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  1. #1
    Sadaf12's Avatar
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    Brother in law interfering

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    Salam
    I would like some advice from islamic perspective. I feel like my brother in law can sometimes be too interfering.

    i can't speak up because it's my husbands brother. I don't want to upset my husband.

    My husband has three brothers. I dont have a problem with any of them apart from his eldest brother. His eldest brother likes to be controlling and likes things his way. He can get upset and offended if things dont go by his book

    Let me share some examples:(sorry some are long but please read)

    1) when i newly got married there was a party at they cousins house. I didnt want to go as im not into parties, dont really know his cousins and didnt feel comfortable. To be honest my husband wasnt interested in going either, as he just wanted to relax at home on his day off. When we said no his eldest brother got angry and started saying why, you should go etc
    I persuaded my husband to go but i said no. My husband wasnt bothered about me going. but his brother seemed to not like it. It really annoyed me. As a brother in law he has no right to tell me what to do.

    2) i had a impo charity event at work which i had to attend. I knew about this 3 weeks prior to the event. Three days before the event my brother in law invited us to his sons birthday party. I said to my husband it will be impossible for me to attend the birthday party, my husband also couldnt make it as he had work, i felt really bad and said to my husband lets go shopping get his son a gift and a cake and well go tommorow evening instead. And we can spend some time with his brothers family as we wont be able to make it on the day. So we did. Few months later it was a family gathering which i didnt know about until a day before. This caused a problem as i had already promised my friend il help her paint (my friend has cancer) i still went to the family gathering but left early and went to my help my friend.
    My husbands family didnt like that and his brother said lots of things to my husband. He even brought up the fact that i missed his sons birthday.
    I was really upset the fact that i still made an effort getting a gift and visiting them, i still went to family gathering, i didnt have to. His brother said to my husband your wife is doing wrong . My husband came home upset and gave me grief. I then said to my husband im not lying tho you know why i couldnt attend, im not making excuses up.

    3. My husband booked our honeymoon and were to fly out on the night after the walima. When my brother in law found out he demanded that we cancel and go two days after because its tradition for the bride to not leave the house straight after the wedding.....
    My husband said he doesnt believe in any traditions and its already been booked. Brother in law kept demanding and got offended when we said no. In the end my husband gave in and cancelled and changed the dates. It really annoyed me because there was no valid reason for that to happen. Also its got nothing to do with him. I was upset but didnt speak up

    4. My brother in laws shower system had broken down. My husband and him were having a discussion and after my husband said his brother might be coming over to use our bathroom until the shower is fixed. I didnt feel comfortable with that idea as he's not my mehram. I said it will be better if your brother goes to his parents house and uses they shower instead. My husband said no he can come and use ours if he wants. I said but our bathroom has got some of my things that are
    A bit private, its parda plus its.not ideal as hes not my mehram. My husband wasnt interested and just said no he can come, stop being selfish. Luckily he only came once and i had to stay downstairs until he left.

    5. One evening around 9pm, my husband annouces im going with my brother to hospital
    I asked is everything ok? He said my brothers just hurt his finger whilst playing football, and just needs company at A and E. I said its late, how long will you be? He said i dont know could be all night. I said wont it be better if one of your other brothers goes instead (theyre single) he said no its ok il go.i said what about me? Its late and im scared, he wasnt interested he was more worried about his brother. And left when he came to pick him up.

    This is what hurts, as soon as my brother in law is in the picture my husband changes, it feels as if hes forgetten that hes married and has other responsibilities now. I've read in many places that wife comes first, as a man your responsible for your wife. Im beginning to feel frightened thinking and feeling that whatever my brother in law says my husband will do without thinking about me.

    Can someome please give some advice. Islamically he has no right to interefere. And i just want my husband to understand this and speak up rather then acting like hes married to.his brother.

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  3. #2
    M.I.A.'s Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    It's just part of being married.. that's a very simple way of putting it but most people do not just marry a person but also make bonds within the family of the person they are marrying.

    We often impose ourselves in the lives of others but it's only when we are struggling when we notice what is being done to us, but it's even rarer to think about what we are doing to others.

    I suppose in the end we may all have moments when we feel things should not be happening..

    But..

