× Register Login What's New! Contact us
Page 15 of 16 First ... 5 13 14 15 16 Last
Results 281 to 300 of 316 visibility 79634

My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

  1. #1
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    Full Member Array Imraan's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    417
    Threads
    57
    Reputation
    799
    Rep Power
    36
    Rep Ratio
    20
    Likes Ratio
    69

    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)


    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

  2. #281
    Islami.Mu'mina's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    United States
    Gender
    Female
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    486
    Threads
    57
    Rep Power
    29
    Rep Ratio
    33
    Likes Ratio
    95

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Report bad ads?

    However, that been said. Also from you side, don't be too extreme either. Don't ask over 9000 pages worth of questions. That is insane. You need to answer the correct questions and limit the amount to 10. But you have to ask the correct questions and make sure all 10 of them are the correct ones.
    Although I do agree that he shouldn't be extreme with the questions, there still shouldn't be a limit with a certain number. The limit should be once you are completely satisfied that you know enough information about this person and her deen.
    @Studentofdeed when you go about it, you shouldn't bombard with question after question like its some of pressured questionnaire. I suggest you try turning them into discussions so you can figure out the smaller details/signs and more answers without having to ask a bunch of questions.. Turning it into a discussion makes it more friendly and easier to understand each other. Along with that, you don't have to figure everything out in one day, you guys can keep meeting and having more discussion because there may be a lot on your mind that you need to know about her

    And even then when you still have more information you want to know for more specific questions and you feel that it is too extreme, try talking about yourself first relating to the question and then asking her what she thinks, how she is, etc..

    There are more ways to figure out about people rather than being direct forward and straight up asking questions. To be honest, figuring out information indirectly can be much more efficient and enjoyable for the two of you

    "This not romantic,"
    This should be a bigger warning sign though. There should be no romance before marriage. Especially since you will have one of your fam members and hers supervising the meet ups.. so if shes looking for romance b4 marriage, she wants to take things down the more risky impermissible route.

    I think it's also important to see if you can enjoy talking to her and having chemistry with her. So if you do want to have some idle talk to see how you get along, this should come after the religious/life discussions. You may even have chemistry with her right from the start of meeting her if you're lucky
    chat Quote

  3. Report bad ads?
  4. #282
    Studentofdeed's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Slave of Allah
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    836
    Threads
    166
    Rep Power
    35
    Rep Ratio
    42
    Likes Ratio
    57

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Perfect this helps. Jazakallah Khayran. I will keep it in mind
    | Likes Islami.Mu'mina liked this post
    chat Quote

  5. #283
    Studentofdeed's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Slave of Allah
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    836
    Threads
    166
    Rep Power
    35
    Rep Ratio
    42
    Likes Ratio
    57

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Yea I didn't bombard them questions, it was maybe like 24 questions? But they were are all related to the future and goals and plans in how they want to live their life. Their islamic role and how much qyran they read or what they do with islam in their life. They saw this as extreme or soe.times when I ask tell me about yourself or what are your pet peeves

    - - - Updated - - -

    Was that bad? Or too much?
    | Likes Islami.Mu'mina liked this post
    chat Quote

  6. #284
    xboxisdead's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Oldtimer
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,195
    Threads
    125
    Rep Power
    100
    Rep Ratio
    14
    Likes Ratio
    37

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed View Post
    Yea I didn't bombard them questions, it was maybe like 24 questions? But they were are all related to the future and goals and plans in how they want to live their life. Their islamic role and how much qyran they read or what they do with islam in their life. They saw this as extreme or soe.times when I ask tell me about yourself or what are your pet peeves

    - - - Updated - - -

    Was that bad? Or too much?
    Neither - grin -. You did perfect. You filtered out trouble. Keep doing it this way...UNTIL you hit the right person. DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD down because of rejections. Think of it this way. Rejections means the vaccine is working against the virus.
    | Likes Islami.Mu'mina, Studentofdeed liked this post
    chat Quote

  7. Report bad ads?
  8. #285
    Islami.Mu'mina's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    United States
    Gender
    Female
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    486
    Threads
    57
    Rep Power
    29
    Rep Ratio
    33
    Likes Ratio
    95

