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My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)


    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

  2. #141
    Ahmed.'s Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

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    format_quote Originally Posted by RisingLight View Post
    i dont think it is islamic way...to me its like a gamble...islam makes sense,this makes no sense (no offense to the couples who got arranged married)...your parents choosing a spouse for you?...how do they know that you will fit with him/her?...they are not you,they dont think like you,your personality and hers may not match at all....why would you risk ending up with someone you have to be patient all the time with,when you can try to find one that you would love to be in her presence?..

    *you're supposed to be patient with anything you dislike in your spouse*?...exactly why you should meet and make the right questions,so you can know if you can be patient with her or not,you might discover that she is unbareable,imagine if you let your parents choose and they chose her for you
    The parents will obviously choose a spouse from the same culture, similar background, etc etc, i.e, they'd choose someone who's compatiable. Allah Himself says in quran, that if you dont like something in your spouse, to be patient and there will be other things you do like, so this guidance is from Allah

    non-arranged marriages leads to sex outside of marriage so this is why we do it the safe way... and its not totally that you dont get to talk to your potential spouse; read my reply to Habib above

    in the west, non-muslims are living together for many years and then they get married, so they basically can't fail on the 'compatiability' aspect can they?, but yet they have the highest divorce rates, so there's proof that it doesnt work and infact most arranged marriages lasts a lifetime so it is proven to work.

    also the 'meaning of life' plays a part why arranged marriage is the right way. unlike kuffar who believe this life is the be all and end all, Muslims believe its just a test for a short while and the real life starts after death, thus one doesnt need to find the perfect soul mate, just a good muslim is enough... we can have 'soul mates' in Jannah!
    Last edited by Ahmed.; 12-13-2019 at 08:04 PM.
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  4. #142
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    The parents will obviously choose a spouse from the same culture, similar background, etc etc, i.e, they'd choose someone who's compatiable. Allah Himself says in quran, that if you dont like something in your spouse, to be patient and there will be other things you do like, so this guidance is from Allah

    non-arranged marriages leads to sex outside of marriage so this is why we do it the safe way... and its not totally that you dont get to talk to your potential spouse; read my reply to Habib above

    in the west, non-muslims are living together for many years and then they get married, so they basically can't fail on the 'compatiability' aspect can they?, but yet they have the highest divorce rates, so there's proof that it doesnt work and infact most arranged marriages lasts a lifetime so it is proven to work.

    also the 'meaning of life' plays a part why arranged marriage is the right way. unlike kuffar who believe this life is the be all and end all, Muslims believe its just a test for a short while and the real life starts after death, thus one doesnt need to find the perfect soul mate, just a good muslim is enough... we can have 'soul mates' in Jannah!
    i read your reply to habib and thats what i am saying,meeting each other in the presence of a 3rd person,and if the parents suggest one and you meet them and have the final say then thats fine....thats not what i mean with arranged marriages,because i think arranged marriages are marriages where you dont have a say,that others choose and agree who and when to marry..and as far as i know this is agaisnt teachings of islam too?....you said that they largely put their trust in their parents choice because these meetings arent enough to get to know each other....how would your parents know her better than you then? this is what i dont understand....or you mean that after meeting they put their trust in their parents choice?...i agree with that then but thats not called arranged : D
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Remember me and my family in your prayers all of you, seriously please, I dont want another person going through what I did and I want all this to stop at least, getting justice would be better, these people that we are dealing with think they can do all that and get away with it, they deserve to be given an excessive portion of punishment and I want it to come from Al Hakam, Al Adl.... for his wrath is most powerful.

    Insh Allah

    Ameen
    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakuthu.

    May Allah help you and your family and protect you from oppressors. I hope that you and your family will be OK.

    How is it going on today?
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o Alaikum rahamutullahi wa barakuthu.

    May Allah help you and your family and protect you from oppressors. I hope that you and your family will be OK.

    How is it going on today?
    Walaikum salaam.

    Our prayers and worship for justice and protection continue. We are trying to get help from police but it's really slow in the UK.

    Everyday it's a worry .. when will they come next? What is next on the ex partners agenda? They've perverted course of justice, spread lies about me and my family, burned our car and damaged our house, hopefully they are caught insh Allah.

    This person and her family are trying to systematically destroy my family from many angles be it financial, honour, reputation and physically. Bad people out there that continue to do bad, they dont even face consequences most of the time, this allows them to do more... these people will exist for a long time.. as long as they exist they pose a long term threat to the safety of my family and our property.

