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My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)


    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

  2. #261
    Scimitar's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

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    format_quote Originally Posted by bint e aisha View Post
    Is that a requirement to post in this thread?
    wow, you’re a touchy one, just like the other member who quote posted me above.

    you’re free to post as you like. I just asked a very simple question and it obviously, got your back twisted.

    but don’t mind me. I’m just here to throw questions out here... I’m not trying to give advice to a one sided story, if you know what I mean... gah, you probably don’t.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

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  4. #262
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    wow, you’re a touchy one, just like the other member who quote posted me above.

    you’re free to post as you like. I just asked a very simple question and it obviously, got your back twisted.

    but don’t mind me. I’m just here to throw questions out here... I’m not trying to give advice to a one sided story, if you know what I mean... gah, you probably don’t.
    I dont think they were touchy or offended, they were just a little confused by the comment

    But using your logic, in this case even married people wouldn't be the best to comment on here as kiev said

    It would have to be divorced people who are still suffering from the effects
    Last edited by Islami.Mu'mina; 11-30-2020 at 10:09 PM.
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  5. #263
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Sister, did you know that mentally and psychologically and even spiritually I will be happy, if Allah was to decree that it is halaal for the ex-wife of Imraan to do this to him. I would sleep at night with a smile on my face; even Imraan would too. Because it is coming from Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) and not from human being (it is that simple, really). But Allah (Subhanu Wa Taqlaa) DID NOT decree it as halaal, he decreed it as haraam a sin
    What she did was against Allah's law and order but in the end this was all part of Imraans decree.. With hardship comes ease..

    The best thing we can do is pray for him and give him any resources he can take because it seems like his wife and her family do not care about shariah.

    Tie your camels and put your trust in Allah
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  6. #264
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Islami.Mu'mina View Post
    I dont think they were touchy or offended, they were just a little confused by the comment

    But using your logic, in this case even married people wouldn't be the best to comment on here as kiev said

    It would have to be divorced people who are still suffering from the effects
    i don’t think you understand how logic works.

    but if it helps you sleep at night, that’s a good thing... wow is that the time? 2:18am

    i better get some sleep lol
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar View Post
    i don’t think you understand how logic works.

    but if it helps you sleep at night, that’s a good thing... wow is that the time? 2:18am

    i better get some sleep lol
    I'm not sure whether you're trying to come off as rude or not.. Not one of us, but all of us are just trying to let you know the same thing.. Maybe you should take a hint.. We're all here to help eachother
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Islami.Mu'mina View Post
    I'm not sure whether you're trying to come off as rude or not.. Not one of us, but all of us are just trying to let you know the same thing.. Maybe you should take a hint.. We're all here to help eachother

    I'm not trying to be rude. Just honest. A question I put on this forum had you all twisted, which clearly shows you were suffering some sort of complex over it. It's all down to interpretation. But like logic, its not your strong point either... I;'m sure you do have strong points though. Like being an agony aunt. You should join an agony aunt column. I think it can help you to become more "fulfilled" in your new found role as saviour of marriages. See? I can be nice, if you interpret me that way
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    15noje9 1 - My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,
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  10. #267
    Islami.Mu'mina's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar View Post
    I'm not trying to be rude. Just honest. A question I put on this forum had you all twisted, which clearly shows you were suffering some sort of complex over it. It's all down to interpretation. But like logic, its not your strong point either... I;'m sure you do have strong points though. Like being an agony aunt. You should join an agony aunt column. I think it can help you to become more "fulfilled" in your new found role as saviour of marriages. See? I can be nice, if you interpret me that way
    Oh so making immature remarks after some confusion isn't rude?

    Clearly we can't do anything about his marriage.

    At least being an "agony aunt" can contribute more to the OP's mental health and hope rather than being irrelevant
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  11. #268
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Dude what the heck is going on here? Everyone can give advice as long as its sincere and kind. This kind of behavior is pathetic and stupid how you all question who is entitled and qualified to give advice. This is really immature and not the behavior of Muslims. Stop this at once. Stop creating fitna and rancor among each other. Just stop.
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  12. #269
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Yeah you're right

    I apologize to those I've offended with my remarks as well
    Last edited by Islami.Mu'mina; 12-09-2020 at 01:08 PM. Reason: with my**
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  14. #270
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar View Post
    well, you know now.

    look, if I wanna learn how to bake a cake - I go to a baker - not a car mechanic, ya dig?

    good boy!
    format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar View Post
    wow, you’re a touchy one, just like the other member who quote posted me above.

