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  1. #1
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    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

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    I am an American born Muslim however my parents are non practicing.
    My mom is from here, she was born into a Christian family, but believes Islam to be the truth. My dad is from overseas.

    Growing up my family told me "You are Muslim" & that's it. No prayer, no fasting, no anythingI have maybe seen my dad pray twice in my whole life. He never goes to the local Mosque. He claims it's because he has to stay at his work, that he can't leave (he owns his own business). He does not pray or anything religious unless it is to hurt my mom. He uses religion to hurt her.

    My dad is very emotionally abusive to everyone around him. He is nice to the people who work for him but is very mean to my mom. He hits her and calls her evil names.He gets angry at nothing. He is filled with hate.My mom is very sweet & hardworking. She has severe depression since she was a kid. She is far away from religion as well but because she resents the way her life has turned out.My dad tells me that he is my blood & that my mom is not my blood.

    The more and more abusive he is the further away from Islam & prayer I want to be. Praying, fasting, going to the Mosque...makes HIM happy...and I want to be as far away from him as possible.I am an Arab but I want to be as far away from anything resembling "Arab" as possible.


    I believe in Islam & love God, but I hate Arab men.
    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    You mentioned " and I want to be as far away from him as possible"

    If anything this should bring you closer to Islam because the actions of your father are far from the teachings of Islam

    Dont confuse culture with Islam. Islam is perfect culture is not. Make an effort to study Islam and you will see a bit of Muslim culture is actually unislamic

    Bad people do things and try justify it with religion they may fool the people but they cant fool Allah

    May Allah make things easy for you, this is the month of mercy. Renew your connection to Allah because even your dad may be like this Allah swt showers his mercy on you day and night. Every blessing you have is from him subhanhu wa ta ala
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    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    The sunnah is like the ark of Noah, whoever embarks upon it reaches salvation and whoever refuses is drowned.~ Imam Malik (may Allah have mercy on him)

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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    I am an American born Muslim however my parents are non practicing.
    My mom is from here, she was born into a Christian family, but believes Islam to be the truth. My dad is from overseas.

    Growing up my family told me "You are Muslim" & that's it. No prayer, no fasting, no anythingI have maybe seen my dad pray twice in my whole life. He never goes to the local Mosque. He claims it's because he has to stay at his work, that he can't leave (he owns his own business). He does not pray or anything religious unless it is to hurt my mom. He uses religion to hurt her.

    My dad is very emotionally abusive to everyone around him. He is nice to the people who work for him but is very mean to my mom. He hits her and calls her evil names.He gets angry at nothing. He is filled with hate.My mom is very sweet & hardworking. She has severe depression since she was a kid. She is far away from religion as well but because she resents the way her life has turned out.My dad tells me that he is my blood & that my mom is not my blood.

    The more and more abusive he is the further away from Islam & prayer I want to be. Praying, fasting, going to the Mosque...makes HIM happy...and I want to be as far away from him as possible.I am an Arab but I want to be as far away from anything resembling "Arab" as possible.


    I believe in Islam & love God, but I hate Arab men.
    Praise be to Allah

    Firstly:

    We have explained previously that Islam does not pay attention to differences in colour, race or lineage. All people are descended from Adam, and Adam was created from dust. Rather according to Islam, superiority of some people over others is measured by faith and taqwa (piety, mindfulness of Allah), doing what Allah has enjoined and refraining from what Allah has forbidden.

    At-Tirmidhi (3270) narrated from Ibn ‘Umar that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) addressed the people on the day of the conquest of Makkah and said: “O people, verily Allah has taken away from you the arrogance of Jaahiliyyah and its pride in forefathers. People are of two types: righteous and pious, who are dear to Allah, and doomed evildoers, who are insignificant before Allah. People are the descendants of Adam, and Allah created Adam from dust. Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): ‘O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted’ [al-Hujuraat 49:13].”

    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh at-Tirmidhi.

