Writing My Heart Out (Chronologically) (TL;DR Included At the Bottom)

format_quote Originally Posted by Nájlá

Mashaa'allah you write very well, better than me with a degree

You sound very mature for your age mashaa'allah.

I don't really have much of an advice but I'll share what I can.

First of I'm sorry about being a disappointment to your family for being a girl. It must feel horrible. I had the same feelings when I was pregnant with my daughter. My FIRST ever child when husbands family wanted a boy. I became really protective and I made sure I made it clear that I was happy with the birth of my daughter that Allah (SWT), blessed me with.

Having said that, I might understand why your family wanted a boy. Maybe they wanted a boy to look after your sister (when they reach old or leave this world) but now they'll have to think about both of you. Your family loves you though and care very much about you, if they didn't they wouldn't have tried to put into many schools.

I would advise you (don't be upset) to stop using lies, lies become a very bad habit. And we know very well it's forbidden in Islam even "white lies". Be careful.

As for you having a crush... well.. you are at that age growing up to be a women, starting to wanting to be seeing yourself married with a man of your dreams and all those fake fairy tales. truth is you are not in love. And you will either know this the hard way (if you continue to think about this boy/attempt be in a relationship). Or the sensible way (even if it doesn't make sense Now, but you will one day God willing, look back a few years back at this moment of your life and think nope that was definitely not love.)

Please don't think about this boy, try not be around him, don't give him much of your time by thinking about him. As shaytan will only make you want this boy to the extend where you will do haram. I know you don't want to do a haram relationship but shaytan is good at making us do haram.

Think about it in another way, you are 14 I doubt your family is thinking you are at the right age of marriage. So you have plenty of time until the age of marriage that is suitable for you and your parents. So why waste your time thinking so much about the future or with this boy?

You really are at a good age where you have a lot of time and no responsibilities. Use this time to gain more knowledge about Islam, read about the end times (because we are in a very bad time to be), occupy yourself with something useful. Read books, use your hobbies. Etc.

As for the bullying, I wish there was an end to it. And I pray you do not experience it again. But do not let the bullies get the best out of you. Don't let them win. Face your fears and put your trust in Allah (SWT).

Also remember that there is no one free from struggles, we have to struggle. Allah makes us struggle in different ways. As a test and as a mercy from Allah to bring us closer to him and decrease our sins.

And Also remember that Allah (SWT) never puts us in a situation that we cannot handle.

May Allah make things easy for you and give you happiness.

Thank you for your reply and other kind words. I just want to say this guy I have a crush on is not some sort of idiot. He is really respectful. There is a reason I like him. And I do not spend much time around him. Most of the time it is like a little encounter every now and then -- not like hanging out and stuff. And as for my family wanting their son to take care of them, that is true. Even though I have told them that I want to get a job some day and support them, they destroy my hopes and dreams. My parents are okay with me getting a degree someday...but not a job? What kind of logic is that? I really just want to be a doctor, not whatever haram things they imagine.

format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*

Assalamu Alaikum

One of your biggest issues stems from self confidence. I know how hard it is to have low self esteem at your age, and it's especially hard when you've been bullied. It's sad that you had to go through that. You should absolutely focus on finishing school right now because if you truly want to be independent and self-reliable, then you have to prove to yourself AND your parents that you are moving along the path towards success. So far it seems that what your parents are seeing is that you're a quitter and that you're afraid, and this may be one of the reasons that they are not taking you seriously. Also with your parents, you will always be their child. Even if you are 50 years old. I understand that maybe they would have preferred a boy, but that is probably because a boy tends to be given more responsibility for the parents in their old age and can easily communicate with other males if certain things need to be done. When your parents get old, they would prefer to live with their son than their daughter if it had to come down to that because of the fact that their son would be the head of the household in his own home. Anyways, this is all irrelevant for now. The point is that you shouldn't take it to heart. This is just something due to society and a lot of girls experience this. It is wrong of them to mention it because it's Allah who grants them children, but may allah guide them for their wrongdoings. Be kind to them and treat them respectfully, that is what YOU can do, even if it is not returned.

