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  1. #1
    jidaruk's Avatar
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    My fiancee broke the engagement and left

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    Aslm everyone. really need your help and views as i think that i will fall in depression or i might take a wrong step
    To start off, i didn't date anyone in my life and didn't know too well how to talk to boys...so when my parents arranged a meeting with a guy in the neighborhood who i haven't met in my life it was OK with me even if he was less educated than me. i was ready for an arranged marriage and we start off really well. he was a normal looking guy and we started talking on phone and then after three months we were engaged. Everything was perfect, he was really caring and attentive even if he wasn't really keen on me working at start i was able to make him understand that for me it was important as i had studied a lot. As he was working for himself and i was working in a company i didn't have a lot of free time to talk to him as he had...so we started having small fights as he said i didn't give him time, i didn't care and love him, he was scared i would leave him for someone else. we used to resolve our fights however there were more to come specially for marriage fixings dates and he even talk to my mom in a very authoritative manner. i let everything he said go as i thought i loved him and wanted to marry him. however during our fights he always said it wasn't too late to reconsider but for me he was already very important.

    The main issue for breaking the engagement came when he scolded me for getting a male friend request on Facebook saying i liked to talk to other guys , we didn't talk for a week and then he just called to break off. however my parents called his parents to settle the issue as it was a trivial matter to break an engagement. everything was sorted out. however my mom said as we fought a lot to stop talking for long hours on phone. he was ok with it at start as he thought we really made our parents mad

    but after a month he said it wasn't enough....he wanted to talk for longer minutes and so couldn't continue with the engagement... he again said he was breaking the engagement and this time he even came to take his ring. he even said my family is coming between us. his parents didn't come as they were happy for their son as he was suffering a lot.

    so my issue is why did he do that when he said he understand that my parents were angry as we fought a lot so we should talk less...he even promised this time he wouldn't leave me... is it right that he left me? my family didn't have the right to say to talk less?
    i am still missing him even after two months after the break up... people have started talking behind me when i go out as everyone knew about us...i even let him got close to me as i thought he would marry me...when i see him on the streets i can't look at him anymore as i feel too hurt...my family is also hurting as he was a friend's son, however they didn't even call after their son came to take back the ring

    Now i am feeling used and broken....please help me... i am even comtemplating suicide

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    Imraan's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Sister. Be grateful.

    1. The whole thing could have been a lot worse than it already is.

    2. Make continuous dua, nows a good time, month of ramadhan, a very rewarding and spiritual month.

    3. Keep an eye out for the 27th night. Be ready for all the night prayers.

    4. There are other people out there who have gone through much worse (I mean read my post from May last year, I'm in a much worse circumstance than you and there are people worse off than me) or are going through it right now. Consider whatever has happened a blessing and the qadr of our lord. A calamity destined for a Muslim never avoids them unless they pray and their prayer is answered to make it easy for them or free them of their calamity.

    Just chill out sister. Our lord is all you need, he will provide when the time is right. Make constant prayer for guidance and ease.

    It's not all doom and gloom. It's not doomsday. Everyday is a brand new day, be grateful you woke up, look forward to the sun coming out in the morning (if you are in the UK then it is somewhat limited) but know the sun is coming out around fajr time.

    All praises to our lord, Alhamdulillah.

    I myself struggle now and then, I have to perservere to pick myself up, sometimes it is challenging especially with this blaady shaytaan hanging around. Keeping up with daily prayers, varying my worship by reciting, listening to Quran, constant remembrance of our lord, like, giving charity, making an effort to smile, now making more effort to see relatives and friends does help. I dont know where I'd be without my deen and religion.

    Sister remember me and everyone in your prayers. Jazak Allah.
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  4. #3
    Abz2000's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    It's better that you argue nicely and straighten out your major differences before it gets too deep.
    Personally, i would say he's right to object to you chatting with other non-mahram males if he's serious about marrying you, since it shows integrity and attachment.
    Maybe you need to consider carefully if his objections are within Allah 's limits and if you can humbly submit to his leadership - otherwise you risk falling apart at a later stage -since it's more difficult to part ways after you have children -especially for their sake.