    you’re free to post as you like. I just asked a very simple question and it obviously, got your back twisted.

    but don’t mind me. I’m just here to throw questions out here... I’m not trying to give advice to a one sided story, if you know what I mean... gah, you probably don’t.
    format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar View Post
    i don’t think you understand how logic works.

    but if it helps you sleep at night, that’s a good thing... wow is that the time? 2:18am

    i better get some sleep lol
    format_quote Originally Posted by Scimitar View Post
    I'm not trying to be rude. Just honest. A question I put on this forum had you all twisted, which clearly shows you were suffering some sort of complex over it. It's all down to interpretation. But like logic, its not your strong point either... I;'m sure you do have strong points though. Like being an agony aunt. You should join an agony aunt column. I think it can help you to become more "fulfilled" in your new found role as saviour of marriages. See? I can be nice, if you interpret me that way
    You're coming off as the very thing you're accusing others as being.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by keiv View Post
    You're coming off as the very thing you're accusing others as being.
    thank you for noticing. I appreciate it.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    15noje9 1 - My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,
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  16. #272
    xboxisdead's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Imra'an, are you still thinking of getting married again? If you are, will you still marry in the same country that promote family breakup or would you marry somewhere else? Just curious.
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  17. #273
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    Imra'an, are you still thinking of getting married again? If you are, will you still marry in the same country that promote family breakup or would you marry somewhere else? Just curious.
    Off course, Insh Allah I will try to get married again, I will do all I can that is reasonable, righteous and in line with Sunnah. I will try to mitigate more against pitfalls and disasters, I will do all that and then I will put my trust in Allah swt. I do believe that there are good people out there, my own family members or relatives and other people in the community would not do to someone what my ex has done to me.

    There are good people out there that would never in a million years even hurt a fly.

    I try to stay positive.
    I pray there is more barakah in my earnings.
    I pray there is barakah in my house.
    My calamities have made my family and my home feel hollow and dark for a long time, I'll never forget... Even after we are taken out of darkness.... I pray there is more positivity, light and warmth in my family and in my home insh Allah and that we never forget what we have gone through and that we alway remember Allah swt.

    Lot of stuff goin on in my head. I do want to get married but to the right person... Not like last time.

    I want to be a better person
    I need to stay positive
    Although I can do it myself, it would be better to do it with a wife and children... Don't you think?

    Despite the turmoils of my journey and what's left to come, Im still here... Dont want to give up on life and be a recluse.

    Yet again I make plans.... In the end Allah swt has plans for me.... I'll do my bit, follow sunnah, I'll pray and il leave it in the hands of Allah swt.

    Yes tax paying men in the UK US Europe have a lot more to lose when a marriage Involving children fails, even if the father /husband is innocent... The laws allow mothers / wives to manipulate the system....
    I am aware of your points that you have made over the past 3 years... Even then, should try to look for that companion... Not everyone wants to stab you in the back....

    Right now my options are getting married via referrals made by close relatives either in the UK or I travel back to Bangladesh after covid... I do have a lot of relatives on my mom's side there alhamdulillah.. Trip is sometime next year maybe
    Did have a thought... Why does she have to Bangladeshi...?... I think its for my mom tbh and to help some cultural stuff I. E. Diets etc...
    On day of resurrection there will be no distinction on race, we will all be accountable for our actions...
    But say I married a non Bangladeshi, she may find some of our customs a bit odd and vice versa...

    Off course things will move slower this time...

    There has to be good after bad.... Just a matter of when...

    Keep praying

    Inna ma'iya rabbi sayah deen
    Last edited by Imraan; 12-12-2020 at 11:34 AM.
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  18. #274
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Oh Allah, please protect Imraan and make his new relationship his happiness and his future child/children be the pleasure of his eyes ameen. I pray that your experience will be a lesson to future young generation men not to think between their legs or be invacuated or fall in this concept of love, or especially love at the first sight. I pray the young men who desire marriage at age 16, 17, 20, etc to focus on their education, getting financially set and take it slowly, really slowly when trying to find a partner. Pretend...pretend that this spouse you will be getting married is an employee you are going to hire in your company. Are you going to hire her based on her looks or her character and even criminal records? Don't be fooled by the idea that only men can be criminals and women can never commit crime. That is a false sexist stereo type the offends both gender. Check your future wife as if she the worst criminal who make Hitler look sweet, by looking at her background, her history, her interaction with her parent(s), her parent(s) upbringing, siblings, culture, believes, etc, etc. Every person will put his or her shield down after six month, and worse case a year. In a year, you will know everything you need to know about the person. Please listen to the words and actions that come out of her mouth and look for red flags. If there is something she does or say that could destroy you if she did it to you but she did it to someone else? Run. RUN like the plaque is coming at you.
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  20. #275
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Jazak Allah for everyone's continuing prayers...
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  21. #276
    Islami.Mu'mina's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Off course, Insh Allah I will try to get married again, I will do all I can that is reasonable, righteous and in line with Sunnah. I will try to mitigate more against pitfalls and disasters, I will do all that and then I will put my trust in Allah swt. I do believe that there are good people out there, my own family members or relatives and other people in the community would not do to someone what my ex has done to me.