    Hope Allah swt takes care of all of our affairs soon insh Allah.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by RisingLight View Post
    i read your reply to habib and thats what i am saying,meeting each other in the presence of a 3rd person,and if the parents suggest one and you meet them and have the final say then thats fine....thats not what i mean with arranged marriages,because i think arranged marriages are marriages where you dont have a say,that others choose and agree who and when to marry..and as far as i know this is agaisnt teachings of islam too?....you said that they largely put their trust in their parents choice because these meetings arent enough to get to know each other....how would your parents know her better than you then? this is what i dont understand....or you mean that after meeting they put their trust in their parents choice?...i agree with that then but thats not called arranged : D
    Not having a say has nothing to do with arranged marraiges as the couple getting married have the final say. So your error really has been just jumping to conclusions about what an Islamic arranged marraige is rather than finding out about it first

    Parents choose from a compatible family and they will look into matters like whether the girl is practicing etc and they'll ask people who know the girl of her character, they can talk to her as much as they like, asking her questions etc and if everything is to their liking they'll pass on that info. To their son, he then can get a meeting with her arranged (with third person present), 1, 2 or more meetings until he's satisfied she's the one he wants. This is basically how an arranged marraige is done

    That's not called 'arranged'?, hmmm maybe you should start off a new dictionary then with your own definitions of Islamic terminology
    Last edited by Ahmed.; 12-17-2019 at 12:38 PM.
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  9. #146
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Walaikum salaam.

    Our prayers and worship for justice and protection continue. We are trying to get help from police but it's really slow in the UK.

    Everyday it's a worry .. when will they come next? What is next on the ex partners agenda? They've perverted course of justice, spread lies about me and my family, burned our car and damaged our house, hopefully they are caught insh Allah.

    This person and her family are trying to systematically destroy my family from many angles be it financial, honour, reputation and physically. Bad people out there that continue to do bad, they dont even face consequences most of the time, this allows them to do more... these people will exist for a long time.. as long as they exist they pose a long term threat to the safety of my family and our property.

    Hope Allah swt takes care of all of our affairs soon insh Allah.
    Assalam o alaikum rahamutullahi wa barkauthu.

    Brother, do not lose your hope in Allah. He is Al-Adl, the Most Just. He will deal with your oppressors in sha Allah, don't say that people are testing you. Allah is testing you, that perhaps you will be better Muslim in this world and Hereafter in sha Allah.. be patient and keep your trust in Allah. May Allah grant you n ur family strength against your oppressors. May He forgive you and your family.

    JazakAllah khair
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  10. #147
    RisingLight's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    Not having a say has nothing to do with arranged marraiges as the couple getting married have the final say. So your error really has been just jumping to conclusions about what an Islamic arranged marraige is rather than finding out about it first

    Parents choose from a compatible family and they will look into matters like whether the girl is practicing etc and they'll ask people who know the girl of her character, they can talk to her as much as they like, asking her questions etc and if everything is to their liking they'll pass on that info. To their son, he then can get a meeting with her arranged (with third person present), 1, 2 or more meetings until he's satisfied she's the one he wants. This is basically how an arranged marraige is done

    That's not called 'arranged'?, hmmm maybe you should start of a new dictionary then with your own definitions of Islamic terminology
    I would start that dictionairy but we have a lot of people with low intelligence in the ummah who dont know what orthodox christianity and arranged marriages are....if they are capable of understanding those one day maybe we can talk in higher levels,though i doubt it....anyway thanks for the advice,please dont give another if i dont ask for it
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  11. #148
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by RisingLight View Post
    I would start that dictionairy but we have a lot of people with low intelligence in the ummah who dont know what orthodox christianity and arranged marriages are....if they are capable of understanding those one day maybe we can talk in higher levels,though i doubt it....anyway thanks for the advice,please dont give another if i dont ask for it
    Hey its not me you want to blame, go blame the Oxford English dictionary mate!
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  12. #149
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Ahmed. View Post
    Not having a say has nothing to do with arranged marraiges as the couple getting married have the final say. So your error really has been just jumping to conclusions about what an Islamic arranged marraige is rather than finding out about it first

    Parents choose from a compatible family and they will look into matters like whether the girl is practicing etc and they'll ask people who know the girl of her character, they can talk to her as much as they like, asking her questions etc and if everything is to their liking they'll pass on that info. To their son, he then can get a meeting with her arranged (with third person present), 1, 2 or more meetings until he's satisfied she's the one he wants. This is basically how an arranged marraige is done

    That's not called 'arranged'?, hmmm maybe you should start off a new dictionary then with your own definitions of Islamic terminology
    Let me just clarify my apperant contradiction here where I said earlier that trust is put on parents choice rather then couple meeting 'multiple times'

    Traditionally (and still in Muslim countries) the meeting between the couple is done once.....