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed View Post
    Yea I didn't bombard them questions, it was maybe like 24 questions? But they were are all related to the future and goals and plans in how they want to live their life. Their islamic role and how much qyran they read or what they do with islam in their life. They saw this as extreme or soe.times when I ask tell me about yourself or what are your pet peeves

    - - - Updated - - -

    Was that bad? Or too much?
    i dont see anything wrong with 24 questions.. Especially yours, they seem like basic important ones. Were you basically throwing one question after another at her while she would give you one sentence answers? At that point, she could’ve felt awkward.. If I were you I would ask questions and also talk about myself (relating to the topic) while giving my suitor a chance to talk. That way we could both feel engaged and I wouldn’t come off as demanding. I think people would ideally feel more comfortable if you kept talking and slowly transitioning into a new question/topic..

    i think there are two extremes:

    The first one would be being too lax and not caring to question at all..
    my brother for example, he doesn’t like asking too many questions.. (he would mostly idle talk to girls without getting to the important stuff) . So I would tell him to talk about certain things/experiences with her where he could subtly understand what type of person she is.

    the second one straight up just questioning without actually interacting. So if you just keep questioning the suitor without giving her a chance to talk to you other than like one sentence.. Its not your questions that are extreme, but your approach. There is nothing wrong with this approach if you both agree and like it. But it is important to see if there is chemistry afterwards

    just find a midway between those two. Just question but also enjoy some talking and self reflecting while you’re at it so you guys can comfortably understand each other

    Honestly though if you didnt come off as demanding or anything, she probably just wasn’t the right person for you if she didn’t like the questions you were asking.
    | Likes xboxisdead, Studentofdeed liked this post
    chat Quote

  9. #286
    Studentofdeed's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Slave of Allah
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    836
    Threads
    166
    Rep Power
    35
    Rep Ratio
    42
    Likes Ratio
    57

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Yea I gave them enough time to respond and was engaging. But It was as you said...they got scared when I asked these questions and labeled me as extreme. They even got offended when I told them to pray istikhara. They said doesn't he not want to marry our daughter? They even claimed to be religous
    | Likes Islami.Mu'mina liked this post
    chat Quote

  10. #287
    Islami.Mu'mina's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Location
    United States
    Gender
    Female
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    486
    Threads
    57
    Rep Power
    29
    Rep Ratio
    33
    Likes Ratio
    95

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Studentofdeed View Post
    Yea I gave them enough time to respond and was engaging. But It was as you said...they got scared when I asked these questions and labeled me as extreme. They even got offended when I told them to pray istikhara. They said doesn't he not want to marry our daughter? They even claimed to be religous
    Yeesh, getting offended from being told to pray istikhara sounds quite off
    | Likes Studentofdeed, Imraan liked this post
    chat Quote

  11. #288
    Imraan's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    417
    Threads
    57
    Rep Power
    36
    Rep Ratio
    20
    Likes Ratio
    69

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam walaikum,

    Please remember me and my family in your prayers
    Its not been a great start to the week
    - The window breakers that were caught, the police only interviewed one of the two guys in Oct 2020 and despite him giving a 'no comment' reply to all questions, the police decided to close the whole case even though


    • I gave my eye witness account from the moment I left my house, had them in my sight running away until they were apprehended by police whilst pursuing them on the motorway
    • Home CCTV footage, 2 cameras and ring doorbell footage of the masked criminals although we had their clothes that they were wearing
    • Motorway police officers footage, body cam and vehicle cams of the criminals being caught whilst i pursued them
    • question of what where they doing in midlands during lockdown in June 2020?
    • My 999 call from start to finish


    On top of that my family court case continues with fabricated evidence, which if you were to read you would feel so nauseous, it didn't get any better this week. Once again I am reminded that i'm dealing with a very very slow system and a biased court
    @xboxisdead , please im not doing it to annoy you, I just want your prayers, I am in this situation, I am on edge. I make plans and have expectations.... just takes a long time to have them met... if i'm lucky. This court case for my daughter wont last long, i dont think i can hack for longer.