    There are good people out there that would never in a million years even hurt a fly.

    I try to stay positive.
    I pray there is more barakah in my earnings.
    I pray there is barakah in my house.
    My calamities have made my family and my home feel hollow and dark for a long time, I'll never forget... Even after we are taken out of darkness.... I pray there is more positivity, light and warmth in my family and in my home insh Allah and that we never forget what we have gone through and that we alway remember Allah swt.

    Lot of stuff goin on in my head. I do want to get married but to the right person... Not like last time.

    I want to be a better person
    I need to stay positive
    Although I can do it myself, it would be better to do it with a wife and children... Don't you think?

    Despite the turmoils of my journey and what's left to come, Im still here... Dont want to give up on life and be a recluse.

    Yet again I make plans.... In the end Allah swt has plans for me.... I'll do my bit, follow sunnah, I'll pray and il leave it in the hands of Allah swt.

    Yes tax paying men in the UK US Europe have a lot more to lose when a marriage Involving children fails, even if the father /husband is innocent... The laws allow mothers / wives to manipulate the system....
    I am aware of your points that you have made over the past 3 years... Even then, should try to look for that companion... Not everyone wants to stab you in the back....

    Right now my options are getting married via referrals made by close relatives either in the UK or I travel back to Bangladesh after covid... I do have a lot of relatives on my mom's side there alhamdulillah.. Trip is sometime next year maybe
    Did have a thought... Why does she have to Bangladeshi...?... I think its for my mom tbh and to help some cultural stuff I. E. Diets etc...
    On day of resurrection there will be no distinction on race, we will all be accountable for our actions...
    But say I married a non Bangladeshi, she may find some of our customs a bit odd and vice versa...

    Off course things will move slower this time...

    There has to be good after bad.... Just a matter of when...

    Keep praying

    Inna ma'iya rabbi sayah deen
    Yeah, in the end, as long as she is a good Muslim, thats the most important. If she's from Bangladesh, thats another pro for you and your mom as well.

    Even if she is in the UK, there is nothing wrong with that. It depends on her as a Muslim.

    My advice to you is to hold onto the sunnah when looking for another spouse. Know everything you want in a person. Set some bare minimal requirements in her deen. Research online about questions to be asking, etc..

    If she passes the minimal requirements, then you can start to look for some extra pros and cons in your potential spouse. Check if you can get along with her, could you see a future with her, check if you feel at least slight attraction (sometimes Muslims get obsessed with the person's deen to the point where they forget about the fact that there needs to be attraction in a relationship, lol) etc.. And you can also talk about anything else that concerns you

    Make sure to meet up Islamically with another fam member around.

    And don't be afraid of expressing what you want! Ask as many questions! If they get offended, that means there is smth wrong with them, not you! You seriously need to study this person and how their deen is. If there are any warning flags, do not ignore your gut and you must confront these issues!
    Last edited by Islami.Mu'mina; 12-13-2020 at 12:00 AM.
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  22. #277
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Islami.Mu'mina View Post



