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    Imraan's Avatar
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    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

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    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.

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  3. #2
    Abz2000's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    It appears that both of you are measuring by selfish standards, if you both choose to measure by the eternal standard - that of your Creator and Sustainer, you would both have been able to "get along jus' fine", a house divided does not stand for long, whoever of you manage to get in line with your Creator's standard (if not both of you) will be the most successful - and you'll definitely realise this when you wake up after the 70ish year term that it takes to drop to the bottom of hell.

    Read surah at-Tahrim.
    Also, your family and hers are helping to mess things up by conspiring in secret - indicating a lack of trust - and no intelligent person is able to put up with such an insult and lack of due respect for long.
    Last edited by Abz2000; 05-29-2018 at 06:37 PM.
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    Supernova's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Is there another Chapter to follow ?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Is there another Chapter to follow ?
    | Likes Ahmed. liked this post
    My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

    Dark Side Of The Moon

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    Abz2000's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Supernova View Post
    Is there another Chapter to follow ?

    - - - Updated - - -

    Is there another Chapter to follow ?
    There are 114.

    Ekhsho souddo ta ase
    Last edited by Abz2000; 05-29-2018 at 06:40 PM.
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    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Abz2000 View Post
    It appears that both of you are measuring by selfish standards, if you both choose to measure by the eternal standard - that of your Creator and Sustainer, you would both have been able to "get along jus' fine", a house divided does not stand for long, whoever of you manage to get in line with your Creator's standard (if not both of you) will be the most successful - and you'll definitely realise this when you wake up after the 70ish year term that it takes to drop to the bottom of hell.

    Read surah at-Tahrim.
    Also, your family and hers are helping to mess things up by conspiring in secret - indicating a lack of trust - and no intelligent person is able to put up with such an insult and lack of due respect for long.
    A) That guy lost all his right to his daughter. So as far as he is concerned he have bills to pay and no daughter. If he stays with her his daughter will back her mother up against the father and there will be two women working in unit against this man. It is worse to live like this than to divorce her and lose 100% contact and relationship with the daughter. If I was him (I would never be in this situation period) I would consider this a lose and pay for my mistake. I will attempt to form contact to the child and if the mother prevents me from having any contact and her family poison the child I will clean my hand and have something against them in the afterlife. I will simply make dua against them because I am the person in the weakest point (fathers are the weaker parents are in the weakest point than the mothers) so all I have with me is my heart and dua.

    B) That brother missed the red sign so all blame goes to him. Sorry. It is your fault. You made research and people told you there is something wrong with this girl and then marriage get delayed that much..it is already a telltale sign it is going to get worse

    C) You had a baby fast. You should have waited and got all these sign appear so when you divorce her there is no issue of children. You did not do that. I would wait five years before I conceive a child. I will go as far as get those awesome medical birth contraceptive pills that are reversible that prevents me from producing sperm and having a wife have babies. This will be an agreement to the wife before marriage and the contraceptive will be only accessed by me. If my wife decides to drug me without my consent to have the child...I will curse her until the last of breath, divorce her and have nothing to do with her and HER baby. If it is fine with her then it is fine with me.

    D) I am happy you had a daughter vs a son, it would be another generation of weak men had it being a son and you have that for a mother.

    E) Your wife does not need you. Majority of women don't need men anyways. It is in their nature. Women by nature can live in an a planet where no men exist and they can do fine with it and be happy. So do not feel bad if you feel some sort of resentment that she acts like she does not need you, because she doesn't. You need to learn to move on when you have a broken heart and not need her. This is where your true masculinity and being a man comes in.

    F) This is a power struggle and she is winning the struggle by you submitting. If you don't put your foot down at the beginning of the relationship she have won the power struggle and she is the one driving the ship. Ones that happens you can never regain that power back. Sorry. You lost. So you can be the day-youth and submit to her well and her family and live a miserable life and obey her every whim and desires and her mother's desires and family and be just a handy man and human bank machine while her law goes or you leave.....and if you intend to sacrifice all that for what exactly? A daughter? Pfft. That is stupid. Sorry. Whether it be a daughter or son it is stupid. These children will grow up and throw you in the old home age anyways......you will be left unhappy, emasculated, powerless and miserable for people who would not even do dua for you when you die or care for you! This my friend is worse than living alone and paying child support and have zero access to the children and the children hate you.