    Breaking of ties is a lot easier than keeping them.

    And as your husband loves his brother and it shows through maybe his brother loves him also.

    As long as you can go to birthdays and events without feeling distrust or worry, then it is only a matter of keeping patience and steadfastness..

    And if you had a pleasant time on your honeymoon then it's another thing to be thankful for.

    At the end of the day it's a learning experience of compromise and the cost of living our own lives is not often apparent to us.

    It's a learning experience.

    Make of it what you will really, I suppose there will be as many answers as there are replies.

    May Allah swt give us good character.


    ..I'm not one for tradition or culture so maybe I have no right to tell you how to be.. but you are anyway.

    So work towards what you want.

    Maybe things are exactly how you see them.

    I know I personally am willing to change..although set in my ways.
    Last edited by M.I.A.; 2 Weeks Ago at 12:50 PM.

  4. #3
    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    walaikum assalam rahmatullah

    Sister I've read upto the point of his brother not liking you missing that family gathering and bringing up the point of you missing his sons birthday party. I'll read the rest later so I'll answer upto this point

    Your brother in law has no right to be disappointed for you not going to your hubbies cousins party as cousin is non-mahram and it's best you don't go to avoid free mixing.

    However he is right in being upset about you missing family gathering and his sons birthday party for a charity and other reasons. Family (even if it is in-laws family) should be more important than a friend and pre-arranged charity event. He didn't say anything when you missed the birthday party but did bring it up on the second occasion you missed a family event as both of them put-together shows how you are not prioritising more important events than less important one's.

    In Islam, keeping good family relations are very important and in some Muslim cultures, an elder brother is sort of like a head of the family and they take it upon themselves to see to it that everything is going as it should be in the extended family

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    Sadaf12's Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    Jazak Allah for the replies, I know the importance of kinship in islam, but i dont agree with interference.

    I agree family is impo and you dont just marry the person, its a big change and alot of comprimising is needed. Alhamdililah i enjoy my marriage, i love my in laws, i dont hate his brother but i hate his habit which is interfering.
    To him it may have looked like im not prioritising family, but i do try evn tho im not obliged to. My husband didnt mind he was happy for me to go, my husband only said something to me when his said all that to him.

    Work event i had to attend it, i had to set up and put myself forward. My friend, she has cancer and wasn't well, if i knew they were going to throw a party i wouldnt have arranged anything on that day with her. Ive attended many family gatherings and it hurts me that i missed two and he had to complain.
    Regardless what hes angry about, only a womans husband has that right to tell her what to do.

    Ive been doing alot of research on marriage and ive learnt In islam the inlaws dont have a right to ask her to do anything except for her to be kind and to respect them. Mixing culture and traditions with islam will only result into problems.

    I dont want to spilt two brothers up, i just want to enjoy my marriage without unnecessary interfernce.

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    Sister it seems I missed the bit where you did go for a short while to that family gathering, but still it was not appropriate to quickly leave that to help a friend which you could have done another day.

    Your husband leaving you alone at night to go acompany his brother in hospital is your husbands fault and not your brother in-law's as your brother in law didn't know you were afraid to stay home alone at night or maybe he didn't give that aspect much thought. But still your husband is at fault and he needs to understand that his wife should have been more important

    About him using your bathroom; was your husband in the house at the time? If he was then your husband did the right thing as brotherly relations means they can treat a brothers house as their own when they need to. You could have just removed your personal things before he came

    Your brother in law seems to be caught up in the culture of the family traditions and may be a bit immature or inconsiderate however unless your husband needs to give you priority like he should have done the night he went to hospital... he needs to respect tradition and things that might hurt brotherly relations and you should be considerate of that and make it easy for him.

    Tradition and culture is very important too Sister and sometimes Islam is to abide by them to the extent where no friction is caused in the family.

    when it comes to judging, it is not only Islam you should think about but the fact that you married into a certain tradition and culture too and you should blend both of them harmoniously together.

  8. #6
    Adam786's Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    I will give you a anwser from a Islamic perspective and not a tradition one because Islam benefits us in the next life not tradition.


    I can tell you are very stressed as it's not just one situation but many adding up.


