Why Do Muslim Men Always Want Babies Right Away?

I advise you to select a man for marriage who is considerate, understand your health problem and can wait till the doctor advise you to conceive the baby but you may face some problems in pregnancy as fertility begins to decline after 30 years onwards.

Having own baby without bearing labor pain isn't possible.

So please set your priorities and go ahead.

May Allah swt make it easy for you. Ameen

format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimahRo

Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu.- I talked to some guys online and it seems that almost all Muslim men want babies right after marriage, no matter what their age.- I am the intellectual sort and I have some genetic health issues.- I have had and still have a stressful life and an annoying family I am still trying to escape.- Because of that and the huge responsibility raising children entails, especially in an unislamic environment, I have no desire to have children.- I would like to marry somebody who does want children.- We have only been talking online for two weeks.- I don't know what to do.- I really want to marry him but I don't want to have babies.- He mentioned having babies twice and I said that I don't want to have children anytime soon.- What should I do?- I could change my mind later if we get married but even then, it would have to be some years from now.- If I finally escape my wacky family, I want to feel my independence and enjoy life to the extent I can.- Another issue is due to my health problems, pregnancy could be potentially deadly for me or it could make my autoimmune conditions worse.- Surrogacy is an option but some scholars say that it is haram.- I am not so sure anymore.- Also, I don't want sickly babies.- I have been sick most of my life.- Over time, I became sicker through many years.- Alhamdulillah I am somewhat better now.- I want to be able to live and enjoy life finally like most young people.- I am 35.- I don't want to lose the rest of my youth. I feel that I have a right to get married without being worried about getting pregnant and having babies. Even the very idea of pregnancy is scary to me. Labor seems extremely painful. C-sections leave scars and are also painful afterwards. What should I do? I don't want to be single and alone for the rest of my life. I have never had any love
I want to have somebody to love and to be loved by for the rest of my life and Forever. May Allah have mercy upon us and help us. Amin.

Walaikum Asalam

The best option would be to marry someone who also doesn't want or simply can't have children. These guys are out there, you just have to look.

If you change your mind later on, raising an orphan is always an option. You don't need to go through pregnancy to raise a child, in fact, since you said you have genetic issues, I'd strongly advise against having a child since it's pretty likely your child will inherit those problems too.

format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimahRo

Assalam walaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu.- I talked to some guys online and it seems that almost all Muslim men want babies right after marriage, no matter what their age.- I am the intellectual sort and I have some genetic health issues.- I have had and still have a stressful life and an annoying family I am still trying to escape.- Because of that and the huge responsibility raising children entails, especially in an unislamic environment, I have no desire to have children.- I would like to marry somebody who does want children.- We have only been talking online for two weeks.- I don't know what to do.- I really want to marry him but I don't want to have babies.- He mentioned having babies twice and I said that I don't want to have children anytime soon.- What should I do?- I could change my mind later if we get married but even then, it would have to be some years from now.- If I finally escape my wacky family, I want to feel my independence and enjoy life to the extent I can.- Another issue is due to my health problems, pregnancy could be potentially deadly for me or it could make my autoimmune conditions worse.- Surrogacy is an option but some scholars say that it is haram.- I am not so sure anymore.- Also, I don't want sickly babies.- I have been sick most of my life.- Over time, I became sicker through many years.- Alhamdulillah I am somewhat better now.- I want to be able to live and enjoy life finally like most young people.- I am 35.- I don't want to lose the rest of my youth. I feel that I have a right to get married without being worried about getting pregnant and having babies. Even the very idea of pregnancy is scary to me. Labor seems extremely painful. C-sections leave scars and are also painful afterwards. What should I do? I don't want to be single and alone for the rest of my life. I have never had any love
I want to have somebody to love and to be loved by for the rest of my life and Forever. May Allah have mercy upon us and help us. Amin.

w/salaam wr wb,

May Allah make it easy for you and grant your good desires. Ameen.

Although, two weeks sounds very fast to make a decision with someone and I would suggest slowing down and performing Istikharaa, if it's good for you, one's mind and heart becomes at ease with the person. Maybe by being with him and in a happier environment (since your home appears to be turmoil) health conditions would considerably improve. Genetically, sometimes things may or may not be passed to children. It's a risk. However, your statement- "pregnancy could be potentially deadly for me or it could make my autoimmune conditions worse" concerns me. I think if you can through rightful means ascertain that this is a good person for you, then go one step at a time, if he agrees. Both of you can arrive at a decision, sometimes we can't have everything we want, but we shouldn't deny ourselves some of the favours/blessings we do recieve and that has come into our lives. Also, by being grateful we recognized that Allah has accepted our duas or bestowed upon us His mercies and due to this gratitude maybe we recieve more.