    And the multiple meetings can or is done in the West as Muslims are more accustomed to the western culture here
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu brothrr imran.

    Hopefully you and ur family are okay now in sha Allah. Hows the situation? It's been weeks since then.

    JazakAllah khair
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu brothrr imran.

    Hopefully you and ur family are okay now in sha Allah. Hows the situation? It's been weeks since then.

    JazakAllah khair
    Walaikum salaam brother, thanks for remembering. Alhamdulillah we've been ok for the past three weeks, no malicious damage that we know of, who knows what's round the corner ...

    Keep praying for us (message to all brothers and sisters as well), may Allah swt make it easy for us and compensate us for our losses insh Allah.
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  16. #152
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Walaikum salaam brother, thanks for remembering. Alhamdulillah we've been ok for the past three weeks, no malicious damage that we know of, who knows what's round the corner ...

    Keep praying for us (message to all brothers and sisters as well), may Allah swt make it easy for us and compensate us for our losses insh Allah.
    I can't believe you married this thing. She sounds like a pure villian from a Walt Disney movie. honestly she sounds like she knew what she was doing and plotted this in a way where she would be the one sitting pretty at the end of all of this. She was a very good player and I hope you have become wiser from this experience.

    I hope you come out stronger and your iman strengthens insha'Allah.
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  17. #153
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Flawed View Post
    I can't believe you married this thing. She sounds like a pure villian from a Walt Disney movie. honestly she sounds like she knew what she was doing and plotted this in a way where she would be the one sitting pretty at the end of all of this. She was a very good player and I hope you have become wiser from this experience.

    I hope you come out stronger and your iman strengthens insha'Allah.
    Believe me sister, been praying for a long time, past few years have been difficult. Please remember us in your prayers. Waiting for divine justice in this world insh Allah....
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  18. #154
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    in sha Allah.Allah bless all of us.
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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    27y9utc 1 - My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Believe me sister, been praying for a long time, past few years have been difficult. Please remember us in your prayers. Waiting for divine justice in this world insh Allah....
    Brother I think you need to just do your part as a Muslim and know that Allah SWT has your back and your results are with Allah. And when those big bad wolves try to shake you again they won't be able to because now your focus has shifted from them.harming you to Allah has your back and you have moved on from them as they are no longer a part of your path to your destined path to Jannah. insha'Allah.
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  21. #156
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Allah breaks us tu build us;
    Deprives us, to give us.
    The pain in our heart was created to make us yearn less for this life, and to yearn more for Jannah.
    I am sure that you have already seen that how Allah has brought you closer to Him by depriving you from things which were not going to benefit you.
    Know that Allah knows everything and that should be enough for a believer to put his/her trust in Allah.
    Trust me Allah's plan is far better and perfect than we can think. Leave your matters in the hands of Allah Subhanhu Wa Taala and Allah will be enough to take care of your needs in both worlds. In Sha Allah.

    I am sure you already know all these things. But sometimes, it helps just to remind each other.
    May Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala make it easy for you and bless you and your family with great reward for going through these hardships. Ameen!
    Ma'aSalaam
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  22. #157
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu brother

    Any update regarding your incident? May Allah heal you, grant you justice and strength and help you

    JazakAllah khair
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by taha_ View Post
    Assalam o alaikum rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu brother

    Any update regarding your incident? May Allah heal you, grant you justice and strength and help you

    JazakAllah khair
    Walaikum Salaam Brother Taha, Jazak Allah for remembering your brother and for everyone's prayers.

    The windows (after the 3rd breaking in December) still haven't been repaired yet. I was reluctant to repair it in case they came and broke it again. its costing me a bit repairing windows, they even broke my window frame. I can;t go through insurance, its going to be a tough claim considering the circumstances.
    My relatives have had words with them regarding criminal damage, they still deny it. However so far, Alhamdulillah they haven't come back yet. I know if they come back again this time it will get messier, even for them.
    Police have got no where with it, i doubt they ever will as all their evidence is circumstantial.