    Ahmad (22978) narrated from Abu Nadrah: Someone who heard the khutbah of the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) on the second of the days of at-Tashreeq told me that he said: “O people, verily your Lord is One and your father is one. Verily there is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab or of a non-Arab over an Arab, or of a red man over a black man, or of a black man over a red man, except in terms of taqwa. Have I conveyed the message?” They said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) has conveyed the message.

    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Saheehah (6/199).

    Al-Bukhaari (4898) and Muslim (2546) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: We were sitting with the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and Soorat al-Jumu‘ah was revealed to him: “And [He has sent the Prophet to] others of them who have not yet joined them” [al-Jumu‘ah 62:3]. I said: Who are they, O Messenger of Allah? He did not answer him until he had asked three times. Among us was Salmaan al-Faarisi and the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) put his hand on Salmaan and said: “If faith were at the Pleiades, some men from among these people [the Persians] would get it.”

    Al-Bukhaari (5990) and Muslim (215) narrated that ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) say, out loud and not secretly: “The family of Abu Fulaan (the Father of So and so) are not my friends. My friends are Allah and the righteous believers.”

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

    The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) was speaking of a clan that was closely related to him, and pointed out that mere lineage did not make them his friends; rather his friends were Allah and the righteous believers of all backgrounds.

    End quote from Iqtida’ as-Siraat al-Mustaqeem (144).

    See also the answers to questions no. 12391and 3793.

    Secondly:

    Imam Ahmad (17195) narrated: Haywah ibn Shurayh told us: Baqiyyah told us, Baheer ibn Sa‘d told me, from Khaalid ibn Ma‘daan, from ‘Utbah ibn ‘Abd that he said: A man said: O Messenger of Allah, curse the people of Yemen for they are tough fighters and great in number, and their fortresses are well fortified. He said: “No.” Then the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) cursed the non-Arabs, and the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “If they come to you, with their women and carrying their children on their shoulders (then show kindness to them), for they are of me and I am of them.”

    The commentators on Musnad al-Imam Ahmad (ar-Risaalah edn., 29/194) said:

    Its isnad is da‘eef (weak). Baqiyyah – who is the son of al-Waleed – is mudallis [i.e., he engaged in tadlees, which is when a narrator narrates a hadith that he did not hear directly from his shaykh, without mentioning the name of the third party from whom he did hear it, using wording that may or may not give the impression that he heard it directly], and narrated by saying ‘an (“from”, without clearly stating that he heard the hadith himself from another narrator). His hadith cannot be accepted unless it is clearly stated that each stage of the isnad that one narrator heard it directly from another.

    It was also narrated by Ibn Abi ‘Aasim in al-Aahaad wa’l-Mathaani (2280); at-Tabaraani in al-Kabeer (17/304) and in ash-Shaamiyyeen (1139), via ‘Abd al-Wahhaab ibn Najdah al-Hooti; and by Ibn Abi ‘Aasim (2280) from Hishaam ibn ‘Ammaar, both of whom narrated it from Baqiyyah ibn al-Waleed with this isnaad. In ash-Shaamiyyeen it mentions Ismaa‘eel ibn ‘Ayyaash instead of Baqiyyah, and we think it most likely that this is an error on the part of the copyist. End quote.

    Even if we assume that the hadith is saheeh (sound), it is to be understood as referring to those among them who are deserving of being cursed, namely the disbelievers, evildoers and their ilk. These people were only singled out for mention because in most cases they were disbelievers and were misguided, especially at that time.

    Thirdly:

    In the answer to question no. 115934, we noted that Ahl as-Sunnah wa’l-Jamaa‘ah are unanimously agreed that the Arabs are superior to others in terms of descent and lineage, and that regarding the Arabs as superior is in general terms, and does not apply at the individual level. So a non-Arab who is pious and righteous is better than an Arab who falls short in his duties to Allah, may He be exalted.

    Therefore an Arab Muslim cannot be superior to a non-Arab Muslim just because he is an Arab. Rather superiority is based on taqwa (piety, mindfulness of Allah). So whoever is more mindful of Allah and obedient to Him is better than his counterpart, regardless of whether he is an Arab or a non-Arab.