    G) Remember children by nature hate their fathers...by default. Understand, wife and children majority of them are your enemy. So please....stop having all this drama in your life. My advice: divorce her. Simple. Divorce her. Make this a learning lose. The more you need someone the more that person have power over you and can step on your face. Again...don't right away break relationship with your daughter..do your best and act to have contact with her and have proof to your daughter you attempted it. Let her mother and grandmother and family member be the evil people by preventing you seeing the children. 80% of the time women do this. Let your ex-wife poison the child on you. You have Allah (Subhhanahu Wa Talaa) to back you up. You are doing the act for Allah and not for your daughter and for anyone else. So when the time comes in day of judgement you have something to show to Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) and say that I have done this but they have waged war against me..so this way you can benefit from your daughter in the afterlife by getting her good deeds and you can benefit from the ex-wife by getting her good deed. The pleasure of this world are only children and wealth here...but the greatest pleasure in the afterlife. Use the resources here to gain the real reward and gift in the afterlife...even if it comes through the expense of your ex-wife, wife or children. That day...is truly the definition of survival to the fittest and in this case the most pois one and the one with imam and the one who got the most oppressed by other people when you are in the weakest point. If I was you..I would take advantage of the situation to gain success in the afterlife and leave and find a better woman. Learn from this experience. Or stay single and sponsor a child.
    Last edited by xboxisdead; 05-29-2018 at 07:42 PM.
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  8. #6
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    They kept on stalling and stalling the decision to accept the proposal, and then after having stated their acceptance of it, kept stalling the actual wedding. Also, you found out that she has had an affair with another man up until she got married to you, despite being in the process of arranging to get married to you.

    Am I the only one connecting the dots here? She wanted the other man all along, but he took her for a ride, took advantage of her and her hopes to marry him. You were her fall-back option. Chances are that she just married you because her family convinced her that it's either you or ending up as an old maid forever.

    You did the right thing standing your ground in April 2018. You should have done way more of that, and way sooner. That she did not go with him even as her brother picked her up shows that you have authority if you only choose to use it, and act like you have it.

    I'd advise the following:

    If she ever contacts you again, tell her the only way you will ever accept her back is for her to confess that she has sinned against you, and that she will obey you from now on. That she must recognize that you are the head of the family, no exceptions or limits. If she agrees, hold her accountable to that, don't reward misbehaviour by abiding it or through patience in the hopes she will improve, you did far too much of that already.

    Know that if you divorce, you have the option to contest custody of your daughter. I don't know how British law on the matter works, but might be her behaviour towards you would count against her in divorce and custody proceedings.

    Oh, and get your daughter DNA-tested. Considering her relationship with the other guy, it's entirely possible she is not your daughter at all. At the very least, if she means to claim child support from you, you have (as far as I know British law on the matter) the legal option to contest paternity and have a court-ordered DNA test done.

    - - - Updated - - -

    They kept on stalling and stalling the decision to accept the proposal, and then after having stated their acceptance of it, kept stalling the actual wedding. Also, you found out that she has had an affair with another man up until she got married to you, despite being in the process of arranging to get married to you.

    Am I the only one connecting the dots here? She wanted the other man all along, but he took her for a ride, took advantage of her and her hopes to marry him. You were her fall-back option. Chances are that she just married you because her family convinced her that it's either you or ending up as an old maid forever.

    You did the right thing standing your ground in April 2018. You should have done way more of that, and way sooner. That she did not go with him even as her brother picked her up shows that you have authority if you only choose to use it, and act like you have it.

    I'd advise the following:

    If she ever contacts you again, tell her the only way you will ever accept her back is for her to confess that she has sinned against you, and that she will obey you from now on. That she must recognize that you are the head of the family, no exceptions or limits. If she agrees, hold her accountable to that, don't reward misbehaviour by abiding it or through patience in the hopes she will improve, you did far too much of that already.