    I see my daughter every two weeks, its hit n miss, sometimes she doesn't leave mothers presence at all, mother refuses to be in same room as me so that means although i make my way down to london, i don't always get to see her. I still have to pay the fees.
    I am taking the mother back to court to get the order changed so someone is charged with staying with my daughter while im there, that someone has to be a person who she's comfortable with, may Allah swt make it easy for us insh Allah.

    This ride is gruesome.

    The mothers family are saying they want to sit down with us and our murobbi's to finish the islamic wedding off in a 'bengali' way (i.e. the imam who the mother confessed her negligence to can't be there apparently) so we're standing our ground on this one saying we want it finished in one day in a sharia way with the original imaam who wed us and the same imaam who we went for counselling.....

    and

    to top it off it can only take place in their house (smell a trap or ambush?)

    i don't like staying in this state, these circumstances (from all detrimental angles) has become the 'bane of my life', not a day goes by that I dont think about it.

    I feel like just going Saudi Arabia and praying non stop in masjid al haraam in front of kaaaba, doing ibadah, reading quran and zikhr, praying nafl prayers, hoping i'll find more solace thinking ive got a better chance for my prayers for justice and ease being answered there as opposed to here. Allah swt knows, sees and hears everything everywhere, because i've been praying for a long time, i can't even remember the day i started praying for certain prayers i would have thought some justice would have surfaced by now.... insha Allah it will.

    Some days I feel like i'm at my end of the tether although recently due to no window breaking incidents lately it has calmed down a bit.

    The trauma of this whole journey will stick with me for the rest of my life.

    I yearn for the day of justice in this dunya, will i go back to a life full of contentment (even if it means a short period time).... only Allah swt knows....

    I'm constantly worrying what other calamities await me around the corner..... it's not just this marriage, other stuff pops up here and there too. Just managing them sometimes becomes too much too bear.
    Last edited by Imraan; 02-17-2020 at 07:21 PM.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Walaikum Salaam Brother Taha, Jazak Allah for remembering your brother and for everyone's prayers.

    The windows (after the 3rd breaking in December) still haven't been repaired yet. I was reluctant to repair it in case they came and broke it again. its costing me a bit repairing windows, they even broke my window frame. I can;t go through insurance, its going to be a tough claim considering the circumstances.
    My relatives have had words with them regarding criminal damage, they still deny it. However so far, Alhamdulillah they haven't come back yet. I know if they come back again this time it will get messier, even for them.
    Police have got no where with it, i doubt they ever will as all their evidence is circumstantial.

    I see my daughter every two weeks, its hit n miss, sometimes she doesn't leave mothers presence at all, mother refuses to be in same room as me so that means although i make my way down to london, i don't always get to see her. I still have to pay the fees.
    I am taking the mother back to court to get the order changed so someone is charged with staying with my daughter while im there, that someone has to be a person who she's comfortable with, may Allah swt make it easy for us insh Allah.

    This ride is gruesome.

    The mothers family are saying they want to sit down with us and our murobbi's to finish the islamic wedding off in a 'bengali' way (i.e. the imam who the mother confessed her negligence to can't be there apparently) so we're standing our ground on this one saying we want it finished in one day in a sharia way with the original imaam who wed us and the same imaam who we went for counselling.....

    and

    to top it off it can only take place in their house (smell a trap or ambush?)

    i don't like staying in this state, these circumstances (from all detrimental angles) has become the 'bane of my life', not a day goes by that I dont think about it.

    I feel like just going Saudi Arabia and praying non stop in masjid al haraam in front of kaaaba, doing ibadah, reading quran and zikhr, praying nafl prayers, hoping i'll find more solace thinking ive got a better chance for my prayers for justice and ease being answered there as opposed to here. Allah swt knows, sees and hears everything everywhere, because i've been praying for a long time, i can't even remember the day i started praying for certain prayers i would have thought some justice would have surfaced by now.... insha Allah it will.

    Some days I feel like i'm at my end of the tether although recently due to no window breaking incidents lately it has calmed down a bit.

    The trauma of this whole journey will stick with me for the rest of my life.

    I yearn for the day of justice in this dunya, will i go back to a life full of contentment (even if it means a short period time).... only Allah swt knows....