    So the fact that you are not fully Arab does not mean that you are less than one who is fully Arab in terms of virtue and status simply because of that. As is clear from what we have mentioned above, the real standard is faith and righteous deeds.

    Fourthly:

    There were some of the Sahaabah who were not Arabs, such as Salmaan and Miqsam, who were Persians, Bilaal al-Habashi (who was Ethiopian) , Zunayrah ar-Roomiyyah (who was Byzantine), Barakah al-Habashiyyah (who was Ethiopian) and others such as Suhaym the freed slave of Banu’l-Has-haas, Ya‘eesh the slave of Banu’l-Mugheerah, Khaalid ibn al-Hawaari, and Tamaam al-Habashi.

    Al-Haakim (8194) narrated that Ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “I saw (in a dream) many black sheep who were joined by many white sheep.” They said: How did you interpret it, O Messenger of Allah? He said: The non-Arabs will join you in your religion and your lineage.” They said: The non-Arabs, O Messenger of Allah? He said: “If faith were at the Pleiades, some men from among the non-Arabs would get it.”

    Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in as-Saheehah (1018).

    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

    The confirmation of that is seen in the many Persians, both free men and freed slaves, among the Taabi‘een and those who came after them, such as al-Hasan, Ibn Sireen, ‘Ikrimah the freed slave of Ibn ‘Abbaas, and others, and those who came after that of people who were prominent in faith, religious commitment and knowledge, until these prominent figures became better than most of the Arabs.

    Similarly, among types of non-Arabs, such as the Ethiopians, Byzantines, Turks and others, there are people who excelled in faith and religious commitment, too many to be counted, which is something well known to the scholars, because true virtue is in following that with which Allah sent Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) of faith and knowledge, both inwardly and outwardly. So the more strongly a person adheres to it, the better he is, and virtue is only in terms of the praiseworthy qualities mentioned in the Qur’an and Sunnah, such as Islam, faith, righteousness, taqwa, knowledge, righteous deeds, ihsaan and so on. There is no virtue in a person simply being an Arab or non-Arab, or being black or white, or being a city dweller or desert dweller.
    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray


  5. #4
    IslamLife00's Avatar
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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    I am an American born Muslim however my parents are non practicing.
    My mom is from here, she was born into a Christian family, but believes Islam to be the truth. My dad is from overseas.

    Growing up my family told me "You are Muslim" & that's it. No prayer, no fasting, no anythingI have maybe seen my dad pray twice in my whole life. He never goes to the local Mosque. He claims it's because he has to stay at his work, that he can't leave (he owns his own business). He does not pray or anything religious unless it is to hurt my mom. He uses religion to hurt her.

    My dad is very emotionally abusive to everyone around him. He is nice to the people who work for him but is very mean to my mom. He hits her and calls her evil names.He gets angry at nothing. He is filled with hate.My mom is very sweet & hardworking. She has severe depression since she was a kid. She is far away from religion as well but because she resents the way her life has turned out.My dad tells me that he is my blood & that my mom is not my blood.

    The more and more abusive he is the further away from Islam & prayer I want to be. Praying, fasting, going to the Mosque...makes HIM happy...and I want to be as far away from him as possible.I am an Arab but I want to be as far away from anything resembling "Arab" as possible.

    I believe in Islam & love God, but I hate Arab men.

    I feel bad that you are going through that, but it is Allah that created you and you will return to Him. Do you want to return to His mercy, that is jannah, or to His wrath, that is jahannam?

    Whatever happens in your life, what your parents do and do not do, what everyone else in the world is doing and not doing - we are created to worship Him and each soul will be held accountable of its own deeds.

    Never let anything or anyone deter you from attaining His mercy. Our life in this dunya is a test. Strive not to fail.
    | Likes HisServant liked this post
    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Jabir bin 'Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said:'A slave (of Allah) shall not believe until he believes in Al-Qadar, its good and its bad, such that he knows that what struck him would not have missed him, and that what missed him would not have struck him." (Jami 'at Tirmidhi)

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Don't let your dad's bad actions make you think that all Arab men are like that, your dad unfortunately is seriously lacking in good manners, however you must not turn out like him and staying away from the practice of Islam will be resembling your dad in a way as only the bad people disobey Allah.