    Your brother in law or any of your in laws have no right to tell you what to do unless it's Islamic. In your situation asking you to come to a birthday party ( which isn't even halal in Islam) cousins party isn't even valid for him to complain. He cannot complain has he had told you only few days before and you already had plans three weeks before.
    Anyways He shouldn't even be concerned about whether you was there or not as he's not even your mehram.
    He may be the older brother, but he's still human and makes mistakes, no ones perfect and whatever his opionion is doesn't mean the rest have to follow as a younger sibling may have more knowledge.


    In Islam woman has a right to her own space where she can be comfortable and can do whatever she wants. No one can enter without her permission. If he had the choice to go to his parents then he should've gone to his parents. This would've been more necessary and his parents are his mehrams.


    Regarding the honeymoon situation he shouldn't have interfered as no one has the right to interfere in a couples affairs.


    I know other replies on here are saying doesn't matter as long as you had a good honeymoon, he's a older brother etc- regardless It doesn't make It right what the brother in law is doing.


    Instead of telling his brother tales about his wife (which only stirs between a couple and causes arguments and divorce) he should be encouraging them to stay happy. He should've appreciated that she still made an effort and went some days before his sons party to give him gifts.




    Sister you don't have a problem it's your brother in law with a problem. He prob can't take that his brother is married now on getting on with his responsibilities and it's prob getting to him and blaming you.


    Your husband should be your spokesman as that's his right and tell him in a calm kind manner have other responsibilities now.


    In Islam it's a mans responsibility to look after the woman emotionally physically financially. Even more then her own father did. Once he signs the nikah papers he has a new heavy responsibilty.


    In this situation sounds like he drops you as soon as his brother is around which isn't right or fair on you.


    Sister maybe you two were put together for this reason, maybe he needs to learn more about his deen, help him learn it.


    Il give you my example-
    I've been married for ten years alhamdulilah. First few years were hard but I learnt a lot from them.


    First year I was living with my parents, nearly every other day there would be conflicts between my wife and parents and I was stuck in the middle. I loved them both and was hard to hear both sides story's. Conflicts were over little things.


    After a year we moved out couple of doors away. We would visit my parents every few days. There were still conflicts. This went on for about two years.


    One day I was in mosque and I just cried on the prayer mat. Imam approached me after and asked me what's wrong. I told him my situation.
    He said stop going every few days. And move away further. He explained to me why. He said she doesn't have to go every week over to your parents house, it's not her responsibility or obliged to either, buy a house further away from your parents and visit them maybe once a month and on special occasions like eid etc
    You keep in touch with them and when they need go over as you cannot neglect your parents.


    So I thought about this and it made sense to me. I moved 5 miles away. At first my parents were upset and felt like I'm going to just forget them.
    I rang them everyday and spoke to them. If they needed anything I was there. My wife would go over once a month and on special occasions. As time went by I realised it was the best and right thing I ever did. More peace in my marriage. More peace between my parents and my wife. They still have a son and she still has a husband. And when she goes over there's no conflicts. In fact my wife misses them more now and likes to go over. My parents are happier as well. They are no longer In Each other's way to argue and there's no more reasons for them to argue.


    I just wanted to share this story esp for the brothers, your wife is your responsibility look after her. Your parents are great but humans and can also make mistakes. God has given us our brains to do the right thing.




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    Adam786's Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    And I would like to add ( before someone thinks I've left my parents alone or taking wife's side)
    Alhamdulilah I have 1 sisters and and five brothers living at my parents house. My parents aren't alone. But if they've needed me I've been there and keep.
    I learnt a lot about Islam in these last few years and I came to realise my brothers are not my wife's mehrams. So her not going every week or every other day was better.

