THAT!

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    One more thing of great importance comes to my mind. All this drama, shouting, arguments etc. takes you away from your real focus in life which is to get closer to Allah swt. To worship Allah swt as HE should be worshipped. Don't waste precious time and energy fighting a losing battle even though you are emotionally invested. Think logically and not with your emotion. Be strong for your mum and go out for daily walks. Insha Allah excercise will release all the mental stress. Set a goal to learn the last 10 surats of Quraan off by heart insha Allah or any other goal. Keep your mind focused on any project and insha Allah you will get through this trial Ameen.
    | Likes xboxisdead, Ahmed., Imraan liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.

  21. #96
    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Every night for the past 2 weeks I have been reading 4 units of nafl prayer and the last 3 ayats of surah bakarah and praying for protection for myself, my family members, our property and all muslims. Last night I finished praying and read surahs and got into bed, five minutes later ....... BANG! Everyone checking and eventually i find Glass smashed front of the house. We got em on cctv this time but faces blurry. It is people from london.

    Anyone else face this kind of intimidation and persecution?


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