    Jazak Allah Khair

    | Likes Studentofdeed liked this post
    chat Quote

  12. #289
    xboxisdead's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Oldtimer
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,195
    Threads
    125
    Rep Power
    100
    Rep Ratio
    14
    Likes Ratio
    37

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Assalam walaikum,

    Please remember me and my family in your prayers
    Its not been a great start to the week
    - The window breakers that were caught, the police only interviewed one of the two guys in Oct 2020 and despite him giving a 'no comment' reply to all questions, the police decided to close the whole case even though


    • I gave my eye witness account from the moment I left my house, had them in my sight running away until they were apprehended by police whilst pursuing them on the motorway
    • Home CCTV footage, 2 cameras and ring doorbell footage of the masked criminals although we had their clothes that they were wearing
    • Motorway police officers footage, body cam and vehicle cams of the criminals being caught whilst i pursued them
    • question of what where they doing in midlands during lockdown in June 2020?
    • My 999 call from start to finish


    On top of that my family court case continues with fabricated evidence, which if you were to read you would feel so nauseous, it didn't get any better this week. Once again I am reminded that i'm dealing with a very very slow system and a biased court
    @xboxisdead , please im not doing it to annoy you, I just want your prayers, I am in this situation, I am on edge. I make plans and have expectations.... just takes a long time to have them met... if i'm lucky. This court case for my daughter wont last long, i dont think i can hack for longer.

    Jazak Allah Khair

    I know just the person who can help you. But you have to be persistent and patience to get a reply from him.

    https://muftimenk.com/

    I have given you his main website. If after that, you still did not get any response from him, research online other contact methods and means to reach him. He even have online classes (live). Maybe you can reach him there. This guy, after Allah, will be able to help you with your problems, Insha'Allah. Don't leave a single detail of your event untold to him and ask for his advise.

    Even the part about your daughter. But I am telling you something.

    Your biggest mistake....one of the biggest mistake.....

    is you put your trust on the Zionist system, instead of Allah's system. You went through the non-Muslim court, the Jewish court, the Zionist court and they have no right, no authority, no power over a single Muslim civilian and his life. You needed to have went to an authentic Muslim court, a court that follows the Sharia Law sincerely and perfectly well. You wouldn't be here now going to page 15 and being tortured alive. Your issue would have being resolved much sooner than that.
    | Likes BeTheChange liked this post
    chat Quote

  13. Report bad ads?
  14. #290
    BeTheChange's Avatar Moderator
    brightness_1
    Moderator
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Gender
    Female
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    2,250
    Threads
    149
    Rep Power
    72
    Rep Ratio
    71
    Likes Ratio
    87

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Asalamualykum

    Mufti Menk once said on one of his YT videos if he doesn't respond keep sending the same message every other day or every day. Insha Allah the chances of him seeing your email will be higher. Use a catchy title too. Sorry click bait works!! As you can imagine he probably gets 1000's of emails.

    [email protected]



    Zam Zam Academy are good too for advice.

    https://www.zamzamacademy.com

    I know you've probably already done this but you might need to sit down again and decide on the path you wish to take. I know it hurts but your just another number to the police and they are too short on resources, performance driven etc - majority are ruthless. I've only had a few interactions with them and trust me they killed me emotionally and mentally more than the crime itself!! They really hard work!!

    Have you contacted your local authority social services and asked them to arrange contact with your child? Let them know your concerned etc. I would keep pestering them and ringing them.

    Cafcass is another organisation you can try!

    Sorry i couldn't be of more use.

    May Allah swt heal you and give you and your family the strength to overcome this trial Ameen.
    Last edited by BeTheChange; 01-06-2021 at 07:03 PM.
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
    chat Quote

  15. #291
    Simply_Logical's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Senior Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    England!
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    707
    Threads
    80
    Rep Power
    97
    Rep Ratio
    24
    Likes Ratio
    40

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.
    walaykum salaam wa rahmatulahi wah barakatuhu

    hows it going now then?
    chat Quote

  16. #292
    Imraan's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    417
    Threads
    57
    Rep Power
    36
    Rep Ratio
    20
    Likes Ratio
    69

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Simply_Logical View Post
    walaykum salaam wa rahmatulahi wah barakatuhu

    hows it going now then?
    situation is not ideal at the moment, I only get to see my daughter on pre-recorded videos sent to me fortnightly by order of the court but she doesnt get to see me while this doubt that has been cast upon me to the family court by the ex.