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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    One principle of Islam tops all other principles and that is whatever we do, there should be more benefit than harm in it

    This Sister can think 'Islam says this and this guy has no right blah blah' and the brother in law can get infuriated and poison the younger brothers' mind against his wife and this could result in far greater harm than doggedly sticking to an 'Islamic principle' which really might be just ego nurture rather than ikhlas (usually if there is no due consideration to a person's actions, it lacks ikhlas)

    So carefully navigating through culture tradition and sensitivities is the right way to go about things and these considerations can change the order of priorities

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    Ahmed.'s Avatar
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    *charisma*'s Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    Assalamu Alaikum

    You have to voice your opinions to your husband. If you don't, he won't know how you feel and will not hear the sounds of reason. He obviously has a lot of respect for his older brother and does not like to disrespect him. That's fine and dandy, but it shouldn't interfere with your relationship. You and your husband should come to an agreement that allows your husband to uphold his ties of kinship but puts boundaries when it comes to your relationship. For example, if you already have had prearranged plans or a commitment to someone to do something, then you shouldn't have to break that commitment for a family gathering with your brother in law. If your husband has the ability to go to the gathering himself, then he should do it, but if you don't want to do it due to other plans, then you should not be forced to. Also because he is your brother in law, you yourself are not obliged to be around him at all. In fact it is discouraged Islamically. He is a non-mahram just like any other non-mahram, and your husband should have that gheerah with you being around his brother, just as he would feel with any male stranger. I would suggest if you do go to visit your bro-in-law's family, then definitely make it apparent you have put a boundary between your brother in law and yourself. Sit in a different room with the rest of the women in the gathering, don't divulge in coversations with your bro-in-laws, etc. Keep it segregated.
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    Brother in law interfering

    D e a t h

    is the easiest
    of all things after it
    ; ;

    the hardest
    of all things before it

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    Sadaf12's Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    Jazak Allah for the replies. I need to speak to my husband as hes the only one that can really control this situation. If he speaks up for his wife when he needs to then there'd be no issues. But i dont want to offend my husband, its a very senstive topic
    It really hurts when he makes me feel like im nothing or my opinions dont matter when his family are in the picture. im his wife were both adults and we should be able to make decisions independently without getting them approved by his older brother or his parents.
    Chrisma this is why im so upset because i already made plans and my brother in law still complained.
    He has no right, he should concentrate on his own marriage and life. Hes not my mehram
    Adam jzk Allah for sharing your story, reminds me of a video i watched the other day a islamic lecture He did a great talk about inlaws and how special your wife is etc. He made the same point about creating a distance between your wife and your parents. Its better to keep a distance rather then tremble on each others toes or give eother party to conplain. Esp when theres a genaration gap. Dont neglect them, but dont open doors for problems to arise.
    I think its best if family just let a couple get on with life without making them feel bad.
    Please keep me in your duas

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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    What Charisma said ... oh, and coffee!!! Never forget the coffee when you sit him down.

    It makes it more official.
    Brother in law interfering


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    Adam786's Avatar
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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    Salam sister. No problem sister, whatever I've been through I have learnt from it and I can definitely pass some advice that I gained from it.
    I remember the imam saying your the cause of these problems. Why are you putting your wife in a situation where she's not comfortable? Do you know you are responsible, it's your responsibility as a husband to find out what your wife desires and what she IS comfortable with as long as it's not haram it's your job to fulfil them desires. Clearly she's nit happy her stop expecting her to go over all the time instead focus on your marriage and maintain it. You have brothers living in your parents house who are not your wife's mehrams. Your brother has a wife living in your parents house, your not her mehram. Islam strongly disengourages you to be around your husbands brothers, brothers wife and anyone else who is not your mehram.
    He also made me realise that my parents aren't alone I have other siblings living in the house. So I am not neglecting them and have no reason to feel bad. I took this all in consideration. I didn't stop visiting my parents but I reduced my visits to going over once a month or after every couple of weeks but kept in regular touch with my parents via phone. Of course I miss my parents and I enjoy my time with them but after all this I have gained a lot of positive in my life esp in my deen. Me and my wife spend time praying together zikr and attending Islamic lectures and classes. This would've have impossible if we were at each other's parents every other day or week. Letting go of culture and traditions and stopped following what everyone else was doing and started making my own decisions.

    I would like to share some points which I came across about stressed newly married couples due to inlaws interference. Although it highlights about parents interference not being allowed in Islam, it proves that no one else including a brother or sister etc definitely are not allowed to interfere.