" And whoever is grateful, he is only grateful for the benefit of his own self" (Luqman 31:12).
"If you are grateful, I will surely give you more and more" (Ibrahim 14:7).
" If you are grateful, He is pleased with you..." (Az-Zumar 39:7).

Provided this individual is trustworthy (in deen, character etc) and willing to accept your situation, I'll advise go ahead with it. Insha'Allah the future unfolds favourably.

format_quote Originally Posted by Supernova

I certainly don't regard you as the intellectual type is you said you spoke to "some" people online and then suddenly concluded that ALL men want the same thing.

That is far from intellectual.

I am happy that men are voicing out these issues of male generalizing or sexism toward men

I am not going to feed the fighting that goes in on many discussion forums but I will state for the record that most men want children and a lot of them don't care if they impregnate their wives on the wedding night. I have heard of many cases like that. I don't know what the fun is in that. I want the honeymoon period to last more than a year, where you get the newly-wed feeling without the burden of rearing a baby. Actually, although I didn't talk to a lot of men, I communicated with or read enough profiles on Muslim matrimonial sites to see a pattern of guys who said they wanted to start a family right away. That might work for many couples, but it doesn't work for me.

Re: Cookiemilk

Jazak Allah khair. Delicious name by the way! I like your advice. I already told him my main health problems two nights ago. He said that he also has some similar problems and was understanding. He said that he would help me be healthy. That was sweet. A number of my maternal relatives have similar health issues and most of them are/were married and have one or more children. They are not severely ill or anything. They have issues but a lot of these health and psychological and neurological issues are more common nowadays in our increasingly toxic world. So if I did have a baby, it's not like he would be severely sick or something. I will consider it if we get married. Just not right now.

- - - Updated - - -

Re: Al Khorasani

Jazak Allah khair. I like you thought of trying to marry a guy who also doesn't want children. I even contacted several who stated on their profiles that they didn't want children or were not sure. However, those guys usually didn't seem to care that I also didn't want children. One even blocked me recently. I wasn't really even interested in him as he wasn't exactly my type. I had just written that I also didn't want children and guys like that were hard to find online and that I was curious as to why he didn't want children. Anyway, good riddance. Based on my experience, many guys who stated that they want children still seemed interested in me even though I clearly stated that I don't want children.

format_quote Originally Posted by Hamza Asadullah

My sister you have to be very careful about talking to guys online particularly those who are abroad as many of them will say anything to be able to marry women living in the west so that they can get a marriage visa, and after they recieve permanent stay they make off. Also many of them are already married and looking for second wives in western countries or just to get permanent stay so they can bring their families. This is also evident in your last statement where you mtnioned that these guys still talk to you even though you have made it clear that you are not interested in having any children. So be very careful sister and do not get into unneceesery conversations with these men.

You state that you are talking to a potential whom you are considering for marriage having spoken to him for "two weeks". Is this the same guy you mentioned in your other thread that you want to go and visit him abroad? SubhanAllah sister be very careful. I can understand your situation at home with your family and you being in your mid thirties, craving companionship and your situation is frustrating you. But please be very careful and do not rush into anything especially when it comes to marriage. You state that you do not want children but he does but then he is also still interested in you. Sister the signs are there. There are many decievers and predators out there especially on these websites who are looking for easy pickings and women desperate for marriage/companionship so that they may charm and decieve them to get what they want.

Of course the vast majority of guys do want children and it seems you are not even fully sure yourself. Firstly you have to be very clear about what you want. If you specifically do not want children then you have to be clear about this with potentials and on your profile, that you are only interested in talking to potentials who also do not want any/more children. You may also have to consider divorcees/widowers and older men who do not want any/more children.

With regards to surrogacy then it must take place only between the husband and wife. There should be no third party involvement in any shape or form as the sperm can only be the husbands. Please read the following for more details:

http://islamqa.org/hanafi/daruliftaa/7822

You can always adopt as you have not mentioned that in your post. But you must search for someone who wants the same as you and preferrabley in the same country because of your lack of mahrams and due to the risks involved marrying men from abroad.