    Know that if you divorce, you have the option to contest custody of your daughter. I don't know how British law on the matter works, but might be her behaviour towards you would count against her in divorce and custody proceedings.

    Oh, and get your daughter DNA-tested. Considering her relationship with the other guy, it's entirely possible she is not your daughter at all. At the very least, if she means to claim child support from you, you have (as far as I know British law on the matter) the legal option to contest paternity and have a court-ordered DNA test done.

    - - - Updated - - -

    What's wrong with the forum? Why did my post end up having the text twice, with a dotted line with "Updated" in the middle?

    - - - Updated - - -

    What's wrong with the forum? Why did my post end up having the text twice, with a dotted line with "Updated" in the middle?
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  9. #7
    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Futuwwa View Post
    They kept on stalling and stalling the decision to accept the proposal, and then after having stated their acceptance of it, kept stalling the actual wedding. Also, you found out that she has had an affair with another man up until she got married to you, despite being in the process of arranging to get married to you.

    Am I the only one connecting the dots here? She wanted the other man all along, but he took her for a ride, took advantage of her and her hopes to marry him. You were her fall-back option. Chances are that she just married you because her family convinced her that it's either you or ending up as an old maid forever.

    You did the right thing standing your ground in April 2018. You should have done way more of that, and way sooner. That she did not go with him even as her brother picked her up shows that you have authority if you only choose to use it, and act like you have it.

    I'd advise the following:

    If she ever contacts you again, tell her the only way you will ever accept her back is for her to confess that she has sinned against you, and that she will obey you from now on. That she must recognize that you are the head of the family, no exceptions or limits. If she agrees, hold her accountable to that, don't reward misbehaviour by abiding it or through patience in the hopes she will improve, you did far too much of that already.

    Know that if you divorce, you have the option to contest custody of your daughter. I don't know how British law on the matter works, but might be her behaviour towards you would count against her in divorce and custody proceedings.

    Oh, and get your daughter DNA-tested. Considering her relationship with the other guy, it's entirely possible she is not your daughter at all. At the very least, if she means to claim child support from you, you have (as far as I know British law on the matter) the legal option to contest paternity and have a court-ordered DNA test done.

    - - - Updated - - -

    They kept on stalling and stalling the decision to accept the proposal, and then after having stated their acceptance of it, kept stalling the actual wedding. Also, you found out that she has had an affair with another man up until she got married to you, despite being in the process of arranging to get married to you.

    Am I the only one connecting the dots here? She wanted the other man all along, but he took her for a ride, took advantage of her and her hopes to marry him. You were her fall-back option. Chances are that she just married you because her family convinced her that it's either you or ending up as an old maid forever.

    You did the right thing standing your ground in April 2018. You should have done way more of that, and way sooner. That she did not go with him even as her brother picked her up shows that you have authority if you only choose to use it, and act like you have it.

    I'd advise the following:

    If she ever contacts you again, tell her the only way you will ever accept her back is for her to confess that she has sinned against you, and that she will obey you from now on. That she must recognize that you are the head of the family, no exceptions or limits. If she agrees, hold her accountable to that, don't reward misbehaviour by abiding it or through patience in the hopes she will improve, you did far too much of that already.

    Know that if you divorce, you have the option to contest custody of your daughter. I don't know how British law on the matter works, but might be her behaviour towards you would count against her in divorce and custody proceedings.

    Oh, and get your daughter DNA-tested. Considering her relationship with the other guy, it's entirely possible she is not your daughter at all. At the very least, if she means to claim child support from you, you have (as far as I know British law on the matter) the legal option to contest paternity and have a court-ordered DNA test done.

    - - - Updated - - -

    What's wrong with the forum? Why did my post end up having the text twice, with a dotted line with "Updated" in the middle?

    - - - Updated - - -

    What's wrong with the forum? Why did my post end up having the text twice, with a dotted line with "Updated" in the middle?