    i do plan to get married again this year insh Allah and the thought of continuing to pursue my daughter remains hanging on a very fine thread. My friends and family keep telling me to let go of my daughter because I just dont have it in me to fully handle people like the ex and her family members.

    i remain under investigation by the police based on false allegations and fabricated evidence, i am 7 months 'on' still waiting for those investigations to be concluded.

    no justice obtainable for the multiple counts of criminal damage we have suffered over the course of 12 months up to June 2020 (their last visit to my house) when those criminals were caught by police and let go. Now it looks like they are closing the case.

    the reality of it all is so sad, i keep saying to myself 'Sabrun Jameel', waiting for the light at the end of this very dark tunnel, praying to come in view of it very soon. This whole things has been going on a while and has taken a toll on my outlook to the community, society and this world as a whole. Its just heartbreaking to endure this aftermath after making stupid mistakes when getting married fist time round (we live and we learn).
    | Likes Simply_Logical liked this post
    chat Quote

  17. #293
    Imraan's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    Full Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Location
    UK
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    417
    Threads
    57
    Rep Power
    36
    Rep Ratio
    20
    Likes Ratio
    69

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by BeTheChange View Post
    Asalamualykum

    Mufti Menk once said on one of his YT videos if he doesn't respond keep sending the same message every other day or every day. Insha Allah the chances of him seeing your email will be higher. Use a catchy title too. Sorry click bait works!! As you can imagine he probably gets 1000's of emails.

    [email protected]



    Zam Zam Academy are good too for advice.

    https://www.zamzamacademy.com

    I know you've probably already done this but you might need to sit down again and decide on the path you wish to take. I know it hurts but your just another number to the police and they are too short on resources, performance driven etc - majority are ruthless. I've only had a few interactions with them and trust me they killed me emotionally and mentally more than the crime itself!! They really hard work!!

    Have you contacted your local authority social services and asked them to arrange contact with your child? Let them know your concerned etc. I would keep pestering them and ringing them.

    Cafcass is another organisation you can try!

    Sorry i couldn't be of more use.

    May Allah swt heal you and give you and your family the strength to overcome this trial Ameen.
    walaikum salam

    i'll try and send him the emails every other day

    you mean the local authority here in the midlands?

    i am already in family court proceedings which i started in 2018, CAFCASS London already involved. the reality is due to distance, the ex gets automatic custody of child and its up to the father to prove his worth or prove his innocence in order to get legal orders sanctioned so that he may enforce orders to build a relationship with his children. Even a whisper or a allegation so weak will set delays in proceedings and extreme lateness in orders being sanctioned due to the lenghty determination of facts. I'm having to ask myself most times if it is really worth it? Not everyone endures what I have gone through when they apply for contact / shared custody for their child. I indeed picked the wrong family. Asthagfirullah.
    chat Quote

  18. #294
    xboxisdead's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Oldtimer
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,195
    Threads
    125
    Rep Power
    100
    Rep Ratio
    14
    Likes Ratio
    37

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    situation is not ideal at the moment, I only get to see my daughter on pre-recorded videos sent to me fortnightly by order of the court but she doesnt get to see me while this doubt that has been cast upon me to the family court by the ex.

    i do plan to get married again this year insh Allah and the thought of continuing to pursue my daughter remains hanging on a very fine thread. My friends and family keep telling me to let go of my daughter because I just dont have it in me to fully handle people like the ex and her family members.

    i remain under investigation by the police based on false allegations and fabricated evidence, i am 7 months 'on' still waiting for those investigations to be concluded.

    no justice obtainable for the multiple counts of criminal damage we have suffered over the course of 12 months up to June 2020 (their last visit to my house) when those criminals were caught by police and let go. Now it looks like they are closing the case.

    the reality of it all is so sad, i keep saying to myself 'Sabrun Jameel', waiting for the light at the end of this very dark tunnel, praying to come in view of it very soon. This whole things has been going on a while and has taken a toll on my outlook to the community, society and this world as a whole. Its just heartbreaking to endure this aftermath after making stupid mistakes when getting married fist time round (we live and we learn).

    I am proud of you!! Move on! Find yourself a new wife and bring new children in the world. That daughter no longer yours, it belongs to the wife and her family. Done. The only thing you can do now is just make sure she get her inheritance and child support. Do that in Islamic sharia law and not the kaffir law. Move on.

