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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)


    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

  2. #121
    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Report bad ads?

    Guess what happened last night.. yep. Again.

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    taha_'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakutuhu.

    what happened, my brother?
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Please don't rep me or like my posts


    I beg Allah peace for us and for you.

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    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakutuhu.

    what happened, my brother?
    LOL!!! You are serious?? I erm..suggest you start reading this drama/horror novel from page 1 of the book and then come back to the last page. Page 7. Then see if you want to keep that same question or modify it.
    | Likes RisingLight liked this post

  6. #124
    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakutuhu.

    what happened, my brother?
    broken windows, 3rd time in 6 weeks

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  8. #125
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    assalam o alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakuthu.

    My brother, just put your trust in Allah. Ask Him to protect you from oppressors and make things easy for you and your family. The duas of one who is oppressed is always answered.

    JazakAllah khair
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Please don't rep me or like my posts


    I beg Allah peace for us and for you.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    assalam o alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakuthu.

    My brother, just put your trust in Allah. Ask Him to protect you from oppressors and make things easy for you and your family. The duas of one who is oppressed is always answered.

    JazakAllah khair
    Walaikum salaam, we have been oppressed for a while now. Been praying for a while. Waiting for justice insh Allah

  10. #127
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    - prostrating to Allah and crying - "Thank you Allah! Thank you Allah! Thank you Allah! I thank you Allah that you have decreed for me to not get married! I thank you Allah for making me single! Thank you Allah that I do not have children! I don't deserve your mercy! Allah Akbar!"

    New young men who want to get married, read this post first then ponder the risks after all that if you still want to get married, do it.
    bro,i literally havent seen a bad marriage expect from paki/desi communities or rarely some arabs......why from these?,because these communities marry smn ''from home'' or have arranged marriages.....this is the problem,people dont follow the proper way to get married and then keep complaining,marriage is not the problem,women are not the problem (mostly )....but really if you prepare some really good questions,sit down with the girl face to face and observe her behaviours etc,after a few weeks/months you will discover a good person who will match with you in shaa Allah,and marriage would be so happy...
    but if you marry for the sake of desires,culture,reputation,tradition,arranged marriage with rishta aunty bla bla,then ofc it will have problem,im not sorry for these people

    i hope you marry an amazing pious girl
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  11. #128
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu.


    Marriage is sunnah. Prophet peace be upon him warned about staying away from his sunnah. I am not saying that marriage is obligatory.


    Narrated Anas bin Malik:

    A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) asking how the Prophet (ﷺ) worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet (ﷺ) as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers).

    حَدَّثَنَا سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي مَرْيَمَ، أَخْبَرَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا حُمَيْدُ بْنُ أَبِي حُمَيْدٍ الطَّوِيلُ، أَنَّهُ سَمِعَ أَنَسَ بْنَ مَالِكٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ يَقُولُ جَاءَ ثَلاَثَةُ رَهْطٍ إِلَى بُيُوتِ أَزْوَاجِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَسْأَلُونَ عَنْ عِبَادَةِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَلَمَّا أُخْبِرُوا كَأَنَّهُمْ تَقَالُّوهَا فَقَالُوا وَأَيْنَ نَحْنُ مِنَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَدْ غُفِرَ لَهُ مَا تَقَدَّمَ مِنْ ذَنْبِهِ وَمَا تَأَخَّرَ‏.‏ قَالَ أَحَدُهُمْ أَمَّا أَنَا فَإِنِّي أُصَلِّي اللَّيْلَ أَبَدًا‏.‏ وَقَالَ آخَرُ أَنَا أَصُومُ الدَّهْرَ وَلاَ أُفْطِرُ‏.‏ وَقَالَ آخَرُ أَنَا أَعْتَزِلُ النِّسَاءَ فَلاَ أَتَزَوَّجُ أَبَدًا‏.‏ فَجَاءَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ ‏ "‏ أَنْتُمُ الَّذِينَ قُلْتُمْ كَذَا وَكَذَا أَمَا وَاللَّهِ إِنِّي لأَخْشَاكُمْ لِلَّهِ وَأَتْقَاكُمْ لَهُ، لَكِنِّي أَصُومُ وَأُفْطِرُ، وَأُصَلِّي وَأَرْقُدُ وَأَتَزَوَّجُ النِّسَاءَ، فَمَنْ رَغِبَ عَنْ سُنَّتِي فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي ‏"‏‏.‏
    Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5063
    In-book reference : Book 67, Hadith 1
    USC-MSA web (English) reference : Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 1
    (deprecated numbering scheme)

    There are good women and bad women. Allah gives to whoever He wills. So no good marriage happens except by His will and no bad marriage happens except by His will.