Now in regards to your crush, this is normal and your feelings will definitely change with time. And I'm sorry to break it to you, but yes it does have a bit to do with hormones even though you see some good qualities in him. Boys tend to change A LOT too as they get older, so it may be this person will not be suitable for you later. In any case, it is always a good idea to keep in mind the good qualities you would like in a person for marriage. Eventually girls tend to forget the important qualities and focus on things that don't matter such as looks or money.

The great thing about being your age is that if you really put the effort and focus, you can truly be successful starting young and it can carry into adulthood. Don't feel too sad or helpless because Allah is always near and feeling that way will not get you anywhere. I know you feel like your hands are tied because you rely on your parents, but you can try to seek new skills, volunteer, etc. This will give you experiences better than you thought.

Thank you for the reply. I do not like my crush for money or looks. It is who is as a person. And I do not agree with my parents' ancient beliefs about male = superiority. I want them to treat both genders with equality. Plus, I would hate to see them pressurize my younger brother for everything. .

format_quote Originally Posted by Pink_Uniqueorn

Thank you for the reply. I do not like my crush for money or looks. It is who is as a person. And I do not agree with my parents' ancient beliefs about male = superiority. I want them to treat both genders with equality. Plus, I would hate to see them pressurize my younger brother for everything. .

First of all, it is not about male superiority. Males are simply different than we are and we have different responsibilities. Denying that would be as absurd as saying men should be the ones to nurse babies, that we should all walk on the ceiling and that the sky is green. There are facts in life that simply are and that we just need to accept as they cannot be changed.


Now from what I understand, you have an older sister. You parents might have just said they wanted a boy no meaning they were disappointed you were a girl. But simply it is nice to have a balanced family. I have 3 boys myself, and for my younger 2, I did wish for a girl. Not because I am unhappy that they are boys but it is normal for parents to want to know what it is like to have a son and what it is like to have a daughter. As you have a younger brother, their wish was answer and I am sure they are very happy about it. Keep in mind that you are 14, so you being to understand everything that your parents are saying. Yet you are still learning. Be careful not to widen the meaning of things you hear them say.


As for a crush, you are now a young woman. It is expected that you will feel these things. What is important is how you act when that happens. That is why it is not good for you to mix with boys as it creates situation where this sort of thing can happen. There are of course situation where you will interact with men when it is needed. But those situation should be limited as much as practical. May I ask why was it that you were seeing that friend so much?

format_quote Originally Posted by Mandy

First of all, it is not about male superiority. Males are simply different than we are and we have different responsibilities. Denying that would be as absurd as saying men should be the ones to nurse babies, that we should all walk on the ceiling and that the sky is green. There are facts in life that simply are and that we just need to accept as they cannot be changed.



Now from what I understand, you have an older sister. You parents might have just said they wanted a boy no meaning they were disappointed you were a girl. But simply it is nice to have a balanced family. I have 3 boys myself, and for my younger 2, I did wish for a girl. Not because I am unhappy that they are boys but it is normal for parents to want to know what it is like to have a son and what it is like to have a daughter. As you have a younger brother, their wish was answer and I am sure they are very happy about it. Keep in mind that you are 14, so you being to understand everything that your parents are saying. Yet you are still learning. Be careful not to widen the meaning of things you hear them say.


As for a crush, you are now a young woman. It is expected that you will feel these things. What is important is how you act when that happens. That is why it is not good for you to mix with boys as it creates situation where this sort of thing can happen. There are of course situation where you will interact with men when it is needed. But those situation should be limited as much as practical. May I ask why was it that you were seeing that friend so much?

Hello, there. Thanks for the reply. Let me start by saying I do not have a problem with people anticipating a certain gender before or during pregnancy. In fact, I know many girls my age who have imagined their dream families already. However, what troubled me so much is that they told me about how I actually disappointed them. My father literally got mad at my mother for giving birth to me. And oftentimes my mother says that she wishes me and my sister were born males simply because we messed up a single task or something related to it. My parents do not exactly hate me (I think? I hope?) and neither do I hate them, but their parenting methods are questionable. My father also used to be abusive towards my sister in the past (luckily, not anymore).