    Use the example of your dad to be determined to be good yourself so you don't turn out the same!

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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Thank you everyone. He's so mean to his family but very nice & polite to strangers and those who he works with.
    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

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    Nitro Zeus's Avatar
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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    Thank you everyone. He's so mean to his family but very nice & polite to strangers and those who he works with.
    This shows unjust, he must be polite and very nice to his family first, then to strangers, not opposite. That would be wrong.
    | Likes HisServant liked this post

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    HisServant's Avatar
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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    ^ Agreed, Your dad isn't acting righteously. He is responsible for being kind towards his family and leading (all of them) towards Jannah. He is absolutely not allowed to abuse your mom. She's under his authority and he needs to act justly towards those under his power. Below is an Islamic perspective on domestic violence:

    "At the heart of the handful of verses that discuss the ideal relationship between husband and wife in the Quran is the following verse: “And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect” [Quran 30:21]. God also commands men in another verse to “live with your wives in kindness and equity” [4:19], while other verses threaten them with God’s admonishment if they intend harm or actually transgress against their wives [2:231]. Furthermore, there are verses that recognize the complementary nature of marriage by describing spouses as garments for one another [2:187] and reminding believers that men and women are protectors of one another [9:71]. These verses set the standard and paradigm of love, compassion, and mutuality for spousal relationships.
    As for the Prophetic model that every believer should emulate, it is narrated by his wife that, “the Messenger of God, peace and blessings upon him, did not strike a servant or a woman, and he never struck anything with his hand.”[9] It is also narrated that the Prophet Muhammad stated, “An honorable man treats women with honor and respect, and only a despicable person treats women poorly.”[10] Other hadith, or narrations, relate the story of a companion of the Prophet who asked the Messenger, “What do you say [advise] about our wives?” to which the Prophet replied, “Share with them the same food you have for yourself, and clothe them by which you clothe yourself, and do not beat them, and do not revile them.”[11] Moreover, the Prophet proclaimed, “Would one of you beat his wife like a slave and then sleep with her at the day’s end?!” thereby emphasizing the absurdity of someone harming his wife.[12]
    There are countless other narrations that illustrate the Prophet Muhammad’s abhorrence of domestic violence. In one incident, the wife of a man named al-Waleed ibn Uqbah approached the Prophet to complain about her husband, saying, “O Messenger of God! Al-Waleed has beaten me!” The Prophet responded, “Say to him: the Prophet has protected me.” It was not long before she returned, saying, “He did not give me anything except more beatings!” The Prophet then tore a piece from his garment [as a symbol of proof for his protection] and said, “Say to him: Verily, the Messenger of God has given me protection.” It was not long before she returned once more and said, “He did not give me anything except more beatings!” The Prophet then raised his hands and he said: “O God, you must deal with al-Waleed for he has sinned against me twice.”[13]
    In another instance, the Prophet actively supported a victim of domestic abuse, Habeeba bint Sahl, the wife of Thabit bin Qays and the neighbor of the Prophet Muhammad, by helping her leave the abusive relationship. When Thabit struck Habeeba, she turned up at the door of the Prophet Muhammad. After telling him about her situation, she said, “Thabit and I can no longer be married.” The Prophet then summoned Thabit, settled their financial affairs, and ensured that Habeeba was able to safely return to her family.[14] In addition to these courses of action, the Prophet Muhammad took proactive measures to guarantee women would not be married off to harmful men. It was narrated that the Prophet approached Fatima bint Qays to inquire whether she was ready to get married. She had received proposals from Muʿawiyah, Abu Jahm, and Usama ibn Zayd. In order to help her make the correct decision, the Prophet advised her, “As for Muʿawiyah, he is a poor man without money [and cannot sufficiently provide for you]. As for Abu Jahm, he is a man who habitually hits women. [Therefore] I advise you to marry Usama.”[15] "