    Staying celibate just for worshipping Allah is wrong. Though celibacy is permissible for some reasons.. like having no sexual desire. Then its permissible to be celibate and marriage is sunnah, but if one has problems with his sexual desire. Marriage may be obligatory, Allah knows best .

    Even in Paradise no single people will be there.

    How to find a pious wife? Simple put your trust in Allah, and then have some sabr.

    Correct me if I am wrong

    JazakAllah khair
    Last edited by taha_; 12-11-2019 at 06:28 AM.
    | Likes 'aznil liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Please don't rep me or like my posts


    I beg Allah peace for us and for you.

  12. #129
    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu.


    Marriage is sunnah. Prophet peace be upon him warned about staying away from his sunnah. I am not saying that marriage is obligatory.


    Narrated Anas bin Malik:

    A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet (ﷺ) asking how the Prophet (ﷺ) worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet (ﷺ) as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers).

    حَدَّثَنَا سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي مَرْيَمَ، أَخْبَرَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا حُمَيْدُ بْنُ أَبِي حُمَيْدٍ الطَّوِيلُ، أَنَّهُ سَمِعَ أَنَسَ بْنَ مَالِكٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ يَقُولُ جَاءَ ثَلاَثَةُ رَهْطٍ إِلَى بُيُوتِ أَزْوَاجِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَسْأَلُونَ عَنْ عِبَادَةِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَلَمَّا أُخْبِرُوا كَأَنَّهُمْ تَقَالُّوهَا فَقَالُوا وَأَيْنَ نَحْنُ مِنَ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَدْ غُفِرَ لَهُ مَا تَقَدَّمَ مِنْ ذَنْبِهِ وَمَا تَأَخَّرَ‏.‏ قَالَ أَحَدُهُمْ أَمَّا أَنَا فَإِنِّي أُصَلِّي اللَّيْلَ أَبَدًا‏.‏ وَقَالَ آخَرُ أَنَا أَصُومُ الدَّهْرَ وَلاَ أُفْطِرُ‏.‏ وَقَالَ آخَرُ أَنَا أَعْتَزِلُ النِّسَاءَ فَلاَ أَتَزَوَّجُ أَبَدًا‏.‏ فَجَاءَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ ‏ "‏ أَنْتُمُ الَّذِينَ قُلْتُمْ كَذَا وَكَذَا أَمَا وَاللَّهِ إِنِّي لأَخْشَاكُمْ لِلَّهِ وَأَتْقَاكُمْ لَهُ، لَكِنِّي أَصُومُ وَأُفْطِرُ، وَأُصَلِّي وَأَرْقُدُ وَأَتَزَوَّجُ النِّسَاءَ، فَمَنْ رَغِبَ عَنْ سُنَّتِي فَلَيْسَ مِنِّي ‏"‏‏.‏
    Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 5063
    In-book reference : Book 67, Hadith 1
    USC-MSA web (English) reference : Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 1
    (deprecated numbering scheme)

    There are good women and bad women. Allah gives to whoever He wills. So no good marriage happens except by His will and no bad marriage happens except by His will.

    Staying celibate just for worshipping Allah is wrong. Though celibacy is permissible for some reasons.. like having no sexual desire. Then its permissible to be celibate and marriage is sunnah, but if one has problems with his sexual desire. Marriage may be obligatory, Allah knows best .

    Even in Paradise no single people will be there.

    How to find a pious wife? Simple put your trust in Allah, and then have some sabr.