As for the gender roles you mentioned, I would not have been bothered by my brother being their sole supporter if they did not provoke me by making me feel like a sack of dirt. My mother also keeps changing her mind (I do not know why). Sometimes she says that she wants all of her children to be super educated and earn money and support her and our father -- that makes me so happy. Then sometimes she literally says she does not believe in me and my sister and that her son = life support. I really do not understand her -- I do not understand myself either, actually.

Now remains the question of my crush. I was expecting someone to ask what you have asked: why exactly was I seeing him so much? Good question, really. So I am assuming that you read my post and the timeline of events that have occurred in my life. Of course, I left out a bunch of stuff because I was tired and it was late. The thing was, upon being kicked out of school, all my friends abandoned me. After all, only bad girls get expelled, right? So I was pretty lonely. I remember being lonely and upset one day. He came up to me, to make sure I was okay. He did not make any bad advances or stared at me or something. He simply asked if I was okay -- I do not see what is wrong with that. I was not seeing him so much, actually. In fact, our interactions are limited to like once or twice a year. Nothing sexual or romantic has ever happened (and will not) because -- as I mentioned -- he is a respectable person. I do not go to his house or hang out with him and his friends or something. It is just that if I happen to encounter him, then he asks if I am okay and I ask him, or if it as an encounter where the interaction is necessary (as you mentioned) -- that is all.


I must also say I am not a super-religious person. I do read the Qur'an whenever I am free and aim to pray five times a day, and I also like listening to Islamic stories and lectures, but I am not super-religious. Perhaps that is why my encounters with my crush does not bother me. I hope you understand what I am saying. I feel like I am going to get some hate now.

Unrelated, but I could not reply to your PM because of some PM restriction for new members -- sorry!

I know how hard self confidence issues can be. Just don't let other people's negative, hateful words get to you. At the end of the day, we have no one but Allah, and people are but fleeting members of this dunya, and though it is ok to love them, sometimes they can really be a disappointment. I understand you. You want love. But first realize that people are often disappointments, and often overrated. Seek a connection with Allah. But hey, we're here!

format_quote Originally Posted by SintoDinto

I know how hard self confidence issues can be. Just don't let other people's negative, hateful words get to you. At the end of the day, we have no one but Allah, and people are but fleeting members of this dunya, and though it is ok to love them, sometimes they can really be a disappointment. I understand you. You want love. But first realize that people are often disappointments, and often overrated. Seek a connection with Allah. But hey, we're here!

Thanks for understanding.

format_quote Originally Posted by Pink_Uniqueorn

. I feel like I am going to get some hate now.

Of course you will not receive any hate from us. Many here might remind you of what is prescribed and what would be best. But you are clearly a bright young muslimah who does her best. I am sure no one here would ever be unpolite with you (if it happens, please quickly inform a moderator). We each have a journey in Islam. For some of us, it can be a little less direct than for others, we are just here to hep you along if you so wish

format_quote Originally Posted by Pink_Uniqueorn

However, what troubled me so much is that they told me about how I actually disappointed them. My father literally got mad at my mother for giving birth to me. And oftentimes my mother says that she wishes me and my sister were born males simply because we messed up a single task or something related to it. My parents do not exactly hate me (I think? I hope?) and neither do I hate them, but their parenting methods are questionable. My father also used to be abusive towards my sister in the past (luckily, not anymore).

As for the gender roles you mentioned, I would not have been bothered by my brother being their sole supporter if they did not provoke me by making me feel like a sack of dirt. My mother also keeps changing her mind (I do not know why). Sometimes she says that she wants all of her children to be super educated and earn money and support her and our father -- that makes me so happy. Then sometimes she literally says she does not believe in me and my sister and that her son = life support. I really do not understand her -- I do not understand myself either, actually.

I am sure your parents do not hate you. No parent truly hates their children. But parents are only human, we make mistake as well (even in parenting decisions!). It is indeed weird that they often mentioned "I wish you had been a boy". Maybe the way they told you and how it came across was not how they wanted to sound. I do not know the exact words they use (and they probably did not say it in english). It is possible they were stressed out over something (not related to you) and were just venting. You mentioned education and studying. Is it possible your parents are stressed because of the cost of studies? Depending where you live, these can be very expensive (you mentioned wanting to be a doctor, that is usually one of the most expansive career choice). Maybe they are just not sure how to tell you that they cannot pay to send you all to do advance studies. It might be something else. But keep in mind that there is an explanation. You simply probably do not yet know about it.

