Writing My Heart Out (Chronologically) (TL;DR Included At the Bottom)

So I joined this website today, and I was welcomed warmly. I wrote my introduction post out of teen angst, which contained swear words (I wish I did not swear; it is so not like me!) I also wrote that God hates me. That is not true (I hope..). However, I think it is more wise to say that God is putting me through some challenges and I just do not know how to solve them.

2004: It was the 9th of May, 2004. I was born, much to my parents' disappointment. They expected a boy. I do not blame them for wanting a boy, but they still keep telling me how much of a disappointment I was -- and it just breaks me.


2013: I was getting bullied at school. I hated myself. I was still pre-pubescent, 8-years-old, so I did not really have things figured out yet. Every day, I went to school expecting the bullies to just go away, but it did not happen. I decided to make up excuses to stay out of school; I would say to my parents that I am sick, got diarrhea, threw up on the pillow last night, my legs hurt, my back is killing me, and many other falsities. Eventually, my parents caught up to my tricks and, tired, decided to finally send me to school again. On the night before the day my parents supposedly wanted me to attend school, I played my dirtiest trick possible -- I acted like I was seeing a paranormal being. I did not even think it through -- all I knew was that I had to stay out of school, away from the bullies. So I acted it all out. I forced myself to cry in fake fear and ran into my mother's arms. Sympathetically, they decided to not send me to school. Unfortunately for me, the sympathy did not last long. They said that is no reason to stay out of school. So I just acted like it got worse. I kept lying to them.

Eventually, my parents visited the school to the staff I was recovering from something. My father explained everything to them -- and guess what? The staff said I was too unfit and a possible threat to the students. Yes, I got expelled from school. My parents kept trying to get me into schools, but I would purposefully fail the entrance tests. I was too traumatized by the bullying.


2015: Still the same, except that I found out there is this thing such as "homeschooling." I recommended it to my parents, but they disregarded the idea -- they thought it was ridiculous and made-up. I also hit puberty...


2016: Still failing entrance tests on purpose (if you do not know what entrance tests are, they are basically tests we take here where I live before being accepted into a school. The score we achieve on the test determines whether the school will admit us, or no), I eventually ended up angering my parents. They were mad at me and even suspected me of failing the tests on purpose. I knew something had to be done. I knew that if they caught up to my tricks, I would be done for. So, I, somehow, managed to convince them about the online school/homeschool (K12; search it up). I knew I had to gather information about it. And that is exactly what I did. I gathered their contact information, office address, and other helpful tidbits and consulted my parents about it. I kept praying to God to let them put me into this school (remember, I did not dread education -- just the thought of confronting possible bullies). God listened to me. I got accepted into the school, and my parents were happy.

But then something terrible happened -- I fell in love. It was a crush, not some haram relationship. He was like a good friend -- actually, my only friend at that time (I did not tell him that I had a crush on him; he is rather older than me plus I did not want to risk getting into a haram relationship.


2017: My life was like a normal pre-teen. I was doing homework, taking tests, sometimes attempting to cheat (though that went horribly wrong, so I do not do that anymore.), and trying to get over my crush. He and I stopped talking much. November 2017 was the last time I was in contact with him. We did not have a fight, but we just got busy with school and live rather away from each other.


2018: School was going well and normal. But I kept thinking about my crush. I saw him, so I knew he was alive. The year ended, and I did not talk to him at all. That saddened me. I also ended up failing in school, but it was not due to him. It was because of how my parents decided to take us to their home country at a time I was supposed to be studying... It was my uncle's wedding (in Pakistani culture, not attending a relative's wedding is frowned upon).


2019: Started the new year feeling terrible. Looking back at 2018, I just did not want to exist anymore... And here I still am. I feel so weak. I know a lot of you might be disgusted at me for having a crush, but I really just wish I end up marrying him in the future, when I am old enough -- without any dating (though I do not judge people who date). But he is not my main problem. I am concerned about other stuff more, like my family, bullies, and my social skills.


TL'DR: School, crush, social stress, and family: all these factors are stressing me out.


I hope someone helps me and that no one attacks me, thank you. I am currently 14, and I am just lost navigating this sea of life.


(By the way, I see a lot of people thinking having a crush is being in a relationship. Well, no. When you have a crush, you wish you were in a relationship.)