    Wait brother! Hold on. Isn't Islamic law it is illegal or father is forbidden to have custody of his children until the child reaches age seven. At that point then the father can have custody of his children? My understanding that is how it works. No? And you know British law favors mothers over father 100% in everything up to and including if the mother is a drug addict, lesbian or kafir she still have custody of the child vs the father who is Muslim, saleh, good person he is forbidden to have custody. Isn't that how it is in British law? Also isn't in British law a man have to pay child support even if the child doesn't belong to him as long as the mother put his name as the father to the child, DNA or no DNA he have to pay child support until the child reaches like 21 or something, no?

    You cannot possible believe that British law by any mean have any justice in them. It is impossible to ask that from man made law...man.

    As for the brother telling her he is the head of the household..that ship sailed at the beginning. He cannot be the head of the household or even if he tried there will be no harmony in this relationship, because his wife will make sure no harmony is ever possible. Honestly in my humble opinion this relationship is over. But..meh...what do I know!
    Last edited by xboxisdead; 05-29-2018 at 11:03 PM.
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  10. #8
    M.I.A.'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    That's a huge amount of text...

    But I stopped reading at this point.


    "she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother."

    Your obviously leaving out all the complicated stuff.

    A matrimonial site hooked you up with the same girl your uncle's two sons were rejected by?

    What is it tinder?

    You have 4 pizza shops in your area.

    ..no I'm sorry, I will read the rest of your post.. slowly.

    You know the world is an extremely small place for some.

    I'd much prefer the company of strangers.

    ..no I'm not a slaaayg.

    I just don't like being followed.

    "So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong..."

    Wow.. I'm kinda hoping you did a paternity test.


    "FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through."

    I don't know what you married!

    Ok so basically..at the end of it, you have to stick it out.

    She basically hasn't liked the life you have provided and wants to move back into her comfort zone.

    You don't want to split up.

    So two things.

    ..have you considered moving to London?

    And are you sure she isn't still cheating on you?

    ..Life for the most part is uphill.
    Last edited by M.I.A.; 05-29-2018 at 11:45 PM.
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  11. #9
    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by M.I.A. View Post
    That's a huge amount of text...

    But I stopped reading at this point.


    "she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother."

    Your obviously leaving out all the complicated stuff.

    A matrimonial site hooked you up with the same girl your uncle's two sons were rejected by?

    What is it tinder?

    You have 4 pizza shops in your area.

    ..no I'm sorry, I will read the rest of your post.. slowly.

    You know the world is an extremely small place for some.

    I'd much prefer the company of strangers.

    ..no I'm not a slaaayg.

    I just don't like being followed.

    "So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong..."

    Wow.. I'm kinda hoping you did a paternity test.


    "FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through."

    I don't know what you married!

    Ok so basically..at the end of it, you have to stick it out.

    She basically hasn't liked the life you have provided and wants to move back into her comfort zone.

    You don't want to split up.

    So two things.

    ..have you considered moving to London?

    And are you sure she isn't still cheating on you?

    ..Life for the most part is uphill.
    Stick it out?

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  13. #10
    M.I.A.'s Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Yeah, it's just his perspective of the relationship..

    It's the same guy that stuck it out at the beginning.

    And then again when he found the texts that haven't fully been explained.

    And then had a baby.


    If anything, life is the path you persue.. and all the old wounds can be overcome.

    But if what he wants is not actually what he wants..


    Then it's just another choice to be made. It's as easy as steering a conversation.

    To be frank.

    You know, if the word ever overtakes you.. you should at least know about it.

    See how long it takes to regain clarity of thought and integrity.

    Or just whack on a taweez and visit a chemist for a regular one.

    ..because who wants to stay on topic?

    Just waiting for clearance to work and I can disappear for a while again.

    ..and be well again.

    Nudge*nudge*wink*wink
    Last edited by M.I.A.; 05-30-2018 at 03:07 AM.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    I agree Abz.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I agree Abz. You are absolutely right.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I agree Abz. You are absolutely right.

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Imraan View Post
    Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu

    I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.

    I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.

    So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.

    In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.

    So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.

    By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.

    Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle

    Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.

    So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,

    We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.

    So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...

    Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.

    So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..

    her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip

    meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.

    Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.

    FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.

    Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.

    At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.

    at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.

    Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,

    August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.

    I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits

    We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.

    the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.

    Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.

    I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.

    Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.

    We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me

    I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.

    I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.

    My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"

    Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free

    I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..

    Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.

    now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".

    I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy

    I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.

    Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?

    Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.

    Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?

    I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.

    There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.

    May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.
    I think you both need love and also romance. True love can conquer many things.
    Firstly, both of you need to let it go, relax and forgive eachother. You both need to think about your daughter and her bright future. Tell her everyday, how much you love her, try being romantic with her most of the time. See it's easy to destroy but it's not that easy to maintain a relationship. We all have flaws and we have to live with them. Try melting her with some romantic dates . I can understand how much of trouble you went through and it's all because you love her truly! No one could ever go through so much for someone if they never loved them . You truly love her and tell her this, try to be great friends . Every relationship needs friendship. And she loves you too and that's the reason why she didn't give up on you even after so much of problems.

    Arguments never helps, turn it to a discussion instead . Appreciate her , compliment her , surprise her these are ways in which you can make her interested in you. Both of you are equally to be blamed for all this, you both lack understanding. Just tell her to forget about everything and be your love forever.
    It's always good to apologise in relationships, apologising doesn't mean that it's your fault , it's just that you value your relationship more than your ego . Tell her sorry for every mistake you did, hug her tight and shower all the love in the universe. Love is so beautiful and precious.
    I am sure, she will definitely melt, she's a human afterall .
    Allah knows the best, I pray that He blesses you both with all the love in the universe .
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    xboxisdead's Avatar
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Nashita View Post
    I think you both need love and also romance. True love can conquer many things.
    Firstly, both of you need to let it go, relax and forgive eachother. You both need to think about your daughter and her bright future. Tell her everyday, how much you love her, try being romantic with her most of the time. See it's easy to destroy but it's not that easy to maintain a relationship. We all have flaws and we have to live with them. Try melting her with some romantic dates . I can understand how much of trouble you went through and it's all because you love her truly! No one could ever go through so much for someone if they never loved them . You truly love her and tell her this, try to be great friends . Every relationship needs friendship. And she loves you too and that's the reason why she didn't give up on you even after so much of problems.

    Arguments never helps, turn it to a discussion instead . Appreciate her , compliment her , surprise her these are ways in which you can make her interested in you. Both of you are equally to be blamed for all this, you both lack understanding. Just tell her to forget about everything and be your love forever.
    It's always good to apologise in relationships, apologising doesn't mean that it's your fault , it's just that you value your relationship more than your ego . Tell her sorry for every mistake you did, hug her tight and shower all the love in the universe. Love is so beautiful and precious.
    I am sure, she will definitely melt, she's a human afterall .
    Allah knows the best, I pray that He blesses you both with all the love in the universe .

  17. #14
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post

    Hey what can I say.. some people are just rubbish at playing the game.


    Why even pretend to love someone or make effort to love someone..

    When the dream of it was better.

    The dunya is a lie for the most part.

    We hear and we obey.


    It's just a different sort of understanding to your own.

    Kind of like those people who say, do good things to other people and good things will happen to you..

    And you think..

    Is that why you do good things?
    ..
    ..
    ..But they ain't wrong. Living the lie or loving the lie.. It's a superficial place.


    ..But I wouldn't mind going back to work soon.

    So survival is a little more comfortable.



    O men! Here is a parable set forth! listen to it! Those on whom, besides Allah, ye call, cannot create (even) a fly, if they all met together for the purpose! and if the fly should snatch away anything from them, they would have no power to release it from the fly.Feeble are those who petition and those whom they petition! (Surah Al-Hajj, 73)


    The joke is that everything you do has reprocussions..

    So who wrote the bee?

    Maybe the other guy just wants it more.