May Allah find you a good spouse who wants the same things as you. Ameen

I have a question to ask you. You said surrogacy is harraam. I accept and submit to the ruling. What about in the future..people can have babies outside the womb of a female body completely...artificial womb outside the human body. What is the ruling there? Does the ruling still applies between a man and a woman and it have to be husband and wife?

I would advise you to consider the fact that you are already 35. Your fertility is declining. You might be able to afford to wait a year or two, but not much more if you want to have a reasonable assurance of ever getting pregnant and successfully carrying to term. That's one or two years from present date, not from when you manage to get married.

It's pretty much now or never. I'm not saying which of the two you should choose, just realize that there isn't much of a third option when considering what to do.

Re: Futuwwa

I actually don't want children nor do I want to get pregnant. However, if I do get married and having a child is so important to my husband, then I will think about it. Also, I never directly told this guy that I don't want children. It was on my profile but I noticed that a lot of guys don't remember everything from profiles. He mentioned early on that I should marry soon because women have a small chance of getting pregnant after 40. Another time he mentioned pregnancy and I said that I don't want babies anytime soon. I just don't think having babies is a good idea for me. I noticed that this person has some emotional issues. I have my own issues, too. So it's not a good idea to have babies period. Dealing with children with emotional issues is difficult.

If your fear is not out of legitimate reason or actual evidence that might suggest your risk of dying from pregnancy or birth being higher than normal health women then that isnt really an excuse. And you should know that islam highly encourages individuals to increase in numbers and is considered a great blessing from Allah AWJ to have children.

If your fear is from a legitimate reason such as having a higher risk of death from pregnancy or birth (whether its because your physique is too weak to bear a child or your pelvic bone is too narrow to let a baby's head through) then ofc its ok and you shouldn't take the risk of bearing a child. Even a reason such as not being able to provide an islamic environment for the child to grow up in and running that risk of him not growing to be a muslim can be a reason to consider for not having a child, but that needs further investigation.

Like azc said. Get your priorities straight! If the pregnancy and bearing a child may harm your health and well being then islamically your advised not to have one (at least thats according to what i have learned and understood from my teachers and my personal research, and i highly recommend you do your own research too).

Finally with regards to your comment about all men wanting to have kids right after marriage then thats not always the case. Perhaps you feel like this cause most of the men you met are in the same age range as you and in many cultures that is considered the last few years before it may become impossible for them to comfortably support kids financially, physically and psychologically . But many of the guys that i know would rather hold off/refrain from having kids till they've had their fill of adventure of travelling around the world with their spouse and then settling. So i do understand where your coming from and i do understand your concerns, its just that i dont know why these gents would even contact you when you already stated in your profile that your not looking to have children any time soon. May Allah fill that void of loneliness and feeling of despair by bringing someone in your life that would raise your levels of imaan and fulfill all your worldly needs as well.

Assalamualaikum.

I am a widower with children. In Shaa Allah, I will remarry. But I don't want to have more child although she doesn't have child.

Unmarried men, or widower/divorced men without children usually want to have child if they get married. But men with children are not always. So, sister, if you want to have husband who does not require you to have baby, the best choice is marry a man with children. However, the consequence is, you must be ready to become stepmother.

Babies are cute?... lul

format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimahRo

Re: Futuwwa

I actually don't want children nor do I want to get pregnant. However, if I do get married and having a child is so important to my husband, then I will think about it. Also, I never directly told this guy that I don't want children. It was on my profile but I noticed that a lot of guys don't remember everything from profiles. He mentioned early on that I should marry soon because women have a small chance of getting pregnant after 40. Another time he mentioned pregnancy and I said that I don't want babies anytime soon. I just don't think having babies is a good idea for me. I noticed that this person has some emotional issues. I have my own issues, too. So it's not a good idea to have babies period. Dealing with children with emotional issues is difficult.

Then I would advise you to find a husband who does not want children either. If you are already now resenting the thought of losing your freedom due to motherhood, that's nothing compared to how it will be after baby is born. In worst case, it will poison you against your husband for having (in your mind) coerced you to motherhood.

If you can't find a man who doesn't want any children, maybe also go for men who have children from earlier marriages and don't intend on having any more. You would probably be expected to help take care of them, but more as a nanny than as a foster mother. If they're at least a few years old, it's way easier than raising a baby from birth.