Being the only son, you brother will indeed be the main life support in the long term. It does not mean you cannot help. But for a bunch of reasons, it is often easier for men to care for their parents than it would be for a woman. You will eventually have your own children to care for. That being said, every situation is different and if you are able to help, it is even better and you should be proud of that.

format_quote Originally Posted by Pink_Uniqueorn

Now remains the question of my crush. I was expecting someone to ask what you have asked: why exactly was I seeing him so much? Good question, really. So I am assuming that you read my post and the timeline of events that have occurred in my life. Of course, I left out a bunch of stuff because I was tired and it was late. The thing was, upon being kicked out of school, all my friends abandoned me. After all, only bad girls get expelled, right? So I was pretty lonely. I remember being lonely and upset one day. He came up to me, to make sure I was okay. He did not make any bad advances or stared at me or something. He simply asked if I was okay -- I do not see what is wrong with that. I was not seeing him so much, actually. In fact, our interactions are limited to like once or twice a year. Nothing sexual or romantic has ever happened (and will not) because -- as I mentioned -- he is a respectable person. I do not go to his house or hang out with him and his friends or something. It is just that if I happen to encounter him, then he asks if I am okay and I ask him, or if it as an encounter where the interaction is necessary (as you mentioned) -- that is all.

I must also say I am not a super-religious person. I do read the Qur'an whenever I am free and aim to pray five times a day, and I also like listening to Islamic stories and lectures, but I am not super-religious. Perhaps that is why my encounters with my crush does not bother me. I hope you understand what I am saying

I was not trying to be judgemental. Just to remind you of what is prescribed and the reason why it is such.
Just keep in mind that the more you have contact with that young muslim, you are simply putting yourself at risk of being tempted. Simply be aware of the risk and decide what you want to do.

format_quote Originally Posted by Mandy

Of course you will not receive any hate from us. Many here might remind you of what is prescribed and what would be best. But you are clearly a bright young muslimah who does her best. I am sure no one here would ever be unpolite with you (if it happens, please quickly inform a moderator). We each have a journey in Islam. For some of us, it can be a little less direct than for others, we are just here to hep you along if you so wish



I am sure your parents do not hate you. No parent truly hates their children. But parents are only human, we make mistake as well (even in parenting decisions!). It is indeed weird that they often mentioned "I wish you had been a boy". Maybe the way they told you and how it came across was not how they wanted to sound. I do not know the exact words they use (and they probably did not say it in english). It is possible they were stressed out over something (not related to you) and were just venting. You mentioned education and studying. Is it possible your parents are stressed because of the cost of studies? Depending where you live, these can be very expensive (you mentioned wanting to be a doctor, that is usually one of the most expansive career choice). Maybe they are just not sure how to tell you that they cannot pay to send you all to do advance studies. It might be something else. But keep in mind that there is an explanation. You simply probably do not yet know about it.

Being the only son, you brother will indeed be the main life support in the long term. It does not mean you cannot help. But for a bunch of reasons, it is often easier for men to care for their parents than it would be for a woman. You will eventually have your own children to care for. That being said, every situation is different and if you are able to help, it is even better and you should be proud of that.





I was not trying to be judgemental. Just to remind you of what is prescribed and the reason why it is such.
Just keep in mind that the more you have contact with that young muslim, you are simply putting yourself at risk of being tempted. Simply be aware of the risk and decide what you want to do.

Thank you for your reply. I have no problem with well-meant advice. I think you are right about the expense that comes with my siblings and my education. It is quite expensive. They are also struggling financially in other ways (my paternal side of the family is a greedy bunch). And thank you for opening my eyes and making me see that it is okay to be a woman.

Now what you say about my crush is interesting. You say if I see him a lot, I will be tempted. Actually, it is quite the opposite. I am more tempted to think about when I have not seen him in a while compared to when I actually encounter him every now and then. But it could be different for everyone, so of course what you are saying is not false.