    Correct me if I am wrong

    JazakAllah khair

    This post is not about me, it is about Imraan and his calamity! If you have any advise to help him, please....bring it on the table! I feel bad for the man All he wanted was be a husband and a father. Amazing how such request is so hard! Hey...I just want to be a dad and a husband...why am I not having access to my daughter and why I am been terrorized and why is my mother targeted too? You know when Allah said in Qura'an in how to divorce your partner and how to leave each other...he did not just mean women only to be separated with kindness. He means men too. Men too when he divorces his wife need to have kindness when it comes separation. Otherwise this will bring negative stereotypes at either gender, will make marriage a very toxic act to do, will bring new generation of youth who do not want to get married, will open the gate of Zina, family breakup, single moms and then as it trickles down the very destruction of the very society we live in. I mean...if society DOES NOT care that when a marriage is broken up...people end up bringing the government military to destroy the opposing enemy whether it be the ex-husband or ex-wife...if this...does not bring anger in the Muslim community..then we better not open our mouth as we see our very society fall apart. We better not open our mouth when fornication be widespread, prostitution will become the norm and single mothers will be the new definition of what a family is. You cannot have it both ways. I think not only us as the community have failed...I think the big scholars and shiekhs have also failed. This need to be taught to the new generation and fast...if should a disagreement happens between the spouse and separation is a must...leave with he ihsaaan. Leave with kindness. Leave with civility. Give each their right of separation and move on as if we are strangers. If there are children around..no parent who have authority over that child should be using that child as a weapon against the opposing parent. Teach the new generation that it is ok if a divorce happens and if a woman get divorced her reputation should not be put on the mud..it may mean the man himself is not up to the bar and be responsible to handle her demands, it could be she is stronger than him and need a man that can fulfill her needs and this man is not the one for it, it could be there are incompatibility between each other...even if she had 30 divorces on her resume does not maker her an invalid wife. That is one of the jaahilya that we have in Muslim community that need to be destroyed. If a man get married and the family of that wife starts interfering in the marriage he have the full right to stop the family of his wife to come to his house in order to save the marriage. One need to understand the rights of the spouses and the responsibilities of each spouse before marriage should come in.

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  14. #130
    taha_'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    LOL!!! You are serious?? I erm..suggest you start reading this drama/horror novel from page 1 of the book and then come back to the last page. Page 7. Then see if you want to keep that same question or modify it.
    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakuthu brother,

    Keep in mind i am only 17 years old and not fully mature. Sometime I act ignorantly. No one is perfect, only Allah is Perfect Being. But if you want to criticize me anytime you like, you can also hate me, but I will never return that back, and I do not like to criticize anyone. I would only say this back "May Allah have mercy on you, and guide you to His straight path"


    May Allah have mercy on you, and guide you to His straight path. Ameen
    Last edited by taha_; 12-11-2019 at 09:28 AM.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Please don't rep me or like my posts


    I beg Allah peace for us and for you.

  15. #131
    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakuthu brother,

    Keep in mind i am only 17 years old and not fully mature. Sometime I act ignorantly. No one is perfect, only Allah is Perfect Being. But if you want to criticize me anytime you like, you can also hate me, but I will never return that back, and I do not like to criticize anyone. I would only say this back "May Allah have mercy on you, and guide you to His straight path"


    May Allah have mercy on you, and guide you to His straight path. Ameen
    Always finding excuses for one's weaknesses stems from ego brother, it's better to just 'take it on the chin' and admit weaknesses

  16. #132
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu brother

    All right then I apologise for this. My mistakes.

    Sorry, Xboxisdead.

    JazakAllah khair
    Last edited by taha_; 12-11-2019 at 03:57 PM.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Please don't rep me or like my posts


    I beg Allah peace for us and for you.

  17. #133
    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by RisingLight View Post
    bro,i literally havent seen a bad marriage expect from paki/desi communities or rarely some arabs......why from these?,because these communities marry smn ''from home'' or have arranged marriages.....this is the problem,people dont follow the proper way to get married and then keep complaining,marriage is not the problem,women are not the problem (mostly )....but really if you prepare some really good questions,sit down with the girl face to face and observe her behaviours etc,after a few weeks/months you will discover a good person who will match with you in shaa Allah,and marriage would be so happy...
    but if you marry for the sake of desires,culture,reputation,tradition,arranged marriage with rishta aunty bla bla,then ofc it will have problem,im not sorry for these people

    i hope you marry an amazing pious girl
    Arranged marraige is the Islamic way brother, it's the UnIslamic attitude of spouses that lead to break-ups, you're supposed to be patient with anything you dislike in your spouse and not allow it to be a cause for divorce