    ..sad to be replaced in your own life.
    Last edited by M.I.A.; 05-31-2018 at 07:13 PM.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    I loved what you said... you really know your way with your words

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead View Post
    Wait brother! Hold on. Isn't Islamic law it is illegal or father is forbidden to have custody of his children until the child reaches age seven. At that point then the father can have custody of his children? My understanding that is how it works. No? And you know British law favors mothers over father 100% in everything up to and including if the mother is a drug addict, lesbian or kafir she still have custody of the child vs the father who is Muslim, saleh, good person he is forbidden to have custody. Isn't that how it is in British law? Also isn't in British law a man have to pay child support even if the child doesn't belong to him as long as the mother put his name as the father to the child, DNA or no DNA he have to pay child support until the child reaches like 21 or something, no?

    You cannot possible believe that British law by any mean have any justice in them. It is impossible to ask that from man made law...man.

    As for the brother telling her he is the head of the household..that ship sailed at the beginning. He cannot be the head of the household or even if he tried there will be no harmony in this relationship, because his wife will make sure no harmony is ever possible. Honestly in my humble opinion this relationship is over. But..meh...what do I know!
    Perhaps that is how Islamic law works, I wouldn't know. That is hardly relevant though, they do not live in a jurisdiction that recognizes such law. It is absurd to expect or require him to abide her picking and mixing Islamic and British law according to whatever currently advantages her over him.

    Don't believe everything you read on the manosphere. Under British law, the man can contest his paternity if he's ready to pay for the DNA test. If the test shows negative, no more child support, and he gets the test refunded too.

    I know well enough how over the relationship is, one might even say it never truly began. That's why, if she wants to come back, he will have to insist on an extreme show of good faith from her. Unconditional submission would be a start.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Intresting... !

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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Nashita View Post
    I think you both need love and also romance. True love can conquer many things.
    Firstly, both of you need to let it go, relax and forgive eachother. You both need to think about your daughter and her bright future. Tell her everyday, how much you love her, try being romantic with her most of the time. See it's easy to destroy but it's not that easy to maintain a relationship. We all have flaws and we have to live with them. Try melting her with some romantic dates . I can understand how much of trouble you went through and it's all because you love her truly! No one could ever go through so much for someone if they never loved them . You truly love her and tell her this, try to be great friends . Every relationship needs friendship. And she loves you too and that's the reason why she didn't give up on you even after so much of problems.

    Arguments never helps, turn it to a discussion instead . Appreciate her , compliment her , surprise her these are ways in which you can make her interested in you. Both of you are equally to be blamed for all this, you both lack understanding. Just tell her to forget about everything and be your love forever.
    It's always good to apologise in relationships, apologising doesn't mean that it's your fault , it's just that you value your relationship more than your ego . Tell her sorry for every mistake you did, hug her tight and shower all the love in the universe. Love is so beautiful and precious.
    I am sure, she will definitely melt, she's a human afterall .
    Allah knows the best, I pray that He blesses you both with all the love in the universe .
    I would say this is good advice if both husband and wife are sincerely committed to marriage. If what he says though is even remotely true and representative of the situation, she evidently is not. To blame them equally is absurd. He has been patient, she has broken commitments and trust time and again, and made no visible effort towards the marriage whatsoever.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Quote Originally Posted by Futuwwa View Post
    Perhaps that is how Islamic law works, I wouldn't know. That is hardly relevant though, they do not live in a jurisdiction that recognizes such law. It is absurd to expect or require him to abide her picking and mixing Islamic and British law according to whatever currently advantages her over him.

    Don't believe everything you read on the manosphere. Under British law, the man can contest his paternity if he's ready to pay for the DNA test. If the test shows negative, no more child support, and he gets the test refunded too.

    I know well enough how over the relationship is, one might even say it never truly began. That's why, if she wants to come back, he will have to insist on an extreme show of good faith from her. Unconditional submission would be a start.
    I never said he should mix man made law with Allah's law to meet her desires. I am saying he should only follow Allah's law and not man made law. He should not rely on man made law at all...that is wrong. He should put all his trust exclusively into Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa). As for him asking for unconditional submission..that ship have sailed, man! At the beginning of the relationship is when the man puts his foot down...right at the beginning. Ones he fails and let her have her way he lost all control of his ship. He simply have handed her his pants and said to her you are my boss..I obey and submit to your will (I would not mind that myself had he get the exact same reward if a wife did obey her husband. Picture entering from seven doors of Jannah if a husband obeyed his wife, but since that is not the case and there is no ahedth that says a man get to enter from seven doors of jannah by obeying his wife, it is not a very enticing thing to do to lose your right and give it to your wife. There is no gain in this, except hardship and misery with no reward in the end).

