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  1. #1
    Stoic's Avatar
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    Sallams. Trouble with stepdaughter...

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    She is of puberty age and has sides of her. One is sweet and nice and other is sneaky and mean. Only been in her life for 2 yrs as she was already older so i couldn't really mold her from the beginning. Calling her mother a bad word and always into and talk about opposite gender.
    Need advice and support. Her islamic knowledge is also very little tho we have put her going to islamic classes recently also. I hate using word "IF" and I know it doesn't really matter islamically but if i had been in ger life when she was very young...say 5 yrs old...i believe she would b different. Astaghfirullah

    I believe she is like this becuz of my wife sinful past b4 marrying her astaghfirullah...
    Last edited by Stoic; 04-18-2019 at 07:21 AM.

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    Islami.mu'min's Avatar
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    Re: Sallams. Trouble with stepdaughter...

    Hard situation brother. Try to make dua. I suggest that you allow her to trust you and be gentle with her. Try to tell her about Islam and let her watch lectures. Show her your good side and relate it to Islam.

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    HabibUrrehman's Avatar
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    Re: Sallams. Trouble with stepdaughter...

    Quote Originally Posted by Stoic View Post
    She is of puberty age and has sides of her. One is sweet and nice and other is sneaky and mean. Only been in her life for 2 yrs as she was already older so i couldn't really mold her from the beginning. Calling her mother a bad word and always into and talk about opposite gender.
    Need advice and support. Her islamic knowledge is also very little tho we have put her going to islamic classes recently also. I hate using word "IF" and I know it doesn't really matter islamically but if i had been in ger life when she was very young...say 5 yrs old...i believe she would b different. Astaghfirullah

    I believe she is like this becuz of my wife sinful past b4 marrying her astaghfirullah...
    Assalam O Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh Brother,

    It is very normal for a girl who is going through several social, psychological, hormonal and physical changes. In fact this is very common in all women because they go through several mood swings especially when they are near their periods. This is one of the reason why Muslims can't divorce their wives when their wives are in menstruating.

    Anyways, whatever has happened is past and none of us can change that but we can make an attempt to build better relationship with our family members. The very first thing which you and your wife need to realize that your children are a trust from Allah, and He will ask how they were raised. If the children do not grow up practicing Islam because of their parents' negligence, it is not going to be pretty in this life or the next. So take this job very seriously.

    You and your wife should read some books on parenting skills. Please don't take me wrong. I am sure you both have your ways to raise kids and they may be good but it is always good to read other opinions and reflect on them. I have benefited immensely from this and I will advise you to do the same. Below are some of the books I recommend you to read:

    • Positive Parenting in the Muslim Home
    • Parenting skills based on Quran and Sunnah
    • Muslim Teens : Today's Worry, Tomorrow's Hope: A Practical Islamic Parenting Guide

    And of course you can find plenty of other book son this topic. There are some other important things you and your wife can put into practice to raise a teen age girls or boys. I will list few below:

    1. Respect your teens. It simply means not treating them like inept babies, but like maturing adults, not talking down to them or humiliating and insulting them. It means involving them in useful activities around the home and seeking their opinions on matters of importance. Give them options and let them choose at their own. This is give them confidence and will feel as an important part of the family whose opinion is valued and respected.
    2. Be a good role model for your kids. We can't raise good Muslim kids if we don't practice Islam. Our kids can go to Sunday schools and learn about Islam but when they don't see us practicing Islam then we don't set good example for our kids to follow. Reserve just 10-20 minutes of your time to share a hadith and few verses with translation from Quran. This could be anytime before Fajr, or after Fajr, or right after Maghreb or may be before going to bed. You will soon watch the snowball effect. You will, Insha Allah, reconnect with Allah, and in the long run, develop into a role model helping your whole family, not just your teen daughter.
    3. Try to have time together in the form of having dinner together as a whole family or watching a movie together. Now few folks here may say that watching movies are haram. I may agree with them if kids are raised on Islamic education from the beginning. Now the time is to implement changes slowly. There is no need to make drastic changes in your and kids life style because this will only make things worse. Anyways the main purpose is to connect with family members. Ask them how their day was. See what's going on in everyone's lives and to consult the family on important issues. The purpose is to elicit discussion and communication between everyone, and to keep up-to-date about what is going on in everyone's life, which gets harder when kids become teenagers.


    I guess I have discussed enough about what you and your wife can do together to have a strong family. Now lets focus only on you and your daughter.
    A father has a huge impact on a daughter when it comes to how a man should treat her and her overall confidence as a woman.
    The way a father treats his daughter will have psychological repercussions throughout the rest of her life. If he reaffirms her actions and choices she will grow to be a confident woman. If he is constantly second guessing her actions she will grow into an insecure woman. Additionally, his active presence in her life will teach her to seek a man with equal qualities and she will not put herself into a position of “actively seeking” love.
    A girl with an active father is also less likely to turn to a man for emotional comfort and support. This leads to a less likely chance of that girl being talked into having sex by that man. All of this plays a huge role in the fact that these same women usually have more fulfilling relationships with men and tend to have longer marriages. Below are few thing which you can do to win the trust and love of your daughter:



    1. Participate in father/daughter activities with her. This can be going on vacations with just her, going on father/daughter dates, or even taking her to work with you.
      It's especially important to "date" your children on an individual level once they hit their teens because they are no longer just "one of the kids". They are young adults who need attention and guidance on an individual level. You can go out on a "date" when your daughter graduates from high school (instead of going to the prom), when she gets her driver's license or if you feel there is something bothering them and you want to address them alone.
    2. Open doors for your daughter and pull out the chair as well! Do things for her to show her the way a real man should treat her. This will show her what she should see in a future spouse and when a man does not do this she will have an easier time “moving on”. Added bonus: bring her flowers!
    3. Talk with your daughter every day. Ask her how her day was and be genuinely interested in what she has to say. Listen to her when she is upset and validate her feelings.
    4. Be sure to tell her how beautiful she looks, consistently! And don’t judge or talk down about other woman around her. If she hears you talking about how fat another woman looks she will instinctively think that you think the same thing about her (or at least that you judge her based on her weight or looks).
    5. Empower your daughter by encouraging her to chase her dreams. Teach them that they are able to accomplish anything they set their mind to.
    6. Always be there for her. This applies to those basketball/volleyball/softball/soccer games but also emotionally. Don’t turn her away because she is crying. “Go see your mother.” Don’t be disgusted by her crying, embrace her and show her how a real man should treat her when she is upset.
    7. Be that protective dad. She needs to know that you are there for her and that she can call you any hour of the day. And when she calls you she knows you will be there for her.
    8. In addition to treating her well you must also treat your spouse well. She will see the way you treat your spouse and will form standards based off of that.


    Finally make duas for your kids and seek guidance for them from Allah Subhanahu Wa Taala. All the best for raising a family with good Muslim values.

    Ma'a Salama
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    Re: Sallams. Trouble with stepdaughter...

    Walaikumasalaam

    Don't give up on her. Keep trying. Keep guiding. It is very tiring and heartbreaking to watch your loved ones go on the wrong path but be patient. Don't shout at her and speak to her in a very caring and conpassionate manner.

    It is not easy for a child to grow up in a 'broken' family...it really does have a lasting impact. Maybe she is resisting you because she is scared you might walk away as well one day? Allah knows best.

    Insha Allah in the end something will trigger in her heart and mind and she will be guided Ameen.


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