I also hesitated to mention this before, but the boy is probably not Muslim. I do not know what his religion is, but I have overheard him exclaim by mentioning Jesus. I do not even know his birthday exactly -- we just never went into that deep of a conversation because I am really shy...

- - - Updated - - -

I do not have something against non-Muslims, by the way.

format_quote Originally Posted by Nájlá

It's not about the matter of having anything against non Muslims. We should be respecting everyone. But a muslim women CANNOT marry someone who is a non muslim. So please don't think so much about him and just focus on your life.

You spoke so much about your crush, we told you that your age it's normal to have these feelings. But what exactly do you want? you obviously don't want a haram relationship and you are not at the age of marriage. So why are you wasting your time thinking about him?

I know it is forbidden to marry someone who is non-Muslim and that is the main reason I worry, but it is just not easy for me to stop thinking about someone or something. Like, I just cannot force myself to forget something. I do, however, feel like I should mention that my crush is not the biggest of my worries. Yeah, sure, I think about him all the time and he causes me stress every now and then, but I know eventually the crush will go away. Plus, almost every teenager and young adult goes through the phases of love, so I would not really come to an Islamic advice forum to talk specifically about it (I talk about such matters on non-religious forums/websites. I knew asking help for specifically that issue on a Islamic website means inviting brutally honest answers). The real and main problems I am having are parents, school, bullies, and dealing with social stress. I do not blame you all for thinking he is the main force of hardships in my life, but I really think that is the only normal thing in my life. That is why my crush was not mentioned in the original introductory thread I titled "Noob Girl." I only mentioned my crush in this thread to highlight all the events and phases I went and am going through. Sorry if I offended anyone by talking about having a crush.

- - - Updated - - -

But yeah, my writing structure was terrible in the original post, so it seems like the main issue for 2016, 2017, 2018, and 2019 is my crush because I forgot to add in the details about the other problems, but in reality he was just a little addition that did not surprise me. The main problems are not him or my raging hormones -- it is the other stuff I mentioned.

Apologies for the misunderstanding. Guess I am not that skilled of a writer after all.

- - - Updated - - -

I wanted to edit the original post to fix it and add the other information that corresponds with my main problem, but I do not see such an option...

No one was brutal with you. You asked and people gave a true answer. Now only you can decide what you wish to do with those answers.

Brutal honesty does not exactly mean brutality. It is just honesty that is so true, it could even hurt one's feelings. Like how I was told to forget my crush and move on. It does not mean I was viewing you all as brutal; your advice was well-meant and I respect that.

- - - Updated - - -

But thank you for your reply. I appreciate it a lot! <3

I added an edit to the original post to clear the misconceptions people were having about the factors that are stressing me out. The parts that were affected by the editing are, "TL,DR, 2017, 2018, and 2019."

format_quote Originally Posted by Pink_Uniqueorn

So I joined this website today, and I was welcomed warmly. I wrote my introduction post out of teen angst, which contained swear words (I wish I did not swear; it is so not like me!) I also wrote that God hates me. That is not true (I hope..). However, I think it is more wise to say that God is putting me through some challenges and I just do not know how to solve them.

2004: It was the 9th of May, 2004. I was born, much to my parents' disappointment. They expected a boy. I do not blame them for wanting a boy, but they still keep telling me how much of a disappointment I was -- and it just breaks me.


2013: I was getting bullied at school. I hated myself. I was still pre-pubescent, 8-years-old, so I did not really have things figured out yet. Every day, I went to school expecting the bullies to just go away, but it did not happen. I decided to make up excuses to stay out of school; I would say to my parents that I am sick, got diarrhea, threw up on the pillow last night, my legs hurt, my back is killing me, and many other falsities. Eventually, my parents caught up to my tricks and, tired, decided to finally send me to school again. On the night before the day my parents supposedly wanted me to attend school, I played my dirtiest trick possible -- I acted like I was seeing a paranormal being. I did not even think it through -- all I knew was that I had to stay out of school, away from the bullies. So I acted it all out. I forced myself to cry in fake fear and ran into my mother's arms. Sympathetically, they decided to not send me to school. Unfortunately for me, the sympathy did not last long. They said that is no reason to stay out of school. So I just acted like it got worse. I kept lying to them.