    There is no benefit in thinking less of his education and more of yours if he is to be your husband because it becomes a case of arrogance (me better coz me fire him clay), and a sensitive and self-respecting man will be in psychological turmoil if his wife attempts to make him feel inferior to herself - just as any ceo, manager, or supervisor would.

    Anyways - i'm pretty sure you wouldn't have much respect for him if he was a Pop Larkin type chav, so you must make him feel that his peace of mind is your priority after Allah and His messenger if you want a harmonious marriage and not a broken kafir type home which is only held together by a kafir government hostage scenario where seperation often equals bankruptcy and homelessness. You must both learn and teach each other to sacrifice and help each other make it work for Allah 's sake alone - since that is the ONLY measure which will keep you both in check and happy and free from trying to score points against each other.

    If he also submits to Allah likewise and is wise, he is not likely to see your submission as a win over you - but rather as a cause of gratitude to Allah - and you will both go from strength to strength as you raise your children to be role models of advancement for humankind.

    If one of you do decide to swallow your pride and call the other, make sure that you hammer in the uncompromising point that you will both submit your judgements and preferences to Allah from that moment on until death -then you will both be saved from a lot of heartache throughout life.
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  5. #4
    jidaruk's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Asslm
    i know that arguments are inevitable in a relationship and everytime we fought I was ready to compromise and listen to him...however he always thought that it's never too late to break up and never tried to resolve our differences...is it normal for a guy who is serious about someone to to try to break up over almost anything??? when even the marriage date has been fixed??

    Secondly, when i got the request i didn't accept and asked him first....i know that it's not right to accept strangers request...that's why i asked him first....however he started scolding me saying i don't give him importance and don't love him....believe me i had never loved a guy before...i tried eveything i could to make him feel important...but was never enough...neither the things i do or the time i gave him...
    I knew that when i would marry him, i would have to respect his views about us and his decisions....but he tried to control every thing about me before our wedding and said my parents didn't have the right to tell me anything as i was already engaged...i was always struck between him and my parents...he always talk bad things about my parents to his family and cousins...even then i forgave him as i loved him...
    i knew since day one that he is less educated and believe it, i never tried to insult him or show off my knowledge....we had different views about almost everything but i always tried to understand in his point of view...even if we didn't agree i tried to make him understand my point of view...i had also accept to live his parents after marriage because he couldn't live without them...i tried to understand eveything about him but kept telling me my parents are not good,he doesn't like them....so why is it that i could accept his parents even if i didnt know them too well but he kept insulting mine...those parents who i had to leave to stay with him...

    I have a very strict and religious family who believe that meeting and talking too much before marriage is not good...however my parents were very liberal to let us meet and talk on phone as we didn't know each other before
    I had always wanted a pious guy who will bring me closer to Allah to marry and he was a very religious person in terms of praying...however he was very possessive in everything that concerned me and he said even my parents shouldn't come between us...he could talk and meet as much as he wanted to me i parents had no right to interfere... so when we started fighting a lot my parents said to talk less....he understood at first but after a month he left...without any proper explanation as to why after a month he said nothing to me and left...
    I am stressed as hell to know why he left if he was so possessive of me when he promised he wouldn't never leave him...had my parents had no right over me??? i was stilll in their house after all...if i was married to him he wouldn't want meet to meet my parents at all
    so after the break up i tried console myself saying that everything happens as per Allah's will..i read the qu'raan and make a lot of doah...however i am always feeling guilty...i feel that i have failed to understand him...what if i had tried to talk to my parents about him wanting to talk more...what if i had said sorry and tried to pacify him...would he not have left?? would he have left for another reason??? (he always said it was never too late)....such is my situation since two months...i am dying little by little everyday missing him and feeling guilty that i never defended my parents when he insulted them every chance he got.

    i know i am not perfect...but no one is...