    •The stress that family and in-law interference brings to a marriage can be so overwhelming that for some couples it can lead to divorce.
    •Parents may be insensitive to the couple’s need for physical and emotional privacy. They may give unsolicited advice and give their approval or disapproval of all decisions the couple makes. All of these behaviors may be seen by the parents as showing their care and concern or know better, however they have no right to order the new couple.
    •Couples who are on the path toward marriage must have conversations early on with their parents about the changing family dynamics that will soon be taking place once the couple is married. This is also an opportunity for the couple to reassure their parents that they will continue to respect them. The change in the relationship between the parent and child needs to be discussed, accepted, and ultimately welcomed as the next stage in life.
    •The Qur’an mandates that children always show kindness and respect to their parents, yet it does not mandate obedience. This is important to distinguish because many couples have a difficult time drawing boundaries with parents out of a fear of “disobeying” them. Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (Glorified and Exalted is He) says, “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as] “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.” (Qur’an, 17:23) Couples should always hear respectfully to their parents’ views, but ultimately the couple must make decisions that are best for them as a unit and not out of a sense of guilt.
    •Many cultures have maintained control over their family through emotional manipulation and guilt veiled by the banner of Islamic duty. Obeying one’s parents has become the catch phrase remedy for all difficulties rather than critically thinking about what Allah (swt) is mandating.
    •Qur’an is used repeatedly to teach small children how they must always listen and obey their parents and to never talk-back. Yet if we carefully look at the verse, notes the phrase “when parents reach OLD age” It is in these times, as adults, that we must especially show kindness and respect to our parents when they are in old age and may be experiencing LONELINESS. No where do the Qur’anic verses and hadith suggest that parents have control over their child’s life, nor that children must obeytheir parents’ desires.
    •Numerous times in the Qur’an we are reminded: “…and no bearer of burdens shall be made to bear another’s burden…” (Qur;an, 6: 164, 17:15, 35:18, 39:7and 53:38). As adults, Muslims are responsible for their own choices in life and even though they may take advice and guidance from their parents, ultimately accountability falls on the individual for the choices made in life.

    •It is critical when young couples get married and when spouses choose to “obey” their parents’ wishes or demands out of guilt or Islamic deference rather than choose to do what is best for the couple and their future. Newly married couples have a fragile new relationship to foster and new skills to develop as a married couple.
    •When the pressure from in-laws and parents is excessive, a new marriage will crumble under the stress and interference. This can be prevented only if couples take the time to establish boundaries with their parents and effectively make the shift from a dependent parent-child relationship to an interdependent marital relationship


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    Re: Brother in law interfering

    Saalaam

    It hurts to read such stories, ive seen so many divorces happening around me due to family interfernces and demands. Men shouldn't get married until they've learnt about marriage.
    Once two people get married, family members should let them get on with life, whatever way they like. Let them breathe let them make decisions. It clearly states the quran about the importance of not interfering, brother in laws not being your mehrams, non of your in laws can demand you to do anything. Many hadiths state how a muslim man should treat a wife. Non of them say choose your family over your wife.

    The couple have no right to obey or take anyones advice whether its a friend, siblings, parents
    The couple should make a joint decision. The man especially, should understand the woman and be very careful to not let her down especially infront of his family. If his family say anything against her he should remind them shes not just anyone but by Allahs will she is his wife and deserves respect.

    Men who get influnced easily by thier family members are not men until they make they own choices and know from right to wrong.

    I agree with Adam, family demands put alot of pressure on a couple and can cause alot of damage.

    My neighbours had similar issues, a couple. the husbands family want a gathering every week or every two three days, his family are a big family. The wife wasnt up for every week gatherings, she works with mental patients 6 days a week and told her husband its getting too much every week. They got offended and started saying bad things about her to their son. He took his parents side and started fighting with her and forcing her to go over more often. I used to hear him swearing and banging shouting at. My wife approached her asked if everythings ok. She broke down and told my wife.
    A few months later things have got better betwen them. Her father got a shiekh to speak to his son in law. The shiekh advised him not to force his wife to go over if she doesnt want to. She's also human and has her rights. You are taking her rights away from her which is a sin. Even if your family get upset you have to do the right thing as your not a child anymore. If she needs you then stay with her even if theres a gathering at your parents house, unless your parents really need you etc this is how impo a wife is in islam. Don't break her.

    Sister you haven't done anything wrong. Your husband needs to learn about boundaries and not allow his brother to cross them.


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