    And don't be afraid of expressing what you want! Ask as many questions! If they get offended, that means there is smth wrong with them, not you! You seriously need to study this person and how their deen is. If there are any warning flags, do not ignore your gut and you must confront these issues!
    Can you elaborate on this? This seems like a great point. Sadly many people have rejected me or seen me as extreme or reject me for asking too many questions
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  23. #278
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed View Post
    Can you elaborate on this? This seems like a great point. Sadly many people have rejected me or seen me as extreme or reject me for asking too many questions
    Excellent! I like hearing that. That means these people are not meant for you, those are not your mate in this world. Should you have married any of them, all of them would have eaten you up and thrown your bones in the trashcan. Whatever, you do. Don't change this method. Ask all the questions you NEED TO ASK to be safe, even if they throw terms like, "This not romantic," or "Not all women are bad!," or "Don't you trust me?," etc, etc. If the words that comes out of their mouth anything other than answering your questions, then don't get married to that person or have any relationship. However, that been said. Also from you side, don't be too extreme either. Don't ask over 9000 pages worth of questions. That is insane. You need to answer the correct questions and limit the amount to 10. But you have to ask the correct questions and make sure all 10 of them are the correct ones.
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  24. #279
    Al-Ansariyah's Avatar Full Member
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed View Post
    Can you elaborate on this? This seems like a great point. Sadly many people have rejected me or seen me as extreme or reject me for asking too many questions
    I feel the type of questions you ask will have an impact on their behaviour. If you are asking only religious questions and they call you extreme then obviously they aren't fit for the marriage. But if you are asking random ques., then it is understandable for them to be offended. About their family background, i don't think anyone would be so honest in talking about it. So in that case ,i guess , taking people's opinions(don't depend on just people's opinion) as well as talking to the potential partner directly would be better. You have to marry that person anyway, not their family so background isn't important much. However neither me nor islami mumina is experienced in this field so don't take us very seriously. (But i'd like her to explain what she meant in her post)
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  26. #280
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed View Post
    Can you elaborate on this? This seems like a great point. Sadly many people have rejected me or seen me as extreme or reject me for asking too many questions
    Similar to what Yvhere said.

    By asking many questions, I am talking about things that pertain to the marriage. So it would be religious questions, personality questions, lifestyle questions, etc.. things that affect you basically..

    Yeah for example asking about the family background might be a little weird since they don't know what your intentions are. But if you are asking things about your future in laws, there is nothing wrong with that because they will affect you. I think it is mostly females with this problems though, they need to ask about the suitor's family because I've noticed some Muslim girls end up becoming servants to their husband's fam

    But most of the time, where people will find you extreme is based on your religious questions. I actually made a list on here of a bunch of religious questions I'd ask specifically myself in reply to one of Imraan's posts I think.. Some of them were a bit unnecessary lol but for the most part I would ask them. But sometimes I wouldn't even need to ask of the specific ones because I can already tell these are the types of Muslims that are similar to my ideal type

    Basically starting off with the more basic questions like what they're aqeedah is, how they view Islam, a bunch of general questions on Islam and how they take the religion. Because nowadays you have people who believe in modernizing the religion, etc.

    And then you would go into the more specific things, so are there certain things that your suitor does that will influence your deen in a good or bad way? And these questions differ for all Muslims since we are all different.. How does your suitor use her time.. What does she do during her day.. How would she describe her daily/weekly life as a Muslim.. How does she want to see the future family turning out.. What are her goals for the fam.. Because some people have serious religious passions to get married while others may not care as much

    And also you should see if she believes in Islamic family roles. Not to an extreme level, but as long as she acknowledges that + a good healthy partnership = success

    You can even ask her what'd she'd do in hypothetical situations to see her mentality. I've actually known a good couple (very strong muslims).. They did stuff like that and they talked about how at first the marriage meetings were literally interview processes. And alhamdulilah they both are happily married sacrificing for each other

    After a bunch of questions pertaining to the topics I've told you + more of your own, you can understand by their answers what type of Muslim they are. Just based on the way they speak, you can tell if she is the type of muslim you're looking for

    What you got to strive for is not just a Muslim, but a Mu'min. Someone who constantly tries implementing Islam into their lives, not changing things to their desires.. Someone motivated to follow Islam in every single thing.. Because that person will also be very excited to get a pious spouse.. Of course all of us sin, but the difference between Muslims and Mumins is that these Mu'mins are always seeking knowledge and trying to follow the true Islam even when it comes to the smallest things of their daily lifestyle

    If someone thinks you're extreme for asking these religious questions.. Chances are, they MIGHT (not always) not be the Muslim you were looking for because they themselves may not have taken someone's deen to an important extent for the marriage. If you think this person misunderstood you, communicate with her and let her know how important deen is to you and ask her to be honest. but most pious people would understand how this is something important as long as you aren't being rude, judgmental, uncomfortbly bold/demanding, or extremely serious

    You just gotta keep your guard up before marriage so that when you get married you can finally lower it and allow companionship, compromise, and trust to kick in

    And as for personality.. Chemistry.. You can all figure that out while meeting.. It comes more natural I think
    Last edited by Islami.Mu'mina; 12-14-2020 at 04:29 PM.
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