  18. #134
    HabibUrrehman's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    Arranged marraige is the Islamic way brother
    That's new to me, where did this come from? I hope by an arranged marriage you mean a marriage in which parents will take a leading role in choosing a marriage partner for their son or daughter. The children still have the final decision? If that's not the case, then it has no basis in Islam.
    Last edited by HabibUrrehman; 12-11-2019 at 05:30 PM.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by HabibUrrehman View Post
    That's new to me, where did this come from? I hope by an arranged marriage you mean a marriage in which parents will take a leading role in choosing a marriage partner for their son or daughter. The children still have the final decision? If that's not the case, then it has no basis in Islam.
    Ofcourse the children have the final say but this final say isn't based on multiple chat meetings with their potential spouse..... The bride and groom do get to see one another in the present of a 3rd person, some conversation may be held but that's exactly what happens in all or most arranged marraige, but as that isn't anywhere near enough to 'get to know' one another good and proper, they both largely put their trust in their parents choice

    There is one famous story from the past where a wali Allah had an arranged marraige.... He didn't even get to see his bride-to be and when he saw her after the marraige, he saw she was a black African woman (and maybe not a pretty face either) and he exclaimed 'oh Allah! Is this is what you kept for me in my destiny!', and his bride said, 'I see we're both going to janna' , he said 'how', she replied, 'we both continue to do our worship..... And you be patient with me', he replied 'good idea!'

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    Of course the children have the final say but this final say isn't based on multiple chat meetings with their potential spouse..... The bride and groom do get to see one another in the present of a 3rd person, some conversation may be held but that's exactly what happens in all or most arranged marraige, but as that isn't anywhere near enough to 'get to know' one another good and proper, they both largely put their trust in their parents choice


    Okay, I thought you meant a typical forced marriage where boy or girl's consent is not even considered. I agree that boy and girl shall not meet without the presence of third person.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    There is one famous story from the past where a wali Allah had an arranged marraige.... He didn't even get to see his bride-to be and when he saw her after the marraige, he saw she was a black African woman (and maybe not a pretty face either) and he exclaimed 'oh Allah! Is this is what you kept for me in my destiny!', and his bride said, 'I see we're both going to janna' , he said 'how', she replied, 'we both continue to do our worship..... And you be patient with me', he replied 'good idea!'
    Not an Islamic way I would think, Islam encourages you to see your future wife or husband.
    By the way mine was then an arranged marriage. I met my wife only few hours before the Nikkah in the presence of her parents. I had put my trust in Allah and asked Him to bless me with a pious wife. It has been 12 years now and I could not ask for a better wife, Alhamdulillah.
    Allah hu Akbar Kabira, Walhamdulillah he Kaseera, Subhanallah he Bukrataon Waseela

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    Arranged marraige is the Islamic way brother, it's the UnIslamic attitude of spouses that lead to break-ups, you're supposed to be patient with anything you dislike in your spouse and not allow it to be a cause for divorce
    i dont think it is islamic way...to me its like a gamble...islam makes sense,this makes no sense (no offense to the couples who got arranged married)...your parents choosing a spouse for you?...how do they know that you will fit with him/her?...they are not you,they dont think like you,your personality and hers may not match at all....why would you risk ending up with someone you have to be patient all the time with,when you can try to find one that you would love to be in her presence?..

    *you're supposed to be patient with anything you dislike in your spouse*?...exactly why you should meet and make the right questions,so you can know if you can be patient with her or not,you might discover that she is unbareable,imagine if you let your parents choose and they chose her for you

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    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Uuuh....guys...what about the OP? - blinks -
    | Likes HabibUrrehman liked this post

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    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    Uuuh....guys...what about the OP? - blinks -
    Remember me and my family in your prayers all of you, seriously please, I dont want another person going through what I did and I want all this to stop at least, getting justice would be better, these people that we are dealing with think they can do all that and get away with it, they deserve to be given an excessive portion of punishment and I want it to come from Al Hakam, Al Adl.... for his wrath is most powerful.

    Insh Allah

    Ameen

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Your a good man brother, and inshallah Allah will give you justice and save you. Just keep holding on and Allah will give you only the best. May allah bless you with best brother. We love you for the sake of Allah
    | Likes Imraan, xboxisdead, Abu-Abdullah liked this post


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