    The “Controversial” Verse

    Despite the Prophet’s inherent distaste for harm towards women, there has been an attempt to argue for the permissibility of domestic violence based on an interpretation of a specific verse from the Quran (4:34). Contention ultimately arises on the issue of spousal abuse in Islam from a misreading of this particular verse. This verse states that if a husband fears his wife’s egregious or defiant behavior, he should follow a three-step procedure to solve the situation.[16] First, he must verbally advise her against her actions and correct her mistakes. If this does not improve the situation, he must then “abandon” her bed as a display of his disapproval. If that too does not prove effective, then the final measure has been translated as administering a symbolic gesture of physical discipline (ḍaraba). This multi-step procedure was arguably instituted as a means to regulate an initial surge of anger by requiring the husband to essentially cool down and not impulsively inflict harm upon his wife.
    On initial reading of this verse, many readers tend to be frustrated with the ostensible permissibility of a husband hitting his wife. For this reason, scholars have discouraged laypersons from seeking legal answers from the Quran unguided as comprehension of the text requires expert interpretation and contextualization.[17] In fact, most Muslim sects agree that verses of the Quran can only properly be understood when read in light of other Quranic verses and the Prophetic model, as well as the interpretations and legal implementations of the scholarly elite. It was the scholars of each community who determined how this verse was not only understood, but what consequences could potentially follow if a husband wronged his wife in any way (i.e., physically or mentally).
    In reality, the majority of scholars shared the Prophet’s aversion to domestic violence and took measures to limit the apparent meaning of ḍaraba or physical discipline in verse 4:34.[18] According to the famous early Makkan jurist ʿAṭāʾ ibn Abi Rabah (d. 732 AD), ḍaraba does not refer to hitting at all; rather, it is a symbolic gesture that reflects one’s anger.[19] He firmly contended, “A man does not hit his wife. He simply expresses that he is upset with her.”[20] Al-Darimi (d. 869 AD), a prominent early Persian scholar and the teacher of the two most renowned compilers of Prophetic narrations, Bukhari and Muslim, composed an entire chapter of hadith (Prophetic narrations) that objected to domestic violence titled ‘The Prohibition on Striking Women.’[21] Some scholars even went as far as challenging the authenticity of narrations that supposedly allowed men to hit their wives. Ibn Hajar, a scholar considered a medieval master of hadith, asserted that in spite of the apparent meaning of the Quranic verse, the example set by the Prophet is sufficient proof that hitting one’s wife is reprehensible. The nineteenth-century Syrian jurist, Ibn Abidin, moreover, declared that any harm that left a mark on the wife could result in the physical punishment of the husband.[22] "

    Islam and violence against women

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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Important Links and Resources

    Abuse in Relationships in the Name of Islam - Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan & Haleh Banani






    Muslim Counseling Hotlines
    Assalamu Alaikum The following will be a list of Islamic counseling providers who give aid for any of the following issues: -Abuse (sexual, emotional,...

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by anonymous View Post
    Thank you everyone. He's so mean to his family but very nice & polite to strangers and those who he works with.

    When in any difficulty
    Recite:
    اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ وَأَصْلِحْ شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ
    "O Allah, I hope for Your mercy, do not leave me for even the duration of an eye blink (duration) and correct my total condition. Besides You there is none worthy of worship".

    (Hisnul Hasin)

    (Ameen)

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    Re: My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    May Allah make it easy for you to practice Islam, grant you patience and reward you for enduring much hardship from your parents and others


    'A'isha reported:

    I heard Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: There is nothing (in the form of trouble) that comes to a believer even if it is the pricking of a thorn that there is decreed for him by Allah good or his sins are obliterated. (Sahih Muslim)
    Last edited by IslamLife00; 06-29-2019 at 11:18 PM. Reason: bold font
    My Dad is Abusive & Causes me to Want to Stray

    Jabir bin 'Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) said:'A slave (of Allah) shall not believe until he believes in Al-Qadar, its good and its bad, such that he knows that what struck him would not have missed him, and that what missed him would not have struck him." (Jami 'at Tirmidhi)


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