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    Al_Ghazali's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    He sounds pretty insecure. Perhaps you'll find someone whosr more confident in himself and doesn't need to be constantly praised and given attention by his partner.
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  8. #6
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Quote Originally Posted by jidaruk View Post
    Aslm everyone. really need your help and views as i think that i will fall in depression or i might take a wrong step
    To start off, i didn't date anyone in my life and didn't know too well how to talk to boys...so when my parents arranged a meeting with a guy in the neighborhood who i haven't met in my life it was OK with me even if he was less educated than me. i was ready for an arranged marriage and we start off really well. he was a normal looking guy and we started talking on phone and then after three months we were engaged. Everything was perfect, he was really caring and attentive even if he wasn't really keen on me working at start i was able to make him understand that for me it was important as i had studied a lot. As he was working for himself and i was working in a company i didn't have a lot of free time to talk to him as he had...so we started having small fights as he said i didn't give him time, i didn't care and love him, he was scared i would leave him for someone else. we used to resolve our fights however there were more to come specially for marriage fixings dates and he even talk to my mom in a very authoritative manner. i let everything he said go as i thought i loved him and wanted to marry him. however during our fights he always said it wasn't too late to reconsider but for me he was already very important.

    The main issue for breaking the engagement came when he scolded me for getting a male friend request on Facebook saying i liked to talk to other guys , we didn't talk for a week and then he just called to break off. however my parents called his parents to settle the issue as it was a trivial matter to break an engagement. everything was sorted out. however my mom said as we fought a lot to stop talking for long hours on phone. he was ok with it at start as he thought we really made our parents mad

    but after a month he said it wasn't enough....he wanted to talk for longer minutes and so couldn't continue with the engagement... he again said he was breaking the engagement and this time he even came to take his ring. he even said my family is coming between us. his parents didn't come as they were happy for their son as he was suffering a lot.

    so my issue is why did he do that when he said he understand that my parents were angry as we fought a lot so we should talk less...he even promised this time he wouldn't leave me... is it right that he left me? my family didn't have the right to say to talk less?
    i am still missing him even after two months after the break up... people have started talking behind me when i go out as everyone knew about us...i even let him got close to me as i thought he would marry me...when i see him on the streets i can't look at him anymore as i feel too hurt...my family is also hurting as he was a friend's son, however they didn't even call after their son came to take back the ring

    Now i am feeling used and broken....please help me... i am even comtemplating suicide
    وعليكم السلام ورحمة الله وبركاته

    I'm sorry you’ve been through such a turbulent time, it’s understandable that you’re feeling confused and upset. I know you’re hurting. You thought everything was going to be lovely and perfect and it’s turned out to be quite the opposite. You invested a lot of time, emotions and effort into this person and it’s never been appreciated or enough.

    You may not want to hear this but it is rather important.. talking to this man for hours on end over the phone was not permitted until after the Nikah. There are better, halal ways of getting to know more about your prospective partner. I’m sure you know this.
    We all make mistakes and you’re blessed to be able to turn to Allah in repentance in Ramadhan when Allah’s Mercy is even more vast. Allah knows how you’re feeling. Talk to Him just as you’d talk to your best friend. Only the Creator of hearts can heal your heart from within, this can’t come from any human. Turn towards Allah and don’t be ashamed to talk about how you’re feeling. Beg Allah to ease the pain you’re going through. It will get easier, I promise.

    Back to your post.. there are several red flags here. If this man is so possessive when you aren’t even married, you’d be entering into a living hell if you did go on to marry him. You deserve better than that.

    Fighting so much this early on isn’t a good sign either. No marriage is perfect and there will always be disagreements. But if the very foundation is based on arguments over trivial issues, you have to ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Marriage is also based on compromise but from what you’ve said, it was always you doing the compromising. That doesn’t make for a healthy relationship.

    The fact that he spoke to your mother in a harsh tone is also worrying. If he had any sort of respect for you, he would never even dream of being rude to her.

    It also sounds like he has anger issues. I’ve lived with someone like that for most of my life and it’s horrible. You’re never truly happy because you’re waiting for the next outburst. You’re always tense and on edge. It’s no way to live.

    You ask why he did what he did. None of us can answer that. I just know that that’s not how a person would treat someone they claim to love. Perhaps this is a hidden blessing and Allah wanted to save you from even more harm in the future.