Eventually, my parents visited the school to the staff I was recovering from something. My father explained everything to them -- and guess what? The staff said I was too unfit and a possible threat to the students. Yes, I got expelled from school. My parents kept trying to get me into schools, but I would purposefully fail the entrance tests. I was too traumatized by the bullying.


2015: Still the same, except that I found out there is this thing such as "homeschooling." I recommended it to my parents, but they disregarded the idea -- they thought it was ridiculous and made-up. I also hit puberty...


2016: Still failing entrance tests on purpose (if you do not know what entrance tests are, they are basically tests we take here where I live before being accepted into a school. The score we achieve on the test determines whether the school will admit us, or no), I eventually ended up angering my parents. They were mad at me and even suspected me of failing the tests on purpose. I knew something had to be done. I knew that if they caught up to my tricks, I would be done for. So, I, somehow, managed to convince them about the online school/homeschool (K12; search it up). I knew I had to gather information about it. And that is exactly what I did. I gathered their contact information, office address, and other helpful tidbits and consulted my parents about it. I kept praying to God to let them put me into this school (remember, I did not dread education -- just the thought of confronting possible bullies). God listened to me. I got accepted into the school, and my parents were happy.

But then something terrible happened -- I fell in love. It was a crush, not some haram relationship. He was like a good friend -- actually, my only friend at that time (I did not tell him that I had a crush on him; he is rather older than me plus I did not want to risk getting into a haram relationship.


2017: My life was like a normal pre-teen. I was doing homework, taking tests, sometimes attempting to cheat (though that went horribly wrong, so I do not do that anymore.), and trying to get over my crush. He and I stopped talking much. November 2017 was the last time I was in contact with him. We did not have a fight, but we just got busy with school and live rather away from each other.


2018: School was going well and normal. But I kept thinking about my crush. I saw him, so I knew he was alive. The year ended, and I did not talk to him at all. That saddened me. I also ended up failing in school, but it was not due to him. It was because of how my parents decided to take us to their home country at a time I was supposed to be studying... It was my uncle's wedding (in Pakistani culture, not attending a relative's wedding is frowned upon).


2019: Started the new year feeling terrible. Looking back at 2018, I just did not want to exist anymore... And here I still am. I feel so weak. I know a lot of you might be disgusted at me for having a crush, but I really just wish I end up marrying him in the future, when I am old enough -- without any dating (though I do not judge people who date). But he is not my main problem. I am concerned about other stuff more, like my family, bullies, and my social skills.


TL'DR: School, crush, social stress, and family: all these factors are stressing me out.


I hope someone helps me and that no one attacks me, thank you. I am currently 14, and I am just lost navigating this sea of life.


(By the way, I see a lot of people thinking having a crush is being in a relationship. Well, no. When you have a crush, you wish you were in a relationship.)

Sister, I can empathize with you on your situation, you see I was bullied bad when I was a kid as well. People spread rumours, kids who didn’t even know me didn’t like me, and I was always at the bottom. I cried all the time and didn’t want to go to school. But when it came down to school, I remember watching this video about child labour. And there was this child forced to work in a farm for his family because they were too poor.

The kid was crying and he said his that he wished to go to school, I also heard stories about girls in Africa who didn’t have the chance to go to school because they were walking kilometres with water jugs on their heads, and had to stay home while the boys were off to school.

This reminded me why I was at school and how privileged I was as a girl to go to school. So despite the bullying I went to school with the intent in mind that I was getting an education. If you intend to become a doctor and make a good sum of money in a future career your likely going to need a high level of education and top marks. That can’t be achieved without consistent attendance and determination.

Remember the end goal, and don’t fear the past. I had many troubles making friends because of the bullying, and I became afraid to socialize, but then I just continued to be my authentic self and didn’t let the people who didn’t like me mould me, eventually I was able to go to school regularly, make friends, and the bullying subsided after a while.

Don’t be afraid to tackle your fear and achieve your goals. Have trust in allah, and realize that you still have lots of time to grow as a person. And believe me, your parents probably still love you a lot, the fact that they continued trying to help you get into different schools shows that they haven’t given up on you.