    Now...scroll back to the previous pages when you try to attempt to meet her when she becomes an adult. That daughter is a grown adult now, you have not seen her or raised her since infancy, she is an estranged woman right now. Ask a shiekh if she have to wear hijjab in front of you (tell the truth that you have not seen her since birth and she is grown woman), as the shiekh if you guys can be at the same room with you or not. Whatever you do, don't tell her where you live. I hear stories of many men had sexual relationships with their own daughters when they are placed in situation like you. May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) give you healthy, mature, smart sons and daughters and they follow Islam correctly ameen from the new marriage. May Allah (Subahanu Wa Talaa) give you an excellent salleh wife who treat you right and give you, all your rights. Ameen.

    But you have to promise this, the only way you can really heal and move on...is pretend...you never had a daughter at all and this is the first time you are getting married. You have to do this. Forget her. I am not going to bash you or call you a bad father if you did. I will be proud of you, if you did. Pretend she died. Are you going to weep the rest of your life? No, you will move on and get married and have new family and laugh and joke and so forth. As far as you are concerned, your baby girl is dead. She is dead. Done. We all going to die anyways, so she is dead. Move on. Only Allah knows, perhaps when she becomes a grown woman you...YOURSELF have been so happy with your new life...that you...yourself don't want anything to do with her. Even if she comes knocking on your door. If you did that, I understand. Again, doesn't make you a bad person if you did that too. Trust me when I tell you this, she will grow just like her mother. You better off without her anyways. You don't know what Allah have plans for you. Be happy with what you have.....and only Allah knows, he may show in future what sort of person your daughter will be. Maybe, when you see that...you will call prostrating on the floor...weeping and thanking Allah that you have nothing to do with the girl. Best part in all of this is that you are placed in a position where you are the victim and you will not be blamed and 100% blame on your ex-wife .
    chat Quote

  19. Report bad ads?
  20. #295
    Simply_Logical's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Senior Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    England!
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    707
    Threads
    80
    Rep Power
    97
    Rep Ratio
    24
    Likes Ratio
    40

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    situation is not ideal at the moment, I only get to see my daughter on pre-recorded videos sent to me fortnightly by order of the court but she doesnt get to see me while this doubt that has been cast upon me to the family court by the ex.

    i do plan to get married again this year insh Allah and the thought of continuing to pursue my daughter remains hanging on a very fine thread. My friends and family keep telling me to let go of my daughter because I just dont have it in me to fully handle people like the ex and her family members.

    i remain under investigation by the police based on false allegations and fabricated evidence, i am 7 months 'on' still waiting for those investigations to be concluded.

    no justice obtainable for the multiple counts of criminal damage we have suffered over the course of 12 months up to June 2020 (their last visit to my house) when those criminals were caught by police and let go. Now it looks like they are closing the case.

    the reality of it all is so sad, i keep saying to myself 'Sabrun Jameel', waiting for the light at the end of this very dark tunnel, praying to come in view of it very soon. This whole things has been going on a while and has taken a toll on my outlook to the community, society and this world as a whole. Its just heartbreaking to endure this aftermath after making stupid mistakes when getting married fist time round (we live and we learn).
    Bro always be there for your daughter she is an innocent soul who's caught up in this without a choice, remember that my brother

    Even if you re marry a million times over don't ever neglect your daughters and her rights as she could be the key for you entering jannah

    Not saying you will my brother because from what I've read it sounds like you lurve and cherish your daughter very much, which is an admirable Alhamdulillah Allahumma Bareek
    | Likes bint e aisha, Islami.Mu'mina, Imraan liked this post
    chat Quote

  21. #296
    xboxisdead's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Oldtimer
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,195
    Threads
    125
    Rep Power
    100
    Rep Ratio
    14
    Likes Ratio
    37

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Simply_Logical View Post
    Bro always be there for your daughter she is an innocent soul who's caught up in this without a choice, remember that my brother

    Even if you re marry a million times over don't ever neglect your daughters and her rights as she could be the key for you entering jannah

    Not saying you will my brother because from what I've read it sounds like you lurve and cherish your daughter very much, which is an admirable Alhamdulillah Allahumma Bareek

    Her rights are going to be protected. He will provide her financial means and she will inherit from him when he dies. As far as we are concerned, her provided her rights no problem. No one said here don't financially support her or cut her from the will. I sure heck didn't say that

    But he needs to move on. He needs to provide her emotional investment somewhere else. If the daughter really loves daddy, she will find ways and means of finding him and reaching him. No one said here, he should not talk to her if she meets him. We are just saying he to play it safe to protect himself and his new family.