    May Allah make this easy for you and grant you strength. Ameen.
    | Likes jidaruk liked this post

  9. #7
    jidaruk's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Jazak allah sis
    I know that i should be thankful that it had not got worse...you are right when you said that after marriage the fights and arguments would have been worse and the possessiveness doubled...
    it hurts a lot but i have to be strong...i am trying to let go and find peace and sabr....jazak allah everyone for your views...it really means a lot....even my friends and family are trying to help me out...i am really grateful to everyone...

    When he came in my life i was happy so i should also be happy to let him go (afterall it was his choice)...i will try to work on this belief little by little every day....maybe we were not made for each other...otherwise we would not have been separated like this...Allah knows best

    Maybe there is something or someone better...who knows

  10. #8
    Studentofdeed's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Sister from what I have learned... a perso is not worth it if they make you beg or ask them to stay. Often when we ask to marry someone and its doesnt work out, it is not that we dont deserve them but they dont deserve us. Obviously taking to guys and this was not your fault as you didnt know and these are little things that can always be cleared. We all make mistakes but dont hold yourself to them. A real spouse understands your human and loves you for who you are and your faults too. This guy did wrong you because he wanted to talk longer, disrespected your parents, and even you. You deserve a better man who is pious and has the fear of Allah. This period to get over him will not be easy and it's hard because it was ur first love. It will take time but from this time Allah is fixing you and making you more amazing and strong so when you find and marry someone else you will be even amazing to get someone better. Do not worry about people like these...Allah has a plan and do not overthink. Overthink is from Shaytan. Everything is Qadar from Allah. It happened because Allah wants to make it happen. May Allah bless you sister with the best in both lives

  11. #9
    Igotlost's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Salam sis.
    From your description he sounds very very insecure. And there could be a reason for that. If I were to guess id say he got cheated on in a previous arrangement.
    But like others pointed out, Facebook is a gateway to sin for the younger generation. And him objecting to you accepting a male friend on fb is the only thing he did that can be somewhat justifiable.
    The rest of what you describe are textbook redflags, Google 'gaslighting'
    As for the pain, yeah it sucks but i promise you it'll pass. But if you dwell on it, well that like constantly picking at a healing wound. Please dont dwell on him.
    This will pass. Take care

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    Abz2000's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    Quote Originally Posted by Igotlost View Post
    Salam sis.
    From your description he sounds very very insecure. And there could be a reason for that. If I were to guess id say he got cheated on in a previous arrangement.
    But like others pointed out, Facebook is a gateway to sin for the younger generation. And him objecting to you accepting a male friend on fb is the only thing he did that can be somewhat justifiable.
    The rest of what you describe are textbook redflags, Google 'gaslighting'
    As for the pain, yeah it sucks but i promise you it'll pass. But if you dwell on it, well that like constantly picking at a healing wound. Please dont dwell on him.
    This will pass. Take care

    for that term, i read the whole wikipedia page on "gaslighting" just now.
    i didn't know there was a term for such actions, and most of those actions sound too paranoid to describe (they told me i was suffering from "persecutory delusions" .... until i found my breakfast cereal being drugged by corrupt individuals who they were blackmailing and controlling (They = British government). The worst part is that my first born son was eating it with me over the course of two years....now his mouth foams up easily too.

    Please be careful to not throw gas on the flames if only aware of the narrative of one individual from the duo.
    If you can get the other party to come and talk -excellent, otherwise the best thing to usually do is speak well and exhort the individual to fear and obey Allah to the best of their ability, and for them to advise the other person to do the same -if possible.
    If however the actions of any individual appears to be a crime which needs correcting, force them to court.

    Otherwise you risk getting involved in backbiting.

    To the O.P. fear and obey Allah the Most Wise and Just,
    Last edited by Abz2000; 4 Weeks Ago at 09:13 AM.
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  14. #11
    Igotlost's Avatar
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    Re: My fiancee broke the engagement and left

    As i was typing my response, i did think about the fact that im hearing from one side only but since the sister came here asking for help and the other party didnt so i did my best to console. I am perfectly aware of the fact the to clap one needs two hands. Also sorry about your ordeal


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