    Concerning the custody rights, do not get me wrong in one ounce bit. I am saying this because I only fear Allah (Subahanahu Wa Tala). I only obey Allah and all his prophets (peace be upon them). If Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) was to say that only women have right to children and there is no such thing as father's right and fathers are irrelevant, I will obey and submit. Regardless of my desires. No question about it. But Allah (Subhanahu Wa talaa) did not decree that, Al-hamdolilah he did not. Allah (Subhanahiu Wa talaa) have given fathers their right at a certain point of time. I obey and do not object. I follow Islamic law regardless if I live in Atheist law world. Allah (Subhaanahu Wa Talaa) decree that only the female have custody of children during certain age range starting from the mother and going down the list. I do not object or complain or question it. If the mother is unfit and her mother is then her mother get custody. At that point her mother have more right to the custody of the child than the actual father. If her mother is unfit it goes down the list of female family line. However, there is this huge misconception when the female get custody of the child the father have no right in raising the child and he have no right in seeing the child and he have no right in bonding with the child and he have no right period. I want an actual ahadeeth that back the idea that when the mother have custody of the child, the father have zero right and she can prevent him from seeing the child or bonding with the child. Show me this ahadeth. Please. Where is it?

    Now, ones the child reaches age seven then the father have right of custody of the child. Sadly...majority of the time and I would say huge amount of the time..ONLY MEN actually fear Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) in this regard and obey the rule of Allah. Majority of the time women do not fear Allah at all when it comes to custodial right of the father. The proof is in the putting. Majority of the time women poison the child against the father at the young age in hopes when the father actually get his right the child does not want to leave his/her mother because father is a bad person. Majority of the time the mother cut ties between father and child and when the child reaches age 7 she refuse to give the father custody of the child until the child reaches adult hood. So we have majority of the time children being raised by single mothers....and majority of them barely have any connection between their fathers and we have a new generation of this. Now it is getting worse and worse, because majority of the time we fulfill only our desires and that is that. No one cares about even obeying Allah's law when it comes to family matters and rights, even in many other laws Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) decreed. So please do not complain or feel shocked what is happening in our Muslim countries. You are aware that in the African community over 70% of children are raised by single mothers and over 70% of men are in prison and majority of girls are over sexualized and being raped and molested and have children while they are children themselves and repeat the cycle. So many now men are unfit to be men period, have little education, school drop out, anti-social behavior, have no lineage, raised by single mothers, etc, etc. It is a disaster. Why? Because we have the misconception that only women are fit to be parents. Men are not fit to be parents and not designed to be parents. Why? Because he does not breast feed and his raising method is different than a mother. Just because it is different it is wrong!

    No one question that the child need different raising that only fathers can bring to the equation and no mother can do it as good as a father no matter how hard we try to marginalize his role. Even outside male role models like uncle, grandfather are simply bandage to an open wound (when the child have no dad in his life).

    If you think I am trying to give her more power to go against him for custodial rights, you are 100% wrong. I am saying we should obey Allah and all his prophet and not man made law and the OP should fear Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) and not fight for custody when the child is infant stage. He should wait until she reaches a certain age and make sure he is constantly in contact with the child and have say in raising the child.

    BIGGEST mistake he opened to himself is married that. That is the biggest mistake ever. He really should have waited before having a child. Serious.
    Last edited by xboxisdead; 06-01-2018 at 02:18 AM.
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    Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma

    Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu. This sounds like yet another wacky, seriously crazy story on a Muslim discussion forum. If she is as you describe, she sounds like a very selfish and manipulative woman who only married you for gold and maybe status as somebody's wife. She definitely seems to have given her heart to the other guy who might be a married man. If that's the case, you can't win her back. Consider a divorce before she continues manipulating you for not 4 but 40 years!!!
    | Likes Imraan, Zzz_ liked this post


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