    Don't think for a split second, that his daughter is some sweet hollow innocent little girl all her life. She is going to be raised by a toxic environment, toxic family, evil family, he have to protect himself. She may become like them or not, he doesn't know. You don't know. I don't know. Only Allah knows.

    That being said, he need to make sure he is safe 100% when dealing with her in adult stage. Don't ask him to go fighting up teeth and nail to reach her, ok? This is oppression and it is against Islam and it is not suppose to be like that to proof he is a good dad. You are almost saying that all men by default are criminals and unfit parent and he needs to proof his worth and get high grades to reach the same level as the mother who automatically she got the high grade just because she birthed. That my friend, is full stage retard. OK. Full, stage...retard.

    The one...who failed...the test...is the wife. The man did all he could from all his energy and resources and Allah doesn't burden a soul more than it can handle. He needs to spread his lineage again and move on with a better wife and children. His daughter maybe an innocent little baby girl...but that innocence's will be robbed off from her and she could be his clone of his wife. You don't know. You can't assume that she will be a perfect little princes and daddy's little girl all her life. How do you even know she maybe Muslim when she is able to talk. She could leave the fold of Islam, you don't know. She could be one of the enemies of Islam and her being around her father could cause him to leave Islam. You don't know that.

    He is doing his duty as a father. He is providing financially and providing the heritage of the girl. He will provide means of having her to reach him. When she reaches age of maturity it is up to her at that point if she really misses daddy, if she really loves daddy, if she really wants to see daddy or she is a spoiled brat, doesn't care about daddy, cares about herself only, focused on materialistic world and is the next gold digger wife that you men talk about in this form. If she talks to daddy then daddy will talk to her and form the bound at that point, if she doesn't talk to daddy, never lifts a phone to say HI to daddy, never emails daddy, never skypes daddy, then daddy knows where he stands in her heart and daddy needs to think about himself and be THANKFUL he is in this situation.
    Last edited by BeTheChange; 01-07-2021 at 07:13 PM. Reason: Please include paragraphs
    | Likes BeTheChange liked this post
    chat Quote

  22. #297
    Simply_Logical's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Senior Member
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    England!
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    707
    Threads
    80
    Rep Power
    97
    Rep Ratio
    24
    Likes Ratio
    40

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    Her rights are going to be protected. He will provide her financial means and she will inherit from him when he dies. As far as we are concerned, her provided her rights no problem. No one said here don't financially support her or cut her from the will. I sure heck didn't say that

    But he needs to move on. He needs to provide her emotional investment somewhere else. If the daughter really loves daddy, she will find ways and means of finding him and reaching him. No one said here, he should not talk to her if she meets him. We are just saying he to play it safe to protect himself and his new family.

    Don't think for a split second, that his daughter is some sweet hollow innocent little girl all her life. She is going to be raised by a toxic environment, toxic family, evil family, he have to protect himself. She may become like them or not, he doesn't know. You don't know. I don't know. Only Allah knows.

    That being said, he need to make sure he is safe 100% when dealing with her in adult stage. Don't ask him to go fighting up teeth and nail to reach her, ok? This is oppression and it is against Islam and it is not suppose to be like that to proof he is a good dad. You are almost saying that all men by default are criminals and unfit parent and he needs to proof his worth and get high grades to reach the same level as the mother who automatically she got the high grade just because she birthed. That my friend, is full stage retard. OK. Full, stage...retard.

    The one...who failed...the test...is the wife. The man did all he could from all his energy and resources and Allah doesn't burden a soul more than it can handle. He needs to spread his lineage again and move on with a better wife and children. His daughter maybe an innocent little baby girl...but that innocence's will be robbed off from her and she could be his clone of his wife. You don't know. You can't assume that she will be a perfect little princes and daddy's little girl all her life. How do you even know she maybe Muslim when she is able to talk. She could leave the fold of Islam, you don't know. She could be one of the enemies of Islam and her being around her father could cause him to leave Islam. You don't know that.