    I'm constantly worrying what other calamities await me around the corner..... it's not just this marriage, other stuff pops up here and there too. Just managing them sometimes becomes too much too bear.
    This part is the part I do not understand. Why do you yearn for justice to be in dunya? Wouldn't you prefer the justice to be postpone for akhira (afterlife)? What if the justice have indeed been brought to you in this life and you get justice in additional to that you have full custody of your daughter and you have the power and she have to pay YOU child support? Let us say...you come victorious and all of this have happened. There. You got your justice in dunya. Your daughter loves, your her daddies little girl and everyone is happy ever after. Now when you die and you are resurrected and hellfire is in front of you and you have not much deed to enter paradise and you need every excuse on your baggage to get deeds from other people to save your skin...you go in the afterlife.."AH!" that is right! Those family tortured me so you say to Allah that those families have done this and that to me...but....wait...you already got your justice. You got it in Dunaya, remember? You have won them and they last and your daughter is yours and she was your daddy little girl, remember? Now what?

    Wouldn't you prefer instead of having it here and having your daughter and having her be your daddies little girl instead of that you have her your worse enemy, the family cut ties between you and the daughter (because of the mother) and she goes to Operah who endorse male bashing will use you for political reasons to show to the world that men are indeed unfit parents that they are mature little children and that women should be the one who have full custody and raising the children and she bashes you in TV and your daughter hates you and you lose your rights you are oppressed 100% here in this world, no one cares for you (because you are a man and a father) and the daughter want nothing to do with you? I know it sounds perverted but look at it from this perspective:

    A) Cutting ties between parent and child is hara'am. The mother and her family is doing the job not you. Now you have huge power over them in day of judgement. People under estimate the horror and the curse and the punishment they will be getting for the cause of cutting ties between one Muslim to another (let alone between child and parent). Mostly, women are the biggest culprit in this regard.

    B) Child hating parent and not wanting to do anything with the parent is hara'am in Islam. Your daughter will be poisoned and she will hate you and want nothing to do with you. Now you have more power in your bag in day of judgement. You are getting higher and higher and higher and higher and higher level in Jannah. Why do you want to throw all that away for Dunaya? (IS there any guarantee that your daughter will even do prayer to you when you die?)

    C) You go under the category of oppressed. Any single person who is oppressed the curtain (not physical one mind you) between the person who is doing dua and to Allah (Subhanu Wa Talaa) is lifted. Anyone! ANYONE! Because Allah hates...HATES OPPRESSION. Look at the GREATEST GIFT you have now. You have Dua that the curtain is lifted...it is immediately answered. Take this opportunity and make Dua that Allah make you die Muslim, that he enters you paradise, that you pass the trail of death, that the shaitan (as you are about to die) cannot have his hands on you, that when the angels ask you in the grave you answer them correctly and easily. Make Dua for the akhira. Make dua that Allah helps the suffering Muslims in the world. Stop focusing on Dunaya and getting Dunaya justice.
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  26. #160
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalamu Alykum w. w.

    First of all, I am sorry for everything that's happened. Just be patient with your spouse and increase in your prayer.

    Marriage is WORK.

    Secondly, I can relate to you on two fronts. I got married roughly a year ago, and I am from London while my husband is from Manchester. Also, we sort of met online but we were in a long-distance relationship for a long time.

    I know your going through a hard time. Our young immature minds tend to think that marriage would solve everything, it will end all our trials and we would find peace but remember that Allah says that this life is a test and currently you are being tested through your marriage.

    Also, I know it's difficult after all that you've been through but you have to focus on your wife's good qualities. You have to put EVERYTHING (the in-laws etc) aside and think about why you married her in the first place. I am sure there must be something good you saw in her.

    I would also advice that you go to London and visit her regularly. Stay with her, help her out and show her kindness. The in-laws will also see that you're a good person for doing that. Tell her that you miss her. Try and show her that you care and that you want this marriage to work. After all that, you have to express how you feel. You have to say that you feel disrespected. You have to talk things out (in a nice way, don't raise your voice). You have to put your ego aside. Maybe not for each other's sake but for the sake of your daughter.

    There's no relationship, no marriage out there that's perfect. I have had many arguments with my husband, even though we're both passive but we've argued and expressed many times that we want to end the marriage because it's not working out. I storm off to my parents in London. But the underlying feeling remains, he's a good person and I know that I will never find anyone like him. I married my husband on the basis of his character and because we were in a long distance relationship (which isn't good) I tested his character many times. You see you have to look at the positive and work with that.

    It's hard (easier said then done) but try to be the bigger person, and instead of focusing on your rights, focus on her rights. That's the best advice I can give you.

    Insh'Allah May Allah Make it Easier for you. Ameen
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