    He is doing his duty as a father. He is providing financially and providing the heritage of the girl. He will provide means of having her to reach him. When she reaches age of maturity it is up to her at that point if she really misses daddy, if she really loves daddy, if she really wants to see daddy or she is a spoiled brat, doesn't care about daddy, cares about herself only, focused on materialistic world and is the next gold digger wife that you men talk about in this form. If she talks to daddy then daddy will talk to her and form the bound at that point, if she doesn't talk to daddy, never lifts a phone to say HI to daddy, never emails daddy, never skypes daddy, then daddy knows where he stands in her heart and daddy needs to think about himself and be THANKFUL he is in this situation.
    Well I think you're getting the wrong end of the stick tbh

    For a start she has rights over him whether he marries a million other women and has a million other kids or not, my whole point is she has rights over him and don't neglect her as on yawmul qiyamah you'll be accountable for it and not for a second am I saying he will but that was just my point

    Sure move on with your life there's no issues with that, i mean why live life living in the past?
    It's all about the present because tomorrow we may not be here, as you can appreciate dear brother

    I'll leave it at that and Allah SWT knows best
    | Likes bint e aisha liked this post
    chat Quote

  23. #298
    xboxisdead's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Oldtimer
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    1,195
    Threads
    125
    Rep Power
    100
    Rep Ratio
    14
    Likes Ratio
    37

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    format_quote Originally Posted by Simply_Logical View Post
    Well I think you're getting the wrong end of the stick tbh

    For a start she has rights over him whether he marries a million other women and has a million other kids or not, my whole point is she has rights over him and don't neglect her as on yawmul qiyamah you'll be accountable for it and not for a second am I saying he will but that was just my point

    Sure move on with your life there's no issues with that, i mean why live life living in the past?
    It's all about the present because tomorrow we may not be here, as you can appreciate dear brother

    I'll leave it at that and Allah SWT knows best
    You said everything I said 100%, that is why BeTheChange liked my post. If I had said something off tracking, BeTheChange wouldn't have have hesitated to straighten me up. There you go Imraan, you get my post confirmed double. You are doing the right thing. Focus on moving on. You make a great dad
    | Likes BeTheChange liked this post
    chat Quote

  24. #299
    BeTheChange's Avatar Moderator
    brightness_1
    Moderator
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Dec 2013
    Gender
    Female
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    2,250
    Threads
    149
    Rep Power
    72
    Rep Ratio
    71
    Likes Ratio
    87

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Asalamualykum dear brothers and sisters,

    Allah swt knows best. Everyone is right in thier own right. Personally i agree with you brother about moving on because we have to accept reality.

    All the harm and hurt the ex wife and family have caused is clearly a sign to move on. The more the husband shows he cares the more satisfaction the ex wife will get. I'm sorry. I'm not against women but some women are like this especially if they have the backing of a gangster family and corrupt legal system!!

    May Allah swt shower HIS mercy and protection over us all and our families Ameen!!
    | Likes bint e aisha, Imraan liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
    Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
    chat Quote

  25. Report bad ads?
  26. #300
    MazharShafiq's Avatar Full Member
    brightness_1
    IB Oldtimer
    star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate star_rate
    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    Pakistan
    Gender
    Male
    Religion
    Islam
    Posts
    2,301
    Threads
    56
    Rep Power
    48
    Rep Ratio
    7
    Likes Ratio
    18

    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam walaikum,

    Please remember me and my family in your prayers
    | Likes Imraan liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    27y9utc 1 - My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,
    chat Quote


  27. Hide
Page 15 of 16 First ... 5 13 14 15 16 Last
Hey there! My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.

When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,
Sign Up

Similar Threads

  1. The Ups and Downs of Life
    By Ali_008 in forum General
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 01-01-2014, 12:13 PM
  2. TSA Pat-downs (Americans only please)
    By lostsoul99 in forum Advice & Support
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-01-2011, 01:52 AM
  3. Ups and downs for reverts
    By bibish in forum New Muslims
    Replies: 57
    Last Post: 09-02-2009, 05:40 PM
  4. Downs Syndrome
    By .:Umniyah:. in forum Health & Science
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 07-04-2007, 04:27 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
create